Of Good Intentions
by obsidian-lily
Summary: It was one night. She was sad. He was there for her. Never mind they both had reputations as hotheads who liked to go their own way and not think before they get there. Dawson should never have gotten into bed with Severide. It was reckless and stupid and a one time thing. Right?
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** **I preface this story with the explanation that I have NOT seen all the current seasons of Chicago Fire. I am most of the way through Season One, with my childhood best friend who encouraged me to write this fanfiction because she likes how I screw around with canon. And I do that here. Enjoy!**

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Like all bad decisions, it began with tequila and Mexican music and Dawson yelling "my enchiladas have actual spice _cabron_!" to the chef at a hole in a wall while Severide, laughing, dragged her out over his shoulder like a sack of flour. Like a fire rescue, and Dawson paused in her anger to smell him. Dropped her head against his back, her fingers gripping his jeans for purchase and mumbled a false threat of nausea that made him slow his steps on the sidewalk.

He pulled her down and gently held her face between his palms. It was a Chicago winter, cold and bitter with that constant threat of snow and Dawson felt her face begin to burn with his touch. Closed her eyes, sighed and, bowed her head…

"Hey hey Dawson! Look at me" Kelly crooned through his own stupor, his own laughter, immune like her to red nose weather and everything intelligent in both their bodies…

It should be important to know how they got here. Dawson and Severide were, at best, friendly coworkers linked through sheer stubbornness to Shay. Their love and loyalty always centered around the blonde pixie and her loneliness. How they circled around her, worried and cautious and discussing each crisis before going their separate ways to handle it. Clarice, the baby fever, each and every bad break that culminated in a fierce protective edge: Dawson threatening bodily harm to all comers while Severide dragged Shay close in a bear hug, got her drunk and let her vent by turns.

Dawson looked up at Severide just then and it occurred to her that he was taking care of her the way he did Shay and she was so happy for that shift from impersonal distance she could have cried. She was too drunk to be articulate but the thought came unbidden that her armor was like his. She shot off her mouth, played brash and cavalier with her job and her motives like he did with his body all the while scared and hurting and needing something she could never put into words.

Dawson pulled herself in close, palms meeting at his spine, a grin splitting her wide and

"I see you Kelly" soft and slurred on her breath. Because she did. She saw he was high and lost in his head when no one else was looking and she called him to the carpet without pause. Typical Dawson. And Severide hid behind blue eyes and indignant posturing just enough to fool someone lazier then turned up requesting her help. Not so typical Severide. So she nodded okay.

There they were standing in the middle of a cold Chicago night because she was sad and he took her out and got her tipsy and never asked her why. Severide helped her without questions.

Telling him why would have been wiser but she was not wise. She counted on his armor, on his insatiable allure and charm to wind her around him, the way he was in that moment slowly trailing his left hand down to cup the small of her back, his right hand busy with brushing her hair from her face. Staring. Until his lips brushed hers once, twice, checking in, the slow sly quirk of his bottom lip not nearly as condescending as she would have thought up close. She gently bit down and his mouth opened over hers their breath gone quiet and shared.

"Dawson…"

She giggled. It took him by surprise. So much so he pulled back to give her his trademark grin, confusion bright in his beer goggle eyes. She had never struck him as bubbly and light.

"You gonna call me Dawson when we're naked?"

"Are we getting naked?" he parried while bundling her scarf around her neck to draw her in. He could taste the Cuervo on her. Didn't think it would be a pleasant morning after for either of them and he was trying to be serious, to be good. Even if he couldn't stop playing coy. Dawson never took his bullshit anyway and he desperately wanted to know why they were the way they were right then.

She kissed his nose while he was distracted. Burrowed into his arms until he found himself with his mouth on her hair and their bodies so intertwined that moving was impossible. He felt her mouth on his sternum, breathing in and out, and it tripped a wire in him slow and steady. So familiar he could chase it to its source and find himself hip deep in her for hours.

"I will never be enough" She whispered it so quietly, Severide swallowed his response and tucked his head on top of hers, a noncommittal hum his only sound as he rocked her back and forth. "I'm not good enough. I don't say the right thing and I'm tired of waiting". He didn't ask who it was. Though he could guess. It didn't matter because he understood her feelings of worthlessness. He knew waiting and he knew her. She hated to be vulnerable just like Shay and he'd never leave his best friend hanging.

Her head nudged up to look at him and Severide found himself falling into earnest dark eyes dulled though they were with alcohol. He kissed her nose and she smiled. The serious moment broke. He slid his hand down the backside of her jeans with a small possessive pat and her indignant squeal made him laugh. To see Dawson like this, being an absolute girl and not the hard nosed paramedic with a seething right hook: it was a revelation he'd never known to prize but he did so greedily. Severide's hand migrated into the back pocket of her jeans and he was just reckless enough to press her closer, to let her feel what he was working with as a final warning. He watched her face flush. Felt her nails grip his back through jacket and sweater.

"I just don't think I can call you Gabi though" he sounded pained or breathless or both. Dawson was beautiful and he'd never had a type really. He wasn't even worrying about Shay at the moment which told him exactly how fucked in the head he was. Severide never thought of any of his trysts as mistakes but this...

"You'll figure something out" she kissed him full on the mouth before stumbling to the curb right arm raised for a cab that wasn't there. Severide watched her go before realizing she held his hand tight with her left and followed. He squeezed it. She squeezed back still peering down the road for a cab in either direction. He brought their joined hands to his lips and cupped his free hand over her fingers to blow warm air and kisses over her skin, his seduction begun in earnest. Her big smile his new favourite expression.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: Thanks to everyone who has read so far! As a reminder I have only seen Season 1 of Chicago Fire and so what I pull from the series will seem woefully out of date to most of you. Some canon storylines will appear in this story but out of order to accommodate its central premise. Others won't appear at all. Please let me know if anything is confusing. I should warn you that this chapter gives hints of the adult scenarios that I have already written for Chapter 3 and that this story will continue to be T or M, because of language or adult themes. I will use the rating where necessary and appropriate. Thanks again!**

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Severide woke up alone in sheets that smelled like lavender in a room that had begun to smell like bacon and curtains only half closed to the sunlight. He wasn't home and he didn't have a shift which was a relief because his head was throbbing and his tongue was dry. Severide saw a glass of water and two aspirin on the nightstand next to an alarm clock. 7:30am _Jesus was she cruel or just insane?_ He grumbled as he threw his head under her pillows for a moment. He could hear the bacon cooking and a soft sort of humming that might be her voice and Severide wasn't alarmed.

He contemplated that for about thirty seconds before he sat up, grabbed the pills and drank all the water in three gulps. He squinted a little, still adjusting to the light and stretched out his arms. He'd never been in Dawson's home before really and her bedroom was so her, pre-med books on the floor by the nightstand, a bundle of laundry in one far corner. Clean or dirty was anyone's guess. It was the subtle feminine things that sung out to him. The black lace bra hanging over the same chair as her stethoscope. A random tube of lipstick on a desk it looked like she used more as storage than a place to study. He smiled. She was a little messy and haphazard and apparently cooking breakfast. He was willing to bet she didn't usually have time and started the search for his boxers, curious to see what her kitchen had to offer.

Turned out her kitchen offered him a perfect view of her long legs in a tee shirt and boyshorts, still oblivious to his presence. The hum he had heard was distinct now. Her voice muttering a Spanish song while she worked. There was coffee along with the bacon and apparently eggs. She didn't look flustered or like she was trying too hard. Her hair was curlier than he'd ever seen it and pulled into a high bun that bobbed when she moved. He didn't think she'd appreciate him calling her adorable but right then it fit and he couldn't stop the grin that split his face, ready to meet all of last night's consequences head-on.

"Thanks for the water and aspirin. How are you feeling?"

She turned with only a slight start, her song abruptly cut off. Her face looked remarkably neutral. He figured it'd be something like this. Dawson reined in and cautious after letting herself go.

"Morning. Had worse. Get yourself some coffee I'm almost done here." She gestured with her shoulder to a cupboard which he assumed held mugs. He took down two and poured before shuffling to her fridge to grab some milk. Without asking he made her coffee order perfectly, long hours in the firehouse had given him some insights into her preferences. He set it down next to her hand by the stove with a kiss to her temple before collapsing into a chair at her table. He waited for a reaction to his presumption that never came. She turned to him with a smile as she sipped.

"Thanks"

"No, thank you" he replied intently his hand gesturing to the stove and the coffee. He wondered for a minute if they would round robin their thank yous. Going back and forth and being so polite and detached until one or both of them cracked. He lost that thought to the clatter of plates and forks and Dawson collapsing next to him with a command to dig in, stalling all conversation for a long hungry moment. He murmured his approval and she ticked an eyebrow up in response.

"This is really good. Holy shit you can cook."

"I do my fair share at the firehouse idiot"

"Yeah but large batch cooking isn't the same come on now" He knew he was pouring on the charm but she let him. Chiding him without venom, her pleasure in his enjoyment obvious. The eggs were really that good. Not a scramble but a frittata she had said. She took her time and made something delicious and he didn't think she was trying to say anything to him with it but even if she was… he was not sure it worried him. Her smile was so damn near beatific it stunned him. All he'd ever seen of her was crisis mode at work, short blunt statements between hot tempered blowouts, her loyalty to Shay and her wicked humour. This, this self-conscious sweetness in domesticity was a tad out of their bailiwick but Dawson, smart as ever, brought them back to center.

"Just because you can't boil water to save your life…"

"We save lives every day leave me to my water"

Dawson snorted as she took another bite of her eggs. Severide cocked his head and just looked at her. It literally made no sense, him being there. By now he was usually gone with a shower and a smile in the same clothes as last night, one truly satisfied woman in his wake. Never mind Shay in all this. Maybe it was the armor thing she'd been babbling about the night before but she didn't seem stuck on him or mesmerized. She was eating her eggs and drinking her coffee and they weren't locked in an awkward standoff about what this was because she knew all about him. He should have been happy.

He took one last gulp of coffee and met her curious gaze with one of his own. No hesitation or false shyness from Dawson.

"What are you doing for the next three hours?" he asked. Watched Dawson put her fork down. Leaned back in her chair for distance, her eyes slightly confused by his question.

"Nothing. Wh-" Quick as her breath, Severide was on his knees between her thighs, his mouth pressing in as she gasped.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN: Hi guys! Thank you for your reviews! I appreciate you taking the time to write. So with this chapter we move into M rating territory. I will edit the overall story rating as such. Forgive me if I panic. It is not gratuitous nor overly explicit per site standards. There is actual plot development forward with the characters. Okay I'll shut up and let you read now. Thanks again for reading!**

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The problem with bad decisions to Dawson's mind, was that you kept on making them; compounding your early foolishness brick by brick with each successive action. She should have felt wrong but she didn't. Kelly had her pressed to a wall, her back to his chest, his soft crooning voice in her ear as they moved against each other just a little too perfect feeling for coherent words. He had decided on calling her Bri, the second syllable in her four syllable name and right now it was _Bri baby just like this please you amazing gorgeous_ \- he choked back a groan when she shifted and sighed, both his hands clutched over both of hers. She should have felt powerless but she didn't. She spoke to him in Spanish, curled her tongue around lies he couldn't understand but when he kissed her neck like it was the only place he wanted to be, she let herself believe it.

Shay still didn't know. Their mutual silence on bringing her into their secret was only bitter because neither was sure how she would handle this shift in their dynamics. It wasn't a relationship. It was definitely a problem. She really needed to read the anti-fraternization regs…

"Stop thinking baby" and she definitely needed to start hating him for adding baby to every third thought in bed. She was about to retort. To snark at him when he took one of their joined hands, skimmed it down her stomach to the top of her thighs and began rubbing both their fingers over her clit. She gasped loudly and he bit gently on her ear. "Stop it Bri. Feel this. Yeah?" and she nodded leaning her head back on his bad shoulder with a loud sobbing cry as he kept going and going bless his stamina.

"K-Kelly" she warned. She'd never picked a nickname. What was the point anyway. "I can't. I can't. I can't" right up until she could her body bowed and him catching her to his body still going, his sweet laugh in her ear turning into a full body shudder and groan, his arms wrapped all the way around her smaller form and all his usual words pouring out until he collapsed them both on her bed.

He surprised her but she'd never admit it. She assumed he'd be stoic and silent in bed. There to get off and show off given his revolving door of lovers but it turned out Kelly really loved women. He loved their bodies and their sounds and he was vocal about all of it. He was always completely present during sex. It had made her feel shy at first which had made her just _furious_. Just because he was a manwhore didn't make her a prude. She lashed out more than once, rattling off a stream of words while he sat and blinked before she realized that this was part of him. This was baseline Severide and he wasn't giving her a line. He was giving her his awed and pleased opinion on being so close he got to see the dimples in her back. Who even looked for that?

She leapt back into the moment when he turned her towards him. His hand rifling through her hair.

"Talk to me" there was a silent thread of demand in his voice. She heard it but she never obeyed.

"Work is all" she was smart enough to not say nothing. Kelly was by no means an obtuse male when it came to the fickle moods of women. He didn't exactly cuddle but his left hand made sweeping passes down her side, back and forth, his callused fingers catching here and there on her skin. The look on his face was contemplative and she was lulled into something like complacency by his gentleness, so at odds with their previous activity. Dawson closed her eyes.

"We can stop if you want Bri" It took her more than a minute to understand what he meant by that. She made no sudden movements, her face carefully composed as she opened her eyes to his face, his hand still making their gentle sweeps up and down her body.

"Why?" it slipped out before she wanted it to but he'd surprised her again. She watched him shrug and turn away for a second, reverting to the cocky posturing they both knew was bullshit and a surefire way to piss her off. "I'm not a mind reader and you aren't half the jackass I thought you were. Why would you put that on me you prick" Okay, so she was a little mad at his cowardice but he maybe shouldn't have made this suggestion right after sex. Even Severide was fallible. Apparently. He made a sound of frustration and sat up his hands splayed before him. She watched him rub one hand through his hair and stare across at the wall they'd just used as a prop.

"You're not happy. You're worried all the time and your anxiety is fucking palpable at the firehouse" he started before he took a deep breath and shook his head. "I'm not trying to make anyone's life harder than it already is Bri". To say Dawson was speechless was an understatement. It suddenly hurt to look at him, sitting there, saying things that were all about her being okay when she assumed he was ready to cut and run because, well, he could. That was his usual mode and nothing in their history suggested differently. They'd been at this for what? Two months? Spring was almost here and she hadn't been looking. Not at him. Not really it seemed.

She sat up next to him and kissed his shoulder. "You don't make my life difficult Kelly" and it was true. While them together was a bad decision, complicated and absurd, she could not regret it. He made her feel found. He made her feel like who she was in that very moment was enough and he treasured every particle of her existence.

"Then what do you need Dawson? I'm here. I know it's weird and we don't talk about the other stuff because it makes this thing more real but it already is because I'm here and not on the other side of town watching Rocky with Shay"

Dawson didn't want to have this conversation but here she was. Sitting next to the ladies' man of Firehouse 51 having a sincere talk about _what they were doing_. She was unclear on which episode of the Twilight Zone this should be filed under but she figured no matter what she should have it face to face. She slid in front of him and straddled his lap as naked and as vulnerable as she'd ever felt and stared at him. Really stared at the man who had spent at least half a month's nights in her bedroom over the last six weeks. Like it was just that natural, that easy to be with her. He was so beautiful it hurt right down to that little gap between his two front teeth. It was brutal, all six feet of him and how he could use it. The absolute strength in him as well as sheer stupidity. What on God's green earth was she doing with him.

"I don't care about anything else but coming clean to Shay. She's family." Severide wrapped his arms around her as she held his face between her palms, still staring right through his blue eyes.

"So is the firehouse and every bit of the complicated mess we both have there" he countered. She appreciated that he said we. It made her start to tremble. Her and Severide, a _we_. The sky most definitely was falling somewhere. And he wasn't wrong. His drama with Casey was nothing compared to her clusterfuck with Mills and Casey and knowing more about Mills' dad's history than she really should which brought her to Boden and…

"Hey hey Bri look at me" she hadn't realized she'd squeezed her eyes shut. She took a deep breath and blinked her eyes wide. It floored her that he was cracking himself open. That what he was even slightly suggesting came from him and not her. He'd been hurt like Shay had been hurt by a woman and his preferred method of coping was what it was. She almost couldn't handle his earnest gaze.

"My father is an asshole. Married three times and just as many divorces…"

"Are you seriously bringing up your father while we're naked?" She cut in because she had to. Because she was nervous and this was actually absurd and what had begun as small tremors with her hands on his face was now outright shaking because she felt cold and vulnerable and seen by a man who should have been a one time deal when she was sad. He pulled her closer. Wrapped his calves against her lower back and his forearms around her shoulders, his hands still smoothing up and down her skin.

"Could you let me finish? My idea of romance is a second date and we are so far beyond that I am bound to screw up and you know it. Don't lie to me" Severide rubbed his stubbled cheek along her palm and glared at Dawson til she nodded. "Okay then. I get that you're in own head with this Bri. I get that you don't trust me. I get that you feel alone and stupid and primed for the next crappy thing I do. And I really really suck at using my words. But I already know you aren't worried about all that because you're prepared for it. You're worried about everyone else"

Dawson wanted to interrupt but he pushed forward. "You're worried about what the chief will think because of Peter Mills and whatever the hell is going on there with my dad. You're definitely freaked about Casey and I shouldn't tell you that he is a Grade A idiot for making you wait. Who the hell could make you wait? I can't. It's why I'm here. I may fuck this up but at least I want to try"

Dawson felt her eyes begin to tear up and she swallowed against it. "And I am an idiot. Like my dad so who knows. I became a firefighter like him at the same damn firehouse trying to make a man who was never there for me proud. Bri, I have what might be politely described as _issues_ " he laughed a little at his own joke but Dawson wasn't smiling. She ran her hands through his short hair and watched him sigh at the feel of her fingers running along his scalp. This much eye contact was making her heart race but she held it, sensing that he needed her to see him as much as hear him and how ardent he was about this.

"If you want to try then why even suggest we stop?"

"Because I'm not going to lead you somewhere you don't want to go. I am not that guy. I have some pride Bri"

She kissed his forehead and smoothed the worry lines she had planted there. It was bizarre being like this with him after pining so long for someone else. Someone good and stable and noble. He didn't have to say it but he must have known that she compared him to Casey, unconsciously. It horrified her to think that he might feel unworthy, the way she had when he kissed her, drunk and grieving on that sidewalk not so long ago. She traced her index finger along his chin and frowned.

"What do you want Kelly?"

"You to stop worrying and just let us be whatever this is."

"It's not that simple" she argued.

"It is if you focus on the fact that what we do is no one's business but ours" he insisted with a fierceness that had her blinking rapidly. She expected the protectiveness and privacy spiel from Casey. To see Severide hold her to the same code was heady.

"Everyone will cope or not cope. So what? Nothing, I mean nothing, we have done is wrong. I am not your superior. You are a paramedic in charge and I am a lieutenant in charge of the rescue squad. Just in case you were going to argue about fraternization regs and public employees.

She had been, but she lost her train of thought when he braced his hands on her hips and pulled her down onto him with a small sound she echoed. Dawson gripped his shoulders tightly, waiting for him to move, waiting for him to push the argument away with what he knew best and she was glad to receive. Except he didn't. Severide stayed still and quiet; gave her his forthright stare and Dawson was nonplussed. He was waiting for her response about fraternization and Dawson hesitated. How she replied was important.

"You know I've never cared about that." if she had then she would never have dated Mills or hoped for Casey. She would never have ended up drunk and in his arms at all.

"No. You care about your coworkers" he prodded quietly, bringing them back to his original question of what she needed from him. He was rocking her slowly, back and forth, clearly not in a hurry and forcing her to focus. To stay present and aware. She found it more soothing than anything else.

"I care about you," she said it just as quietly and was rewarded with a blinding smile. He kissed her softly on the nose, still moving gently back and forth and her hands were clenched over his shoulders. "You're good at this. You're very very good at this but I see you Kelly. I care about you" Dawson panted. And truly, he amazed her sometimes with his depths. So she gave herself up to the moment, to him because all he was really asking was for her to be there with him and she could do that. She could exist in the sweet burn where their edges blurred and he made a feast of her body, kissing and stretching and all the while saying _Bri_ and _baby_ like she was a totally different person when they were so close a sheet of paper couldn't fit between them. Maybe she was.

He was planting kisses on her spine when she woke. Nothing had really been resolved but he'd pulled a confession from her and declared his own desires and she smiled into her pillows when he kissed each dimple above her butt and whispered "Damn". He was such a silly idiot but somehow, he was hers.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: Hi guys! Just a quick one to get this story going towards its central conflict. With this chapter we are in the larger world outside these two and their heads and introducing the people who affect their choices and decisions. I got some really great feedback (Shout out to Ghostwriter!) and I am working to incorporate it into Kelly and Dawson's motivations. I already have a skeleton built out through Chapter 10 but wow did the extra insight help. So, thank you for all your reviews, good, bad and indifferent. It's always good to see what you are reacting to and how. It makes a difference. Til next time!**

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He tried to keep it professional at work. He really did. Shay helped. Her shock and _have you lost your fucking minds?!_ still echoed in the back of his head from the tirade he and Dawson suffered through. Shay was still in a bit of a spiral about it. Looking between him and Dawson anytime they were all in a room together at the firehouse like they were a walking timebomb. It would have been amusing if it hadn't made Dawson so uncomfortable. He could tell she was relieved to no longer be hiding from her friend but it definitely put a damper on any thoughts to just be out there with everyone. Dawson talked a good game when she was angry and worked up but she didn't actively enjoy making people unhappy with her decisions. He figured he was too much of a bastard to care.

So he was staring and he knew it. D, he called her D at work because it was close enough to Bri to get him a smile but not into trouble, was checking supplies in the ambulance and he was sitting in the sun with a cigar relishing the cool warmth of mid-morning sun. Mills was playing with Pouch, also sneaking glances at Dawson. Severide never got the full story on that breakup. He wondered if it was too late to ask or if this was one of those things you found out when you felt safe and comfortable with someone. He really had no clue. She didn't push him and he didn't push her and there had been no words beyond her one quiet declaration and his own intent. And that was okay. He didn't feel like he was caught in a cutesy sugar overload of a thing but their line of work made fairy tales sort of pointless. He'd seen the way she wielded a scalpel. The woman was adorable, just not at work and why wasn't he feeling more suffocated?

A job came in. Truck. Squad. Ambulance. And they shuffled quickly into their gear and vehicles towards a scene that proved to be a disaster of a three alarm fire in the Chicago Loop district. Too many tourists. Too many people period. And just their luck it was a federal building near Printer's Row. Too much fucking paper. Chief was calling out orders as he received them from the other battalion chief on scene. D and Shay were setting up triage. Casey was looking at the fifth floor roof with a dubious eye towards venting. He agreed. The fire was burning too hot too fast for that to be a viable option but it ultimately wasn't his call. Nor Chief's. It wasn't a good feeling.

Chief called him over. According to employees who worked in the building, there were three people trapped on a staircase between the third and fourth floor. Two men and one pregnant woman who they were carrying down the stairs. His team was booking it.

"Stay on the comms" Chief ordered then turned quickly to Casey and his team to discuss hydrant access and opening the hoses. Severide was already walking briskly to the building with Tony and his boys as people streamed out, smelling of smoke and charred chemicals.

He called through to Chief that he was going to try and clear the north end of the building floor by floor to make sure there were no other people trapped while Tony and Capp checked on the three confirmed in the stairwell. He hoped they hadn't moved too far. Or if they had, further down the stairs so his crew could find them quickly. A pregnant woman in her third trimester inhaling smoke… stress could lead to early labour as Casey had discovered in that car incident awhile back. And he really did not want the day to be about recoveries.

"Fire Department! Fire Department! Call out!" Severide kicked in office doors on the second floor. The lick of heat and smoke heavy on his mask. So far he heard nothing and his scanner wasn't picking up anything. He knew another ladder company was checking from the south side of the building but they were not his priority at the moment. He had to be efficient and quick. Over the comms he heard Capp say they were carrying the woman down. Tony had a hold of one guy, Bobby while the other was fine to walk on his own but all three needed oxygen. A good piece of news.

Bobby said he was the warden for the fourth floor and he thought his end of the building was cleared out but had no idea about the fifth. Severide doubled back to meet them as they passed the second floor landing and signal his intention to check the third. He knew the hoses were going but it would take time for them to work and no one had a clue how the fire had started still.

"Kelly you can't go alone!" but Capp was yelling at his back while he scaled the stairs in fifty pounds of gear. He heard the upward surge of a fire squall through the air from below them. The fire was jumping. Finding fuel in the old fashioned floorboards of the fifties era building.

"Get those civilians out!" he retorted half aware that unless he made his way to the other side of this very unstable building, he might have to clear a window.

Severide kicked in an office door on the third floor and called out. He crossed to the window and broke the glass to peer out at the scene below. Three ladder companies, several hoses and three ground ladders with civilians and firefighters climbing slowly down to safety. All rescues and no recoveries. So far so good.

"Severide! Location! Now!" Chief barked.

"Third floor. North west corridor. The wind is picking up and giving this fire more oxygen sir"

"Clear the floor and get back down here. You have one minute"

It was, he thought, a good thing Chief trusted him enough to know he was not the slightest bit suicidal in his need to save others. "Fire Department! Call Out!"

He heard the weak cry but he almost didn't believe it. Turning a corner, he saw a boy trapped in a corner between the elevator bank and the wall by a smouldering piece of ceiling. The kid was cowering on the floor, coughing into a shirt and bright red with heat.

"Chief, I've got a kid trapped by the north elevator bank. Unstable ceiling. Where's the closest ground ladder?" he was already pushing debris out of his path.

"You have thirty seconds to get out of the building. You won't make it to a ladder. The fire has spread and that corridor has no vent. Do you understand?"

He did. Really he did. But the kid was close to passing out and over his shoulder. He could try and climb his way back over to the window he broke open but if what Chief said was true that didn't make sense. Severide examined the space he was in. He had his ax and his hook and it was only the third floor. He shifted the kid more onto his shoulder and made for the closest window.

"Coming out the back third floor. Fourth window down. Might want to grab a net…"

Severide swore he could hear Chief cursing over the comms but it didn't matter. He heard the fire moving and it was going to be a near thing. The snap and pop of the floor beneath him said it was going to give at any moment. He broke the window and looked out. Hermann and Cruz were running over.

"The bucket will take too long. I'm gonna drop him!"

"Are you crazy?!" Hermann was yelling but Cruz dipped into sight below the window arms raised to catch. Severide braced himself without preamble. He had to get the kid out before he could climb down.

On three the boy dropped into Cruz's arms already passed out and needing oxygen and evaluation more than anything else. Cruz immediately bolted to triage while Hermann called out for a ladder. Severide heard the fire pick up steam behind him. He didn't turn to look. One arm braced on the window frame, one hand around a pipe to scale down. He felt the explosion before he heard it spread out into every open space. His suit caught flame, his right hand slipped. He reached for his hook but the building was shifting and his body with it and then, there was the ground.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN: This along with a couple other interstitial chapters will build up the momentum to Dawson and Severide's secret being exposed to the firehouse as a whole. Thank you again for reading. I just couldn't leave Kelly falling like that...**

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Shay was wearing a hole in the hospital floor. Dawson sat quietly. Her bottom lip pulled in and fists clenched over the armrests. They'd had no word for hours. Chief had sent truck and squad home for rest. Casey had protested but everyone was exhausted and Chief was still Chief. He told the boys to come back in the morning. He had no hope of executing that command with the paramedics. Shay was Severide's next of kin and Dawson was doing such impressive work as a calm and placid statue, tempering Shay's more extravagant outbursts to the nursing staff he didn't want to fathom what the waiting room would look like without her. It was such a role reversal. Usually Shay was holding Dawson back from an altercation but under the current circumstances...

"They should have let me do more! Why the hell-"

"Shay. You know you're too close. They could never allow it" Dawson cut in, her eyes turned to Chief with more than a little concern. They were all still in their uniforms from the job. Severide's blood was on Dawson's cheek and Shay's palms. She couldn't remember how that had happened. No one had told her. Something like shock and autopilot took over when Hermann had cried out and Shay had run and Firehouse 51 had picked up their squad lieutenant with their own hands and transported him to an ambulance. No regard for protocol. Shay had begun a recitation of his medical history and Dawson had stabilized his neck, thinking of his most recent surgery and they had willed the last few hours away with prayers and curses. Dawson was maybe still on autopilot. Maybe still numb. In her head she was processing the brief images of him at the scene. Dazed. In and out of consciousness. Hands flailing before the sharp quiet of lethargy as he dropped off and Shay screaming so very unprofessionally and all the small practical things that took over. Oxygen mask. Pulse check. Blood pressure.

To her mind, Severide probably had a spinal fracture, a concussion, internal bleeding and a very long road of recovery ahead of him when he woke up. Dawson stressed that to herself. _When_. It wasn't fear. It wasn't foolish hope. She had seen him. His eyes flicking back and forth, his arms moving which meant he had partial mobility and any fracture was nowhere near his neck. Therefore when not if. Inwardly she stewed with concern, her heart leaping into her throat. With her brother she had been panicked, screaming like Shay and begging for help. This time, she was the help.

"Shay," she said hoarsely. Her friend turned to look at her. "Go home. Grab a shower. Get him some clothes. He's going to hate the hospital gowns if he has to be here awhile. You can do that for him." _and i still can't_. Dawson's eyes flicked to Chief who stared them both down like insubordinate trainees. The blonde went to protest but Chief approved and Dawson watched Shay's eyes widen in dismay. She was Severide's person. She had to be here. She was supposed to be here. Dawson could see all the words playing over and over in her head.

"You will be the first call I make if I hear anything. I promise Shay." It was an easy thing to give. There was no one else she could break down to about Severide. It was coming, she could feel the crest of emotion rising; it had been too many hours of quiet in a building of action and blood. Dawson stood up to pull Shay into a brisk hug repeating all her promises as Chief hovered.

Together, she and Chief watched Shay walk away, rubbing tears from her eyes. Dawson let out a sigh.

"Severide is as strong as an ox" Chief said without preamble. Dawson looked up.

"But he's not impervious. This on top of that other neck injury… sir" she knew he said what he did for his own comfort and not her own. Firefighters dealt with their potential demise a little differently than paramedics. Probably had a lot to do with running headlong into actual fire and danger everyday. She smiled dimly. It certainly made some of them cocky. "The truth is sir, he fell from the third floor well within the serious injury to certain death range of terminal velocity. He made it to the hospital alive. He didn't even code. That's as lucky as he gets."

Chief gave Dawson a brief glance riddled with irritation and annoyance.

"There is no such thing as luck." He looked like he wanted to say more but a doctor appeared and Chief strode forward with that air of command he carried like a cloak when the man said "Family of Lieutenant Severide" The look on his face was placid, Dawson noted. Not the face of someone bearing bad news and reluctant to share it. She decided to wait thirty minutes before calling Shay. Chances were she had not even retrieved her car yet. Whatever this man was about to say. It seemed Severide was out of immediate danger.

"He's stable. In a medically induced coma for the next 36 hours so we can monitor the concussion, there doesn't seem to be too much swelling but given his prior injuries, we are acting with an abundance of caution. One broken tibia. Three broken ribs. It's too early yet to talk about paralysis because he's in the coma but you should know he was responding to stimuli when assessed for sensation in his extremities."

"Can we see him?" it was the only question she could think to ask. Everything else was wait and see and follow ups and at least two months out for recovery and PT. _He is going to be unbearable_ she thought. She was relieved when the doctor nodded and they followed him back through the bustling halls of Lakeshore's post-op wing. Dawson let Chief go in first. Let him glean whatever information he needed to make a full report on Severide's medical leave. She was frozen outside the room door. She was concerned about pain. Concerned about how he'd self medicated before and how these injuries were far worse and pain management usually meant some heavy duty narcotics and how she was going to help. Because she was definitely going to help Shay not get Severide spun out on meds again. Nope not happening. Dawson began to make plan after plan hoping to quiet the rapid pace of her heart. Hoping like hell she wasn't about to break down after hours of staying so very calm.

She blinked when Chief came out, told her he had to make some calls. Practically ordered her not to leave Severide alone just in case. The just in case comment made her want to punch something but no matter. She wasn't leaving so she bobbed her head affirmatively and braced herself. Watched Chief stride down the hall before she opened the door and slipped inside.

Dawson was not prepared. She should have been given her career, but seeing Severide completely still, bandaged head to toe, bruised from surgery and impact and _still_. It ripped the cover off what had held her terror back and she muffled her agonised scream behind shaking palms. It was her brother all over again. It was watching someone she cared about come so close to not being there and their retrieval from the unknown looking like absolute hell.

"Kelly…. _Cariño_ …" it slipped from her mouth unbidden as she knelt at his bed, held his left hand between both of hers and kissed his wrapped knuckles. First degree burns she imagined. Or else cuts from glass breaking through a window. Or some other stupidly Severide thing that got the rescue done in record time while risking his body more than wise. Dawson strangled out curses and demanded he wake the fuck up already so she could shake the shit out of him for scaring her so badly.

"Um. Miss..?" Dawson turned so abruptly she fell against the bed. Hastily she wiped her eyes and sniffled. The young nurse was looking at her kindly, with pity. It raised her hackles. Made her want to lash out but she couldn't. It was all too much. Too overwhelming. She didn't know what to do for him and paralysis was the worst form of torture to her.

"I know Doctor Stephenson said you could see him but visiting hours are- ."

"I'm not leaving!" She sounded shrill. Sounded like an unhinged and overwrought family member. Looking at this entire situation from outside her own head, Dawson understood how insane she appeared and still couldn't muster the energy to be calm. Not even knowing rationally that Chief could reappear at any moment and she was seconds away from an involuntary sedative dose gave her caution. "He just fell out of a building and you want me to leave him alone?" her voice cracked.

It was saying it out loud that made Dawson register what horrified her the most. The idea that Severide would be alone, trapped in his body and his bruised skull with no one there for comfort. She held onto Severide's hand and shook her head and willed herself under control. She breathed in and out and looked right at the nurse, whose name tag said 'Peg' and Dawson could simultaneously acknowledge that she'd never met Peg before in her years at 51 and resent that this was the worst possible first impression she could probably make to a fellow medical professional.

"Peg…" she cleared her throat and tried again. "Firefighters don't leave their own behind. It's just not done. I am sorry for the outburst but I am not leaving. You might as well roll a cot in here because once his tiny blonde windstorm of a best friend shows up in about an hour, I'm going to seem like a cakewalk". Dawson smiled then and it probably looked manic but it couldn't be helped. Shay would have done far worse to Peg and probably still would.

"Then you should probably get off the floor"

To Peg's credit, there was more concern than sarcasm in her statement. The woman kneeling in front of her was clearly distraught and trying for equanimity. She was also clutching the patient's hand in a death grip. Her attachment to the patient was clear in the tear streaks and smudged mascara she fought so vainly to hide. "I'll even bring you a spare set of scrubs and a towel. You're covered in blood." And with practiced ease, Peg lifted Dawson from her knees, shuffled her to the bathroom and closed the door.

It was there in the cold and antiseptic bathroom that Dawson finally confronted herself. The fluorescent lighting did her dark circles no favours. The mirror was small and streaked. Her hair was all flyaways. Eyes and nose running. And the startling red handprint that swallowed half her left cheek was smeared dry against her tan skin. Severide's blood. She gingerly placed her palm over it. A flash of memory assailed Dawson. He'd reached for her. In the midst of his confusion and flailing with pain, before he collapsed on the way to the ambulance. Severide had looked right at her.

Dawson gawked at her reflection. _Oh you are well and truly fucked girl._ It was time to call in Shay.


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: Not much to say except thank you for your continued support of my non-canon adventures with these characters. General disclaimer I should have put on all my other chapters: I do not own these characters. They are the sole property of Dick Wolf et al. while the story and all its punctuation errors are mine.**

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Everything hurt. He tried to take a deep breath to calm himself but found his chest incapable of expanding. His eyes hurt and he did not want to open them. The cannula itched his nose never mind the catheter...

"Kel. I know you're awake so stop being a big baby" and he really hated his best friend at the moment. Severide gave Shay the darkest glare he could muster. Shay blinked right back at him and directed her glance to the tray on the side table. Oatmeal. Again.

They wouldn't let him go home. They wouldn't let him move. Shay had practically handcuffed him to the bed and Chief had reamed him out for disobeying an order and almost getting killed. It was still unclear to him which one was more unacceptable in Chief's eyes but he didn't dare make that comment. Severide was staying put and going crazy while the doctors ran test after test to make sure his awkward swan dive didn't have lasting repercussions. He had begrudgingly admitted to having a headache more than once since waking up and they scrambled to make sure he didn't have post-concussion syndrome. Testing his memory, asking if he was tired. Which was just stupid. They did scans of his spine religiously "just to be safe". Severide snorted. They probed him to make sure compartment syndrome wasn't happening in the broken leg. There were too many syndromes and not enough body to go around. He felt and looked like a purple pincushion with all the soft tissue bruises.

He'd landed on his side which was probably what saved him from the spinal fracture they'd all assumed he would have along with the severe concussion, severe blood loss, severe everything else by the doctors' measure. They wouldn't tell him how long it'd be until he could start physical therapy for the broken leg. When he asked, one doctor, Stephenson maybe, had stuttered indignantly that it was a medical miracle he wasn't paralyzed and he wanted to know when he could _walk_. Well, yes. The point of all their scrambling was to figure out what his most viable game plan for recovery would be. That was their job. He was very polite when he said it. Shay wouldn't let him near his phone or a laptop to Google treatment regimens. They'd already told him that when he did leave the hospital, he'd be on crutches with a cast for a bit. Severide detected a less than subtle undertone of _you fucking idio_ t in each and every one of their responses but he didn't care. So they thought he was an idiot. So what. He was antsy. That's what happened when you put a very active person in a bed and told them to stay. His job was go go go and one bad call made it all come to a long shuddering halt. At least the kid was okay. He'd even drawn Severide a thank you card. You had to smile at stuff like that.

The pain still sucked. He was being cautious of course. Shay was adamant about not letting him slide into addiction and monitored his dosages like a hawk. She didn't like to see him grimace and wince but she also insisted that he not be numb. It was easy to overexert yourself if you couldn't actually feel the pain and trauma your body was fighting.

"Eat the oatmeal Kel. I mean it" Without asking she started to press the button that lifted the bed into a seated position. Severide gritted his teeth soundlessly, the pain meds from the night before had worn off and he'd be damned if he cried out like a weakling every time something in his body shifted.

"I can't believe you had the balls to tell Chief to get a net. A net Kelly!" she pushed the tray table in and handed him the spoon. He poked at the oatmeal. "No one's used nets since the eighties!"

"I wasn't trying to be an asshole Shay" he muttered for the fifth time. "I was climbing out-"

"Climbing?! You fell! You made, according to Hermann, an audible thud. He heard your bones shatter! He…" Severide let Shay have her tirade. Again. It seemed to comfort her. He didn't have the heart to remind her that his leg was a closed fracture. That his ribs were probably in more danger of doing him harm with bone fragments in his chest cavity. She'd probably start crying and he was in no condition for hugs.

He poked at the oatmeal again. Shay had been a constant the last three days and he was grateful. She was there when he woke up groggy and _who the fuck took a sledgehammer to my head_ which cued a sobbing fit he still hadn't forgiven himself for. Dawson had been there too. She was in the corner, crowded out by a doctor and Casey but he'd seen her, lower lip pulled in, hands clasped to her chest like she'd been praying. She'd looked tired and thin. She had smiled when he caught her gaze and given him a little wave but the doctors began their battery of questions and the next chance he got to look over she was gone.

This had and still confused him. He hoped that wasn't because of the concussion. He didn't think he had amnesia. It didn't seem like something the doctors could do anything about really. The amnesia, not D's withdrawal. Over the last couple days, the whole firehouse drifted in and out of his room at all hours to keep him company. Even Chief's secretary and he was pretty sure she hated him. The nursing staff was simultaneously pleased and displeased. D came in once with Mills who tried to sneak him a burger before Shay confiscated it. Severide knew something was up at that point. It was too obvious, showing up with her ex at his hospital bed. It made him think she was trying to prove something and he didn't know what. D was not a subtle person. Neither was he. D and Mills weren't flirtatious or anything but they weren't awkward either. Mills was all earnest attention and offering to try again with the burger. D laughed and told Mills good luck because Shay was never leaving the room long enough to let it happen. Shay had snarled defensively while D detoured around the edge of his bed to look at all the machines he was still hooked up to. She got a funny look on her face examining his index finger in the pulse oximeter but didn't say anything. She glanced across at Shay and they did that thing girls do sometimes where they talked without words and he actually noticed.

"You don't have to get huffy. I swung by your place and got yogurt" D had teased. "Also all your shower products and clothes". The bag she dropped on the chair no one was sitting in was his gym bag. "Since you insist on abandoning me to ambulance runs with Mills" and the conversation slipped away from him after that. Mills protested his competence and Shay asked which flavour yogurt and D just hovered for a minute by his bedside before she opened his gym bag and pulled out Shay's favourite and a plastic spoon.

Severide put his spoon down next to his tray, oatmeal uneaten. For a moment, Shay didn't notice.

"What's wrong with Dawson?" he had no energy to sugarcoat it. It was more than keeping a professional distance so no one would know about them. She was just gone and it stung and he didn't have the luxury of escaping his thoughts in beer or work or exercise so he needed to know. If he had his days right it was only a week since their confession to Shay. Three days of her stalking their moves around the firehouse and then the last painful four with him stuck in a hospital bed.

"Kelly…"

"No. Don't put me off. God knows someone's gonna come in here at some point and you can hide from me then but something is off and she only talks to you. So tell me."

It took Shay a minute to close her mouth when he interrupted her. Severide watched his best friend clench her jaw against whatever curse she wasn't letting fly, as her eyes went glassy and he had absolutely no clue what he'd done wrong now but Shay was falling apart in slow motion and he couldn't even touch her.

"I am so fucking mad at you. You're rude and insensitive and sometimes I want to slap you. And that's me, the person who knows you and how loyal you can be and how horribly decent to people when they are having the shittiest day of their lives but goddamnit Kel. You fucked Dawson. My friend. My partner! One of the most intensely driven women I have ever met and you have scared her out of her mind."

A nurse came in because one of his machines was beeping erratically. His pulse it turned out. His blood pressure too and Severide could not catch his breath with his ribs wrapped tight as Shay backed all the way out of the room. It wasn't an answer. All it told him was that Shay didn't want him to know why.

It would take him another three hours alone to realize that his best friend no longer had any faith in his intentions with women. None at all if she thought he'd jeopardize their friendship by treating Dawson badly. Severide hoped he was reading the situation wrong, that Shay knew better. But it'd been a shitty year with the pills and Andy and every conflict with Casey turning him into the angriest version of himself. He sighed loudly. He wanted to go home but couldn't and, even if he could, Severide was rattled. What would happen to him if she wasn't there?


	7. Chapter 7

**AN: So I've finally started watching Season 2 and I have feelings. About a lot of things. There's a pretty insane chance I might blow through 3, 4 and 5 just to get caught up in the next few weeks to watch this show in live telecast because of those feelings. I love Kelly's backstory more and more and I understand some people's irritation with Gabi. Completely. One thing I've complained about to the friend who encouraged me to write this fanfiction is how uneven the motivations of the female characters sometimes are. How convenient tv tropes are trotted out without subtlety so that it is easy to become frustrated with what they do. I did some research because I was getting that annoyed and the writing credits for female writers in the early seasons are scattered at best. It looks like that gets better later on but oh my god I want to shake both Dawson and Shay right now and I'm not halfway through Season 2.**

 **End rant. Dawson focused chapter. I'm in the middle of writing a later chapter for her that is tricky and revising and revisiting what she's thinking about here helped me keep her motivations straight. Hope you all enjoy.**

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Shay didn't know it but Dawson had made it her personal mission to make the Severide Shay abode a danger free zone for anyone with impaired walking skills. Shay hadn't asked and Dawson knew she wouldn't. She also hadn't stepped foot in the apartment and probably wouldn't for another two days before Chief Boden demanded she return to work but Dawson had cycled between irrational bouts of anger and tears enough in the last 72 hours to know she needed a project. She had never given back the keys after retrieving more clean clothes for Shay and her bedridden best friend and there was no way in hell Severide could manage the spiral staircase on a fractured tibia. It just wasn't going to happen so why even test fate?

It helped that the couch pulled out into a bed already. An upgrade Severide made in deference to his deadbeat dad visiting every once in awhile to stir up his son's insecurities. Dawson bristled just thinking about it but Severide officially wasn't hers to worry over so she'd unofficially rearranged all of his furniture to suit his needs and just called it _neighbourly_. Dawson wasn't a big fan of denial but she'd lived through unrequited lust feelings before. She could do this.

His bedroom made her miserable at first sight. She'd never slept over or seen it before grabbing his clothes and toiletries but it smelled like him and took her all the way back to that first night with her nose pressed to his back and how good it felt to be held by someone who knew how to carry her weight. She stripped the bed sheets in response. Did a few loads of laundry she was going to tell no one about and dragged his pillows and a clean set of sheets to the pullout couch and started working her way around the apartment, picking up one football, two baseballs, far too many beer bottles and one thong she really wanted to be Shay's but probably wasn't. It didn't matter anyway because she was just being neighbourly after all. Helping an injured coworker. Paying it forward…

Antonio called in the middle of her second batch of brownies and she leapt at her phone.

"What? What happened?" It was safe to say that despite him being the elder sibling, Dawson had grown a bit overprotective since the shooting that almost killed Antonio. Unlike their mother, she had never tried to persuade him away from his chosen profession but unscheduled calls were a reason for panic. Antonio was as driven as her with his work and she didn't trust that he would never get caught up in the same kind of situation again.

"Ay Gabi. Cálmate. I am currently bullet free and plan to remain so for the duration of this call. Where are you?"

Her brother was a prick. Dawson stared at the dishes in the sink she had yet to clean. Her brother asking where she was also meant that he had gone looking for her and knew she was not where she should be. He was either annoyed or curious and neither of those boded well for her.

"Shay's put herself on lockdown at the hospital with Severide so I'm helping her with a few errands. What's up?"

"We need to talk about Voight _hermanita_ "

"Nothing to say _hermano_ but could we maybe delay that conversation until a time where I am not the only competent paramedic staffed at a fire station filled with thrill seekers itching for my scalpel?"

"Fine. You sound stressed. How bad is Severide?"

"He'll be out for six months conservatively is my guess so Squad's down a member never mind their leader"

"Eh, Severide's a beast he'll-"

"You are literally the fourth man to compare him to an animal. What is it with that? He's a human being who fell three stories onto concrete. You are a human being who took three bullets to your chest cavity and lived. Neither of you are animals and I still don't think you should be back at work"

"Gabi, what's wrong."

"I'm tired." she started to rinse the dishes, pressing the phone between her shoulder and ear.

"It's not just tired. You brought up my stint in the hospital in the same breath as Severide's. We are both alive. Banged up but among the living. Where's your head Gabi?" Antonio said the last bit softly, aware as only a sibling could, of his sister's emotional personality. The childhood tantrums and teenage screaming matches were now tempered with sharp wit and a seething reservoir of fury he never wanted to witness. Gabi lashing out concerned him. It meant she wasn't thinking and things quickly went south when that happened.

He heard the sniffle. Barely. His baby sister was playing big strong woman with him and it hurt to hear her pull away. To know she had so little trust in his ability to protect and keep her safe.

"I swear. I'm just tired _tonto_. I need a break and that's not happening any time soon". She hung up soon after, aware that a call from her mother would happen in the next hour like clockwork if Antonio was as predictable as he'd always been. She gave up on cleaning the kitchen while the brownies were baking. She'd just end up breaking something when her mother called. If Antonio couldn't get through to her when he was worried, their overweening and infuriating matriarch was his next stop. Each call ended in her mother's rapid fire Spanish while Dawson drawled in exaggerated English _No, mami I am not giving up my job, I am not getting back together with Hector. I. Am. Not. Pregnant. Yes, it must be hard to be the mother of two ungrateful Americans. God is surely punishing you._

She never felt better and waiting for it was worse than anything when she was already tired and emotionally washed out. Dawson felt stupid and Shay had made her feel terrible but then given her the chance to retreat. An out before the "situation" became so tangled Shay would need to pick a side. When Shay put it like that Dawson knew she would lose. Those two were so close they'd almost had a child together. Might still. Kelly was willing to do that. The more she thought about all of it, the more awful she felt. And alone. She was losing another friend. Casey was still beyond pissed about her deal with Voight and Dawson was sick of being hurt for taking caring of the people she loved in the wrong way.

She was just _wrong_. Wrong with Casey for Voight. With Mills because of Boden. Wrong whether she did something or said nothing at all. Standing in that hospital bathroom with Severide's blood on her face and his pained gaze flashing across her memory a thin thread of terror had settled. Two men she loved had no faith in her and there was the ultimate smooth operator, out of his head with pain and reaching for her. After six weeks. It didn't make sense and it was only a matter of time before she screwed up or he screwed up and too much had happened too quickly. Mills was a fresh wound and she already inhabited a world where she felt inadequate about her decisions with men. She pined for Casey and he hovered, content to let her love him, take her loyalty and then scream when that same loyalty helped her brother. No thought for what she felt even making that stupid call. And it _was_ stupid to owe such a man a favour and Dawson was even more foolish for keeping what she knew from Mills. Except Boden was her boss and she had too many infractions on her record for bucking authority. Why give him another reason to be mad?

Everyone was mad and she was alone or lonely or both which sounded just about as sad as it felt to be standing in her maybe former friend's kitchen baking brownies for a man she'd decided to let go. Calling it neighbourly. Was this okay? She didn't know. Her ability to reason between her head and heart was shot at the moment. Dawson snagged a beer from the fridge and popped it open. Her cell phone began to ring. _Of course_. She was glad she had something to drink.

"Hi Mom," if nothing else, this fight was predictable and at the end of it she was still loved.


	8. Chapter 8

**AN: The chapters are getting longer. Forgive me if it takes longer to post each one. I go through them at least three times for edits and grammar etc before posting. It's beginning to look like this story might be something like 25 to 30 chapters and holy cow are some of these characters mad at each other.**

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To say that silence stretched taut between Severide and Shay after her outburst was to downplay its magnitude by a factor of ten. The others noticed gradually, but said nothing. Shay still watched her best friend like a mother hen, eyes sharp for pain or hunger or weakness. But the banter was gone. Severide looked almost tentative to Boden's mind. Wary of his roommate and sidestepping her moods while he chafed and complained to everyone else about being bedridden. He was _not_ in rare form and Boden frowned at this. Severide was smiling gamely, demanding news from his colleagues while he treated the nurses with friendly distance. Did not flirt more than his charming smile and a plea for something stronger with the jello in his cup. Did not argue when Shay snapped at an orderly about the dosage on his pain medication being too high. You could have mistaken his lieutenant for an almost mellow man. Content and relieved to be alive and surrounded by the people who pampered him and sung his praises. It stunk like a slaughterhouse in July.

Boden did not get to be Chief without a certain bit of intuition but he was honestly flummoxed by the shift between these two. Shay had been hysterical when he was brought in, well aware of the implications of Severide's fall. She had chained herself to his bedside for the last week and a half but Boden needed her back at the station. It seemed, at least to him, that these two needed a break from each other. Maybe in his own way, he could help them with whatever was going on before Severide left the hospital and was totally at Shay's mercy. Suddenly that did not seem like a wise solution.

"May I have the room? I need to speak to Lieutenant Severide and Miss Shay for a minute." It was a measure of the power of his authority that three firefighters and a nurse walked single file and silent out the door which closed with an audible click before he turned back to his employees with a _hmmmm_ hands propped on the utility belt at his hips. Both of them blinked their big blue eyes at him and he was irritated. More than he should be, really, but it couldn't be helped. It was good that Severide was alive and well and whatever was wrong between these friends could not possibly be worth it to his way of thinking.

"I don't care what's going on between you. And I really don't care if you fix it anytime soon. Shay. Firehouse 51 is down too many people for you to sulk by my lieutenant's bed. Your next shift begins tomorrow at 6am. Go home. Now. _And not one word out of you_." Boden saw her begin to protest and cut her off. He wasn't above scaring his subordinates into shaping up. He had no time or patience for the sort of stunted maturity he saw amongst his people at the house. And it was clear to him at least, that hurt and vulnerable as he was, Severide didn't need anyone making him feel worse. Doubt was the worst thing in a firefighter. An inability to trust yourself could kill you as quick as any danger in a firefight. He knew. He'd watched a fellow fireman die and was still reaping the burdens of that situation. To watch Severide become less than, to watch him grow smaller was unacceptable. He glared at Shay while she packed her things. There would definitely be a discussion in the morning.

"How are you Kelly?" He used his first name so Severide would know this conversation was not about work. Not about being a subordinate to his boss in whatever was said next in the privacy of his hospital room. Boden took a seat next to the cot and saw the painful half shrug and the quick smile as Kelly's weak effort at being his usual jocular self. Boden was by turns proud and exasperated by the man before him. The youngest candidate to ever make Rescue Squad in CFD history. Kelly had been quick and fierce, filled with a raw intelligence he rarely seemed to use in his chosen profession. He ran on instinct, went his own way half the time, was stubborn as a bull and fixed his own problems. Probably because he created those same problems in the first place. He did not ask for help. That he had reached out more often in the last year than the last five years combined told Boden something about where his lieutenant might be going in his own head. Darden's death made his mortality real. The neck injury should have taken his vocation from him but didn't. This latest hospital stint. He was not getting any younger and fires have always been faster.

"Your squad will be waiting for you when you come back." he couldn't mince words with Kelly. His damn pride wouldn't let him ask the question but Boden had no doubt that his lieutenant would be running into danger again in six months. Tops. The doctors were frustrated by his persistent questions but 6 weeks in a walking boot and that tibia would be solid. Some physical therapy, some common sense and he'd strap on that gear just as strong as he ever was before.

"Thank you sir. It means a lot" and Boden could tell that it did. That the firehouse was his life and he would feel incomplete without it. "They're waiting for my ribs to heal up enough so I can walk on crutches without re-injuring myself before I get to leave. I guess they don't trust me much"

"Nor should they, I think" Boden said the rebuke with the sort of smile that said he understood and Kelly seemed to relax just the slightest bit. Pain was going to be a constant companion during this recovery. They both knew that and Boden's job much like any parent with a recalcitrant child was to let Kelly know that this was fine and it would pass. He didn't think he needed to insult him with a speech. Not until he was up and about and going too far too fast. But he couldn't leave the man in limbo while he tried to get better. Kelly was the kind of man who needed something to fight for. Hopelessness was a bad look on any man but given the caliber of his father's parenting skills, Kelly's drive to outperform was a reaction to never living up to his dad's expectations. Expectations that were unrealistic and unfair and while Boden believed Severide the younger was smart enough to recognize this, it's hard to change lifelong patterns.

"You wanna tell me what's going on with Shay?"

"No I do not sir"

"Hmm. Is it going to affect the firehouse? You and Casey-" Boden paused when he saw Kelly flinch. _So he's worried too_.

"I won't be around for a couple months at least. The firehouse shouldn't really been an issue"

"No, it'll be an issue at home, where you're isolated, incapacitated and at the mercy of Shay's moods" Boden was frank on purpose. He wanted to see how Kelly felt about needing help from someone who he was not on good terms with.

Severide swallowed. He'd been thinking about this a lot and he had no easy answer for the chief. Shay was upset and he didn't know what she knew about the whole situation. Dawson had only come in once since that first day, sandwiched between Otis and Hermann and talking about how they bought a bar and he had to get out of the damn hospital for a drink with them. Dawson seemed genuinely excited. Her face was lit up and whatever was the matter between them took a backburner to squabbling with Otis. She was beautiful and he'd put his head back on his flat hospital pillow and just looked at her. He guessed he'd semi-figured out why he kept climbing back into her bed, to hell with all the consequences. She just… fit. He was constantly surprised at how tiny she really was given her forceful presence. Severide glanced at his boss, embarrassed to have been caught stewing in his own head without responding.

"I can handle Shay. It's not like I haven't given her reasons to be mad before and she stuck around." Even pissed off at him and silent at his bedside she took care of him. He was still worried and grasping at straws as to just how this could be the thing that broke them. They needed to talk, really talk because he wasn't taking advantage of Dawson and god how he hoped they both knew that. He wasn't trying to wreck anything. Like Dawson had said, Shay was family, the common link they shared and he would do anything for her.

Half way across town, Shay was eating a brownie and speed dialing Dawson. The apartment was immaculate. Her inner clean freak wanted to inspect everything but she settled in at the kitchen counter and let the chocolate soothe her. This was not the gesture of a woman letting go of her roommate. Nope. This was bad. Dawson had cooked and baked and moved furniture. She'd made up the couch and put pajamas out and Shay didn't even say hello when Dawson finally picked up.

"Bitch, what'd you do to my living room?!"

"Shay, he can't handle that absurd staircase and he's not staying in your bedroom." Shay heard the trepidation in Dawson's voice. What she had done was presumptuous but Shay knew her intentions had been good. Probably fueled a great deal by guilt and this whole situation made her want to scream. She hated being in the middle of this. Hated that Dawson was so spun out on Kelly's fall, she'd run. That she'd let her because Dawson with Kelly was a headache she didn't want to contemplate if Casey ever found out. She hated that Kelly was so ripped up about it. That she was still so pissed because neither one of her friends trusted her enough to say anything until it was convenient. That hurt and she still didn't have the full story. She'd watched Kelly tuck Dawson under his left arm and give her a look before he said _no more Cuervo for you_ and the answering smile on her partner's face had been a slap in hers.

"You also baked multiple times and don't think I didn't see the laundry too"

"I was helping you. You're the one who's stuck doing everything for his belligerent ass when he finally gets home." Shay heard how Dawson's voice cut out. How emotion was riding her before she stuffed it back in. "Look Shay, he's your best friend. I'm not going to get between you. He's Severide. You're you. I just wanted to help."

Technically, this could be true but Shay didn't think that was the reason she now had thirty six decadent brownie pieces, plus two trays of enchiladas and arroz con pollo in her fridge. She remembered too well, the look on Dawson's face when she returned to the hospital that first night. She'd been standing over Kelly when Shay walked in. For the first time, she witnessed the affection her friend had hidden from her as Dawson kissed Kelly's forehead, his eyes and nose and finally his mouth so very softly before turning to Shay with shining eyes and saying _I can't do this_. All Shay could glean from the sobbing babble that Dawson spewed next was her utter belief that she and Kelly couldn't work. That because of her terrible decisions with Casey and Mills, it would all fall apart and she would truly break this time. If it couldn't work with sweet kind guys like them, how on earth was she going to handle it when Kelly watched her screw up and then walked away.

Shay could have said what was obvious to her. Kelly was sweet, and kind and an absolute sweetheart under his leather jacket. But she didn't. Dawson wasn't condemning him. She was hating herself for not making it work with Mills and Casey and convinced the fallout would be worse somehow with Kelly. Shay sighed. Decisions made in the heat of emotional upheaval were rarely the smartest course but she'd convinced Dawson she was right to let go. All the while pissed because Kelly had turned her partner into a pale shaky mess in less than two months. Just plain pissed at men and every single one in Dawson's life specifically for getting her to this point. Pissed that she was in the middle and in the position of consoling from both ends. She wouldn't do it. She couldn't.

"Thank you Dawson. I'm sure he'll appreciate your food at least."

"How is he?"

"It'll be another couple days at least before he can be released because of the ribs"

"Ah, okay." A long silence stretched between them. Shay nibbled on her brownie, aware that the easy camaraderie of their friendship was strained and too tired to fix it.

"I'll see you on shift tomorrow", she offered weakly.

"Great. I'll see you then".

Shay walked slowly through her apartment, checking over everything that Dawson had done. Dawson, whose own apartment was a haphazard mess at times, with books and clothes and hair accessories everywhere. She had cleaned up everything and then some. The trash was taken out, all the spoiled food was thrown out. Never mind the food, Dawson loved cooking. It was the couch, its pullout bed all hospital corners and Kelly's favourite lounge shorts and shirt lain out that got to Shay. There were slippers. Kelly didn't own slippers. Dawson may have said she let go but her actions said she cared way more than Shay thought was possible for either of the people involved. She was not looking forward to whatever came next.

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 **Thoughts? Thanks for reading!**


	9. Chapter 9

**AN: Thank you to everyone who has followed and favourited my little fic! I appreciate each of you taking the time to show your interest in it. And now without further ado.**

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Dawson needed a call. She wasn't asinine enough to say so out loud but she needed to do something because the awkwardness with Shay was making her crazy. She had done enough stupid things. Never mind the fact that in the wake of Severide's fall Casey had suddenly realized what was important and had started being pleasant again. So she was down one friend but up another and Mills was prowling the halls like a damn cat waiting for someone to give him something to do while making sad eyes. She just knew those days working in the ambulance with him would stir things up. He didn't trust her but love had been more than abundant. Dawson figured she had about three more days before he tentatively reached out in some way, as a friend most likely. Hopefully. _Fuuuuuck_. He still had not confronted Boden with the truth which was smart in her opinion. No need for even more drama to hit Chief's plate with Kelly out on disability.

Otis wanted to make more headway on the bar after shift and she was more than keen to take her frustration out on the complete reno that needed to happen before they could get the space up and running. She was excited about that part of her life at least. With Hermann and Otis she was fine. Her normal self even, arguing and strong arming weaker men to her will. It was a nice change from the stilted tension with Shay and the loneliness of her own apartment. It was strange to think that Kelly had carved out a space for himself among her things so quickly but he had. And the void he'd left along with three t shirts one sock and several scorching memories suggested she might need to buy new furniture. Also paint her walls. Shay said he was doing fine when everyone asked but didn't offer more and Dawson made a point of not asking at all after that last phone call because there were so many ways to ruin a friendship and she'd already been a happy and active participant in one. She could now say with absolute certainty that the man had every right to be cocky. Being with him had been like stepping into the hot blue center of a fire and never burning. He wouldn't let her as the sweetest full body agony assailed her while he coaxed and persuaded and she scored the skin off his back with her nails. Sex with a sober Severide was downright addictive.

Dawson could accept that she missed him terribly around the firehouse. Capp looked miserable filling in as leader of Squad. It was no secret that Kelly lived for the job in earnest. Cut away everything else from him and the job could sustain him, with Shay of course. He didn't trust anyone else.

"Dawson!" she looked up to see Chief calling her and Shay over, a petite blonde woman at his side looking around the firehouse with eager expectation. "I'd like you to meet Tara Little. She's a candidate and she'll be riding with you both for the next few shifts" It was said with a note of finality that had Dawson glancing at Chief. Shay had never said what her meeting with him was about but the stunned look of embarrassment when she left his office before their first shift back together suggested it had not been pretty. And that Chief still hadn't forgiven her.

"It's nice to meet you Tara. Welcome to Firehouse 51. Let me show you aroun-"

 _Ambulance 61. 235 Racine Street. Possible head injury._ came over the intercom and Shay was darting to the ambulance while Dawson grabbed a radio and gear for Tara and told her to come on. Chief waved them off and Dawson climbed into the back with Tara to familiarize her with the equipment before they got on site.

It turned out to be a fall. One drunk homeowner on a ladder checking the gutters of his second storey when he slipped and fell backwards. His wife had called it in, kneeling by his side and yelling at him not to move while he howled in pain. Dawson liked her immediately. There was blood on the back of his head the wife was holding a kitchen towel full of ice to, one dislocated shoulder and he was screaming about his leg.

Dawson talked Tara through everything. Splinting the leg while Shay placed a C collar around his neck and the three of them gently shifted him onto a backboard before leveraging him onto a stretcher. Then it was a smooth if screamy transport to Lakeshore with Tara cringing next to Dawson as she worked on the man's injuries, his wife looking on. Holding the slowly melting ice and tea towel in her hands.

It's funny what you hold onto in a crisis, Dawson thought; watching the wife's carefully calm expression while water puddled rapidly at her feet in the emergency room entrance. A nurse gently removed the ice and tea towel from her numb fingers and guided her to a seat while doctors descended on the husband. Dawson quickly finished up her field notes for the hospital records and looked around for Tara or Shay. Neither of them were in sight and Dawson groaned until she remembered which hospital they were at and knew exactly where Shay had run off to. Still didn't explain Tara but if she hadn't learned to stay close to her superiors by now then she never would so…

His door was open so she didn't go in. It wasn't logical but she could hear Shay fussing over him and Kelly making noncommittal responses and it was all she needed. To hear them being all that they usually were. Dawson leaned her head against the wall next to the doorjamb and closed her eyes. This was good. Shay and Kelly were back to normal. It meant she'd made the right choice. It meant-

"How's Dawson?"

Her eyes went wide immediately.

"She's fine. You're the one about to be released. To my care." Dawson heard Kelly make a snorting sound, maybe of impatience and she leaned in closer. He was talking about her. He was concerned and that meant something no matter how she tried to detach.

"Shay, I'm not asking you to betray her confidence. Stop dicking me around." Dawson heard the rustle of the sheets and a pained groan like he'd moved too quickly and she stood very very still. Wanting and not wanting to hear what Shay would say about her.

"I don't know Kel. We're not really talking like that. We've got a new candidate to train and Dawson's good with her. The chick's gonna wash out but Dawson is patient with her idiocy." He didn't say anything for a minute and Dawson could hear Shay moving around the room, checking his vitals, trying to work off her nervous energy. Kelly in investigative mode was a near impossible thing to shake. He didn't let go until he got an answer, usually the answer he wanted.

"All you two do is talk" Kelly finally said. "Why aren't you talking? Is it me? Why the fuck won't you tell me what happened?" It surprised Dawson to hear that Shay hadn't given Kelly some part of what she'd said the night she broke down. She'd assumed that Shay would, Kelly being her priority and all. It didn't make her feel any better. Shay was exactly where she didn't want to be. Caught between her best friend and her partner and getting harangued by one while the other ran away and hid behind door jambs letting her take all the heat. She was better than this.

"I thought I'd find you here." Dawson said as she leaned into the doorway, pretending a casual air while her heart jumped halfway up her throat. "Tara is missing. I hoped she was with you". Dawson said all of this while focusing on Shay whose face said she didn't care at all for their new trainee and maybe less about her sudden appearance. Dawson did not disagree with her for either opinion. Perhaps things would improve. Dawson turned her head to the man staring at her from his bed.

"Hi"

"Hi D"

She flushed at that. At his ability to make her feel warm and good with the use of one nickname despite disappearing on him. Shay was glaring back and forth at both of them and Dawson hadn't really left the doorway. She was looking him over greedily, the bruises were slowly healing to green and he wasn't so pale beneath them. She glanced down at his hands, the cuts and burns looked healthy. Like he'd have full range of motion when he was ready.

"Are you just gonna stand there?" he prodded.

 _Yes, yes I am_. Dawson swallowed. Being held captive by a Severide stare was a heady thing. The way he could focus in and hook you close without you knowing it. "We really should find Tara." It was an excuse of a truth. Tara could and should have radioed in her location by now. That she had not was irritating and would definitely be in her final assessment.

"Come here D," and he gestured with his hand while Dawson gave a side glance to Shay who was looking at her like she was tired and frustrated and _just give him this one damn thing Dawson_. So she quietly moved to the side of his bed, the side she'd knelt at and cried her eyes out. She didn't sit down. She wouldn't get comfortable but Kelly took her right hand in his left and kissed the back of it while looking up at her. "You know I'm gonna make you talk eventually. Right?" Dawson nodded because she couldn't really speak around the knot in her throat. She'd left him without an explanation and instead of being mad he was being sweet and calm and so unlike what she would be in the same situation.

"I want you to get better first" she croaked out, bargaining for time and space. Kelly laughed quietly.

"Yeah no. I'm not waiting six months. I'm not Casey." She grimaced and Kelly frowned; squeezed the hand he still held in his own. Dawson watched him glance at Shay who was studiously watching them and how their hands were locked in. She made a move to pull away and he held on. Dragged her in closer, though she could see that it hurt him, to put their joined hands on his chest and his right hand on her left cheek. A shudder went through her. It reminded her of his bloody palm print and his eyes searching for hers, and him fading out.

Dawson shook her head. He was too much. He was being sweet and caring and he wasn't the problem at all. "I'm sorry." She had to say that because she was. No matter what happened she wouldn't let him think this was on him at all. She leaned in to kiss his forehead. "You did nothing. Absolutely nothing wrong". When she pulled back her eyes were stinging and he was gazing at her uncertainly. Like he didn't believe her and for a split second she wondered if letting go was the right decision.

But Shay made a coughing sound and a nurse walked in with Otis and Cruz, and Dawson saw her world become a series of corridors. She could only walk down the one she was standing in. She could only pull back and remind Otis to meet her at the bar. Tell Shay she was looking for Tara and mock glare at the boys like it didn't hurt to leave. Dawson told herself this was all she could do. But Kelly's face as she turned away, called her a liar.


	10. Chapter 10

**AN: Thank you to every reader, every person following and favouriting this story. It's a slow build and you have all been patient but I hope you enjoy what I come up with for each character. They are the property of Dick Wolf et al no matter how much I wish otherwise.**

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Severide nearly picked a fight with Shay everyday the following week he was so sullen. He was home but he was in pain and she metered out doses with the efficiency of a drill sergeant. He already hated his crutches. His ribs felt better but not perfect, muscles pulling over still delicate bones. Already he was sick of his couch. The one Dawson had made up for him and he and Shay still weren't talking about and she had eaten nearly all the brownies in a premenstrual fit of self-loathing that threatened to implode their friendship. He was literally off balance in every way.

Part of his grouchiness came from the fact that someone in the brass had gotten ahold of Benny Severide and told him what was up with his son. Now his dad was plotting a visit to "check in" with him during his recovery and of course, give some sharp comment about how he never fell out of a window his entire career. It meant his dad was going to be in his room, inhabiting and snooping around his space while he lay on his couch and stared at the ceiling hoping he'd hidden his porn well enough.

He accepted, begrudgingly, that he was too weak for that at the moment as he leaned one hip against the counter, trying to work up the energy to move back to the couch. The pain was creeping up his spine again. He could feel himself spiking a sweat and part of him wondered if this was him wanting a pill for the pain or a pill for the high. The physiological effects of his near dependence on opiates had abated over time but it wasn't so far in the past that he couldn't remember what he felt. That neck injury and what he did to maintain his workload while avoiding it. He couldn't afford to be that foolish again. Severide scrambled onto a barstool near the kitchen counter. Right now he was alone with the precise number of doses it would take to get him through Shay's current shift in the ambulance. He wished he could work up more energy to be insulted but she's seen what he was like, asking her for more and more until she almost got in trouble for it and so he kept quiet.

He'd finally done the research much to Shay's annoyance. Contrary to Dr. Stephenson's limited opinion of him, paralysis was not the most common injury from a fall like his. It was head trauma. He'd escaped the worst of that because of his helmet, though it wasn't perfect and he still had headaches from time to time. Severide was a terrible patient. He knew that. His refusal to deal with a career ending injury in the most logical manner was proof of that. He couldn't hide from it this time. He'd gotten hurt in front of everyone to the tune of passing the fuck out from blood loss. Christ. It made him want to nurse a beer and zone out for a minute.

He watched Shay come through the door halfway into her shift and froze. She stood in the center of the room. Her hands were on her hips and she looked more out of sorts than he currently felt and that was saying it kindly.

As soon as Shay started talking he knew something was really off. She'd been the same way when he and Dawson had told her what was up. He'd put his arm around Dawson and she'd smiled up at him like she wasn't so nervous her knee was bopping under the table until he slid his hand over her thigh and took her hand. They'd both turned to Shay who didn't even have to ask because she knew them so well and proceeded to go off like the first dead drop on a rollercoaster all free for all and picking up steam. He'd held Dawson through all of it. Because much as she tried not to, he felt her flinch when Shay asked her if she was trying to be known as _that girl_ in the firehouse. And he'd stopped Shay right there because it was Dawson and she was skittish enough and they were all friends and maybe just chill for a minute.

Except she was still clearly not chill with any of it, and he still didn't know what had gone wrong but Dawson had baked brownies and made up the couch which meant it wasn't irreparable. It meant she really believed he didn't do anything wrong. He was still confused and wanted to understand but first things first. Severide opened his arms as wide as they could go and gestured Shay in.

"Come here" he was ready for this truce at least. Pissed as he knew she still was about him sleeping with Dawson, Shay was family. And his family was spinning out because she was worried about him. "We're going to talk about it right now. Just get over here Leslie Shay. This is gonna hurt and I'm still doing it". Severide watched his roommate closely until she relented and walked straight into him.

It felt good to hold on to someone. Shay wormed her way into his grip and he balanced against the pain as she sniffed a little and he kissed her hair. "I'm okay you know. I'm here." He wasn't sure what else he could offer her besides that. They dealt with trauma every day and it always hit harder when it hit close to home. He knew that, but he wanted Shay to understand that he was going to be okay. That he was going to continue to be the bratty roommate she loved.

"Yeah, yeah" she replied, sneak wiping away tears. Shay sighed and looked up at Severide. "Do you want to talk here or on the couch?" Severide was dreading this discussion but knew it needed to happen. He didn't like hesitating and being cautious around Shay. He didn't want what he was doing with Dawson to be such a problem for her. But it was and the outcome of this conversation mattered. Had he expected waking up in Dawson's bed to change everything between them? No. He figured they'd both sweep it under the rug never to be referenced again. Except something in him resisted. He couldn't explain what but he wasn't going to hide from it either. So he hopped on his good leg to the couch and propped pillows under his bad one. Shay hugged an extra pillow to her chest and sat cross legged on the opposite end of the couch and waited. Severide sighed.

"What do you want to know?"

"Leaving aside the fact that you lied to me for two months straight about where you were. What is this Kel?" And with that first shot across the bow, Severide knew he was in for an interrogation. Shay was hurt he didn't trust her enough to tell her but in his defense, would it have changed her reaction? He thought probably not so he hedged.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean is this a thing. You've been sleeping with Gabi for months. Do you want more from her?"

"I'm not pushing-"

"That's not an answer"

"It's all I have since something clearly happened while I was in a coma" Severide retorted which sounded just as strange coming out of his mouth as it sounded in his head. "I wasn't pushing her before and we were fine." He knew they had been. He remembered the morning before his fall more clearly than the moments leading right up to it or right after. He was staring at her from across the firehouse as she checked supplies in the ambulance and every once in awhile she'd give him a quick glance then shake her head with a smile. For all her discomfort with Shay that morning, D had been happy. He knew that much.

"Fine isn't great Kel. Fine is how you describe a Monday where nobody died but you're covered in the bloody viscera of a victim who almost flatlined twice in front of her kid. Fine is not how you describe being my partner's fuck buddy de jour". He knew Shay had a mean streak. It was rare because she was more neurotic than anything else and bent on helping others daily, in an ambulance or not. But something about this situation dialed it up to a level he hadn't seen her take with her own ex Clarice and it made him want to back off before things got ugly.

"Shay, we didn't label it. We didn't need to. I could say it just happened and that would be true of the first night, but every time after was a choice and I am sorry I hurt you by hiding it. Can you honestly tell me you would have handled it well if I walked in here the morning right after and told you?"

They both knew the answer to that. Shay had leveled more exasperated stares and lectures at him than anyone else he knew. And he took it because he knew she cared. She'd defended him to Renee's brother when he was content to be the bad guy. Shay had consoled him and hugged him until he almost split in two when he told her he wasn't going to Spain after all. That he'd let another Renee go because being a Chicago firefighter was his entire identity.

Severide gazed right into Shay's eyes. "Wouldn't you have preferred it coming from her?" If it was anyone but him, the answer would be yes. He knew that. Knew the girls dished about the guys Dawson slept with and Shay's hopeless gaydar. He was a special case because he was her best friend and Dawson was her work partner and if things went badly they could all be in dire straits. Shay looked at Severide sadly and he knew he wasn't going to like what she said next.

"Kel, Dawson loves Casey. Dawson has always loved Casey. Even in the midst of her relationship with Mills, she was all about Casey. Are you trying to ruin three friendships with one casual fling?"

He didn't ask which friendships because it was obvious. Casey. Mills. Shay. Not to mention Dawson herself. He wasn't trying to screw up anything. If Dawson hadn't looked so gorgeous, fresh faced and slightly hungover that morning maybe this wouldn't even be an issue. It didn't matter. He didn't believe in mistakes when what you did was a choice. And Shay was telling him he had to choose.

"It's not that casual Shay. You know that. I wouldn't wreck us for casual." he was trying to bargain because he saw the ultimatum coming and he didn't want to hear it. The choice would be taken from him because family was family and he didn't have much.

"Doesn't matter. He'd never forgive you". What went unspoken was neither would she.

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 **Thoughts?**


	11. Chapter 11

**AN: Thank you again to the people who wrote reviews, and favourited and followed Of Good Intentions. I appreciate you taking the time to do so! This and the following four or five chapters focus on the love triangle with Dawson, Casey and Severide as Dawson interacts with each man that makes her feel insecure in turn. She's making some snap decisions and trying to figure things out. And we all know how that goes with Dawson sometimes.  
**

 **As a reminder, I do not own the rights to any of the Chicago Fire characters much though I wish I did. Initial fallout from Shay and Severide's conversation below...**

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Dawson smacked the wall with a glob of paint, aware that Otis and Hermann were concerned and didn't care one bit what they were thinking. He'd stopped texting. It was stupid and irrational but that one little avenue of communication let her know that Severide was okay. Okay with her specifically and now he'd gone silent with no explanation and she could not, would not be mad because she did the same thing to him. When did they devolve into three year olds? When did she become so much worse than the sad, pining girl who only wanted Casey who had Hallie who'd run away to Africa when she was with Mills. Mills, who'd destroyed her for truths that weren't hers to share which lead to Severide and his wicked tongue…

To Kelly, who'd been cajoling her to make more brownies because Shay had hoarded them to herself. Who loved his soft slippers but couldn't wear them just yet. He'd declared her enchiladas far superior to the ones at his hole in the wall. Something she already knew, but his praise was what she had needed when Tara almost killed a guy while tubing him. Then cried. He wasn't pushing. He never asked her what happened. Severide just peeked in at the corners of her shifts. Letting her know in his own way that he was thinking about her and thanking her for not subjecting him to Shay's cooking and _hey, maybe one day come over when i'm actually here_?

That was the last text. She hadn't responded to it. And then the silence had dragged on so long that she couldn't respond without it being a _thing_. And they were officially not a thing but he'd usually just pick up another conversational thread and she'd go with it. Telling him about the bar, asking after his tibia. Yelling in all caps not to put any of his considerable weight on it if he wanted to walk straight ever again. She didn't tell Shay. She wasn't flirting. They were beyond all that anyway. But she missed seeing the side of him that he' d only ever shown to Shay and her glimpses of it were cherished. Kelly was smart behind his pretty eyes and strong build. He pretended to be more an idiot than he was and gave his equivalent of an aw shucks face which charmed weaker women and, to be honest, sometimes her. She still wanted to know why he did it. His intelligence was damn hot. The wall got another slap of paint.

"Hey"

Dawson turned around to see Casey with his hands shoved into the front pockets of his jeans. He was fresh from a construction gig. She could tell. There was sawdust in his hair and he looked all-American in his white tee shirt and unbuttoned plaid. He looked perfect and she was lacquered in turpentine, paint and sweat. _Wonderful. Just great_.

"Hey Casey. What's up?" she responded casually, even as Otis and Hermann pressed forward asking for his help. Dawson was by necessity cautious in her interactions with Casey. His contempt for her the last several weeks had been awful to bear for many reasons, not least of which was the groundswell of insecurity it produced in the wake of their fight. If he couldn't understand, truly could not fathom why she had met with Voight, they were at a bit of an impasse. Yes, she acted without thinking. She could admit that. Her brother had just been shot and she was trying to help. To feel like she was doing something in the aftermath of uncertainty and sheer terror. The fact that he could not see her point of view, could not see how her choice was less about denying the damage Voight had done to him and Hallie and more to do with her brother, her _blood_ and all of it leaking out of him for a case he couldn't shake. If he didn't get that. He was never meeting her extended family.

Plus what did it say about their friendship that he assumed she should take his issues with a person into account over her own family? That was a tad more personal than he had any right to demand. No matter that she had wanted more from him for years.

"I heard you need a new door?"

"Yes….?" Dawson glanced behind her at Hermann. She hadn't cleared the door idea with him. She didn't want his bad taste all over it. But she also wondered what the catch was with Casey. She hadn't mentioned the door search to him because Dawson was trying to better. She really was. Between being civil to Casey and pleasant with Mills those shifts in the ambulance, her life was almost good. Back to the sort of everyday normal angst that made Shay roll her eyes and groan in frustration at her antics. You know, except for the whole sleeping with her best friend and roommate multiple times and missing him to the tune of checking her phone multiple times an hour.

Casey smiled at Dawson's attempt at wide eyed confusion. She was intense and funny but Gabi had the worst poker face of anyone he knew. She wasn't fooling Hermann one bit. And Otis didn't help with his smirking.

"There's a salvage yard I use for restoration jobs. We could check it out."

"Now?" her voice sounded strangled. It made Casey frown. They were still off. Her lack of enthusiasm for his offer hurt. He shrugged a little.

"I could take measurements of your doorway at least. That way if I see something that works…"

"You're not much good at painting Gabi" Hermann snorted. Everyone turned to the Pollack speckled attempt at a wall that was Dawson's vented anger. "Go. Find the perfect door or whatever".

Casey watched Gabi's face closely. Her eyes slid to him then down to her clothes. _Maybe that's why she's reluctant?_ He reached up to shake sawdust from his scalp where it itched. He saw how her face softened.

"Sure, just let me clean up" she glanced at her phone with a sigh and Casey watched her head to the back.

"Hey Casey. Don't let her get anything too girly."

"I'm not sure how a door could be but sure Hermann" Casey deadpanned his gaze still focused on the back of the bar.

"And nothing too expensive"

"Salvage yard Hermann" but Casey smiled. Hermann's anxiety was natural given all the schemes he had tried to make money for his family. The bar was a good solid idea but it came with so many strings it was no wonder the man was worried.

Dawson walked out of the back just then and Casey was relieved. He wanted to spend time with her and repair what was strained between them. He figured the door was the perfect gesture. He'd overheard her wheedling with Otis about it at the firehouse last shift and how much Otis protested the cost of what was essentially a thing to lock and open to customers. He also heard the sweet sentimentality under Dawson's mild manipulation of her business partner. Her family was everything to her. That she wanted to put some of that love and loyalty into the bar was typical of her earnest need to make everything perfect when it was personal. Casey really admired that about her. He gestured to the doorway and followed her out with his tape measure ready to take down numbers.

The ride over in his truck was awkward and quiet . Dawson sat still and nervous at the same time, thumbing the screen of her phone on and off. Casey wasn't sure exactly what to say. Words weren't his thing. Hence the door. But he remembered how he'd try to talk things through with Hallie. She favoured a clinical approach. Measured and contemplative when arguments occurred. Nothing like the blowouts he had with Dawson.

He pulled into a spot outside the salvage yard and yanked up on the parking brake. Casey paused for a moment before he looked directly across at his best friend.

"I'm sorry" he said. It seemed easiest. Simplest. And it was true. He was sorry for the distance that had grown cold between them. It felt alien and uncomfortable now that his indignation was gone. To his dismay, Dawson didn't give him an inch.

"What for?" Her careful tone upset Casey. He was aware in that moment that Dawson didn't trust him. Yet he was unaware of how close she was to losing it on him. He watched Dawson blink at him, her fingers curled around the door handle to jump out.

Dawson was irritated with his directness because it didn't say anything. Okay, Casey was sorry. But for which part? Showing too much emotion never got her anywhere with him so she cautiously attempted to reel in her irritation. She was sweaty and felt wholly unattractive and he was sorry and they were picking a door which was lovely and domestic when she was trying to be good dammit.

"For everything," and Dawson nearly rolled her eyes she was so close to fuming. She bit her bottom lip to keep from snapping back _Really Casey?_ She was tired of giving him so much latitude with her feelings. Of her own stupidity. It would never be the right time for them. He would continue to put up roadblock after roadblock and Dawson was too worn down and glum about so many other things to put up with it.

"You hurt me" she said lowly and calmly. "You punished me for helping my family. For helping Antonio who has only ever helped you" she reminded him. Her hands were shaking and she gripped her phone tighter.

"I didn't mean to-"

"You didn't speak to me for _weeks_! You treated me like a stranger! Like I didn't even deserve your time!"

"You went to Voight Gabi! Voight! A man who tried to blackmail me! Who threatened Hallie!"

"And you treated me like I was scum! Like I was him! And now you think we'll just be okay because you said sorry?!"

"What do you want from me Gabi?"

By then they were both screaming. The truck cab echoed and people outside were peering at them and Gabi was so far into a red haze she almost said _You! All I've ever wanted was you!_ But they both already knew that. She felt betrayed by his coldness in a moment of deep crisis. He thought she was foolish and wrong for even attempting what she did. But she would do it all over again in a heartbeat for her brother. She knew that without question. She would do the same for anyone she loved.

The world was not black and white. She could see his point of view. She really could but he didn't even seem to want to try and know hers. He wanted to blanket an apology over all those weeks of silence and cold cruelty and fix things like it was plywood and nails and she couldn't let him. Not this time. She looked at his beautiful face. His sweet beautiful face, eyes currently brilliant with fury and let out an angry huff. She finally realized that she deserved better. That she deserved more than three words strung aimlessly together from a man who claimed to be her good friend. Dawson shook her head and opened the door and hopped out of his truck without preamble.

"Go home Casey. I'll find my own damn door."

She turned her back and looked across at the salvage yard waiting for Casey to leave because she knew he would. Pursuit was not something he ever did with her. She heard the engine of his truck turn over and the peel squeak of the tires as he sped out of the parking lot. Dawson's mouth twisted bitterly. She looked down at her phone and typed:

 _no matter what happens you have me_


	12. Chapter 12

**AN: Chapter 12 is a quiet chapter because a bit of action is coming Firehouse 51's way. Hope you enjoy.**

 **I continue to not own any of these characters. Thanks as always for reading and reviewing.**

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"Listen up! Boden's voice carried out over the break room like a horn and everyone gathered, eyes glancing at the man who walked into the room beside him. The dreaded relief lieutenant for Severide had arrived. It filled Boden with trepidation just as much as his men. He had too much respect for Severide to wish this to be the beginning of a permanent change in Firehouse 51 staffing. Looking out at the carefully blank faces of his men, he hoped it wasn't with a fervor that would have surprised his subordinates. He spent as much time yelling at Severide as he did praising Casey. Still. Severide was a lifer. A firefighter through and through despite his father's absence and they knew him. They didn't know:

"This is Lieutenant Jim Campbell. He'll be helping out while Severide recovers. I'm sure you will all give him a warm Firehouse 51 welcome". His tone was purposefully bland. Non-committal at best. He knew his men would and wouldn't welcome the new guy. Boden had no desire to grow attached to the man. Squad would continue to be as insular as they ever were despite losing their cocky lieutenant leader in the interim. Boden watched Hermann walk forward to shake Campbell's hand and assess the man's strength no doubt. Soon the other men followed suit. There was no way to know if he was a doorway dancer until they were out on a job which was the worst way to learn if you could trust someone. Boden sighed.

"Chief Boden?" he turned when he heard her voice behind him. _Ingrid_. Boden stifled a nervous smile. Mills' mom stood at the break room entrance like she had twenty odd years before. Still cool and collected for all the wasteland between them.

"Mrs. Mills. What brings you to the firehouse? Peter come-"

"May I speak with you, actually?" she cut him off politely. Theirs was a history rife with too many words. Too many excuses. Ingrid had never had patience for anything she didn't want to hear. Boden nodded curtly and gestured her back to his office while her son and his peers watched.

"Has Peter been different lately?' Ingrid began without preamble. Boden closed his office door with a soft click. He carefully considered Ingrid's words as she worried at her purse strap, refusing to sit. Refusing as always, to be comfortable in his presence.

"Different how?" He recognized the fear on her face. After Benny Severide's loud declaration of his father's cowardice, Mills had seethed and Severide had helped to direct his anger into a pursuit for squad. A gesture that he remained grateful for, his attachment to Peter notwithstanding. It was possible his preoccupation with Severide's injury had distracted him. But Peter had seemed to be taking things in stride. Doubling up on shifts whenever possible to defray the cost of classes. Being so busy that maybe Boden had forgotten to look for trouble.

"He's cold. Abrupt. He won't talk to me at all". There was a silent inquiry in her statement. She was wondering what, if anything, her son had learned and was he responsible. He wasn't and Boden struggled not to sigh audibly. It was not his fault the boy sought to be everything his father was and more. He felt an immense debt to Henry Mills that would never go away. He knew that. Peter's success or failure. His happiness or discontentment with firefighting would reflect his relative merit or lack thereof as a mentor. Boden approached Ingrid slowly, hands gripped tight on his hips to stop him from reaching out to her.

"I'll find out what's going on Ingrid. I promise you"

"You and your promises," she muttered dryly. It was twenty years over and not at all and Boden swallowed his indignation. His own pain. He had loved this woman with all he had and failed her. He didn't say. _I've never stopped_. Words and excuses were always their problem. He had attempted to be rational about an emotion and ruined it into unmaking. Boden set two fingers on her elbow and leaned in.

"I will always protect you and those you love," _even from myself._ They lingered one long minute in that space before Ingrid nodded and Boden turned towards his desk, incapable of looking at her walk away.

It was late. Pouch was begging and Dawson was having a difficult time refusing her. She wasn't even sitting up. Lazy dog. She was making that pitiful half nasal whine dogs do when they can't be bothered to open their mouths and Dawson was just trying to stave off her own small hunger with some scrambled eggs. Breakfast for late night snack.

"No." she tried to make her voice firm but Dawson couldn't have pets in her building. Never mind her schedule would never allow for puppy training. She loved the adorable mutt.

"Dawson,"

"Yeah Mills?" she wondered if he wanted to talk about his mom dropping by the firehouse to see Boden. Unlikely. And really, she hoped not. It was her fault he even knew there was a sordid history there. He was still in the midst of punishing her for not being upfront about a story that wasn't hers to tell. That she had been asked not to tell, by her superior. Because it would hurt him. And it had and still was hurting him if the ill look on his face was any great indicator. She watched him lean down to roughhouse with Pouch.

They were civil to each other at least. Professional. In the wake of Severide's accident and their forced intimacy in the ambulance, respect at least, was granted and received. He was still a sore spot under her breastbone. She cared for Mills, deeply. He was earnest and tender and admired all her best qualities with a skill that she missed. He knew the secret ingredients to three of her favourite dishes and had been more than generous in bed.

She watched him play with Pouch. Mills was gearing up to say something and he was trying to parse his words. To be careful. Nothing he'd ever said to her in the midst of their break-up had been malicious. For all his self-professed anger at her, he had never lashed out the way she could. Mills was, at his core, too decent a guy to be mean in that way. This is what made their split so difficult for her. The mistake she had made, the decision she took away from him for as long as she did, he could have been spiteful in a dozen ways. Made his distrust of her a mask to hide behind. Sometimes he did, when it was one on one. Around their colleagues he was polite and chill. Letting none of their personal awkwardness infect their work.

There was no shell in this particular moment and she was reminded of how sweet and good and in love with her he had been. She stirred the eggs. The kitchen was quiet, the other men had wandered off to nap, and Pouch was wagging her tail.

"Do you want some?" she offered. It was both peace offering and conversational opener. He'd made her eggs for breakfast more than once during their brief romance. Two chefs one kitchen and enough opinions to burn every dish if they weren't looking.

"Sure, thanks".

They settled in at the long table and watched Pouch dance attendance between them. Dawson raked her fingers through Pouch's short hair but didn't feed her and the dog switched her focus to Mills with a blink of wide brown eyes. Mills cleared his throat and Dawson glanced up.

"I know I took it out on you because you were there and you lied but…"

Dawson figured he wanted to give them another try. That what he was working his way up to say was sorry for hurting her. At least he was using more words than Casey. She didn't doubt that both men were sorry but where Casey struggled to understand her choice as valid if personally reprehensible, Mills struggled with understanding her intent. The confused string of sentences he blurted out underscored that.

She couldn't give him another chance. She really couldn't with Kelly in her head and everything so fucked and strange that Shay still looked at her incredulously despite distancing herself from him. Dawson wasn't moving back, only forward even if she was totally alone. In fact alone might just be better.

"I hope one day we can be friends again."

She propped her chin on her palm and looked right at him. Mills was giving her the weird half smile he did when he was feeling nervous and awkward. He wasn't asking her to excuse his behavior. He wasn't reiterating how she was wrong. Mills looked a little lost and sad and she remembered how Kelly had taken care of him and supported his desire to join Squad the last few months. And how pissed off Truck was about it to the tune of pranks and general mockery. Dawson remembered how they'd been friends first before everything else got in the way. She smiled weakly. He was asking for a re-do, too young and naive to recognize the past would always be with them.

"Tell me what's in the eggs" and Dawson studied him as he took a big forkful. When he closed his eyes, she turned to Pouch and finally gave the poor dog what she wanted.

Severide stared up at the ceiling. Shay was at the firehouse working her shift so the tv was on. Cubs were losing. No surprise, but the sound was soothing in his otherwise empty apartment. His leg was burning. It felt like the pain was a hot poker itching millimeter by millimeter up the underside of his skin from big toe to knee. He clenched his teeth against it. Three more weeks to go at least before physical therapy began and no one had told him how long that would go. It was more wait and see. It was more of what the doctor had told him a year ago with his neck and how very lucky he was to be feeling pain of any sort and his fingers were clenched into his sheets for purchase. He did and didn't want to get up.

He wanted to fumble into the kitchen and take a pill but it was off schedule and he was tired and wherever Shay had hidden the rest of the pill bottle was nowhere he should look at this hour. He was feeling confused again. Disoriented. Its why he was staring at the ceiling trying to focus on one small tile at a time, counting until he lost count and started over. The habit reassuring because it meant his memory wasn't completely shot. Short-term memory at least seemed spot on. He was thinking about Shay's implied ultimatum regarding Dawson. He was thinking about D's cryptic text the other day and how good it had felt in the midst of his own radio silence. He wondered if things would have fallen apart so quickly regardless of his third storey drop. Severide liked to think he could handle whatever had scared D off so badly. He wondered if her withdrawal was motivated by Shay's displeasure. He knew his was. It was simplest and temporary because he was injured and Shay was his entire support network. He didn't want her to be more stressed and unhappy than she already was at the moment. He didn't think she'd stop taking care of him if he continued to pursue Dawson. It wasn't like he could do much pursuing on crutches. Never mind that he didn't push. Life was too short and there were too many women easy and willing to spend time with him.

In a fit of amusement, Severide wondered if he should invite one of his former lovers over to help him when Shay was on shift. Nights like this, the Cubs losing, his leg on fire reminded him that he was fallible and there was no one around to hear him bellow. Occasionally, Severide recognized that he needed help. He was just universally opposed to seeking it out. Calling up one of the many women in his life wouldn't alleviate Shay's anxieties about his pursuit of Dawson though. And honestly he had less than perfect confidence in the nursing skills of any his prior lovers. Living with a paramedic had undoubtedly elevated his standards in caretaking. A trained EMT was probably the best sort of help to have at the moment. Too bad both of his top picks for the role were on shift and in an ambulance together probably being as awkward as he felt. Losing the use of a limb was unpleasant in the extreme, no matter how temporary.

Severide disliked ultimatums. He chafed with any curtailing of his free will. Being told what to do felt wrong even when Shay had his best interests in mind. Life was messy. Conflict happened. He wasn't usually one to run from an uncomfortable confrontation. It was a mark of how much he valued Shay's presence in his life that he was willing to give up something that was truly none of her business. She loved him. He knew that and reciprocated the emotion tenfold. Shay was a misfit of a lifeline but she was still his lifeline. His only one when shit hit the fan. She deserved better than his casual dismissal of her concerns.

He didn't want to be like Benny but knew in some ways that was unavoidable. His pursuit of women was as natural as breathing but he never made promises he couldn't keep. His father's string of marriages left a sour taste in his mouth, right along with his own failed relationship with Renee Whaley. It surprised him to realize that all things being equal, if Renee hadn't cheated, he'd be a husband right now. What would that even look like?

The pain in his leg sent an echoing throb through his body. Severide began to sweat in earnest. It wasn't fair that he'd beat his near addiction to pain pills once only to need them again. He'd worked so hard and come out of it with his job back and Boden cautiously happy and could he do it again? Could he persist through this newest onslaught alone in the dark with only his thoughts for company as he counted the ceiling tiles? Severide glanced at the pill dispenser carefully organized on the kitchen counter so very far away. He tensed himself to stand.


	13. Chapter 13

**AN: Oh look its almost Friday the 13th and this is chapter 13. That was seriously not intentional but here we are. An action packed chapter this go round. Thanks to all you readers!**

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Something was off. Dawson sensed it in the air. Spring revealed itself in Otis' allergies and near daily downpours if not thunderstorms. It was currently sheeting rain and the firehouse was quiet as hell. Mouch and Hermann were arguing over the Scrabble board and Shay was restocking the rig while Dawson checked through the paperwork from their last shift and Tara was chatting with Cruz and Otis asking about Severide and what happened to him and _clearly none of you like Campbell what gives?_

Tara was oddly earnest in her desire to be a paramedic for someone who froze every time more than an ounce of blood appeared in front of her. Even Mills was looking at her askance and Mills practically wrote the book on eager puppy dog sincerity. Perhaps it was who she was asking about that was making everyone tense. Maybe that's what was off. Severide being absent still felt strange was she hoped, going to continue to feel strange right up until he strolled back into the break room.

'I mean. Don't you guys visit him?" Tara persisted.

Tara was looking for a Shay rant special it seemed. Dawson rolled her eyes and focused on her paperwork. Of course people visited Severide. He was missed but he was also a pissy motherfucker who resented being vulnerable so people usually waited until he reached out to descend on his trifling butt.

"Hey Dawson, can i talk to you for a minute?"

Dawson glanced up to see Shay hovering over the table, her eye twitching, feet shuffling side to side. She'd heard Tara clearly.

"Yeah, sure" Dawson bounded out of the break room. Happy to escape the awkwardness of the break room, even if it veered her into the path of more awkwardness. She and Shay were better but not perfect. On one level, Dawson didn't see why the situation should be a big deal because Shay told her about Severide's escapades all the time. With delight and exasperation but no hint of judgement. She hadn't really discussed Severide with Shay past that one sobbing mess of a conversation in the hospital and the short stilted updates she occasionally offered thereafter. But it was clear that Shay did not approve and it left Dawson feeling all sorts of wrong footed with her partner. She sat on top of the washing machine and waited for Shay to talk, hands under her thighs to keep from fidgeting.

"So…"

"So?" Dawson prodded. It was obvious that Shay did not want to be doing this.

"Kelly wants more brownies."

"Oh. Okay?"

"He's been whining about how I ate all of them and that's not fair cuz he's the one who might have a permanent limp and blah blah you get the picture."

Dawson did of course. Before Severide stopped texting he'd been making idle comments about her brownies and how they reminded him of his mom's which Dawson was pretty sure was a line because it usually segued into _you should come over and bake some_. Plus she seriously doubted Severide's mom used anything close to the combination of ingredients she concocted for her recipe.

Dawson waited for Shay to say more. For an opening in the wall that Shay had put up since she'd found out about her sleeping with Kelly. She'd always stopped shorted of apologizing because, well, she wasn't doing anything wrong. As anxious as the entire thing made her feel sometimes, sleeping with Kelly was a window into his personality that surprised and overwhelmed her. She clenched her thighs together just thinking about it. Severide fucked like he lived, with intensity and fervor. It was both oblivion and searing focus. It was always lights on, eyes open, by turns tender and calamitous, each egging the other on and she was only sorry she'd stopped before the edge had burnt off of their chemistry. She wanted Shay back. She wanted it all but she knew she couldn't, didn't deserve more. She was all wasted opportunities and unforced errors in judgement.

"I'm not mad at you Dawson" Shay whispered finally. "It's just a lot to process. I guess I thought of you guys as different satellites connected through me because of our separate friendships but you and Kel created your own little shortcut in circuitry" Shay laughed at her own small joke while Dawson just looked at her. It wasn't like she expected this to be easy. Adjusting to intimacy with Kelly had gone about as smoothly as a busy day at the firehouse. She'd railed against him more than once in the beginning, before she even knew it was a beginning and he'd let her. A man not known for his patience had propped the pillows up behind him on her bed and let her figure her shit out with a half-smile and sleepy eyes because he just seemed to _get it_. She could do no less for Shay. Dawson leapt down from the washing machine to pull the blonde into her embrace.

"I get it Shay. Let's just get him better. It's okay. It's over. " as she hug rocked the smaller woman in her arms.

"Is it though?" Shay countered. She didn't see Dawson's face slip into consternation. The rain continued to fall outside. The wind began to howl and blow.

And Boden was failing. He approached Mills the way he would any other candidate who had been insubordinate and that was a mistake. Thunder clapped loudly outside. A lightning strike lit up his window. It was late evening and he thought he was prepared for the sort of insolence all cocky upstarts had when they were first on the job and feeling invincible. But Mills' insolence was masked by a deep sense of betrayal and his silence told Boden that Mills knew more than he'd ever wished the young man to discover. Boden leaned back in his desk chair while Mills continued to blink in front of him.

"I'm not sure what you want sir"

"An explanation"

"Of what?"

And this was where Boden got himself caught. Strictly speaking, Mills's personal life was not his purview. It wasn't interfering with his work. To the contrary, his diligence to the tasks assigned had sharpened in the past few weeks. Whether that was the result of his separation from paramedic in charge Dawson or the animus he seemed to seethe like air around his mother and now him, was anyone's guess. The question now was whether he should be direct or elliptical in his approach. He didn't want to accidentally reveal more than he already knew. Mills was not a terribly violent person except for that one punch at Benny. If it were up to him, Mills could have kept going, no repercussions, but Benny was revered in CFD and Mills was the son of a firefighter whose death and history was understood on the oblique. In the subterfuge he had wrought for Mills' own good. Boden focused in on the sulky candidate with a near growl in his tone.

"Do not play me for a fool. I —"

 _Truck 81. Squad 3. Ambulance 61. Multiple vehicle accident. 928. N. Leavitt Street_. Boden and Mills both leapt up. It was too wet to be a fire which meant Squad would be primary but they both rushed for their turnout gear regardless. Boden knew that side of town fairly well. It was poorer, close to the infamous Lapthrop Homes. He hoped the scene was contained by the time they arrived as he watched Capp and the rest of the rescue squad climb into their truck, already raring to go.

Except it was chaos. The accident was actually three separate accidents: one car in the river, a truck over the side headfirst onto N. Leavitt Street while a five car pileup ranged over N. Damen Avenue bridge. Gridlock in both directions. No direct access to any of the victims. A nightmare: the sleeting rain, the pitch black night, the sounds of all the groaning machinery. Friday night. Alcohol or exhaustion? No one was sure of the cause yet but Tara stood, half bent over in the back of the ambulance as Shay and Dawson opened the doors to rain and carnage. It had taken thirty minutes to get there already through traffic. One other ambulance was on scene and police officers were scrambling with traffic cones and handheld flashlights to direct cars around the disabled vehicles but rubberneckers were making everything difficult.

Tara listened to Dawson bark out orders to Shay and confer with Chief Boden. Multiple casualties. At least one head trauma. Several more ambulances needed. She couldn't keep up. Was blinking too slow. Hearing without understanding. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

"Little! Move your ass! What do I always say?!" came the bellow from Dawson. _React quickly_. Tara remembered that at least as she grabbed a backboard and stepped down. Was it safe? Did PD have the street cordoned off? Good god was that smell fuel or flesh? Tara stuttered to a stop next to her superior. The rain was a wall, coming down between them. Visibility was nil. Rainwater was sheeting off the bridge it poured so hard. She couldn't even see a car in front of her. There was a car in the river?

Suffice to say Tara Little was overwhelmed. The exciting life she had envisioned full of action and thrills whittled her down to a scared shivering mess in an oversized helmet with the wrong sized gloves and someone pointing down the line of invisible cars saying:

"Do a preliminary assessment. Coordinate with Ambulance 33 if you can. Tell me the disposition of the occupants in the first car". Tara squinted into the near dark. The first car was a red Honda civic, two door crashed through the guardrail but not tipping over. The sort of car her jackass ex called a rice cooker, drag racing down the backroads of her hometown trying to scare the crap out of her. Funny how it worked and it didn't. She'd leaned into the long shrieking curves almost willing impact to occur. The first car. The red car. Okay. _Go!_

She slipped twice in thirty steps. Dawson called out instructions to her over the radio. So much chatter she couldn't focus. Truck was doing… what exactly with the jaws of life on the door of a 12 seater passenger van. Kids screaming their heads off. Scared and wild with panic. Tara blinked into soft focus by the driver side door of the Honda.

"Sir?" no response. "Sir?" Tara pressed. The airbag had deployed, his head was resting against it, blood trickled from his temple. But he was still. Quiet. Tara began to tremble.

"D-D-Dawson. He's dead"

"Did you check his fucking pulse Little?" that was Shay jolting her out of her terror. She placed her fingers at his neck, probed gently just in case she got it wrong but still…

"Driver has no carotid pulse. Head trauma. Possible broken neck. No other passengers" She turned his head side to side gingerly for a better look. Was she qualified to do this alone? Probably not. Probably she was flunking basic protocols. The guy was definitely dead.

"Tara. Report. I repeat. Report. What is the code?"

She wanted her to remember the fucking code for a DOA? It was a DOA! Tara sniffled. Brushed wet hair and rain out of her eyes. Smeared blood across her forehead. Rookie mistake. What was the code? A sound of disgust over the radio.

"Work backwards. There are four cars between us. What do you see?" Nothing. She saw nothing. It was pitch black but for headlights and flashlights and the soft glow of the bridge's lights. Was it creaking? Shit.

"I think.. I think there's a woman in the green minivan choking on her seatbelt"

"THEN DO SOMETHING TARA!" She ran forward. The minivan wasn't green. It was dark blue. Fuck. She had no fucking clue what she was doing. It was one minivan in a five car pileup with traffic backed up in both directions. Someone would figure it out.

Tara was fucking up. Dawson knew it. Just not royally. Not enough to pull her from the field. She couldn't remember protocol to save a damn life but it appeared this would be more recoveries than rescues regardless. She'd known something was off. Some intuition her abuela would have scolded her for ignoring. Dawson peered over the side of the bridge at the truck that Hermann –it was Hermann right?– was trying to get into. All she could see through the rain was the grey undercarriage. All she could smell was gas and be glad it was too wet to ignite while she and Shay moved through triage. It would be another fifteen minutes before even one ambulance could arrive because Friday night traffic and rain and the Kennedy Expressway. It was lucky that they, at least, were on a two way street. Squad 3 was below the bridge on one way N. Leavitt and from the sounds she heard over the radio, not doing well.

"Campbell's in trouble!" Capp called out, hoisting on the line submerged in the North Branch, waiting for his man to pull back. Campbell had been under for five minutes looking for the car without luck. Every moment he didn't tug back on the line was another moment Capp wanted to be down there instead. But Boden wasn't risking two men in the water with the rain and the water rising, no description for the car and Mills came running up with a destroyed bike which meant a cyclist, a motorist and a car in the river. For fuck's sake...

"Chief!"

"Haul him in! Now!"

And Capp started pulling along with the rest of Squad 3 until Campbell bobbed listlessly to the surface, one small body in his arms...

It was still raining when Severide stared mutely at his television. Reports of a multiple fatality car accident near the Lapthrop Homes took the late night news by storm. It was close to midnight and reports were coming in that three people had died at the scene. The video footage showed him Boden, yelling into a radio and glaring at the camera. Showed Shay hovering over a backboard, one man disoriented but alive and screaming while she tried to restrain him. The news anchor reported:

 _One confirmed death, Sandy Mitchell, 8 years old was pulled from the river hugging her teddy bear. No word on her parents_ and Severide saw red. Shaking, his whole leg protesting, he rolled towards the coffee table and his phone. Firehouse 51 had responded. Squad 3 had failed. It was all he could see in his head as the news droned on about the presumed drunk driver who spun out on the bridge, sending Sandy's car into the water. He watched as the sound of sirens pierced the background of the video as it aired over and over, a vague close up of the dead girl in someone's arms.

He speed dialed Shay.

The muted sound of her cellphone woke Shay up from a short nap in an emergency room chair while Dawson covered all the paperwork. It was late and she was cold and wet as she propped her phone between shoulder and ear.

"Hello?"

"Who went into the water?" Shay sat up. Kel was pissed. Seething if she could guess by his tone.

"Kel…" she knew that leaving him alone was less than ideal. That an idle Severide always meant trouble but the barely controlled sound of his voice over the phone was concerning.

"No one you know, Kel. Capp did all he could" she soothed.

"That's not an answer Shay"

"I don't know for certain!" she was lying. Capp's cracked voice had echoed over the radio. _Campbell's got something_. Something being the petite body of a girl with braids laced in cowrie. Her bedraggled teddy bear. The blue of her lips as she was finally put in the back of an ambulance when all casualties were accounted for: the living prioritized over the dead.

"I should have been there"

"Kelly. No. Don't do this!" her alarm carried with her voice and Dawson looked up from her paperwork with red rimmed eyes. "You didn't drive the car. You weren't there."

"Exactly! I wasn't there and I should have been!" he near howled and Shay held the phone away from her ear as he grew louder. Dawson walked over. Gestured with her hands to assist but Shay shook her head. No, this was her and Kel's fight. She waved Dawson off again as she turned and walked out into the pelting onslaught alone.

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 _Thanks for reading!_


	14. Chapter 14

**AN: I promised a couple people this would be up by Sunday night but then a family emergency happened and it's been a crazy week. I apologize profusely as I know what it's like to be a reader and want to know what comes next. There's always a wrench in the works with these characters and this chapter is no different. Thank you to all the readers, reviewers, followers and favouriters. It's truly been just great seeing all of your reactions.**

 **Full disclaimer: I do not own the rights to these characters and they are the property of Dick Wolf et al. You all just get to see what I'd do with them if I did.**

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Enrique Iglesias crooned as Dawson moved in circles around her kitchen counter. Enrique was an occasional guilty pleasure. A secret no one knew but she was twenty four hours into her forty eight hours off and baking cookies to go with the brownies, paella and some rice she'd cooked just because. Cooking was work, yes, but also meditation. The actions were routine and practiced even when she made her meals unpredictable. The quiet early morning demanded some rote action. She hadn't slept much.

She was worried. About Shay who took all the work of Severide's recovery on her small shoulders. About Kelly, his wild self-recriminations concerning the rescue only a night ago. _His fault_ she'd heard him clear as a bell over Shay's phone before the blonde rushed out the doors. Dawson had a difficult time completing paperwork after that. Sandy Mitchell's face swam into view, puffy and still. The tinge of blue to her beautiful brown skin, By some cruel twist of fate her father had survived. His wails echoed down the hospital hallways. They haunted Dawson. When she'd turned to look, he was collapsed at the doctor's feet, still wrapped in a warming blanket. Inconsolable.

Dawson shook the darkest of her thoughts away with the opening strains of Bailamos. The cookies were mint chocolate chip, the brownies dark chocolate. She was going to spend the next thirty minutes waiting while they cooled before she even attempted the car trip to Severide and Shay's place. She was exhausted but also nervous. The last thirty six hours were no picnic. End of shift had been dull with everyone's solemnity. Hermann especially, with his four kids and another on the way, was too choked to speak. Kids were always the worst.

She tried to concentrate on how she was going to approach Severide. Like the feeling she'd had the night of the accident, Dawson had an awful intuition all was less than well with him. She of course was partially to blame. Dawson copped to that. Their mutual silences were rife with a half dozen misunderstandings. She needed to fix some small part. After a job like that, it was imperative to her sanity to fix something. Repair to the human body was by definition and practice, easier to complete than emotional damage but… Dawson sighed and drank her coffee.

It was Sunday. Traffic was lighter than usual as she slowly drove crosstown, muttering curses. Wishing it would take longer. Severide and Shay split the cost of living in a far more hip neighbourhood than she could afford. Closer to the public beaches and downtown. She preferred her little house. Its solitude. She was thinking in circles. She didn't have a plan but she still had keys. Shay would be there to act as a buffer anyway. Right? Shay had requested the brownies! Why was she so nervous? Dawson looked at all the food in her passenger seat. _Maybe I went overboard…_ It didn't matter. She checked the time. _Eight thirty a.m._ Wait. Was it seriously that early? Shay would kill her for ringing the doorbell. She would use the keys. Yes. That worked. Sneak in while they were both sleeping. Write a cute note. Leave. Perfect.

Like all other decisions she'd made in the last month. This one did not proceed according to plan. Balancing the covered trays on her left hip, Dawson slowly turned the key in the lock and nudged the door open to peek her head around only to stop cold at what she saw.

"Have you lost your fucking mind?!" She was crossing the room and dropping the trays on a counter before she even processed the thought. Severide was balanced on his good leg in front of the cabinets on the other counter. He turned his head towards her voice.

"I thought Shay kept candy in here" Dawson braced her hands on both of his hips as she stood behind him, face level with his luscious butt. The man was in a cast on his granite kitchen counter with only one hand holding onto an open cabinet door. The man was a reckless idiot and she was trying to hold her tongue.

"How did you even get up there?" Dawson glanced at the crutches perched next to her while Severide chuckled and kept rummaging through the cabinet. "Okay let's try another question. How were you going to get down?" Slowly, gingerly, she let Severide turn on the counter. _He must have an amazingly strong core_. She looked up into his eyes. They seemed fever bright. Severide brushed hair out of Dawson's eyes while she tried to calm her anxious pulse. He was still only using one hand to support himself like a jackass.

"So can we talk now or are you going to yell some more?"

"Just climb down asshole!"

Dawson's throat was tight. She was gripping his hips like a vise. Afraid of him falling over and keenly aware they hadn't been this close in a month. His breathing was shallow. Was it his ribs or something else? Dawson didn't want to assume the worst but Severide was playing at being invincible. That led nowhere good.

"Bri…"

"Why are you all sweaty?"

"I was doing sit-ups"

"Of course you were"

The hand brushing hair off her face landed on her right shoulder in a firm grip. Dawson slid her hand from his hip to the small of his back as Severide leaned down to rotate his bad leg off the counter, his free hand planted on the dark granite. With slow unsteady motions, Severide sat down on the counter his knees caging Dawson in on either side of her waist. _Unbelievable_. Severide leaned in, his hands cupping her cheeks, eyes staring in and Dawson sighed quietly, her hands on his, her mouth just the slightest bit open. She didn't know what to say and she didn't want to let go so when he touched his forehead to hers and breathed her in, any plan she could have had was suddenly unimportant. This was Kelly and she'd missed having him close. Missed the smell of him and the weight of his arms around her shoulders and the bristle of his stubble against her neck when he hugged her like right now with his whole big body. She secretly loved being small with him. Feeling held in his power. He kissed her hair and her neck and burrowed in as close as he could and rumbled her name in his throat.

They stood like that for a long minute. Dawson recognized in herself a need to make him as tangible as possible. She'd barely touched him in a month but he was real and he was home and he was safe. And he would walk and run and fight fires again. She knew this as certainty because she knew exactly how stubborn he was. He pulled back first. Dawson looked into his eyes. His pupils weren't pinpricks but he wasn't entirely sober either. Shit.

"How much did you take?"

"Bri…"

"Don't do that. Don't use that name when I'm asking you if you're high. Not if you want it to matter"

She was still wrapped up in him, hands under his shirt on his back. His breathing was shallow and she didn't think it was all exertion. His face was crumpling inwards. She didn't want that. She wasn't judging him. So she planted a kiss on his lips and held on. Waited for him to realize she was asking because she cared. Because she worried and he didn't ever have to do this part alone. She'd helped before and she would again. Finally Severide shrugged.

"It was a rough night" and Dawson felt her whole body soften with his admission. Yes, it had been a rough couple of nights and she was here.

"That is not an answer but okay. Let's get you settled in on the couch before I put this food away."

"Shay isn't home." Dawson processed that statement quietly as she handed him his crutches. This wasn't exactly how she'd imagined the morning would turn out but it made her more than grateful she'd stopped by. She hovered at Severide's side as he slowly walked over to the couch. The pullout bed was all rumpled sheets and pillows and he sat down with a sigh.

"Since when?"

"She tore through here after shift. Put out my pills. Took a shower. Said she was going out." Dawson sat beside him as he shrugged. "I figured she was blowing off steam because-"

"I heard you on the phone. You don't need to explain"

Dawson watched him swallow and bob his head. "Yeah so. It was a rough night and all" He began to lean back and Dawson passed him a couple pillows to stuff against the couch frame. Propped his injured leg up on a pillow and watched him get as comfortable as possible.

"Next time call me" she offered.

"Can I call you? Really?"

"Yes. You can. I meant it when I sent that text. She left you alone and-"

"I'm not helpless Dawson. I can-"

"Shut the fuck up Sev. This isn't about your bad boy image." she snapped right back. Dawson grabbed a spare pillow and punch fluffed it before scooting closer and shoving it behind Severide's head. He was staring at her incredulously. "What? It's not. You're injured. I don't think that you're weak because you broke a leg and can't reach a cabinet. Don't be fucking dense."

"Sev?"

Dawson blinked as Severide cocked his head. She refused to blush. She _refused_.

"Not the point. Shay left you here which is fine when you know when she'll be back but not like this. Call me next time. I mean it. Regardless of everything else."

"Can we actually talk about everything else now?"

" Are you going to come clean about the pills?"

Hard though it might be to believe, Dawson wasn't trying to be difficult or mean. Everything about this conversation was just going to be hard. She was trying to be fair to everyone involved and failing. Compromise was not her strong suit. Neither was doing anything halfway. She was in or she was out and the nebulous nature of her connection to Severide at the moment was anathema to her. Was cruel to a man she had respected for his firefighting skills long before she'd ever met him in bed. She watched him struggle to respond to her question and, just this once, gave him an out.

"You came to me for help last time. Just know you can do so anytime. Anytime at all."

Then she told him to relax while she put the food away and offered to make him some breakfast. He was wary at first but when she took off her jacket and her shoes, Severide finally lightened up. Dawson began chatting while she stood in a kitchen for the second time in two hours cooking pancakes and slowly teasing out just how Severide had gotten to the point of dosing himself. It was the long dark hours of night, where a pain pill's dose faded in the middle of his sleep, if he slept at all. He admitted to headaches and insomnia. He was tired and vulnerable and the fatal job last shift had clearly sent him spiralling with anxiety. Even if he would never admit it. Finding Severide on top of the counter was a pretty stark indication that he was pushing too hard, too fast. She asked him to rein it in and he shrugged. Which made her want to throw her hands up in the air and scream.

Dawson handed the plate of pancakes over to him. Then she sat down cross legged across from him and watched him wolf it down. He should have looked disgusting but of course he didn't. Even with chipmunk cheeks full of pancake, Severide was cute to her. She decided to just start talking while he was occupied. She tangled her fingers in her hair.

"The day you fell…. it shook me. I believed, truly believed you would live. It wasn't that I thought you might die. I-" Dawson swallowed against a cough, cleared her throat. "I helped the men carry you. You were still awake and calling out and you reached for me." Dawson closed her eyes and shut up for a second. She tried to gather her scattered thoughts. Tried to remember why giving him up had been so important in the first place.

"I'm not saying this right."

"Bri…"

"No, look… we happened fast in this spontaneous unplanned gorgeous way and I still haven't processed everything with Mills. We didn't break up because he doesn't love me. We broke up because he doesn't trust me."

A quiet fell between them for a moment as Dawson twisted her hair between her fingers and Severide looked at her. "Do you love Mills?" Severide asked, his tone slightly flat and muffled. He swallowed the rest of the pancake. Put his plate on the floor.

"No! No that's not- Kelly i'm not good at this remember? I'm never good enough. Every conscious decision I've made with a man I care about has blown up in my face in epic fashion and I am trying, really trying to learn from my mistakes."

Dawson looked up to find Severide blinking right at her. His face a cross between angry and resigned she never wanted to see again. "Is this you blowing us up Bri? Am I a mistake?" He reached out to her with one hand and Dawson took it between her own. She kissed his still healing knuckles and shook her head fervently.

"You were never a mistake. Idiot what i'm trying to say very badly is my head's a mess and it's messing with you and i don't want that. Not when you've already got so much shit going on." Dawson crawled up the couch bed to sit beside him, to lean into him. "You don't need to be worrying about what's going on with me when you're in the middle of recovery."

Dawson watched Severide stare at their joined hands. Wondered if she should let go, but knew he wouldn't allow it and she didn't want to either just yet. "I have baggage Kelly. That I haven't quite figured out and there you were, two months into whatever this is and reaching for me when you were delirious with pain. You were all in and I don't deserve that"

"You keep saying that shit. _I don't deserve. I'm not good enough_. What the actual fuck Dawson? Do I look like I give out gold stars or something? Do I look concerned with you being perfect?"

"It doesn't stop me worrying. Doesn't stop me trying to prove myself to Casey and then to Mills. Never mind Shay. Shay! Who loves you like crazy doesn't think much of us. Doesn't that make you anxious?!"

It did but Severide didn't want to say that. He was gazing into Dawson's eyes and seeing her fear and all of her concern and none of it was his fault which had to be the strangest part of this whole ordeal. He wasn't the problem. It was everything else.

"Shay doesn't trust me now and that sucks and I need that back and I know you do too."

"So we just cut this off. Right now?"

A dull throb began between his temples. He wanted to yell at her but couldn't. She was saying _it's not you it's me_ with a healthy dose of what amounted to _think of the children_ as Shay and Casey and Mills flitted through his mind. He'd known Dawson was giving. He'd always known she was generous and open with the people she allowed to get close. He just hadn't realized how far she was willing to go to punish herself for those same people. He traced his index finger down the back of their joined hands. He heard her sniff but couldn't look at her just then.

"Shay got to you too. Don't pretend you stopped texting me because you wanted to"

She had him there. That was the thing with Dawson. She never let you off the hook because, and this suddenly occurred to Severide with blinding ferocity, Dawson felt like she was always on the hook. Was always waiting to be scolded and castigated for something she did when she wasn't thinking. It was why she lashed out. She figured she was always in trouble and already wrong. Dawson reached for something and got her hand slapped so she stopped reaching. It's why she was always waiting for someone like Casey to finally see her. Whether it was Casey or Mills or Shay they proved she was good enough just by giving her their affection. How did you fight that kind of belief? Especially when it seemed to mirror your own?

Severide untangled his hand from Dawson's to wrap his arm around her shoulder and drag her into his embrace. He kissed her hair. Buried his nose in it and thought really hard about how to respond. She seemed content to wait. Which bugged him. Dawson not demanding he be upfront was the worst way of knowing this wasn't right. It didn't feel right. Dawson was finally in his apartment with him and instead of yelling at him about the pills and to take care of his leg better, she was being quiet and pleasant. She was trying to say goodbye. He pulled her closer. Dawson gently wrapped one arm around his waist and scooted her legs into his side. Still waiting. Still silent. She wanted him to admit that she was right. To respond and tell her the truth of why he'd stopped texting just like she'd put distance between their bodies a month before.

"Bri… baby" he kissed her hair again. They both knew he needed Shay. He was only a month from a fall that could have killed him. A month into recovering from a broken leg. He had physical therapy appointments and doctor appointments and all sorts of things to work out and Shay was his champion. Had always been his champion and she was hedging. She was awol and he was alone and that wasn't something Shay did when he was in trouble. They were stressing her out and that wasn't helpful.

"I won't disappear on you. I'll still be around."

Dawson was pleading. _Jesus this sucks_. She leaned her head up from its spot on his shoulder and gave him her wide teary-eyed gaze. It was resolute. "And I'm not saying never Kelly. It just can't be now. You need her and I need time". He figured that whatever had happened with Mills must have really hurt her. He wanted to prod at that wound. Wanted to know what the fuck Mills said so he could deck the guy. And he liked Mills. A lot. He'd make a great addition to Squad one day. But somewhere between Casey's constant pausing and Mills earnest rejection, Dawson had gotten bruised so badly she thought she was worthless. What in the actual fuck. He stared her down. She was trembling just like that conversation not so long ago in her bed only this time he couldn't make her warm when he felt so cold himself.

"Do you mean that? Will you give this a shot when I'm better?" _Like I needed anything more to motivate me_. Severide thought grimly. Dawson's hand gripped tightly into his tee shirt.

"Yes. Kelly, i've _missed you_. Not talking to you. Not seeing you. But Shay-"

"Forget about Shay for one minute." he kissed her because this, them, it wasn't about Shay and it shouldn't be. Her anxiety was understandable but her solution left him wanting. And Dawson kissed him back with all she had, stretching the cotton of his shirt as she pulled and he pulled her into him. He'd never expected this. Never expected her and how this felt and to know she was giving it up… "I'm gonna hold you to this promise." Fuck not pushing. Fuck everyone who thought they knew better than him what was good for him. He looked down into Dawson's dazed face. Her eyes no longer teary, pupils dilated, lips swollen.

"I want you to," she whispered and he was leaning down, pulling her shirt up, unbuttoning her jeans. Making her gasp. She wouldn't forget him. He wouldn't let her. Maybe Shay would come around if he went slow, asked Dawson out for coffee. Something. This was all about proof. All he knew was he wasn't leaving her alone for three months with two guys who'd already hurt her. Not by a long shot. He sucked a hickey onto the skin below her navel while Dawson cried out. She was going to leave him well fucked and marked.

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 _Thanks for reading!_


	15. Chapter 15

**AN: Fair warning. Sexual situations are implied at the beginning of this chapter. I have removed most of the explicit detail as a precaution. But if you read the last chapter... Dawson's head is basically on flashback mode. Skip to paragraph three if it makes you uncomfortable. PM me if you want the full version. The show makes no bones about Kelly's sexual prowess so it's going to continue to be a feature of his personality in this story. I have my opinions on what that means for his character's psychological profile.**

 **Full disclaimer: I do not own the rights to these characters and they are the property of Dick Wolf et al. But oh what I would do if I did...  
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Dawson felt lost. Like she'd stepped through a trap door into a world that looked like hers but wasn't. After Kelly had proved to her just how weak and incapacitated he was not, they'd cleaned up together. She'd dragged a plastic chair into his shower because she was serious about no weight on his leg and he'd pulled her onto his lap, declared it his favourite look on her, while she washed his hair and groaned and shuddered. All she could do was hold on until she became liquid like the water around them and then it was all looking and kissing and Kelly pouring himself into her like fire. Like the blue center of a flame she'd always thought they were in bed.

She knew why she did it. Dawson wanted to be Bri all the time. She wanted to exist in that insane heat where she felt safe and found and whole and she was going to take all she could of it before she let go. Before she felt she had to. If it was going to hurt either way, and it did, she wanted more and Kelly had given her everything she'd ever asked for and some things she didn't. So, she was sitting at her kitchen table a week later reminiscing with a glass of wine, touching her face, perusing the hickey bruises finally fading to green on her inner thighs and feeling more than a little hot. They finally had a name for the bar. _Molly's_ and the story of how the man in that nursing home had lost the bar but kept the girl was playing over and over in her head. It meant something. It was a sign somehow. She wasn't stupid but she felt hollow. Remembering Kelly on his side behind her to take pressure off his leg, how he'd hauled her up to his chest...

The doorbell rang. It was not too late but she didn't really feel like company so she stood, wrapped her robe around her and went to look through the peephole. It was Casey. Dawson really didn't feel like hashing things out with him. Things had gotten out of hand with the door and she still felt unaccountably hurt by the way he'd treated her. Did she expect him to be angry? Yes, but they'd always talked. When he'd shut her out… she wasn't built to do the same. Slowly, with more than a little dread, Dawson opened the door.

"Hey Casey. What's up?" he looked as wonderful as ever. Hands in his pockets on her front steps. He'd always made her feel excited to see him before. Always made her anxious and excited inside that unresolved sexual tension spiral they rode like a tide coming in and going out from the shore. She needed that part to be over. The thing about that tide was. It didn't stick around and she'd jumped up and down, bobbed with it and against it enough to know it wouldn't change. Casey had and probably always would have, this effect on her. What she did with it was up to her.

"Can I come in?"

"No,"

She meant it in the nicest way possible even while her heart was racing. She was trying to be better. She wouldn't allow him into her home and further into her heart than he already was. Casey was a permanent fixture. She accepted that. He was too entwined with too many of her Firehouse 51 memories to ever be nothing to her. But he was standing on her front steps assuming he had permission to enter, to stop by unannounced, because she'd always given it before. Always made it easy for him. Besides which, she was missing someone else and it was too soon. Far too soon to allow either of the men who'd crushed her to take up the space he'd left. She still had his three t shirts and one sock. She wasn't giving them back and she wasn't going to paint her walls. "You take me for granted Casey. Like right now, doing this. You take me for granted and I let you so it's my fault and I'm tired."

Dawson's face screwed up and she shook her head. This wasn't about blaming him. He'd reacted predictably to what she'd put out there as what she was willing to put with. Casey was a guy like any other guy. She needed to stop putting him on a pedestal in her mind. "Look, if you want my friendship Casey. You're gonna need to prove it. Shutting me out, pretending I was nothing because you didn't agree with me? That's not friendship. If we can't even talk… if you can't accept me when I make mistakes then what is this?"

The night was cool and she pulled her robe tight around her. It was thinking of Shay and Kelly's friendship that had pushed this thought to the front of her brain. Especially since their intense friendship was why she was drinking wine alone with her memories. Those two were dysfunctional, and more than a little codependent but always had each other's backs.

"I don't know what to say," Casey murmured.

"Then don't" Dawson whispered earnestly. She didn't want to hear him say things that could hurt her. She couldn't help him when she felt so lost inside her head. It felt like Kelly had parked himself in one small corner of her brain and try as she might, Dawson couldn't get him out. She shook her head gently at Casey as he looked at her.

"Sleep on it. I'll see you at the house." her pulse was in her throat. She'd never done this with him. Not really, said no. It felt foreign and strange but not actually wrong. "Have a good night"

"Good night Gabi" and she found she had the strength to watch him walk away without panicking this time. Without calling him back. So much had changed between them that he didn't even know. And one small part of her would always wish to share things with him first. She just had to figure out what and how much of herself she could spare.

Shay didn't know what was up but something was. Except she was maybe a little too exhausted to care. Kelly was being a giant Kodiak bear sized pain in her ass. He was relentless about working out in the ways he could, diligent about his physical therapy and doctor appointments to the point of saying _Don't bother I can handle this._ And yes maybe the motherfucker could handle it but shit, he was her best friend. If he had an X-ray appointment then she had an X-ray appointment. That's just the way it was and she was really really sorry for blowing him off for nearly thirty six hours. She didn't mean to make him worry. She'd just felt so overwhelmed and without any outlet and why couldn't he forgive her? Angie was amazing and totally helped out!

That day she'd been gone, Shay had been under, over and in a girl she'd met at one of her favourite lesbian haunts. One of the places she went to forget about bad shifts and worse. One of those things she did when she felt more dead than alive and that shift had been a really bad shift right down to Kelly blaming himself and screaming at her. And Shay feeling like she'd been scraped out from the inside with grief and pain and so much worry that all she could do was destroy something. Usually it was herself. That night with shots lined up and the bartender calling all comers, Shay had fallen prey to vodka and a lovely woman named Sasha before Angie had sidled up and said "I'm taking you home" and Shay, so accustomed to being the one in control and tired of it at the same time, just jumped. What followed included one lovely harness, an occasional double-sided dildo and too many orgasms to count.

Shay had let go. Then woken up, gone several more rounds with a wall of mirrors as background and then collapsed into another postcoital daze while Angie decided to paint her. Shay now knew exactly what she looked like naked and pleasured dumb. Angie's portrait of her was as embarrassing as it was wonderful. But she was sitting across from her sullen roommate, not basking in the small joy that was Angie because something was up. Had been up. Her first night back at the apartment Kel had just looked at her like he didn't know her and hobbled away. Not a word of conversation. No questions about where she was or what she was doing because he had taken one look at her and known. And she'd looked at the pill dispenser and bitten her lip raw.

It seemed he'd heeded her advice about Dawson. Only once had she quietly mentioned all the new food and he bit her head off saying she could have all the brownies because he didn't fucking care. Which was a lie of course and she'd plated three of them with a glass of milk not more than an hour later to a mumbled _thank you_ before Kel turned back to the television. But this morning her roommate was staring up at the ceiling, hands clenched on his thighs in pain and he wasn't saying anything. Not to her. Angie was still in the shower and she didn't have a shift and he didn't have a physical therapy appointment so maybe they could all do something together.

Angie had quickly surmised that Kelly was important to her and acted accordingly. It was endearing really. In the last few weeks she'd created two beautiful sketches of them. Just stark black and white renditions of their faces and framed them. They now hung on either end of the television like the beginning of a set of family portraits. Shay loved it. She was smiling in hers but Kelly was rendered in quiet, stoic reflection, looking out at the viewer like they were nothing. That Angie had perceived that in Kelly was troubling enough.

"Why don't we make a trip to the firehouse? I know you miss it"

"No one we hang with is on this shift"

"So we go to the park. Or one of the beaches. Let's just get out Kelly!"

"You should go with Angie, I'll only slow you two down. Plus the beach with crutches is just plain stupid."

He was punishing her. That had to be it. Well two could play at that game.

"How about I take you to Molly's? It should be almost done"

"What's Molly's?" Shay forgot that Kelly wasn't at the firehouse when Hermann et al and declared their bar Molly's in honour of a prior owner's wife. Apparently Dawson had lead the charge on that idea and the men had liked it enough to agree. When Shay had finally pulled the full story of Molly out of Dawson, she'd thought it sentimental and sweet. The look on Dawson's face though...

"Hermann's bar. You know, the one that he and Otis and everyone has been fixing up. They finally named it. Got their liquor license in order too." Dawson had mentioned it briefly. She was infuriated by how much bribery it took to get things done through actual legal channels. She wasn't surprised, she'd told Shay. Just very very pissed. She wanted this to work. Antonio had helped her get past the trickiest of the hurdles but she hated owing her brother anything. She'd offered all of this to Shay like they were back on equal footing. Like things were back to normal and Shay had taken it as such when Mills bounded up asking Dawson for help with something in the kitchen and Dawson was fine about helping. No wide eyed looks at Shay begging for reprieve. She'd stood beside her ex in the kitchen with Pouch dancing around her feet and looked absolutely 100% fine.

They still needed to have a serious discussion about what was up with her and Casey, never mind please dear god woman flunk Tara already. The way Otis and Cruz circled around the other blonde like bees trying to make honey was nauseating. But looking across at Kelly, his face clearing a little as though he'd come out of a dark dream, Shay figured visiting couldn't hurt too much. Isolation wasn't doing him any good and the doctor had sounded positive during his last visit. The truth was if Kelly had not been in peak physical health, his prognosis would have been very different. His heart was healthy, he had an active lifestyle and he was more than willing to put in the work necessary to get back on his feet without issue. The fracture was healing well and didn't seem to need surgical intervention. Low impact physical therapy was recommended before he lost more muscle mass and tissue to the leg. There was also the concern about joint stiffness…

"Yeah well I miss drinking alcohol. Might be nice to see it. But if you and Angie…"

"Angie has a gig. We'll all leave once she's ready and I can drop her off on the way."

Kelly gave her a puzzled look. He still looked like he was in pain but he wasn't asking for a pill and she wasn't giving it either and if these headaches kept coming she was taking him to a neurologist.

"What Kel?"

"You met her what, three weeks ago and now she's using your shower and you're dropping her off"

"Yes….?"

"Do you think you're the only one capable of that? Is it only okay when you jump into someone headfirst, no thought for anyone else around you?"

Oh. Fuck. He _really_ hadn't forgiven her. And he was hurt. Kelly saw through her suggestion for the manipulation it was and came back with barbed dividends. He knew she wanted to test him. Test to see how he'd act around Dawson and he made it plain that he wasn't having it. Kelly had always been direct. Shay straightened up.

"Whatever baggage Angie has isn't tied up in people I work with." Shay said curtly. Kelly snorted.

"That's just a convenient excuse. When have I ever done things easy?"

He didn't which was why she worried. God damn it the man had almost quit the job entirely and moved to _Spain_. He wasn't afraid to do something drastic. If he was ready to blow a hole in his friendship with Casey she couldn't stop him but dallying with Dawson was a one way ticket to a long term split the firehouse could not handle. Not right now. Not when he was off his feet and couldn't defend his turf.

"Do you want to go or not?"

She sidestepped his question because the answer was obvious. And really, she couldn't throw stones at the man who had been so ready to commit to two different women in the last few years and failed. Kelly played the jackass commitment phobe well but he was loyal to the memory of his women long after they were gone. Whaley had no clue about his sister's infidelity until she'd said something. Renee didn't know the half dozen times she'd seen Kelly at his laptop looking at tickets to halfway across the world. When her friend loved he loved hard and hurt twice as badly when it was all over. She just didn't believe that was what happened with Dawson.

"Yeah sure. Let me get my jacket" she watched him stalk away on his crutches with a frown before going to see if Angie was done.

The bar looked amazing. If the door was picked out by Dawson, she had good taste. It was dark stained wood with what looked like a porthole at the top. The door handle was aged brass. It all looked at home with the worn brown brick that said this bar was an authentic piece of Chicago history. A low-key neighbourhood dive, Kelly loved it immediately.

"You sure they're here?"

"They work on it every day they don't have shifts. If no one's here Hermann's having a coronary"

Shay helped him up the three short steps before opening the door and yelling out to all and sundry that an injured comrade had come calling. Turned out it was all hands on deck as more than one voice called out from each corner and Cruz swallowed Kelly in a hug, slapping his back a little too roughly. He cough laughed through it as he was led to a barstool. Everything was either brick or dark wood. The original brick on the outside still lined the interior stretching all the way to the back wall which was painted a light blue. Mills was installing twinkle lights across the ceiling which must have been Dawson's influence. Otis was yelling at Hermann who was yelling at Capp about how he was installing the television. Mouch watched all three of them with disgust. And Kelly laughed out loud for the first time in weeks. It was good to see the guys all together outside of the house. Acting like family. He gave Cruz a grin and leaned his crutches up on the bar while Shay wandered over to make sure Mills didn't fall off the step ladder no one was holding for him. Amateurs.

"How goes it?"

"Not bad lieutenant. Not bad. Otis says they'll be open in the next week or two"

"That's great!"

"Yeah Otis has a cousin who's going to be one of the bartenders while she's visiting from Russia. Hermann's not happy he promised it but Dawson told him they had no overhead for a staff just yet so…"

Kelly tuned Cruz out for a minute. She walked out of the back holding a box of cleaning supplies with Casey following her. He didn't think about that for a minute because her hair was in the same high bobbing bun from that first morning and she was wearing an oversized sweater with two large holes in each shoulder. And from here he could still see one fading mark. It made him smirk. She pointed Casey to a table, ducked under Hermann and Capp by the television and set the cleaning supplies on the bartop before she even noticed him but when she did…

"Hey you," she was crossing the long space without hesitation and slapping him back into his seat when he tried to stand. She was looking right at him and smiling like there was no one else in the room before she seemed to remember herself and stepped back "How's the leg doing?"

"Hey D, it's doing" he joked while cringing inwardly. And she cocked an eyebrow in amusement before looking at Cruz and rattling off in Spanish while the other man chuckled and nodded. "Not cool to say things the whole room doesn't understand D" Though he really liked when she spoke Spanish. He really did. He sat back deeper on the bar stool.

"Nothing you need to hear Severide. Can you drink? Cruz is going to grab beers for everyone from the back." she gestured as Cruz scampered away after a moment.

"Ask Mommy Dearest" and he watched her blink in surprise. She got the reference and put two and two together with how he felt about Shay at the moment. Her mouth pursed thoughtfully.

"Maybe I'll just get you water…"

"Aw I'll just nurse it. I promise. And I'm not driving so"

He watched her smile then nod okay. He could see that she wanted to linger but also that she was uncomfortable. They both knew at least one set of eyes would be staring right at them. Kelly wanted her stay. Wanted to be around her, it'd been weeks since her visit. How to make that happen?

"Has Shay told you about Angie?" he blurted out.

"Angie? Whooooo is Angie?" Dawson drawled making a production of it as she turned to her partner.

Kelly went to town describing the tall curvaceous brunette his best friend had brought home. The guys were all ears of course and Dawson fake punched Shay for holding out while moving to wipe down the bar with a rag and some of the cleaning supplies she'd brought out.

"She's an artist so I'm sure she's good with her hands," teased Kelly as the guys chortled and Cruz came round with a bottle of beer for everyone. Hermann called a halt to all work and gathered Otis and Dawson for a short toast.

"Thank you guys for all showing up on your off day to help us out. It's been an… interesting time to say the least and I am so proud of us. To many years at Molly's!"

They all cheered in agreement and sat down to drink. Dawson drew Otis and Hermann into an argument about the concept of ladies night every night and Shay was asking if that meant it was going to be a lesbian bar when Casey strolled over to sit down next to Severide. He immediately became guarded.

"How's the leg doing really?"

"It'll be another month til i'm out of the boot. Started physical therapy" Severide wasn't sure what to make of Casey's friendliness after so long fighting him. From what he knew, Heather still wasn't talking to him but allowed Casey to see the boys all the time. He was Griffin's godfather and he couldn't even see him. Casey was the golden boy, nothing he did was wrong. But Severide remembered quite clearly what he'd said in the house the day Andy died. He remembered saying there was no vent. He remembered all of it. And Casey blaming him was lower than lower given how long he'd known Andy.

"Capp's done a good job with Squad while you're out"

Severide wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or not given the very difficult job he'd watched play out on the local news a few weeks ago. Shay, for all his annoyance at her, still wouldn't talk about it past berating the paramedic candidate as a dolt and wondering why Dawson hadn't canned her ass yet. He trusted Capp though and hoped the guy would reach out if he ever felt overwhelmed. It wasn't an easy job. He was also concerned about:

"Tell me what you know about Campbell"

"He's decent in a fire but shit leading Squad" Casey said bluntly.

"Shit. Really?"

"I think he's not used to high intensity non fire rescues is all" Severide watched as Casey glanced over at Dawson. She was yelling at Mills to get off the ladder if he was going to drink. They didn't have the money to pay out accident claims. They both watched as Mills laughed and patted Dawson on the head as he climbed down. They looked at ease with each other. Whatever else had happened between them, Mills and Dawson seemed able to deal with it. Or maybe Dawson just didn't want Mills to know how badly he'd hurt her. When she punched Mills before dragging him to a table to sit, Severide laughed.

"She's going to make an excellent barkeep" he noted.

Casey murmured his agreement without turning back to look at him and something went cold and dark in Severide. Casey watched Dawson and he wasn't sure if he would call his gaze possessive but it still didn't thrill him. He wanted the other lieutenant to look away, to leave Bri alone because if nothing else had been real between them, her distress over letting Kelly go was. She'd nearly cried before he kissed her. Tears. _Jesus_. With Dawson he'd seen a whole spectrum of emotions he never thought he'd be privy to with her. If she'd felt more than that for Casey and he still didn't come through for her. He took a long pull of his beer and kept watching.

Dawson was a wreck but didn't want to show it. She was terrible at lying though. She'd punched Mills for mocking her and scalded Otis with her ready tongue and she wasn't looking at them. Nope. She was not going to look at them sitting side by side like a girl's threesome fantasy drinking beer and watching her. She knew that they were and if she thought for thirty seconds about Kelly's eyes on her she'd need a dark room and some time alone for the next hour. An hour she did not have with the guys surrounding her. Good god. He'd shown up in his leather jacket on crutches. Shay was being as anxious and paranoid as when they'd first confessed to her. All quick glances and hovering while Casey was still confused about how to be a friend but all of that was white noise and second place to the throbbing ache that seemed to start with her heartbeat behind her breastbone and quiver its way through every limb.

He smiled and she'd remember the exact same look with his head between her thighs and her knees wanted to wobble and she wasn't that girl. Weak in the knees was not a thing for trained paramedics who'd seen more death and bloody viscera than fairytales and rainbows. Dawson took a swing of her beer before slowly packing up the cleaning supplies. It was hopeless. All of it. Kelly. Her. Cleaning in the midst of putting the bar together. It all made no sense so she started heading to the back and

"Hey Dawson!" she turned towards Kelly's voice. "Where's the head around here?" He'd waited until Shay was occupied talking to Hermann, til Casey was locked in some dispute with Cruz and she had her arms full of chemicals she couldn't drop. He was hopping over to her on his crutches with ease and she felt an answering tremble in her own legs. _Down girl. Breathe._

"Follow me. I'll hold the door" she gently pressed the swinging door open to accommodate his see-saw gait and his smell, the one that she'd mooned over that first night and every night since, washed over her and she couldn't stop the quick inhale if she tried. He heard it as the swinging door closed but her hands were still full and she pointed with her chin to the men's room. She was walking the other way, to the office and stock room but he hovered there for a minute just looking and her body wanted to fall apart. He wasn't doing anything and she wanted to fall apart. She chanced a look through the porthole of the swinging door. No one. Kelly was leaning his crutches up on the wall. _What is he doing? Everyone is right there!_ Kelly was standing on one leg without a problem and holding her face between his hands. He kissed her nose once and each eye and her forehead just briefly before pulling back. Dawson was clutching the box of cleaning supplies. If it dropped, someone would come running and Kelly was pressed up against her hands holding it. His thumbs making circles on her cheeks.

"I see you too you know"

Dawson stared up at him completely flabbergasted and so turned on she could cry. He shuffled back and away. He smiled _that_ smile before hopping into the men's room. Dawson locked herself in the stock room for a good fifteen minutes before she felt remotely close to sane.

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 _Thanks for reading!_


	16. Chapter 16

**AN: Kind of nervous about the storyline for this chapter. When a similar version of it played out in season 1 of the show it made me uncomfortable as a woman to see the narrative of false accuser used as a plot point. Especially given the statistics on false accusations. Thank you as always for following and favouriting and reading. I truly appreciate your comments and reactions to this fic. It was really supposed to be a ten chapter wonder...**

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Shay had been right all along. Tara was insane. Once Dawson had given an honest assessment to the higher ups of her skill, Tara accused Lieutenant Campbell of sexual harassment and attempted rape. It sent a shockwave through Firehouse 51. This was just the kind of bad publicity CFD didn't need. And no one at 51 had seen Campbell do anything with Tara. Never mind talk to her. But no one knew him well enough to vouch for him so the brass tried to push Campbell for an apology. Mouch did what he could but warned Campbell about the repercussions. And then the poor man had told Boden he was gay to save himself a long drawn-out trial and eventual dismissal. Had produced pictures of his also in the closet lover and stifled terrified tears in Boden's office and then Shay had been brought in to counsel him and really, really Shay wanted this shift to be over because _what in the actual hell._

Boden had sworn her to secrecy about Campbell's sexuality. She didn't see why. Once the brass knew it was going to be all over the firehouses. Some men would inevitably treat him differently. It sucked but Campbell already knew all about people's prejudices. She'd tried to smile and tell him it was okay but in the frat life culture of firefighters, homoeroticism was still an awkward locker room taboo and the man's career as a firefighter was over whether he wanted it to be or not. He might not get run out of 51 but he was only here as relief. He'd saved himself from jail time and demerits on his record but lost out in the end anyway. Today sucked. She wanted a shot or ten but knew Kelly'd had another doctor's appointment during this shift and he might be okay for partial weight bearing on the leg which would be great news. She wanted to hear all about it as soon as possible.

"I said it's fine Casey."

Shay looked up from her crossword puzzle to see Dawson stalking to the laundry room in a tank top with her shirt dripping coffee in her hands and Casey following behind with apologies. That dynamic sure had changed with a quickness. Whatever patience Dawson had ever had for Casey seemed to be locked up tight and he was trying everything in his power to fix it. Shay could have laughed if it wasn't so sad. Those two were friends. Really sweet friends in spite of Dawson's crush and Casey's inability to be anything but stalwart and steady. To take his time and plan every next move and how it would work out like a chess match, Shay admired his consistency. It was how he'd gotten his mother out of prison finally and back home which had to be daunting and his best friend was putting up her guard and being nice and pleasant and distant in a way he wasn't prepared to accept.

Her fault, she suspected. Dawson didn't want Casey to find out about had occurred with Kelly and her politeness and casual manner were a deflection. A way to control how much it hurt when he did, inevitably, discover what was what. Nothing really stayed a secret in the firehouse. Not for too long unless you were Boden and Severide Senior and the latter uncorked the bottle just long enough to get a punch from Mills before everyone went back to their respective corners. She figured Kelly didn't have the full story or she would know it. Which reminded her, Benny was supposed to visit and she needed to clean Kelly's room for his stay. Wasn't that going to be fun. Two Severides, one grouchy, one mean and little old Shay in the middle. She'd stay at Angie's when she could.

"Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong. I'm just covered in coffee"

"I could-"

"Please. Please. _Do not touch me_ "

It was her tone as much as anything else that had Shay up and out of her seat. She'd been stuck in the middle between Dawson and Severide which had sucked but now it felt like she was on the outside looking in at every interaction her partner had with each man and she didn't know how to help her.

"Hey Dawson, grab my spare shirt. We need to do a run". They didn't but just looking at Casey and Dawson's tableau hurt. There she was backed up against the washing machine, her hands in front of her while Casey tried to move in. It didn't look bad or anything. Plus she knew Dawson could hit when she wanted too. She'd just never hit Casey. Never forgive herself if she did and the way things were going, it was bound to happen. Dawson was standing in a tank top in the not so cozy laundry room and losing her temper. Shay saw it. Saw the way Dawson's nostrils flared and her eyes watered. How she looked up at Casey as though to say _Now? Now is when you push and try? When I say something?_

Dawson looked over at Shay with a quick nod then headed to the locker room. Shay gave Casey an awkward smile before sliding back and away with her hands shoved in her pockets. Maybe now she'd get some answers about what was going down with the blond lieutenant.

"I still love him you know? That's not going anywhere." Dawson sighed "But he doesn't trust me and I don't trust him. Kind of like how Mills doesn't trust me I guess. And Matt just makes it harder."

They were sitting in the ambo, parked up with milkshakes and burgers and Dawson was staring out at Lake Michigan while Shay examined her face for any clues to where the conversation was going.

"Harder how?" and Dawson snorted. A cynical look passing over her face before she took a look pull on her milkshake. Shay was all ears, her nose crinkling with confusion.

"Casey didn't really start trying in our friendship until I told him no. Until I set boundaries and now he's fighting them with all he's got and trying to take us back to whatever it was when I'd just hang around and wait for him to notice all my effort."

"Do you want him to stop fighting?" Shay was genuinely curious. Dawson had such a thing for Casey. Always had. To hear her complain about his attention was different. Shay didn't really want to think about why this was happening now. She sipped her vanilla milkshake and waited for Dawson to respond. This was another change she was not prepared for, Dawson had never criticized Casey. She had complained and pined and shown up day after day with her big brown eyes and sucked Shay into their unrequited love story _every single time._ Although Shay called it unresolved sexual tension. Shay kept it real even if she did think they would be great together.

"I want him to think. To seriously think about what it is he wants from me. I'll cop to being more than emotionally available if he'll cop to being anything but until he needs something and I bound into view."

It was an astute observation and one Shay didn't think Dawson would ever make when it came to Casey. She liked him too much and Shay had always teased her to just tell him the truth, to lay it all out there. To just ask him out already when Hallie skipped town. But she had, and he'd given her "it's not the right time" brushoff which was both decent and infuriating. They were firefighters and paramedics. Every day they saw lives cut short before their time. Waiting on anything seemed too cruel but Dawson had taken it in stride. Told Shay it was probably because he was adjusting to life with his mother out of prison, not that Casey had told her that, and he was feeling overwhelmed and he wanted to have enough time and space to give her what she needed. Again, none of these were Casey's words.

This was all Dawson's interpretation of the brief if sweet interlude where he'd been flirty and present but pulled in all sorts of directions by his mom and Heather and whatever else he did that wasn't about her. And that was all before her deal with Voight...

"So… what now?"

"You mean after the milkshakes or with Casey?" Dawson joked before she took a huge slurp.

"Either. Both"

"Eh. We'll adjust. We have to. He's my friend and I won't just give up on that. He just needs to meet me halfway more. You wanna tell me why you were in Boden's office? _Again_."

And like that the conversation was over. Shay really didn't want to ponder the motivation behind Dawson's shift in perspective on Casey. As far as she was concerned they were going a step in the right direction if Casey's earnest attention was anything to judge by. Dawson's reasoning made sense. She wasn't trying to make him sweat or punish him. She wasn't deflecting to protect herself from the eventual Severide fallout. She'd just come to the conclusion that if he cared as much as he said he did then proof was necessary. She'd already played all her cards and had the mileage on how much she cared to back it up. Shay wasn't sure there was anything Dawson _wouldn't_ do for Casey.

"Can we talk about how I was right about Tara?"

"Here we go…"

They bickered like old times and it was fun. While she drove back to the station, Shay taunted Dawson for wasting too much time trying to shape crazy into competent and Dawson snarked back about all the crazy Shay had fucked. Which to her chagrin, was very very accurate and then they were talking about Angie and her tongue and Dawson was laughing so hard Shay nearly stopped the ambo to slap her back before she choked. Everything was good. Everything was better than good and Shay knew she'd help Campbell anyway she could when the cards got dealt and he knew which way as up. She was lucky in some ways and she knew it. She'd help a colleague out anyway she could.

Boden was in his office and very concerned about the welfare of Firehouse 51 once news broke about Campbell. A sexual harassment training was already being scheduled in the upcoming shift because of Tara Little's allegations and it looked like he might need to schedule additional workshops on diversity awareness as well. It was hard. He wasn't naive. He'd been a black man in the Navy SEALS during a time period where the Black Panthers and MLK Jr and Malcolm were all fixing to change things and the military was not known for its progressive views. Police and fire departments were much the same way. He knew he'd never get higher than Battalion Chief and he was okay with that. Used to be men that looked like him couldn't even walk through the front door. He loved his firefighters. Loved his job and he would take care of each and every one of them until the day they dragged him out by his very grey curly hair. He wanted to do right by each and every one of them until he did. But what to do about Campbell? He suddenly felt a little guilty for being distant, for not wanting to get attached to a man who was replacing a subordinate he thought of like a son. He was beyond relieved that these accusations had not been leveled at Severide. Kelly, with his impossible charisma and long list of flings would have made a juicy target for Miss Little. For the little that he knew of Campbell even before he confessed his sexuality, it seemed odd to lay accusations at his feet.

He didn't want to think about why she might have done it. From what he could gather in Shay's derisive tone earlier in the shift, the girl was no paramedic. Not one made for a busy inner city firehouse serving a population of millions. And Dawson had failed her after a trial period more than generous by her own rigid standards. Dawson had been wary in some unconscious way about the girl no doubt and given her ample opportunities to prove herself. She wasn't exactly a hindrance during the Lapthrop Homes accident but she certainly didn't excel in crisis mode either. It was good that she was gone and it would be even better when her allegations were proved false and the higher ups took away the administrative position they'd carved out to keep her quiet. What a fucking mess.

Still, when all of what he knew was shed to light, 51 would still be down a very needed firefighter and with the way his house looked right now, he was sure they wouldn't get a quality substitute. Boden sighed. He wasn't sure what the brass was thinking at the moment but it could not be good.

His phone rang and he was so reluctant to answer he forwarded it to his secretary's desk. She could take a message. He was too tired to deal with any more bad news.

"Chief…" he sighed and looked up at Connie's beaming face. "You'll want to take this call. I promise."

Boden hmmmed and Connie laughed a little before closing the door so he could have his privacy on the phone. Boden picked up the receiver grumpily.

"Hello?"

"Hey Chief,"

"Severide," the first genuine smile of the last several hours streaked across his face. "How are you Lieutenant?"

"Bored out of my mind sir" and Boden chuckled at the younger man's frankness.

"No doubt. No doubt. Is that why you're calling? To check in and make sure we're all still alive down here?"

It felt good to joke for a moment. Solemn and severe as he was, Boden appreciated the joy some of his men brought to the firehouse. He just wished they wouldn't engage in such silly pranks and dares during work hours and get them all under the scrutiny of the brass. Severide seemed to be in good spirits which spoke well for his progress. "You should come visit. No need to hide just because you're injured Kelly. You know that."

"How about I come by and help with dispatch?"

"Kelly…"

"I got cleared for light duty Chief. And I can't stay home and watch soap operas. I am not that guy"

"So you'll come in and actually catch up on your paperwork?"

"Eh. I'll help out arson investigation and probably teach a course at the academy too."

"Sounds like a plan Kelly. Do you need any accommodations for the crutches and cast?"

"Uh… a chair and no oil spills?"

Chief laughed quietly. The firehouse was never pristine but they did have protocols around work safety hazards even if the guys did leave a mess. He'd make sure the men got a refresher course. Seemed like all he'd be doing for the next several hours was scheduling training class after training class. At least this one could make him smile while the men groaned. He wasn't letting Severide get re-injured from some water spilled on the floor. That simply would not do.

"We'll do our best. See you at 9am sharp for the morning briefing Lieutenant"

"Later Chief"

Severide chuckled and Boden could hear the glee in the younger man's voice so keenly he wanted to laugh again. He wasn't even going to step into a fire truck and the man sounded happier than the last time they spoke in the hospital. He was as close and as far away from a fire as he had ever been in the last two months but, he supposed, being in the firehouse was different. Helping the best he could was probably better for Severide than watching their jobs on the evening news and feeling impotent.

"Connie!" he called out. Her response was so perfectly smug but he couldn't fault her. She had been right of course. "Get me the latest schedule for who's in the dispatch room the next three days. Severide needs to be read in on updated procedure"

Connie began her search and Boden went back to scheduling another training for his men. He thought of what else he could do to keep Kelly occupied as the weeks of rehabilitation progressed. Perhaps some community outreach might be in order in the local schools, with an able bodied assistant no doubt. Maybe Mills would be amenable. He frowned. The air still hadn't cleared between him and Mills but he could not be less surprised by that fact. Learning your parents were fallible was always hard and he was more than a little culpable in Mills' disillusionment. Boden sighed. _Well there goes that happy feeling._

Severide knew he was going to look absurd walking into 51 in a boot with one crutch under his arm but he didn't care. Well, he did. But his pride wasn't enough to keep him sitting in a cab outside. He really missed driving his car but apparently driving with a broken leg meant if you had an accident they could deny your claim and he'd already had one accident. Best not to tempt fate. Shay didn't know he was coming in. Maybe it was silly but this was a good surprise not a bad one and he wanted to see her face light up like everyone else's when he, sigh, hobbled in. She and Angie had left early for breakfast. It was nice seeing Shay be happy in that respect. Angie was a girl's girl. Talking colours and light and explaining art in a flurry of hand gestures and words that sometimes made it really hard to take her seriously. Shay loved it though and he loved Shay so there they were.

It was ten minutes before briefing time. He knew he was cutting it close but he also kind of wanted to make an entrance. So sue him. He paid the cabbie and hopped out, go bag precariously held on one shoulder. He, quite sadly, couldn't remember the duty hours for dispatchers so he'd brought the bag just in case. If no one else killed him for doing too much Shay definitely would. He figured he'd drop it by the break room door on his way in. He made quick work of the driveway and entered through the side door by the trucks. So far so good. He could hear Chief's voice booming. He wasn't sure if Chief would tell anyone he was coming. He didn't actually ask him to keep it a secret but…

"Mr. Severide! If you would like to remain a lieutenant get your butt into my briefing room right now!" of course he did. Chief's face was set in that half stern half distant way he got when he was trying not to show he was pleased in the wrong moment. He had to grin at that, Chief was Chief after all. A good man to have in your corner.

"Yes sir Chief!" he would have tipped a salute but that was doing it too brown and he dropped his go bag and took the round of backslaps and cheers with aplomb and found to his surprised delight that the only free seat was at the very front desk next to Bri who was looking at Shay who was shaking her head like _I didn't know!_ and no, Shay wouldn't know a couple of things if he had anything to say about it. He tipped a nod to Casey because rank always called to rank even if they were still pissy at each other. And then he turned to Chief with a smile as he leaned his crutch against the desk. Bri's leg was shaking next to him and he couldn't be too obvious but… he lined his thigh up against her thigh as though he was adjusting his boot and let out a deep long breath while he rubbed his hand down his leg, pinkie touching her calf as he went. She went perfectly still and upright in her chair but he felt her take a deep inhale slow and steady as well. He leaned over the desk, hands clasped in front of him and looked around.

"Sooo. What'd I miss?"

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 _Thanks for reading!_


	17. Chapter 17

**AN: Short one! Interstitial chapter to explore the motivations of a couple characters before they are presented with more drama information than they can handle!**

 **To each and every person who reviewed, the guest ones too, you're all magic to me. No lie. And I feel like a silly awkward person responding to each of your reviews like you have that kind of time to read my not fanfiction babble. But thank you thank you thank you. Here you go!**

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It started with little things so Dawson was as amused as she was frustrated. Severide had never been a subtle man but he reined in his more impish impulses at the firehouse because of Shay. Honestly, she thought he'd be more angry. The way they had parted, Dawson still didn't have words for it. Then he was at the bar and she was in the stock room wishing for a block of ice. It wasn't even summer yet. Shay was still peeking around corners at them so it seemed, and he'd learned to keep a secret. The slightest tilt of his mouth at one end could send her into a tailspin… if she let it which she didn't. She either hate loved it or love hated it but the things like his hand on her shoulder because he suddenly felt unsteady or the snort laugh he made at someone's joke, or the day she went to open her locker and the whole door came off to a note that said: _thanks for the brownies_ next to a bag of Hershey kisses. He was being snark cute. He was trying to be both the Severide she'd always known and the Kelly she'd given up.

He said oops so many times the first shift she could have sung Britney Spears ad infinitum. He was clearly bored in dispatch but not enough to get himself into trouble with Boden. The shifts he wasn't calling out job locations and parameters in his devastating voice, he'd be in officer's quarters playing nicely with Casey as he grumbled through paperwork and cleaned up his logs. She preferred him in dispatch for her own sanity. Did his calm voice over the intercom make less and less sense as anything but sex on steroids when she heard it? _Yes_. But she didn't see him. That was key. Seeing him meant reckoning with the shift in their dynamics and how very much her fault it was. He needed Shay more than he needed her, that was a given. Add in a long term injury, the fact he couldn't drive and was impossible to keep entertained and happy while injured… she'd probably last three hours before she went crazy on him.

How was this possible? She'd asked herself over and over. Severide had been around for years, joking with his men and being so charming all she could do was mirror Shay's official position of scoffing and rolling her eyes before push came to shove and the man pulled a victim from a car, spent hours talking to a dying man trapped under a T beam and then visited the man's wife to pay his respects in person. Severide had his own code of honor. It was complicated, definitely infuriating but underneath it all he was so loyal that being mad was a complete waste of time.

So Dawson was practical. She leaned into his hand on her shoulder because she wasn't about to let him fall. Answered his hail on the comms with brisk efficiency when he called out information she needed and let him do what he liked around the firehouse. It had to die down eventually. He was like an excited puppy, more so than Pouch had ever been, playing with his friends and demanding their attention after too long alone. He wasn't going to ask for people to deal with his injuries, or to accommodate him in anyway the stubborn idiot. Like right now, he was throwing popcorn kernels at Mouch's head while he watched the tv and snorting every time Mouch whacked one to the ground for Pouch to eat.

"So, are you down for a couple hours at the bar tonight? We need to go over inventory"

"Huh what?"

Dawson blinked back into her conversation with Otis and hoped her perusal of Severide had been less obvious. "Sorry. I'm just tired. Yeah I'll be there"

"Aaaaaand we can talk about Zoya's start date?"

"Zoya?"

"My cousin from Russia who's going to be working at the bar while she's-"

"Hermann!" Dawson bellowed. She wasn't having this conversation without their third partner. The two men had grown accustomed to using her as the scapegoat when something got done without the other's consent. And it was getting very very old. Firehouse life was remarkably like frathouse life and even Hermann as the adult of the trio devolved into a teenage tantrum on occasion about their side job project. She'd threatened to sicc Cindy on him.

"Come on! How are we going to staff the bar when we're all on shift without her?"

"You think I'm letting her run the bar alone when we're out on jobs?" Dawson gave Otis her _are you crazy?!_ face which crumpled into her _oh shit we did not think about how our shifts worked when we bought this place_ face and Hermann stomped in, saw her glum expression and Otis sitting down and immediately started cursing because she'd discovered a new problem.

Severide snorted from the couch and they all turned to look at him.

'It's a firefighter's bar. Who on first and third watch need jobs and won't drink your profits?" The three business partners considered this. Dawson glanced around. Otis didn't look particularly thrilled because he wanted his cousin to have a job when she visited, but Hermann thought about some of the career firefighters on the other shifts and didn't look so stressed. It was an idea with merit.

"I'm sure you have suggestions Severide. Who you thinking?" Herman demanded.

Before Severide could respond Boden called everyone into the briefing room. It was time for the mandatory sexual harassment training session he'd scheduled. Dawson sighed silently. In truth, Severide being back at the firehouse was a welcome distraction from the awkwardness and uncertainty surrounding Campbell's career. He was technically still serving as relief for Severide but the brass was still hounding him about Tara and as everyone filed into the room Dawson really wished she hadn't taken so long with her evaluation of the woman. For all that they didn't really know Campbell, none of this jived with the quiet stoic man who gave commands with an almost desultory air. Lieutenant Campbell sat at the front, painfully uncomfortable under the scrutiny of Jason Sahale, diversity counselor extraordinaire for the CFD. Sahale waved everyone in and was pleasant. Didn't do any ice breakers thankfully or make everyone say their names. It was all going well if painfully stilted until Sahale called Dawson and Casey up to act out inappropriate conversations between work colleagues.

Shay, god bless her, raised her hand to stall as Dawson attempted to get her face under control. There would be no blushing. None at all or she'd never hear the end of it. Because it had to be Casey right? She stared down at the ring of laminated index cards with actual pictures on them for each proposed infraction. For one careless moment, she wondered what crack designer had decided this topic needed their childlike cartoon drawing genius. She looked across at Shay. At Kelly for one brief moment before biting her lip and looking away.

"Do you have any scenarios in which two people of the same gender but different orientations?" Shay inquired loudly as Dawson and Casey stood toe to toe.

"Given the gender breakdown in this room alone it stands to reason-"

"Yes. Yes and if two of your colleagues would like to volunteer to act them out I'd be happy to oblige"

Dawson did not expect there to be any takers and the tell-tale squeak of plastic chairs shifting, probably with discomfort, sounded out as Shay gave Dawson a speaking glance. Dawson smiled a little. She was fine. This was embarrassing but she'd be fine so long as-

"You look lovely today"

"Thank you" Shit. This was going to be painful.

"Have you been working out?"

Shay went to raise her hand and interrupt but Severide pulled her hand down. He was looking at Casey and Dawson intently. Severide knew they were close but had never actually sat down and watched how their interacted. His neck went hot. Casey had a little smile he was trying to hide and Dawson was looking more at the cards then Casey's face and her cheeks looked a little bright.

"Yes, I've started using weights at the gym"

"Well, it's doing your butt right" Casey remarked. Dawson glanced up and the two shared a look Severide didn't miss and behind him Hermann scoff laughed while Chief told him to shut up and Severide wasn't even listening anymore because Dawson's guard was down. She was leaning in and Casey was mirroring her and he could feel Shay's eyes looking at him for a reaction she wasn't going to get. He knew what he was up against. Dawson had a constant and persistent need for people to think well of her and the whole firehouse did, so she'd accomplished that feat. She was beloved because she could kick ass at a job, cook and swing that mean right hook while being so caring she'd become the bonus sister of half their shift. A feeling he would have shared last December. It felt like eons ago now.

That the feeling had expanded into, what the creeping heat up his neck suggested was desire and possessiveness so vehement he had to blank his face or the whole room would know… Well, he didn't have any explanation beyond the one word that came into his head as often as D did. She _fit_. It might look outlandish to everyone else but there it was and his heart was pounding while he breathed slowly through his nose and Shay kept looking and Dawson herself was standing toe to toe with someone else like they were reciting vows. His stomach soured. He was a low key guy. He didn't do drama, not intentionally. Dawson was stressed right now. Overwhelmed and still hurting because of Mills who he could hear groaning in the back. If Casey was what she really wanted maybe he should step back...

Just then, Dawson swung her face to the room and looked straight at Chief with wide hopeful eyes begging for the entire scene to be over. Chief shook his head no. Her whole face slumped comically. The room laughed and Severide relaxed into his own grin. Yeah no. He was never going to be a guy who gave up without a fight. He let the heat rise in his neck. Smirked as Dawson scowled and turned back to the cards. Casey was looking down at her with a slight smile. Conceding was so far from Kelly's mind, he couldn't even be mad at Casey. For all he knew, Dawson was fair game but she wasn't. He hoped like hell she wasn't.

Casey was laughing. The whole scene had been embarrassing but now he was off shift and drinking beer with Hermann at Molly's waiting for Otis and Dawson to show up. The final touches on the place were coming together and this would be one of their last meetings on any necessary structural changes that had to happen before opening night. Hermann had asked Casey's advice which had led to outright begging and bribery before the men posted up on stools with bottles of Bud. Hermann was a good guy with a joke and he'd been cracking several about the mandatory training to pass the time. Casey took the ribbing well. It wasn't like it was his fault they were being held in the first place.

"How you doing Casey? A lot of shit's been coming your way these last few months". It was a shift in topic that surprised the lieutenant as he took another sip of his beer. He knew his men cared about him. Casey didn't doubt their loyalty to Firehouse 51 and to him… until they decided to switch to Squad. He squashed that thought before it took root. He was happy on Truck and always had been. He didn't need more classwork to make him a good firefighter. This wasn't about his ego at all. Casey glanced over at the older man, aware that for all his schemes and shenanigans, Hermann saw a lot more than he let on. He was the only husband and father on their team anymore. The collective wisdom of his life experience was second only to Boden's. Time to be honest, he supposed.

"I really don't know anymore. A lot's changed with my mom being out and Hallie being gone." He swallowed against his suddenly dry throat. He hadn't lived alone in awhile and it was an adjustment. He was used to Hallie being there and then his mom, though she was crazy.

"Not to mention the mess with Voight" Hermann added.

"Yeah that…" Casey didn't like thinking about it. It had driven him to the edge of his sanity. Hallie left him she was so worn down by the drama of it all. He'd almost beat Voight with his irons. It was eerie how Boden had known him so well that he'd shown up and talked sense to him. Everything rational in him had fled under the very real threat of blackmail by a man who had access to so much information on the everyday citizens of Chicago. This is what the man had attempted to do to a fellow public servant. Everything in Casey's blood screamed at the injustice of it all still.

He couldn't pretend that he was logical when it came to Voight. It just wasn't possible. The animus that heated his blood every time the cop was mentioned, even now with only brotherly concern in Hermann's comment, was enough to send him reeling into an anxiety spiral of what ifs. _What if Antonio hadn't succeeded with the wire on Curtis? What if that bag of coke had been found in his house with Hallie?_ The shuddering impulse of fight or flight rode him hard. And he was built and trained for fight down to his marrow.

So he'd lashed out at Gabi and he deeply regretted it. All of it, the screaming match and his subsequent coldness but in that moment it had felt like the worst betrayal. Gabi was doing what Voight did to stay in power, trading on favours and information in a way that made everything that came afterwards seem so dirty. He still didn't know how to articulate all of this without exploding and it hurt. It hurt that she was holding him at arm's length, and that he didn't have the words to comfort her. Everything felt like it was out of his control and he resented it deeply.

Casey gave Hermann a small smile. "But things are looking up now."

Just then, Dawson walked in squabbling with Otis and Casey felt his face split in two with the magnitude of his amusement. Otis was still riding her about the workshop skit and he couldn't resist throwing more fuel on the fire.

"Well hey there pretty lady"

Dawson turned to glare at him. He had to believe that they would work it out. That he and Gabi could eventually fix what had broken between them. She was too important for him to think anything less was a possible outcome.

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 _Thank you for reading!_


	18. Chapter 18

**AN: I overedit. So before I cull all the things out of this chapter because I am that worried about it. Here you go. Hope everyone is having a good start to the weekend/weekend depending on where you are!**

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Summer in Chicago was sweet and brief and just beginning. Severide could feel it. Barbecue fires and illegal fireworks comprised much of the fire department's calls during the first eager weeks of the season and he was still on light duty. He stifled a groan. The last x-ray of his tibia had looked good, physical therapy was kicking his ass to his chagrin but he was seeing improvement. He privately thought his doctor was being far more cautious than necessary. Once he'd understood Severide's chosen profession, he'd proceeded to be as meticulous as possible in how each and every goal post in treatment was handled. He either cared too much or had been yelled at by some previous firefighter during treatment enough times to do his earnest best. Severide didn't care which it was as long as he got better and he was. He could walk for short periods in the boot without crutches or pain so his leg was getting stronger, more accustomed to bearing his full weight. His gait didn't hitch up on his weaker leg to self-protect it from pain and he was cleared to do more weight work on the leg press machine to get himself back into top shape. _Only within reason,_ the PT cautioned. Within reason was what you said to civilians with desk jobs in his honest opinion.

All in all, impatient as he was to be better, things were looking up. He wasn't using the prescription pills nearly as often as he could. He credited both Shay and Dawson with keeping him on track there. He'd successfully switched between the heavy duty drugs and a double dose of Advil liquigels on more than one occasion. He could handle a little pain, a little soreness as long as he was healing and it didn't impede his progress. He didn't want to be stagnating at a lower threshold of strength and capability. Severide was glad that being in the firehouse kept him sharp and showed him exactly what he was working towards. Campbell, God bless the man, was still serving as his relief on jobs despite being outed in order to save himself from attempted rape charges. People at Firehouse 51 were cool but the guy was getting flak from people he knew at other firehouses, according to Shay.

Severide didn't get it and didn't want to. The man had signed up to run into burning buildings for a living. Who he fucked was his own damn business. Speaking of which…

"Hey D," he was currently walking in the boot without crutches and he could count on Dawson to be-

"Oh my god Severide are you completely stupid?!"

the sort of paramedic who stopped what she was doing to lecture him and grip him, shoulder and forearm, to make sure he didn't fall for his own foolishness. She didn't even bother with the lecture this time. No one was around just then and so he let her guide him slowly and steadily back to the dispatch office which was this shift's current assignment. He figured she knew his game but didn't call him out because there was no point. He felt her sigh softly next to him and smiled. She wasn't really annoyed. Severide knew that. More than likely she enjoyed the excuse to touch him as much as he did.

"Where are your crutches Kelly?"

It was rare that she used his first name at the firehouse in an abundance of caution. He put his hand over hers on his forearm. "I'm allowed to walk short distances without them. I have to start somewhere Bri" he felt her startle at the nickname and didn't care. It was the quiet hours leading up to the end of shift and most everyone was trying to sleep a few hours. He could say what he wanted.

"Yeah but the firehouse probably isn't the best place to test your strength. Especially during the graveyard hours." She punctuated this declaration with a firm hold on his shoulder. He leaned into her just a little. Let her feel needed as much as she was wanted. Dawson was whispering for no reason so he pressed his lips to her ear:

"You know how I love a challenge,"

"I know you don't like to be bored, weak or relying on anyone else for help. So, what are you doing?"

"I miss being out there Bri. Holed up in dispatch isn't the same"

"It's temporary. And you asked for it!"

"The alternative was soap operas"

"And all the baseball you could want" she countered. They were outside the dispatch room door. He could hear the slight chatter, the hum of computers and a server. She kissed his cheek. "Don't push so hard Kelly. It'll happen."

"Are you talking about me or us?"

It was a quiet question. He didn't want to be joking and direct was always his approach to the things that mattered. Dawson was looking up at him without fear though. She brushed a hand through his hair. It was growing too long but he didn't care at the moment because she seemed to love it. Dawson kissed his other cheek, his nose and:

"Both," she said directly into his mouth. "Listen I-"

 _Firehouse 51. Ambulance 61. Hit and run. 115 Wabash._ She turned him towards the door before running off to collect Shay and the ambo without another word. Severide frowned. She was always running away.

Things were going well which was probably why, to Dawson's way of thinking, things went south just as quickly. She shouldn't have kissed Kelly back at the house. Shay still wasn't on board and she still had shit to figure out but all the same she was hopeful. Watching him hobble down the darkened hall just to greet her with his smile. It had lifted her spirits. Then she and Shay received another call and everything thereafter was hell. Just after 2 a.m. Ambulance 61 got called to a partial structural collapse at a waterfront property. Turned out it was a restaurant _on the water_ and soil erosion, global warming, pick an environmental factor and spin it sideways, the support beams on one side of the two storey building had begun to buckle unexpectedly. Dawson and Shay were first on scene. Protocol dictated they wait for either Truck or Squad to show up before they even attempted to enter the building. People were fleeing, screaming and Dawson radioed in for more ambos and set up preliminary triage.

Which was how she heard about Joseph, a dishwasher who was putting supplies away in a closet on the second floor when the building started to slide. The woman Dawson was treating for a superficial laceration was wracked with guilt. In a panic she'd fled without checking to see if he was behind her. She should have looked for him…

"Have you tried calling him?" Dawson asked calmly.

"Mary did. He said he was stuck. Please, Joseph has asthma"

Dawson and Shay looked at each other. Neither Truck nor Squad were on scene to provide the necessary support. The two paramedics were not field rated to attempt forcible ingress into a collapsed site as primaries. Not to mention Dawson was running point on triage but Shay was looking at her partner's face and seeing all sorts of flashing signs.

"Dawson," Shay said warningly but the cogs were already turning on their wheels in her partner's head. She'd done shit like this before when Boden wasn't around and Shay hoped she was wrong but Dawson was reaching for her radio:

"Dispatch. Ambulance 61. Do you copy?"

"Ambulance 61. Dispatch. Proceed." Dawson's eyes widened a little. _Shit. Kelly._ Kelly was running this job from the house. She cleared her throat loudly while Shay gave her a look. It didn't change a thing.

"Sitrep. Man pinned on second floor. ETA on Truck? Please advise."

The static over the connection crackled loudly. Dawson felt calm. Thinking through the possible scenarios, plotting a path into the building. Shay mouthed no, guiding another person to sit on the edge of the ambulance bumper. She knew the look on Dawson's face too well. It spelled trouble. It spelled field tracheotomy with a dull blade. Spelled disciplinary action. Another stint on suspension. Sometimes she was able to cut Dawson off at the pass and get her to see sense before she made the wrong call. This time though…

"Dispatch. Do you copy?"

"Ambulance 61. Dispatch. Truck still ten minutes out. Please hold" The last bit was just for her. She knew it. Ten minutes was ten too long. Restaurant looked like an open floor plan on the ground level, one staircase at the back leading upstairs probably. She had a helmet and her turncoat. She could be in and out. Give Truck and Squad vital information on stabilizing the structural damage. Get to Joseph and at least treat him on site while waiting for help to arrive. Dawson's face closed in. She spared a tight smile for Shay as she scrambled into the back of the ambo for her stuff.

"Dawson, if you think I'm going-"

"You're not. You're running point" the look of shock on Shay's face was almost worth the hair raising lecture she was bound to get from Boden. "Coordinate with PD, they're finally sealing the area off to civilians. See?" Dawson gestured behind them to the beat cops waving cars away from the turnoff onto Lakeshore Drive "Most of the injured have been treated. I don't see anyone who needs transpo to a hospital. The guy in the building definitely does. All you've gotta do is hold a command position site for Truck and Squad when they show up."

What struck Dawson sometimes is how calm she felt in the face of her heart-pounding reckless decisions. She wasn't rushing in. It was two a.m. on a Sunday morning. They were lucky the restaurant had closed for the night mostly when the collapse happened. They were unlucky that the nearest support team was still too far away because Saturday night traffic downtown and who knew what else. The building was already compromised and it would get worse for Joseph if she waited. She'd never forget the call where Kelly had waited with a man trapped under a beam, watched the man die slowly in front of him waiting for help to arrive. Rescue became recovery in minutes if not seconds. It was not worth contemplating. Dawson called through on the radio.

"Dispatch. Ambulance 61. Preliminary building recon to assess pinned victim" She didn't even make it a request because it wasn't one. Shay watched Dawson strap on her helmet and take out her BLS kit while the static cracked right over their radios. Dawson stepped down from the ambulance. She was taking what she could. The line opened on the radio.

"Negative Ambulance 61. I repeat. Negative. Hold until Truck 81 arrives to take point."

One small part of her thought it was terribly ironic that Kelly was the one cautioning patience and logic to her right then. Him of the fractured tibia and poor impulse control. She wasn't exactly smiling or stupid. So far there was no fire and while that held true she had a chance of retrieving the victim.

"Dispatch. Please hold." It was all she could say. She wasn't going to lie. Shay was staring right at her. Glaring really but knew there was no stopping her. Dawson gave her partner a tight smile. "I'll be right back you know."

"Boden is going to kill you"

"Boden knows when to make a tough call and live with it. I can't live with this. Switch the ambo radio to Channel 4. I'll call through that line so I don't distract Truck and Squad with chatter when they arrive"

Dawson grabbed a flashlight and started running across to the building before Shay could protest more. She switched channels on her radio as she came up on the side entrance. This side of the building was still intact and stable, she tried the door and it was still unlocked.

"Hey Shay, I'm entering the building from the west side entrance. Some of the lights in here are still going. Tell personnel to watch out for electrical wires."

Dawson shut the door behind her with a loud slap and paused. That had not been her intention. She wanted to move through the building quickly and gently. Without making the structure tip toward a speedier decline than it already was. Straight in front of her was a doorway that led to the main dining room area. Through it she could see the chairs tipped over, the one support beam cracked and listing to one side over what had once been a beautiful teak stained bar. To Dawson's right was the kitchen.

"Fire Department! Fire Department! Call Out!" No one did, and the creaking of the weakened architecture surrounded her, loud and busy with a thousand small and large failures. The building was quite literally on a slant towards the lakefront, like a boat taking on water. Dawson thought about that for a moment. She looked down at her feet and trailed her flashlight across the floorboards as far as she could see. They looked, damp, for lack of a better word. She swallowed quickly against her suddenly dry mouth and turned on her radio. "Shay please advise incoming personnel that the restaurant is slowly taking on water from below somehow. Have engine check into water main damage, pipes that pump groundwater to the lake, anything. I think we might have found the cause for the structural damage"

Shay responded but Dawson was already moving gingerly to her left, to the staircase she knew would be to the back of any two story building doubling as a restaurant. Mills had taught her that and she had the kit in one hand and her flashlight in the other. The stairs protested her weight. The very walls seemed to be moving, stretching and leaning over her with a sort of foreboding she understood. Her comm crackled.

"Dawson. Found out what the holdup was. Car accident, Truck stayed. Squad had to detour around. They should be coming up Lakeshore now." Well, that was perfect bad luck. Dawson breathed a small sound of relief when she made it to the top of the stairs in one piece. She looked around. Where was Joseph?

"Fire Department! Call out!" she yelled and Dawson stepped out onto the second floor with trepidation. At any moment the structure could decide to pitch forward further than she really wanted to go.

"Help!" Dawson turned towards the sound of that voice immediately. Carefully, she walked down the second floor hallway. She turned and debris cascaded from the ceiling right above where she'd just been standing. Dawson looked up. Exposed wooden beams, electrical wiring and HVAC tech were all moving and shaking wildly above her. She kept moving, nudging one office door open after another. On the second floor the lights were not working so she swung her flashlight in semi circles around her, left to right. Nothing.

"Call out! Joseph!"

"Here! Please" his voice cut out but Dawson ducked out of the office she was currently searching and walked further down the hall. She turned left into another room. One desk, file cabinets and there in the back, a young man on the floor pinned by a wooden beam, covering half his body.

"Shay. Found him. He's pinned by a support beam. What's the ETA?"

"Switch back to Channel 1. Squad's on site. So is Chief. They know about the water" Shay's voice was tight and urgent over the line. Dawson could hear it but she was too focused on the man in front of her. "How's the patient?" Shay asked.

Dawson leaned over the wooden beam. Joseph was prone, coughing, covered in dust and debris. His face looked pale and he was trembling with shock. She looked at the wooden beam. It was heavy. She could try to move it little by little off of him but… Dawson examined where the beam impinged on Joseph's legs. He was bleeding.

"Patient is in shock. He's having trouble breathing"

"Switch to Channel 1 Dawson, Now"

She did so immediately, the static rolling out into the eerily dark and creaking room. She asked Joseph what he was feeling while she checked his vitals. His pulse was thready and his breathing was strained and grasping.

"Dawson. Report."

"Chief. One man pinned in an upstairs office on the north side of the building." She said all this while pulling out O2 and a mask from her BLS kit. She slipped the mask over his face and attached it to the small O2 tank. It wouldn't last too long but it would help ease him in the interim. That crisis handled she looked down at his legs again. He was losing blood, not too quickly which suggested a major artery wasn't compromised. Or the beam was holding the damage at bay. She contemplated infection while she began to rig a tourniquet for the one leg she could reach. Joseph groaned in pain.

"Okay. Dawson, Capp and Tony are coming in. Sit tight."

Dawson went to respond but a sudden creak and thud had her scrambling to put her body between Joseph and more debris. She heard something give way above her head and muttered a curse. She waited ten long seconds and when the dust settled a little, Dawson peered up.

"Squad 3. Be aware. Passageway compromised" she coughed around the dust that blew up from her radio as she spoke.

"What happened Dawson?" Chief demanded briskly. Her flashlight wavered in the darkness, dust particles danced before the florescent light like small bugs.

"Roof support beam just caved into the hallway outside the room. It's blocking the door." Dawson blinked down at Joseph. His eyes looked dulled and his respiration was slowed but he was holding on. Dawson cleared her throat and looked away.

"We're trapped sir."

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 _Thanks for reading!_


	19. Chapter 19

**AN: Sorry I left you hanging? Meant to post last night but couldn't get online at all which was odd. I can't stress enough how much I appreciate that you enjoy and want to read this fic. I'm rapidly coming up on the idea of an ending with my beta because as much as I love this playground I won't torture these characters forever! So much drama oy! And so much still not known to all the relevant parties... Thank you for sticking with me. There are time jumps between paragraphs and I still haven't learned how to keep my original section formatting when i copy the chapter text over so I apologize if you are ever confused. Now on we go!  
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Kelly had officially lost the plot. Not that anyone in Dispatch would have noticed. He was directing Truck 81 to the scene on Lakeshore Drive. They'd successfully pulled three injured passengers from a sedan that had crashed into a building when it was rear-ended by a speeding out of control vehicle. Severide was listening and not listening to the radio chatter of the other dispatch officers around him. He was definitely not listening to Casey spin out, and Hermann grabbing the comm to ask him for updates on Dawson because of this. He was relieved that Chief had made it to the scene. Maybe he'd get some answers out of Dawson. She'd gone radio silent when she went rogue and he was still suppressing the screaming curse he wanted to spew when she'd said _please hold._

Please. Hold. He knew it was standard. He knew he'd said it to her only seconds before but holy shit could she be anymore of a smartmouth? He really wanted to move. To get up and walk but he could not leave while a job was active. Never mind that he wouldn't with people he cared about in danger. He was thankful for small favours. It wasn't a burning building. His girl knew her limits but the creeping sense of unease as he helped Truck navigate, it wouldn't go away. The radio came to life.

"Dispatch. Battalion Chief 25. Notify Lakeshore Hospital of two incoming trauma patients. Ambulance 33 and 12 en route"

"25 this is Dispatch. Status of patients".

He listened to Boden rattle off vital statistics aware in one small corner of his mind that neither person was Dawson. That Ambulance 61 was still on site, Shay quiet since Boden showed up. Waiting like he was, for Dawson to get out of the damn building.

Another call came in. And then another and he was still waiting for word from Boden or Shay or Casey even, that everything was going alright or if they needed additional assistance.

"Lieutenant Severide"

He looked up at the dispatcher. Shift was over. _No_. This couldn't be happening. Chief was still out there. Dawson was still in the damn building for all he knew. Severide swallowed against the dry mouth he suddenly had. "Sir, I'd like-"

"Go home. Give Charles your notes on what's happened at the scene. You're done."

He knew he was in no position to argue. He wasn't an actual dispatcher. He was relief like Campbell was his relief and Boden wasn't around to cut him some slack. Not that Chief ran the dispatch office but as he slowly got up and went through all the motions of explaining what was going on to his replacement, his unease, that sick pit deep in his stomach roiled hard. It wasn't going away.

And Severide changed out, watched how third watch was slowly streaking into the firehouse for their 24 hour shift. He worried. He wanted to go down to the scene and see what the hell was going on but that wouldn't help. He'd be an annoyance, a distraction from what Shay and Boden and the whole rest of the team needed to be doing just then. So he took a cab home, sat down on his couch with his radio scanner and tuned it to the frequency he needed to hear…

"Come on Joseph. Breathe with me!" Dawson choked out. She was covered in dust and coughing as she tried to keep Joseph awake, She didn't have the reach to get the AED on him if he crashed. His leg was still losing blood. He nodded weakly at her but it appeared more like he was trying to comfort her than affirm he would stay. He blinked his dark brown eyes slowly. Overhead a dead light fixture swung back and forth on its long cord as the entire building groaned and squeaked. Dawson held on to Joseph as best she could while she felt the floor shift further. She contemplated, again, shifting the wooden beam off his leg but without the means to stop an arterial bleed, without a means of egress. She glanced back at the large wooden beam that blocked the door. It didn't budge when she'd tried to move it earlier.

"Dawson? Dawson report."

"Still here Chief." She heard the audible sigh of relief over the comm and smiled reflexively. Boden was such a dad really. He took care of his people, worried for them and she had put him in an untenable position. She knew that. She could apologize for making his day more difficult but would never regret, trying to save Joseph. She'd found out he was twenty, that he worked full-time and went to school part-time so he could help his family. Dawson had asked him the names of each and every one of his five siblings and what they were like to keep him distracted but the pain was going to pull him under soon. She could see it. Epinephrine would stress his already overtaxed heart. The oxygen tank she'd given him was probably almost out and his grip on her hand when she went to hold it was weaker. The wheezing. Her heart pounded.

For all of that, and the very real possibility that she would soon be trapped in a sinking building with the body of a young sweet man who had so much to give. Dawson would never be sorry she'd entered the building. "Update?" she asked quietly, her face turned to Joseph's. He was shaking. Full body tremors. He was going cold and she pulled the flat packed emergency blanket from her kit and wrapped it around his shoulders. Tucked it around him as far as she could with him pressed into a corner. Her radio crackled.

"You were right. Water damage has corroded the bearings on key supports to the structure. Structural engineers need to work long-term on fixing whatever allowed this to happen in the first place"

She noticed he wasn't offering an exit strategy but didn't say anything. Boden being chatty was usually a bad sign, in any situation. He was a military man, prone to short blunt statements and deceptively simple emotive outbursts on occasion. He was telling her what he knew because he couldn't give her anything else. Boden was standing outside and feeling helpless and Dawson wasn't feeling much better herself as she watched Joseph's face for the pallor that would mean acute blood loss. She glanced down at her tourniquet. It still held but she tightened it all the same and when Joseph didn't even groan she knew it was bad. That he'd lost complete sensation in the limb or his nerves had stopped working and she wasn't a doctor yet or anything but his prognosis was not good. Neither was hers at the moment. She looked around the room for anything she could leverage under the beam. He was starting to gray out. Moving the beam couldn't possibly hurt him now and it looked like she was going to have to save them because Squad couldn't get up into where they were anyway. She remembered then, that she hadn't responded to Chief.

"What's the status on electrical with all this water around?" she'd be professional about this, about what she would say next. The walls around her protested the water they were taking on from below. She moved further away from Joseph to make sure he didn't overhear.

"Power's being dealt with. Standby"

 _Oh Chief_ Dawson thought sadly. This wasn't a good day. She got up. Walked away from the corner she'd been sitting in with Joseph. She'd tried pushing the beam that crossed the door again. It was large, thick. Something Casey would use on a construction job. It had fallen on a diagonal. There was a small triangular space at the top. Maybe if she squeezed… She opened the line on her radio.

"I think you should pull back Chief."

"Dawson! I-" She didn't need to hear him say anything. They both knew the protocols she'd broken by entering the building.. She glanced over at Joseph. His chest barely moving in the dim beam of her flashlight. It must be morning outside. The sun must be coming up but she was stuck in a dark room with a dying boy, his crushed leg and unable to be helpful. She turned her face to the blocked door, and touched her radio.

"You need to notify his mother. Rosemarie Vittorino." her voice was soft so Joseph couldn't hear. "They live at 34-15-"

"Dawson!" Chief cut her off and she wanted to cry but there wasn't time for that. Contrary to what happened on tv, buildings collapsed in slow motion. The building's decline into the Chicago lakefront would take hours Joseph didn't have. She looked at the small gap at the top of the door. Maybe she could fit. Use the desk to get close up. Take the helmet and turnout coat off, suck her stomach in, But she couldn't transport Joseph through the small hole. She couldn't move the beam off his leg by herself. She couldn't injure him more and she had no idea what the hallway looked like on the other side of the wooden beam. If there was even a floor to walk on.

"Chief. The power is still going. Water was already in the floorboards when I was coming in, I'm sure it's worse now. Pull back"

The silence that followed was awful. Dawson took two quick breaths and swallowed. Whatever she did next was her decision alone. She had to live with it. She had to be able to accept it. Her face set she walked back over to Joseph.

Behind her, the sun's rays had just started to fall on the wooden beam that trapped them.

Severide's hands shook. _No. Nonononono._ He heard it all and the bottom dropped out of his stomach. The sick roiling feeling took hold. He clenched a pillow to his face and screamed. Then he pulled out his phone and texted Shay. He moved to text Bri because she was in a building without help and why hadn't he thought to do so before?

Because the job came first. He reined it in. Pulled back on the anxiety and anguish because she wasn't dead yet and Bri wasn't made for weak. She was a survivor. That much he knew. The static over the scanner was horrible but she didn't sound defeated. She'd told Chief to pull back. To do the thing he should have already done but couldn't because she was in the building. She removed herself as a problem that needed solving. He waited. Chief still hadn't said a word. What would he do in the same situation? If she wasn't his girl. If she was just a hotshot subordinate running into danger headfirst. If he was Boden right now. The radio went live:

"Dawson. Capp is in full gear. Once we get the all clear"

Severide listened to Chief trail off. His phone beeped. A text from Shay. _We're waiting_. It was enough to make Severide smile a little. Chief could be stubborn too. Traffic must be backed up for miles on Lakeshore Drive. Sunday morning drives would be a tad difficult with an active building collapse. He was sure he could watch video coverage of it on the news at this point. He didn't want to. The last accident had been enough. He'd bought the scanner soon after because he preferred hearing what was happening from the people who were there than some news anchor shark looking for chum.

"Chief. This is now a recovery"

Severide's heart sank. Bri had lost her patient. She was going to beat herself up. She was still going to get reamed by Chief because it needed to be done. Whether she had saved the patient or not, it would have happened but now it would feel worse. Better to get yelled at and know some good had come out it. Better that, than knowing you'd walked alone into a building to watch a man die a mere twenty feet from help and safety. He sighed. It wasn't over yet. Bri was still stuck in that building and he was going to stick it out with her. Listen. Rein in all his impatience and fury because Severide didn't believe she would die in there. Not a chance. Not if she'd lasted this long and had the somewhat compromised clarity in judgement to tell Chief to pull back. No. Bri would make it out. She had to.

Dawson felt sick. Like she'd been put through a meat grinder at the deli her father loved when she was a kid and come out a pliable mass of something no one could stomach eating. It was well past midday before she was done with everything and everything occurred in static flashes. The incident report. Her efforts to save Joseph. Capp meeting her halfway between the submerged staircase and the second floor landing. Dawson swallowed as she drove her car home. She'd had to describe in minute detail, how she'd finally pulled herself out through the small gap at the top of the blocked door. How she'd left Joseph dead, eyes closed. How his hand clutched hers until the end because she waited. She wasn't going to leave until there was nothing more to do and even then… such a good bright kid. Dawson needed a shower and a large glass of red wine. Boden had said the lecture could keep until tomorrow. She was grateful. Casey and Mills had both coddled her within an inch of her sanity once she'd gotten out. Casey especially had held her so long she'd begun to feel uncomfortable in front of the crew. And Shay just gave her that look she got when she was right but she wasn't going to say it and then hugged her. They'd talk. She knew they would. Shay would give her a day or two to wallow first. To process. She couldn't even look at her phone she knew there'd be at least two dozen messages she couldn't respond to without crying. Dawson pulled up on the parking brake in her spot and got out slowly.

It was summer she realized. The air was hot even though she felt cold and the neighbourhood kids were running around. She threw up a hand to wave at one neighbour before shuffling down the sidewalk to her door. Her head was down, searching for her keys in her purse. She wondered which place to get takeout from...

"Bri"

She looked up. He was sitting on her steps without his jacket. His hands were clasped over his knees, his brow was furrowed and his lips were a flat line. She felt her heart leap and stutter. The day had already been too much for her and this man was going to put her through the wringer.

"How long have you been waiting?" she croaked.

"Please. Hold."

He punched the words out through tight lips and Dawson allowed herself one moment. Just one moment where she thought about falling into his arms and crying because she didn't want to argue. She looked around. The neighbours were out and he'd been waiting. This was how gossip could start. She skirted around him, up the steps to unlock her door. She didn't answer him just then. She couldn't. Dawson felt him step behind her. Felt his breath on the side of her neck as she walked in and he followed. She didn't look at him. Not as she locked the door, or put her keys on the side table or her go bag on the floor.

They stood in her small hallway. Dawson's eyes were on the wood laminate floor between them. His breath was rushing, the smell of him, her favourite, surrounded her. He reached out first because that's just the way they were. His crutch clattered to the floor, his hands enveloped her face, made her look up.

"Those were the last words you said to me"

"Kelly-"

"Shut up Bri. Just let me look at you" so she did. Dawson watched his face while his hands rifled through the crown of her head, down over her scalp through her hair looking for bumps. One hand grasped the back of her neck, while the fingers of his other hand traced her eyes, her nose, her lips, the tips of her ears. His hands roamed down her shoulders and her arms, til each of her hands was clasped in each of his and he scanned the rest of her body looking for any sign of injury. She wasn't going to show him the bruises. She wasn't going to flinch. She wasn't going to cry.

"You are never doing that again."

Dawson's temper flared. She was tired and sad and not in the mood for this.

"Yes I am. This is my job."

"No, it's not!"

"Yes it is-"

"You are NOT doing that again! Not without me!" He raised each of his hands to hold her face while Dawson was nonplussed. They weren't together anymore. Still, Severide was earnest and angry and they were standing in her hallway. She was tired and upset and she didn't need this. She pulled her face from his hands with a jerk.

"You're one to talk! You fell out a third storey window!"

"That wasn't a choice!"

"Did you throw a kid out that window and then yourself?" She pulled all the way back to lean against the wall with her arms folded while he struggled to respond. "Yeah, I thought so!"

She didn't need him questioning her choices. She was already doing that. Even though Dawson did not regret being there with Joseph til the end, it hurt. The whole day hurt and he was saying she was wrong and Dawson folded in on herself, hands clutching her elbows as Severide pressed in and she turned her head away and bit her lip. She didn't want to be fighting. She didn't want this.

"I'm sorry."

"What?!" Dawson turned to look at Kelly.

"I scared you. When I fell...I scared you. That's where we went wrong." Severide's hands brushed against her and again, he reached out. Both hands on her shoulders now. "Bri, I need you to listen to me. I will never tell you not to do your job. That is not what I am saying. Just-" She watched him pull away to lean back on the opposite wall and her heart twinged. She wanted to invite him to sit on the couch but she also didn't want the rest of her afternoon to devolve into a blame game of what she should and could have done. Dawson sighed. She moved into her living room to sit on her couch and studied him closely as he leaned on the doorjamb. Severide cast his hands wide and made a sound of exasperation.

"I don't care that we're on a break. I don't give a flying fuck what this is or isn't. You do not go where I can't follow! Period!"

Dawson's insides did a somersault. _Oh_.

"I heard it all Bri. I heard you tell Chief to pull back. I heard you call in the recovery and I know what it's like. Just.. You almost gave up didn't you? You were waiting to die."

His eyes were glassy, and his breath was heaving and Dawson was shaking her head _no_ but maybe it was _yes_ because it had seemed so hopeless. She'd left a boy dead and alone in a building to save herself and she hated it. Dawson watched him cross the room to sit next to her. She felt the hiccup in her chest, the burn of tears behind her eyes she did not want to shed.

"Kelly-"

"I swear to God woman you took five years off my life" Dawson sniffed as he continued "and your last words to me would have been _please hold_ like a goddamn telemarketer infomercial."

Dawson choked a laugh out at that. The fight was over. Kelly had needed to blow off steam and say his piece and it was up to her to figure out an answer. She thought back to that moment at the firehouse so many long hours before. She'd told him not to push but clearly he didn't know how to stop when he was on her front step with one crutch and yelling at her. What had she been about to say before the world got the best of her?

She reached out. Her left hand played with his hair while her right hand tried to hide her trembling lips.

"I really don't deserve you Kelly."

He snorted, pulled her into his lap and Dawson breathed in deeply as Severide's arms enfolded her. She felt him lean back against the couch arm, his legs stretched out in front of him, boot crossed over the opposite shinbone. He kissed her hair and she snuggled closer as the tears came, quiet and wet on her cheeks.

"Neither do I Bri, but I'm not leaving."

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 _thank you for reading!_


	20. Chapter 20

**AN: Hi. So... there is an extended sex scene in this chapter. It was either that or add in another section from the upcoming chapter early because it would feel like too short a filler chapter but that section made no sense timing wise to add to what is happening here and... I love these two showing the love they can't even articulate out loud yet? If you are not old enough to view this content, don't.  
**

 **The scene will be outlined with two horizontal lines. You can skip the more graphic text for the lead up and the outro and still get a sense of where these two are emotionally and physically in their connection. I just think these two characters are mad beautiful together and want to play with that. Sex is dirty... but I'm not trying to skeeve anyone out. For any of you who requested the edited out scenes of earlier chapters. This is similar and should not seem untoward.  
**

 **Also I'd like to say that at least TWO characters have said they've done what occurs here in the actual show. So, I'm just getting very descriptive with what canon says at least one of these characters would really do with a sex partner. Really descriptive.**

 **I'll pull if there are any complaints of course.  
**

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They fell into it at the deep end and let everything else go. That Sunday huddled in Kelly's arms opened a door in Dawson she couldn't close. He had held her for hours quietly, his hands moving up and down her back as she grieved. They had stayed like that, sprawled on her couch, occasionally kissing, the decision made without speaking. She'd terrified him and now he was holding on tighter than before. It was no longer a joke. Not that it ever was, but the jocular easygoing part of Kelly had taken a backburner to the man who showed up at every job: fierce, supremely focused and willing to take all comers. Dawson embraced it wholeheartedly. How could she not?

Just then, Kelly was demonstrating how solid his leg was, walking back and forth in her kitchen while she made lunch for them. He'd brought her a dry red wine and flowers. He'd wrapped her in a big hug at her door and said hello in the best way possible. It was enough. They were happy and simple together and she kept thinking she might love him. He'd grown his hair out just a little while working light duty. She had a favourite curl at his nape she liked to pull when she felt mischievous. It was peeking out right now and yes, she could love this man.

"So maybe the PT will clear you for good next session?" she asked lightly. Thinking of loving him and him being back on full duty made her both happy and fretful. She knew he felt ready. When she massaged his shinbone, he didn't flinch or grimace in pain. It was still tender sometimes at the break. Would be something he had to worry about and take care of for the rest of his career she warned.

"Yeah maybe. Or not, he's conscious of the fact that my job has me carrying 50 pounds of gear on average so he's hedging."

"But he'll clear you," she repeated softly, a smile on her face. Kelly anxious and flustered was so cute, so absolutely adorable. He talked with his hands, like he wanted to be holding a football or something so he wouldn't look stupid. And he was pacing in her kitchen without pain, she didn't even see a hitch in his gait that could impede him. She stopped what she was doing to step into his path and take his hands in hers.

"He hasn't said anything about not going back to full duty. He hasn't tried to lower your expectations." She'd gone to a PT session with him, curious as much as anything else, about how he was getting himself back up to full mobility. He'd scowled. He didn't want her to see him look weak and she'd reminded him that it was too late for any number of reasons. She simply did not care. Which got her the rare half smile that had nothing to do with charm and everything to do with the little boy he still was deep down. She was willing to bet he'd been a very sweet kid with him mom.

"Now! Come sit it's your favourite" Dawson smirked as she said this. She'd made enchiladas, incapable of not spoiling Kelly just this little bit after all the turmoil and back and forth. She was still working on some things. Dawson was trying not to put the dynamic she'd had with Mills and how she reacted to Casey on the situation with Kelly. All three men were so very very different in their appeal. She and Mills had bonded over cooking, his skills nearly rivaling hers. She'd leapt into him with a bottle of wine after a night of cooking. His talents far exceeded her expectations and his tender care allowed her to be feminine and wise as she took point during some of the rough patches of his candidacy on Truck 81. Casey was just beautiful and noble, and all the good things a man should be and she'd wanted to embrace his steadfast belief in the world. His goodness. All of her interactions with him were coloured by her eagerness to see the world as he did and be a part of it.

It was hardest to explain Kelly's appeal in anything but the most garbled of sentences though. She stared at him while he ate his food. Kelly was wild, charming. His appeal should have been straightforward. The blue eyes. His body. That irresistible air of cockiness. But it wasn't or she would have fallen in love with him years ago. And she was not saying she loved him. She just thought she maybe could. His appeal was his soft moments, the way his armor broke open for her and with her. The quiet way he'd nuzzle her neck and smile into her shoulder for no reason. He just felt comfortable enough to do so. She cocked her head and let a small smile play over her face as she sipped her wine.

How unlike that first morning they now were. They'd been polite at first. And she'd snarked, wanting them to get back into a familiar rhythm. No harm. No foul. And Kelly had just looked at her and dove in headfirst. _Literally_. How could any woman fight against that? Why would she even want to?

"Hey Bri"

"Yeah Kelly?" Dawson came out of her daydream with a start, those blue eyes piercing straight through her.

"The 4th of July cookout's coming up".

"Yeah… still need to figure out what I'm bringing-"

"Come with me."

Her heart stopped. She could tell he was serious. Had been serious about attempting this after the restaurant. They weren't telling Shay but they weren't hiding it either. Kelly stayed over and occasionally, he'd driven with her to shift because of the leg. To the firehouse crew it just looked like Dawson was helping Shay out with Kelly. No one questioned it. Around the firehouse she was permanently D to him. He'd brought her coffee and ruined her crossword puzzle and when Shay gave him or her a look, while Dawson inwardly quailed, Kelly would look right back and keep doing whatever they were doing just then. She was sure they'd had fights about it. She was sure that something was coming in terms of fallout. She and Shay had worked shifts and been slightly awkward again but she held her own. If Shay had asked, she would have said, _he was waiting on my front step after the worst shift I've had in awhile and he held me._ It was the sort of thing he did for Shay, Dawson knew.

"Are you sure?"

"I've been sure. I'm asking you." Dawson reached across the table for his hand. Something was wrong. She could totally believe that he wanted to show up together and rip the bandaid off. Let everyone know they were together. See how they took the shock but…

"You gonna tell me why then? Why not just hold hands and walk into next shift and be done?" Kelly sighed and tilted his head back on the chair with a shake.

"You really do see right through me. Don't you?"

"Not always. You surprise me quite often Sev" they both smiled around his obvious discomfort. She squeezed his hand and he squeezed right back. So many small little things had accumulated between them. Dawson bent forward to kiss their joined palms. She looked up at him patiently.

"It's Heather. She's bringing Andy's boys and I haven't seen them in forever cuz she blames me. I just-" He bent forward over the table and clasped their joined hands with his free one. He kissed across her knuckles, then lay his head across them. Dawson's body went treacle liquid slow at his supplication.

"Can you be in my corner? If she blows me off and I can't talk to Griffin..."

She nodded but he couldn't see it and her heart was too full for words. Kelly was trusting her. Showing her a weakness he had not said one word about until now. She kissed his hair. Cupped the side of his face and bent to his ear.

"Of course I will" and she would. She'd show up with the best damn dish and her biggest smile and shame the woman into talking to him. He still grieved for his friend and Heather was making it worse. "I am an excellent cutman. Ask my brother," and she bit his ear to heal the moment. To allow him a break from his own vulnerability. Kelly's head popped up.

"I wanna see you fight one day."

"Really?" Dawson's face broke wide open. She'd never hidden her boxing past but she'd never flaunted it either. Antonio still got flack from their mother about it sometimes even though it had been years now. She was proud to be able to hold her own. "Why don't I fight you?"

"I am _not_ taking swings at my girl"

The bar was open. _Molly's_ he read over the door and smiled. Severide was standing on his own two feet, had driven over in his own car and could feel the uneven pavement beneath him. He wanted to celebrate. He'd texted Shay because she was with Angie and her all caps joyous response had been great. He had yet to call Chief but he wasn't keeping it a secret. As soon as he walked into Molly's the whole firehouse would know in five minutes. Such was gossip in their world.

It was early afternoon on a Tuesday. It shouldn't be too crowded. He didn't know what he was waiting for really. He was pretty sure Hermann and D were manning the bar and if not them Zoya, Otis's Russian cousin that he'd met briefly and Cruz was in love with already. Well, not love but he didn't think Otis would appreciate what Cruz had in mind for the buxom blonde. Why was he stalling out? Things were back on track. Things were back to good and the sun was warm and the beer would be cold and somewhere between now and closing time he'd find Bri and curve her over a table and get back to basics. Remind her exactly what he knew how to do and how well he did it. She'd been taking care of him these last few months and he didn't want that to be how she thought he thought he should think of her…. Just thinking that in his head felt complicated. Bri helped everyone. Helped him before they got close and he'd never forgotten it. He wanted to do something just for her and didn't even know what that should look like and the one person he could ask was the one person who would balk at the question.

Shay had mellowed out on the Dawson commentary but she still wasn't sold and he'd given himself headaches trying to figure out why. She loved them both. They both loved her which was why she was the first one they'd told but something jumped a track and switched her focus when it came to anything about him and D caring for each other. Or just plain outright scared her about the two of them together. He didn't know and she wouldn't say and D was there, being in his corner. Still a little flighty and leaping before she thought to look and impulsive in what he thought were some of the best ways and it'd been a week since he last saw her and he was stalling. Why? He knew what he wanted. Especially after the terror of her in the building collapse. When they fought it was awful. She knew how to short circuit his temper in sixty seconds or less when she got defensive. He called her out on thinking she was unworthy of him every single time and it still confused him how that was her hangup. Did the woman not own a mirror? Did she think he thought he was flawless?

At some point, when they got really comfortable, they were going to need to talk about that. But right now he was stalling, and it was testing his tibia which was not hurting but why mess with a good thing and good news? He opened the door and walked in. Saw a couple first watch veterans and some cop friend of Antonio's. And there, placing a pitcher of beer on a table:

"Hey you!"

He watched D glance up with nostrils flared, ready to snap until her eyes found his and she did a quick scan of him and a grin broke out so fast on her face it was lightning. Absolute lightning to his veins. This was why he'd wanted to see her in person.

"You're finally done!" she crowed and was rushing across the bar to hug the daylights out of him. He laughed, rocked her back and forth in the hug while everyone watched. He kissed her hair briefly then stepped back.

"So do I pass muster D?"

"Eh," she said while brushing his chest briefly, then putting a hand on her hip to view him critically. "You'll do. Come, sit at the bar and talk to me". She led him by his elbow then, no longer cautious or gentle and it was curious how much she'd tempered herself to take care of his broken leg these last months. She was transitioning back into the brash, wisecracking smartmouth and he didn't want it. Not just the smartmouth, he wanted his girl. The one who'd jumped into his arms moments before. Not this quick -witted snark she displayed for the customers. He touched her hand on his elbow and watched her startle. The cookout couldn't come soon enough to his way of thinking.

"So! What'd he say?" She was wiping down a glass while pouring him a lager in another and nodding to the man asking for a top up at the other end of the bar at the same time. Multitasking looked good on her and he admired it for a minute before responding. She was all smiles, all barely restrained joy and excitement for him. Frankly it was a little contagious and he found a grin peeling his face back onto itself and didn't care.

He stayed all night. Ordered food to the bar and gave her dinner. The thoughtful smile he got for that gesture nearly killed him. All he could cook was steaks and stuff on the grill but D was happy when he bought her takeout. _Jesus_ he sucked at this and didn't want to. It was last call. Most of the stragglers were already gone and he'd started flipping barstools onto tabletops and clearing glasses to help. They didn't have a barback yet. Wouldn't trust anyone alone with D anyway and he locked the door on the last paying customer with a satisfying thud and turned around.

She was stacking glasses and stowing ice. Her hair was up in that high bun and he knew for a fact it was so long it reached the middle of her back now. They were both letting their hair go a little wild. He raked his hands through his. He walked up to her behind the bar, and he kissed the back of her neck until she shuddered, leaned back into his touch, rocking slow slow into him with a low hum in her voice of satisfaction. He spun her around to kiss her and she opened, her arms wrapped his neck as he hoisted her up, legs parting to circle his waist. They hadn't been together like this in _months_. Since maybe the first night, against her wall and all the needy noises he had to learn meant more. He carried her around to the side of the bartop. He pressed her up against it. Grinding into her best spot as she moaned. He laid her out on top of it and peeled her shorts and panties down while he sat on a barstool. Severide looked up at his girl's face. She was leaning up on her elbows watching him, breasts already heaving in her very tight tee shirt. His mouth went dry just looking at her. She was not shy. He let his hands roam up her thighs and hold them apart. He let his tongue do all the talking it wanted while she shook and mewled and her back went concave and she never said she couldn't because he made sure she did to the tune of fifteen minutes worth of aftershocks, his left hand on her stomach, holding her steady while he pulled his jeans down and off, eager and ready.

It's how he found the tattoo: his fingers trailing up her stomach under her shirt and the quiet hiss she couldn't hide. He stared right into her eyes and she blinked right back, still trembling, her eyes wide and gorgeous and he'd stripped her of the shirt and her bra. Took off his own shirt to be fair and looked down at the perfect little symbol between her perfect breasts.

"Why the ace of spades?" he didn't ask when. It was healing well. She must have done it right after his last shift on light duty before he took off for his last week of physical therapy. He traced one finger around the edges. The lines were clean for a sternum tat. Someone else had seen her breasts and he was trying really hard not to feel possessive because he really liked it. D shrugged. Her breasts moved with the gesture and her nips were pulled in tight from the AC and he was short of breath just looking at her splayed out like the feast he'd already made of her.

"It's a reminder. To be true to myself. To my heart. To call a spade a spade and take what comes." her voice was soft, almost uncertain and he jerked to attention just hearing it. Something had happened. He was betting on Shay but he couldn't be certain and no one else belonged in this moment with them. There would be no ghosts. They could talk later. He climbed on top the bar, on top of her, the medallion swinging from his neck between them. He kissed the ace and watched her lips tip up on one side as he leaned up to balance on his knees over her. He lined the backs of her thighs over the tops of his and crossed her calves over his waist onto his lower back. He smirked down at her as he thumbed over her clit and felt an answering pulse surge through him at her keening groan.

"You think I'd let you be anything less?" He peered down at Bri, as her hand encircled him, stroking in tandem with his motions on her clit, both their mouths open and a perfectly evil glint in her eyes.

" _Let me?_ What could you do?" Bri countered and he was lifting her onto him to stop talking and it was all slow grind and her hips moving like a damn ocean when she braced herself on the bar to move against him with a grunt and he was pulling the band from her hair so it all fell down around her

* * *

and feeling her come from the inside was always the best when it shuddered slow and long and light between their thighs. She could rock herself off for another hour and he'd just lay back and watch and he wanted to now because her thighs were shaking that badly and he felt pulled tight and in it for the long haul, his hands over her hipbones, pulling her taut but…. slowly, very slowly he lifted her up and turned her around on him when he felt her begin to cream in earnest

"KEL! LY!"

That. That was the sound he wanted from his girl. His name shouted in two parts while he pressed her into the bar, her hands gripping both sides for purchase his hands holding her thighs apart, as he took her from behind, knees alongside his own and him doing long quick slides in and out so he tapped that inner spot. The one that hitched her breath just so and made her say _moremoremore_. Made her lean up on her hands so he could see how her breasts swung with their movements and how could he not love it when instead of _more_ she said _go_ and swung her hair over one shoulder and looked right back at him and took one hand off the bar to rub over her clit and feel where he split her open and then cup him.

"You want me to beg Kelly? You want me to say how good it feels when you fill me up? You wanna know no one else has fucked me on my bar but you?" she taunted with a squeeze and he roared, jackhammering into her, pushing her shoulders so her breasts met the bar one hand in her hair, the other holding her devious little hand where it was as she squirmed and squealed and cried out, his jerking thrusts ending in them both squirting. He rubbed his fingers through their wetness and licked it off. He did it again and gave it to her, and she breathed happily all over his fingers, licking and swallowing. He did it a third time, rubbing over her clit, still inside her and started to move slowly back and forth. Back and forth. There. She started to flutter and rock and heave and gently, he pulled her up to his chest, one hand braced behind him on the bar, the other banded under her breasts. He nuzzled her neck and she murmured.

She was so slippery now, and their combined come was starting to slide down between them and he loved it. Loved how messy he made her. How good it felt to be with her like this. She sank down onto him as he squatted back on his knees, his tibia solid and Severide grinned. Yeah he was back. She was playing with her nipples and edging back and forth and he was watching her be so unabashed, neck thrown back, eyes closed and he kissed her hair while she whispered _justlikethatjustlikethatjustlike OH!_ And her eyes flew open and they locked gazes like they always did at least once a night when they were like this. He always felt like a god when it happened. Like he was held in worship. Like he was seen and wanted and known which would have felt stupid if it wasn't Bri. Kelly kissed her then. Pulled back to watch her tug her nips into tight chocolate circles and thrust up. She sighed happily and tucked her head under his chin. Let him take control of the ride, which he did with vigorous efficiency.

* * *

He had her bent over the bartop, then the stockroom, on the desk in the office, before hitting up the ladies room for a bathroom stall quickie because she'd gotten off to thinking about him in there already and she wanted a real memory. He was happy to oblige as she held onto the bathroom sink and they watched each other in the mirror, her breasts heaving high, nipples tight, the ace of spades bouncing in and out of view. A target he would definitely paint when it healed. He kissed behind her ear while she watched in the glass and gave her a real smile. The one he kept private because it made him look goofy and unhinged but he was getting off in his girl for maybe the sixth time in an hour and a half and he was really really happy to be back.

"There you are," she giggled. Bri was giggling from sex. Kelly smiled wider as his hands curled over hers on the sink and he kissed her cheek. Would wonders ever cease?

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::Hides::

 _Still with me? Reviews are great. Thank you as always for reading. Happy end of Monday everyone!_


	21. Chapter 21

**Hi! For those of you who are still with me on this story. Thank you. There are so many others on this site and you chose mine. I don't take that lightly. Especially as I am thoroughly messing with canon. Dawseride is my OTP at this point. And it will never happen. Hence this story and the others that are percolating in my brain.  
**

 **Below is the 4th of July cookout that Sev pleaded with Bri to attend together as a couple. Let's see what all they do with that...  
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Dawson was aware that she could be pushy. That sometimes her mouth got the best of her, especially if some stuck-up bitch took an attitude with her in the wrong moment. It used to be, in high school, she'd just slap a girl to the floor and wait for her to get up, to cry to the teacher about mean mean Gabriella and the teacher would turn up her nose, put her in detention, tell her to behave, be a good girl, call her mother. Then she'd tell her mother the truth, the girl had called her a wetback, a slut, any synonym for dirty and she knew the teacher would do nothing. Say words can't hurt you. Which was complete and utter bullshit. She'd figured that out when she was eight and all alone when Antonio transferred to middle school and she'd had to take care of herself during recess. Her mother would sigh, yell at her father to come take care of _his_ daughter and she'd tuned them both out. She'd watched Antonio shadowbox in his bedroom. Ready to take care of anyone who came at him and one day demanded he teach her how. Really, it was a wonder she'd stopped at slaps on the playground but no one had ever accused Dawson of stupidity. She knew the rules were different for boys.

So she'd cultivated a front, sweet and charming and perfectly amiable with a side of cut eye that kept the teenage boys drooling. More often than not she was angry behind her pasted smile. Scratch that, she was furious and way too honest and her front became a part of who she was, the sugar sweet snarky and perky exterior becoming not so much exterior as ancillary to the hot-blooded, Latina stereotype she hated to become when things popped off. Which they did regularly when you were one of three Hispanic kids in school. Which was why she was trying to stay calm, holding a hot dish in the midday sun while Heather proceeded to be cool and distant to Kelly.

She told herself several things to stay calm.

One. She was holding delicious food that all her firefighter friends would welcome… especially if Cruz was cooking.

Two. Dawson was wearing a light grey cotton dress in deference to the hot day, her hair pulled up in wavy curls because humidity, bright gold hoop earrings swinging from each ear. Point being. She looked damn cute. There was no need to get bloody.

Three. The children. The actual literal children as Kelly looked at the boys like they were priceless, swarming between Casey's and their mother's legs. Who turned to Casey for guidance.

Which brought her to the next problem with losing her temper. The utter look of contempt and disgust that was all over Casey's face. Again. He was trying to hide it. Trying to be polite and sweet to the Darden boys while looking between her and Kelly and not saying a damn thing to defend a fellow firefighter and oh my god if she had known the feud between these two was about shit neither of them could change and this _woman_ was the litmus test for all their interactions. No. Just no. They were better than this. All of them.

"Casey. Could you take this food to wherever it's being set up? Kelly and I got here awhile ago and I don't want it to get cold."

Her tone was pointed. Her choice of names making it clear who she stood with. Her heart pounded because _this was still Casey_ and she was so very very angry. So disappointed in the way he allowed Heather to treat Kelly like he hadn't loved Andy like the rest of them. Dawson put the glass dish in Casey's hands with orders not to break it. He gave her a speaking look. A wide-eyed glance that said: _are you fucking kidding me?!_ She wasn't of course, about any of it. The dish or Kelly and she wasn't going to react to his look but when Heather suggested he take the boys with him, she rolled her neck so fast there was a twinge that made her face flinch almost violently with rage.

"I really do think Griffin should _at least_ say hi to his godfather. Don't you Heather?"

Her voice was poison sweet. They all knew it and Kelly's hand on her lower back thanked her in ways she couldn't begin to quantify. She watched Casey glance at Kelly's hand, then back to her face. His lips tightened. Dawson swallowed. Heather stumbled to say anything that would get her what she wanted but Dawson sent Casey off without another word. She had at least that much clout with him still, then she turned to Griffin with a firm smile. He was a child but he was not a little kid and she wouldn't treat him like one.

"My name's Gabi. I was friends with your dad. I work with Casey and this big idiot over here" she placed a hand on Kelly's back to draw him closer. "One of you needs to say hi to the other." She didn't think she could sugarcoat the moment for these two. Griffin's hands were stuffed in his jeans' pockets and he was blinking upwards with a frown.

"Hi Uncle Kelly," Griffin's voice was quiet and sullen. He was no doubt smart enough to intuit his mother's distrust of Kelly and torn between loyalties. That was fine as long as Kelly got what he needed in Dawson's opinion.

"Hey Griffin. Hey Ben" She watched him ruffle the younger boy's hair gently and saw the shy smile the kid gave at not being ignored.

"Hi Uncle Kelly!" Ben said with more enthusiasm.

"Can I get a hug?"

Dawson's heart melted clear out of her chest when Kelly bent to pick up the younger boy and squeeze him so hard he laughed. Her eyes cut to Heather now that goal one was accomplished. She walked over while Kelly continued to chat with Ben, drawing Griffin slowly into the conversation. All three of their eyes turned to Dawson and Heather. Dawson smiled back. She didn't need to look directly at the woman to say her piece.

"I don't care what your beef is with Kelly. Stow it. He loved your husband. He loves your sons and if you think blaming him and not Casey makes sense allow me to explain the definition of hypocritical."

Oh damn. There she was being blunt instead of sweet and polite again. Oh well. She really really didn't like Heather for so many reasons, some of them personal. She was clearly using Casey as a substitute for her own husband, and if Dawson had been in a different place, if she was here at the cookout alone and not with Kelly, she admitted it. She would be jealous. Green with it. No wait, that was envy. Which also worked. But she wasn't and Kelly, sweet cocky Kelly looked so damn happy being a little kid with the kids of his childhood best friend she couldn't understand the distance. Kelly was many inappropriate things but always good to his friends. She knew he was loyal and would take care of Andy's kids in whatever way Heather needed if she asked. And she said as much, scathingly while the blonde woman watched her boys.

"I don't owe you a thing" Heather said and Dawson closed her eyes for a minute. She was not going to commit assault at the firehouse cookout. She just wasn't. Truck and Squad hadn't swarmed them yet but it would happen that much faster if she slapped Heather. What a horrible debut that would be for her and Kelly.

"You owe Andy more than insulting the one person who knew him better than you." _you bitch_ she said with her head still turned to the Darden boys and Kelly roughhousing on the grass. Kelly looked up and she gave him the tooth tipped grin that always looked a little manic when she was angry and about to hurt someone. Kelly scrambled to stand up with Ben still in his arms, his eyes glancing between her and Heather like a ping pong ball.

"We're fine Kelly. Why don't you keep playing with the boys? Go find Casey if you want." She hugged Heather to her with a wide open smile. "Me and Heather need to keep talking".

"No, we really don't, _Gabi_ " hissed Heather as she pulled away from Dawson's grasp.

There was a sneer in Heather's voice that put Dawson on notice. The sound of her childhood calling back through all the years to tell her she was still a wetback, a slut, dirty. She didn't listen. Mostly. Her eyes were still focused on Kelly who was half looking at her but playing with Ben. It was enough to make her keep pushing.

"You will give that man more than five minutes with your sons".

"Or what? They're _my_ kids. I get to decide who they interact with. Kelly's the reason my husband is dead. They don't need to know him."

Dawson didn't argue the first point because she couldn't. It was obvious and tired. Heather was raising her voice and other people were looking. Dawson didn't much notice as the flush of anger, began rising up the back of her neck like heat. Of all the absurd and asinine accusations Heather could have used as a legitimate excuse, it was hearing her blame Kelly out loud that sent Dawson skyrocketing out of her slow seething rage.

"Are you out of your _fucking min_ \- "

Later, Dawson relaxed into Kelly's side as he kissed her hair and murmured thank you yet again. She was sipping beer from a solo cup trying not to smile too much. He kept taking it back until finally she let him have it so he could do something with his hands besides hold her. So far Heather was the only bit of drama in today's excursion. So far. Dawson's thoughts went dark for a minute. She'd called Dawson a _nosy firehouse whore_ who should mind her own business and Kelly had run over just in time to rescue the smaller woman from a slap heard around the world by hugging and tossing Dawson over his shoulder. She'd shrieked with indignation. She'd glared at Heather and yelled at Kelly about his leg, and he responded by resting his hand on her butt while she leaned into the smell of him. Like it was old times. Old times being that first night, and how delicate he'd made her feel, carrying her without getting winded.

Kelly had carried her like that all the way over to where Truck and Squad were sitting on some picnic benches. Otis had taken one look at her and Kelly and his eyes had gone so wide it was hilarious. Hermann coughed his beer up. Cruz slapped his back until Hermann cuffed him. Kelly had tossed her right side up, assured her no one had looked up her dress, and kissed her senseless before tucking Dawson into his side with a grin for everyone. Jaws dropped and several mouths stayed open catching flies. _Any questions?_ he'd said, the smug asshole but she couldn't be too mad. He'd saved her from the indignity of a catfight when they both knew she could throw a punch. The man was fast. How'd he run over so quickly?

Hermann had pulled her aside to assure her Truck would deal with the Squad lieutenant if he ever hurt her and Mills… Mills gave his nervous smile but seemed to take it in stride and began a conversation with Kelly about rescue tactics that she assumed meant the two of them were good. The men of Firehouse 51 seemed to take their relationship in stride and Dawson was grateful. They were all such good men. Such great people to work with and awesome friends. Casey though…

She kept scanning the park for him but couldn't see him and assumed Heather had found him and told her side of their brief and lame altercation. It made her nervous on one level. The level where she cared about Casey's opinion and wanted him to understand her point of view, just like in high school when she wanted the teacher to take her side but never did.

Kelly never strayed far from her side. She was currently fixing their plates so they could sit down and eat somewhere and he was chatting with Mouch across the table from her. Explaining something about his PT's office and maybe Mouch should go for his back. Mouch was nodding but also looking between the two of them like they were a puzzle he couldn't figure out. She wanted to tell him good luck, and to give her the answer if he ever found it. Most days she was still astounded by where she'd ended up but too happy besides. She knew Kelly was sticking close because she was the anxious one of their duo. Heather had already called her a firehouse whore fucking a manwhore and she didn't doubt others would think the same. She wanted Kelly's armor along with her own and he gave it willingly, almost absentmindedly. Reaching for her when she walked too far away. His hand in hers, giving the quiet reassuring squeeze that had become their Morse code.

When Shay finally showed up she did a double-take that Dawson ignored in favour of smiling at the girl beside her who could only be Angie. With her was Lieutenant Campbell and another young man who looked nervous as hell. Dawson smiled wider. It was just like Shay to help Campbell out and she offered the plates of food she's just made to each man as her warm greeting before they wandered off to a picnic table. Dawson said hi to Angie and finally to Shay, picking up two new plates because one glance had told her Kelly was not pleased to miss out on her cooking and she had to stifle a laugh at his face.

"Where's Casey?" Shay asked.

"Off with Heather and the Darden boys I think. How'd you get Campbell to show?"

Dawson gave Shay a quick glance before turning back to the food and piling Kelly's plate high with her rice and some ribs and she knew he had to eat something green but…

"I told him it didn't matter to 51. He helped us out. I think officially he's being moved to arson investigation and a desk job now but it still sucks. He didn't want to leave fire suppression"

"They never do," Dawson countered. That would have been Kelly if his leg had healed badly. The brass would have given him something cushy and easy because he was Benny Severide's kid and so smart. Speaking of which,

"Benny never came to visit Kelly, did he?"

It was an abrupt change in topic but Shay had opened the conversation with Casey and Dawson was all about discussing things on her own terms at the moment. She brought up Kelly because that's who Shay was really worried about and she worried too. He had said nothing about his father and knew that both his absence and presence chafed Kelly. But when your son falls three storeys, has a protracted injury recovery and finally makes it back on shift. You should probably do more than call.

"No. He didn't. Dawson…"

"We seriously don't need to rehash that last conversation".

The one that had hurt. The one where Shay had warned her about Kelly and his ways like she hadn't been telling Dawson stories for years and did she want to destroy the possibility of Casey by dallying openly with Severide. It had made her face burn. It had made her think about how she'd always been on the backburner with Casey until recently in their friendship. How Shay was implying that Kelly was the same thing for her. A backburner fling until Casey got his shit together. She'd wrestled with that logic early on in her, what did you call this, _situation_ with Kelly. How he was completely aware of her attraction to Casey. How she might have unconsciously compared them to each other at first. It was so easy to see just him now. See how his cockiness was a front because of all the comparisons people made between the lieutenants. How he played off Casey's straight man schtick if you used Otis' comedy language and how, on some level, he figured all he was really good for was amazing sex. She had cleaned the bar within an inch of its historic Chicago life after their escapades on each and every surface. His new spot when she worked a bar shift was always down by _that_ _side_ of the bartop, his fingers tracing patterns in the condensation from his beer on the dark wood. He'd look at her while he did it and she'd remember everything and want to take five minutes alone in the stockroom but couldn't.

"D?"

Shit, she'd been daydreaming again. Dawson was doing that a lot more lately and she gave Kelly a smile with the plate she'd been holding dumbly in one hand. He kissed her forehead.

"Are we ever gonna eat? Come on"

They both turned to Shay who eventually bobbed her head and the four of them acted like it was their first double date, Angie meeting Dawson while they ate and watched their colleagues tear around the park with the kids. Dawson liked Angie immediately and watched Shay perk up with every joking question she asked the brunette about art. Then Truck and Squad came ambling over to the table to meet the new girl and suss her out. Hermann teased Shay relentlessly for not bringing Angie around before. Dawson laughed at that and glanced up at Kelly. He wrapped one arm around her waist to rest quietly on her hip and tuck her gently into his side as Otis sat down to explain the relative merits of graphic novels as art. Capp threw pretzels at him to make him stop.

They didn't get one call. They stayed til it got dark and watched the fireworks stream over Lake Michigan with loud cheers and hugs. For just one brief moment, everything was perfect. Everyone was alright and Dawson stood in front of Kelly while he hugged her from behind, her arms crisscrossed over his own around her waist. His chin was tucked into her neck and she fell back into him while he murmured all the naughty things he was going to do to her in his bed that night. His bed. Where she'd never slept. He really was done with catering to Shay's concerns. To anyone's. Dawson giggle sighed as Kelly bit her ear and she turned her head. Casey was staring right at her. She held his gaze while Kelly made her shudder, felt herself begin to flush and go damp with what he was saying. She couldn't hide from this anymore. She didn't even want to. She stared right back until he looked away.

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 _Thank you for reading! This is quite literally the quiet before the storm..._


	22. Chapter 22

**AN: SO. The beginning of the Casey fallout is nigh. Apologies in advance to Casey fans. The next couple chapters are going to read a little like Casey when he was pissed off at Dawson about Voight. I hope. That was my intent...  
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 **Anyway, please enjoy and thank you as always for reading!**

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Summer was rolling by fast. Severide went back on shift without any issues… Well without issues because of his leg. There was a growing pit of ice between him and Casey where their bickering used to be hot, indignant and impulsive. One day, walking into shift with Bri and seeing her off to the ambulance on a medical call had caused a stiff sound of disgust to leave the other lieutenant's lips before he stalked off to the officers' quarters. Another, it was the stiff shake of the newspaper as they shared a bowl of cereal and talked about their schedule after shift was over. Shay remarked later that she'd never even seen Casey pick up the paper before and Severide had just looked at her. How was that statement at all helpful?

Boden was oblivious; told Severide to speak up if there was ever any pain with a slap on his back before walking into his office, damn near whistling. Connie actually smiled at Severide like he did something right. His boss was happy regardless of all the mischief he sometimes caused. It was weird and not weird because he'd been around the firehouse doing light duty. It was probably weird because Bri was stonewalling him at work so much it sucked. Since he announced they were together to the whole crew both Truck and Squad had tried to catch him and Bri sneaking off to have sex. They'd placed bets on where in the firehouse and when. Such was the humour his relationship inspired. _Fuck, am I calling it that?_ He wasn't a saint. Severide had definitely had some girls in some interesting positions around the house. He'd rechristened a couple of those spaces with Bri while she mocked him with her foul mouth for his very dirty ways… But that was before everyone found out and now it was a no. At least until the heat died down and no one made money off of their affection.

And she was affectionate. They didn't do cute. At least, he didn't think they did. But she brought him coffee and ruffled his hair during the early morning hours in the break room. He continued to put Hershey kisses in her locker because he could and she kept demanding to know how he even did that when she'd never given him the combination. Severide kept his trade secrets. Right then she was asleep with her head in his lap while he watched late night TV. She'd had a tough call earlier with a heart attack victim and his weeping hysterical wife. He'd died and it was still too close to Joseph's demise in the building collapse for Bri to feel centered. They'd talked about it briefly when she'd shuffled in from the hospital and when she'd begun yawning, he'd maneuvered her down onto his thighs to keep talking while he played with her hair. She still hadn't cut it. Everyone else milled around them. Just another shift at the firehouse as the evening wore on and the crew stumbled off one by one to their cots until he and Bri were alone with Pouch on the floor beside his feet.

"Hey"

Severide tensed as Casey sat down in the armchair across from him. He was peering down at Bri in that way that make his neck heat up and he'd known a reckoning was coming but he'd be damned if Bri woke up in the middle of it. Severide brushed the hair back behind Bri's ear before resting his hand low on her back. Pouch whined for a scratch and Casey obliged.

"Hey Casey"

They stared at each other for a minute. Severide figured Casey wanted to talk so he'd wait him out. Be polite. Do nothing to jeopardize what flowed easy and warm between him and Bri. She still cared for Casey there was no pussyfooting around that even if they never ever talked about it. He and Casey had been friends before everything with Andy and Heather. Some day he hoped they could get back to that but Andy's death was still raw and the temporary truce of his fall had given way to this tense scrutiny Severide couldn't control for. If he was possessive of Bri after seven months, he couldn't imagine what Casey was thinking.

"You think she'd be with you if I hadn't backed off?"

Well, that was an opening salvo. Severide leaned back into the couch, his hand quiet on Bri's back while Casey continued to talk. "We both know you're gonna hurt her. Just like you hurt everyone else around you. What are you doing? Using her to get back at me? I told you I never slept with Heather!"

"If you think I'm using her to hurt you that's fine. But Dawson is not stupid. She can make up her own mind"

"And you two sneaking around while I took care of Andy's kids says what exactly?" Casey scoffed and Severide watched him laugh derisively but didn't answer. "Dawson's impulsive. She doesn't think. Doesn't look before she leaps. I bet you guys started the way she and Mills did. Am I right?"

Severide again said nothing. They hadn't said much to anyone about the way they'd started up, not even Shay. He didn't appreciate the comparison to Mills. Whatever else he and Bri were, it was not that. He'd made a choice that first morning. He'd jumped where Bri had been careful and determined to walk. He'd pulled them both to her kitchen floor and there had never been any regrets for that on his part. He wasn't telling anyone anything about his girl. He knew the sort of things they were assuming and he and Bri still needed to discuss her Heather confrontation. Preferably when she could string three sentences together about the woman without cursing. His girl was mad as hell on his behalf. He didn't really have words for the way that made him feel. He could fight his own battles and he usually picked his own fights. Severide looked down at her face, mouth slightly open and kinda wet with drool. He smiled and didn't even glance at Casey as he thumbed it off her lip. Bri really was this thing that had hooked into him and wouldn't let go. Which was weird since he kept pushing while she froze. Her big heart was her weakness but it was so very very fierce. He couldn't help admiring her for it.

"Even if we did. It doesn't matter now. She made a choice. We made one. Together."

Severide was willing to bet that was what was stuck in Casey's craw right now. That he had made the decision to wait for Dawson and ended up waiting too long. That he had done the so-called right and noble thing while Severide was allergic to anything like control with his girl. That night in her bar sprung into his mind... Jesus he needed that night tenfold and forever. He wasn't trying to torture Casey. Far from it. Right then, with Bri curled into him and quiet, Severide didn't want to be fighting with Casey. Life was too damn short. He didn't say it to himself very often but he could have died in that fall. Bri could have died in that building. They were all one very bad job from death. Andy had taught him that.

"Look at what happened with Renee. You think that sort of shit just happens? You'll screw it up. You always have"

 _And I'll be the one to fix her when you do_. Severide could hear this in Casey's voice. Considering everything he'd told Bri from the very beginning, Severide couldn't help up but silently agree with Casey on that. He was pretty sure he'd told Bri that he was guaranteed to screw up. What he'd never told anyone, not even Shay was that it felt like it was his fault his fiancee cheated on him so very very badly. Like he didn't see her at all. Didn't know her: a girl he'd known forever. He wasn't lying to her brother when he said he hadn't moved on. For awhile there, he didn't. She was the one. People could call him a manwhore all they wanted. He didn't cheat. That was the one part of his dad's MO he couldn't do. He didn't answer Casey. He refused to give the other lieutenant anymore ammunition against him. Their history had given him enough. Severide just looked down at Bri, sleeping quietly on his lap and felt happy he could have her for the little while he would. He was well acquainted with how quickly such good things shattered.

Dawson was standing at the bathroom mirror at Molly's braiding her long hair down her back for her shift and locked in a very good memory. He wasn't Severide to her anymore. He'd probably never be Lieutenant Severide again. He was Kelly, sometimes Sev. When he had her so tied in knots she spoke Spanish he was _Kelly cariño_ not that he knew what it meant. And she was bent over the same bathroom sink he'd had her on. Naked and so raw they could have peeled the paint off the walls with their fever. She was gone. So utterly gone on the man who was probably sitting at what had become his spot at her bar, nursing a beer and waiting for her. He was always waiting and Dawson knew she was going to spend the entire shift permanently turned on. Already she was breathing hard. Forget the firehouse bets, they'd christened her bar. There wasn't a room in the whole building she didn't know intimately. There wasn't a chance in hell it wasn't going to happen again some night soon. Dawson looked at herself in the mirror. Really looked. This was what he did to her without doing a damn thing at all. Her cheeks were flushed, her breasts pebbled in her bra and the white tee shirt hiding nothing. She snuck a hand into her jeans shorts. She'd never get through a whole shift without a little relief now.

It was a Friday bar scene and rowdy. Hermann was behind the bar with her and the crowd was drinking hard, watching the game while she bounced back forth behind the bartop with Kelly's eyes always on her. He was quiet today but then again she was busy and Antonio was watching her too. For the first time in forever she hadn't told him about a guy, about Kelly. He'd heard it through gossip and he knew enough of Sev's reputation to be big brother worried. He was sitting at the other end of the bartop from Kelly and she had to smile at how her two guys refused to speak to each other just yet. They'd collaborated on cases over the years. They knew each other and suddenly now they couldn't share a drink and chat.

"You're not getting details _tonto_ " she teased, smacking Antonio with a towel across one shoulder.

"I don't need them. Ay just look at you"

Dawson froze. Did she look that turned on? She thought she'd done a passable job in the bathroom but her fingers weren't Kelly's by a very large margin.

"You're happy _hermaña_. You're fucking glowing. As long as he treats you right, we're good. Just not right now. He looks like he wants to eat you and I'm your brother. That shit ain't right".

Just hearing her brother say those words made her want to shiver. Instead she laughed loud and long. Several eyes turned to her as she did so. Dawson was unaware of just how beautiful she looked just then, of the smiles that curled upward on drunk faces because of her joy. She didn't look at Kelly after that. Her colour was high. She smiled wide at the latest group of frat boys in front of her as she poured their pints. Teased a little. College kids slumming it. They weren't regulars but tips were tips.

"What's your name sweetheart?" Dawson resisted the urge to roll her eyes at paying customers.

"Gabi, what you having college boy?" she had her hand on one hip, already rocking attitude.

"Stella for me. IPA for my boys here" She watched him lean in and stood very very still. Aware that she had two, no three overprotective men who would ride to the rescue if she called. Not that she would. She really missed using her right hook and all.

"I'm Jake. You gotta man Gabi?" she told him yes while she filled his order. Didn't point Kelly out because she knew she could handle it. Was polite and sweet and not at all sarcastic but then the man reached over the bar to grab her wrist. _Hey now!_ She tried to pull loose but he twisted his grip tighter. She flinched.

"From where I'm sitting he ain't doing you right" and the long scan he gave up and down her body made Dawson go cold with anger. She didn't want a scene. She didn't want to lose customers but- she snatched her wrist from his hand and bent four fingers backward as Kelly shoved Jake's head into the bartop and Antonio pulled his badge before anyone else got too out of hand.

"No one touches the barkeep! Alright?!"

That was Hermann's voice but Dawson wasn't looking. She was holding Jake's fingers back as he yelped. She was staring straight up at Kelly who held the jackass down on the bartop with a forearm across his neck while Antonio cleared a semicircle around them. Told his friends to sit down with their drinks and watch the game unless they wanted to give statements at the station. Patted Kelly on the back to let the prick up but she refused to give back his fingers. Kelly and Dawson stared at each other. There were bruises forming around her wrist and it throbbed. _Asshole_. Then Antonio gave her the look. The one that said, _we'll take care of it now_ and she knew they would but she wouldn't back down like a weakling into the bargain. That would never be her.

"Just get the money for the beer and we're good" she snapped, finally tossing her assailant's hand back before she tucked her wrist into the ice chute where they kept the bottled beer. Dawson glanced at Hermann. Gave him a smile. Nearly missed Antonio slapping Kelly on the back but overheard, _you show up like that every time and we're solid_. Oh crap. They were bonding over protecting her. Wonderful.

"Gabi, grab some ice and check that wrist out in the back. Take your brawler with you." She knew Hermann was right but didn't want to leave him with the crowd. Dawson protested but he said he'd call Otis if her wrist was so bad she couldn't serve drinks in thirty minutes.

Which was how she found herself sitting on the desk in the office with Kelly on the chair in front of her, running ice blocks wrapped in a towel back and forth on her wrist. Her right wrist. And it hurt and she was going to be slow moving the rest of the night to be sure. She frowned.

"I do good by you. Right?"

Dawson blinked out of her self recrimination to find Kelly's eyes no longer on her wrist. He was staring right through her, his eyes bluer than she'd ever seen them in the dim light of the office. Her stomach lurched. Something was very wrong and it wasn't her wrist.

"Of course you do Kelly. What's the matter?"

He was absently running ice back and forth along her bruises and his face had closed in on his thoughts like a vise. "Kelly, what's going through that head of yours?" Dawson stroked his cheek with her non injured hand, felt the slight tremor going through him and became more alarmed by the minute.

"Kelly, you gotta use your words. I'm not a mindreader. Remember?" She was banking on him remembering that fight in her bed so many months ago when he'd been a dick assuming things without telling her first. Worrying about making her life more difficult than it was which he didn't. That was all on her. How she worried after everyone's thoughts. About her reputation. It didn't matter. She was good at her job. She gave it her all. If anyone thought less of her for her current choices they could deal. She was learning to do the same because of him.

"It's nothing"

"It's not nothing" she whispered. "Talk to me baby"

His eyes widened. Baby was his thing for her. Dawson didn't deal in sweet names but she could be soft for him. She could let him in close. Had already done so. He'd opened the door by telling her not to go where he couldn't follow. Dawson wanted to tell him the exact same thing. For a man of few words what he said always flummoxed her. "Okay fine! Don't talk. Just listen."

Dawson's heart was in her throat. She'd started this shift thinking she was so gone on this man she had to get herself off to cope with seeing him and not touching him for hours. But it was more than that. So much more. And he was taking care of her so sweetly. He was being vulnerable. Again. Asking her for something but pulling back when she pursued it. Like he couldn't articulate exactly what he wanted from her. If she let it, that old creeping anxiety to fix everything and be perfect would surface. He'd taught her better. Kelly let her be her whole messy self without question but something wasn't sitting well with him. She didn't know what and she wouldn't guess. She'd wait for him to tell her now or argue it out of him later.

"You do right by me and I'm not talking about the sex. You're good at it. Really good"

Dawson was hoping that the compliment would get her at least a small smile but it didn't. The one long crease in Kelly's forehead deepened into shadow under the bright office light. Dawson found herself scrambling to console him for an upset she had no clue into understanding.

"We are more than sex Kelly. Have been for awhile now. I thought you realized but-" Dawson swallowed. "I have never been with anyone so fiercely alive as you. I have never ever had my life turned so upside down while being so right side up at the exact same time. Kelly… I need you."

 _Do you need me?_ She wondered. Dawson could have said more. Wanted to because that tricky knot under her breastbone that was Kelly... she didn't want to work it out. Loved the way it felt to be half bewildered half utterly impressed by the man sitting before her. Dawson was scared she was already in love with him. That she could be. Kelly had been all in from the get-go which had startled and in her deepest heart, pleased her. Kelly's undivided attention was precious. Being rated worthy of it still shocked her sometimes.

She took the ice out of his hands, put his hands on her cheeks and allowed him to stare quietly through her. They did this for several minutes in silence. It was unnerving, but they were both so shit at words at times. His fingers were cool from the ice and he looked so damn solemn Dawson was scared and her heart sped up and at last she couldn't shut up.

"I see you Kelly. You're beautiful and stubborn and so damn loyal and I'm right here. Where are you?"

Kelly sighed. Closed his eyes. Leaned his forehead against hers.

"Can I take you home? Can I please just take you home tonight? I don't want you here."

It wasn't an answer and Dawson wanted to scream and cry. She wanted to know why and what she'd done wrong. They were right where they wanted to be. Everyone knew. He wasn't a secret she had to keep anymore. She could hold his hand and kiss him whenever she wanted and just fucking be. Finally. But something was wrong. She needed him so she nodded and she didn't ask where was home. Dawson let him tell Hermann she was leaving. Let him tuck her into the passenger seat of his car. Let him drive them back to his place up his stairs into his loft. And she let him peel three more layers off her heart while treating her like porcelain, like finespun glass, wrapping her wrist and kissing her palms. Then he fucked her like he was a dying man and all she could do was hold on.

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 _I'm gonna be honest and say it gets worse before it gets better... Thank you for reading!_


	23. Chapter 23

**AN: Blame the holiday weekend for the frequent posting. I got bored and finished up editing more that I thought I would. But there will be a slow down in updates after this post. I won't really have time for the next couple weeks as the holiday season makes everything at work into a crisis mode event. So, thank you for your patience and your comments and your pleasure in reading this story. I cannot, truly cannot believe my ADHD, never finish anything self has gotten more than 50,000 words into this idea. Dawseride man... I really love writing them together. Anyway.**

 **Onward!**

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What the **fuck** happened?

Shay was at her wits end with Kelly and Dawson. Neither would tell her what was wrong. That was her fault. She'd spent so long railing against their relationship that the first sign of trouble had their walls slamming down. _Everything was fine. Why was she even asking? How was Angie doing?_ So much deflection that she was too damn scared to yell and make them retreat further away. These two were usually so upfront. They'd bitch and complain to her about everything. It was part of why she was so against them together. She didn't want to pick a side, would have had to pick a side and that side was always going to be Kelly's. Except Dawson looked close to exploding more often than not. Or just plain damn bewildered when she looked at Kelly. The bruised wrist clearly did not help. And Kelly looked like he wanted to rip someone's head off or just plain sick. Such a fucking grouch, but _they_ weren't fighting. Shay could tell that much. She watched Dawson reach out and Kelly smile weakly and whatever had pulled them to a screeching halt was destroying them both as well.

They loved each other. She saw it. Was absolutely floored by it. Figured they both had their heads up their asses about it and she was sooooo not going to help with the extraction. Not her job. Nope but if this continued it was going to be a fight. A bad one. She wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. They needed to learn how to actually talk to each other and she didn't know if they had. She'd never seen them be more than casually affectionate. Well, aside from when Dawson kissed Kelly's face all over and then cried herself into a panic at the hospital. She'd never seen them do the day to day couple things except show up to the cookout and be themselves only… more. Dawson had punched Kelly's arm and he'd fake choked her with his arm around her neck before kissing her hair and her cheek, laying his forehead against hers. Shay hated to admit it but they were kind of beautiful together. They'd radiated pure joy on the 4th of July but now…

"Why won't you just tell me what I did wrong?" _Uh oh._ So they were fighting now.

"D. You did nothing. Nothing is wrong. How many times do I have to tell you that!" Shay peeked around the corner. They were in the officers quarters, door slightly ajar but clearly they didn't notice.

"You're pulling away! I can feel it and I don't know why-"

"You're imagining things baby. I'm just-"

"You're not _just_ anything! What happened? We're out in the open! We're not hiding! We did everything you wanted-"

"Didn't you want it too? Are you saying I pushed you into-"

"Do not put words in my mouth Severide."

"Gabi-"

"WhotthefuckisGabi? I was _never_ Gabi with you!"

Shay walked over then. She could hear the tears in Dawson's throat and see the pain in Kelly's eyes through the glass walls and she didn't even knock. Shay just opened the door and looked at them. Watched as they both shut down because the last thing either of them seemed to want was for her to be right about them being bad for each other. They were united on that at least and Kelly folded Dawson into a hug to hide her from Shay and yeah, that definitely hurt. That in the midst of their own fighting, her friends felt the need to keep it from her. To tuck their pain away, obvious though it was and pretend it was fine. Their instincts were already honing in on each other. Becoming their own team even when they fought. Shay could appreciate what it meant while still thinking it sucked to be on the outside.

"Maybe keep it down if you don't want everyone to know what's going on" Shay murmured lowly

"Or don't. Please remind all of us why Severide is the stud of 51. We're really all ears."

Shay turned to see Casey walking over. The look on his face plainly irritated. "Gabi. Go take a walk. Get some fresh air. You're lucky Boden wasn't around to hear this." Shay glanced at Dawson. She was surprised to see her ignore Casey's words. She was looking up at Kelly, a palm on each cheek. His hands wrapped gently around both her hands. Still mindful of the bruises on her right wrist.

"I'm gonna make you talk eventually you know that right?" Dawson said and Shay watched a light go on in Kelly's face that hadn't been there before with Dawson's words. He gave Dawson a small smile and nod and kissed her forehead while she and Casey witnessed what had to be the most reverent way he'd ever been with a woman. At least in a very long time. He straightened the collar on Dawson's shirt and smoothed back her hair and thumbed away whatever traces of tears had been on her cheeks. For a minute they just stared at each other. And when he stepped back it looked like it hurt but he mouthed _sorry_ and Dawson nodded _okay_ and then she was walking out without acknowledging Shay or Casey and Kelly was gesturing Shay after her but something told her to stay. If she had had any doubts about Kelly's intentions with Dawson they were gone but Kelly was clearly hurting and Kelly was always going to be her priority.

"You need to stop playing with Dawson, Severide" Shay turned her head to Casey who had spoken so firmly.

"For the last time Casey, I've never played Dawson. We just happened."

Kelly shrugged his shoulders with the last sentence, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets. Shay could have called bullshit but this wasn't her fight and she eased back to watch the two lieutenants square off like boxers in a ring. Kelly was off. Something had him hiding in his body, face blank, neck tense and probably fists in his pants pockets.

"Like hell you just happened. I should have known something was up with Gabi when she pushed me away."

"I have nothing to do with that."

"Sure you don't"

Casey prowled closer, hands raised in front of him dismissively. Shay watched Kelly lean on the far office wall. Sink lower to the ground like he didn't have a care in the world which was a lie but she was going to watch this so it didn't get out of hand. This was exactly what she thought would happen. Casey and Kelly fighting over Dawson and no one around to stifle the fuse.

"Are we talking about the same woman? Dawson? EMT who kicked a guy in his chest instead of letting him in her rig? Roadside tracheotomy?" Kelly laughed. "I don't make D do anything"

"I don't trust you-"

"You don't have to! We already know you don't listen to me on a job-"

"Don't you dare bring up Andy!"

"He was _my friend_! He worked on your team but Andy was always my friend"

"And Gabi's mine! You're going to wreck her! You're going to run her into the-"

That neither Casey nor Shay saw the hit coming was a testament to Kelly's swiftness more than anything. Shay saw it for the glancing blow it was. Kelly had pulled his punch from go and she ducked in to push him off Casey. To be his excuse for not pushing further as she put her hands on his heaving chest and her eyes told him not to engage. _Don't be stupid_ she thought. But it was rather too late. Casey's jaw was slowly beginning to swell. His lip had blood at the corner.

"Okay!" Shay said firmly "I have one question. Do you two want Boden to find out about this?"

She watched the two men glance at each other. Animosity lay thick between them but also, it seemed, some slow bleed of common sense. Kelly put his hands up and retreated. Sat on the corner of the far bunk. Casey sat down in the chair at the desk.

"Great! Smart! Kelly go shower. No. I don't care if you're clean. Go now!"

Kelly trundled off with a small scowl that Shay ignored and she turned to examine Casey's face carefully. He allowed her to touch along his jaw and check for fractures while he tongued the blood from his lip. It was not lost on Shay that Casey and Kelly were as similar as they were different. Tight-lipped, loyal and given to fits of temper that produced nothing but ill will. They cared about each other but like typical men, didn't say it. Didn't say, _that hurt me_. It seemed both were incapable of showing emotions to each other unless they were screaming. But as she touched Casey's face gingerly, it showed. Casey was hurt by Dawson and Kelly's relationship and she didn't blame him one bit for being furious. Even if she thought he was going about it the wrong way.

"I don't think he's with Dawson because of you,"

"I don't care. You know what he's like!"

She did which was why she shut up. Told him to stay there while she got him an ice pack. Slowly, with more dread than she'd thought possible, Shay walked to the kitchen. She hoped that the whole firehouse hadn't heard but knew it was a lost cause. Everything she was sure would happen was starting. The firehouse crew had begun to fracture even more than it already was and she didn't think there was a thing anyone could do to stop it.

"You want me to re-break his leg?"

Dawson looked down at Hermann with a wry smile on her face. It figured that as private as she wanted to keep some aspects of their relationship, her issues with Kelly would occasionally bleed through at work. She was sitting in the rig, fiddling with a nasal cannula for no reason than to not be in the house. She shook her head as Hermann climbed up into the ambulance beside her.

"No. No, I don't know why he's pulling away but he's not happy. I can see that."

"Eh. Us men. We're idiots. We hook a good thing and we sabotage it. Instantly. It's what we do."

She thought about that for a moment. It sounded right. Sounded like something Kelly would say about himself with a careless shrug before propping a cigar in his mouth. The image made her smile. He hadn't done that with her yet. She'd seen him smoke cigars out in the driveway with Andy and Casey way back. She wanted to see him blow smoke rings and be laid back and easy. She wanted to know what had happened to them.

"You're smiling so he's not screwing up too badly."

Hermann gave Dawson a side hug while she shook her head and laughed. No, Kelly wasn't screwing up but something was screwed up. Kelly had been upfront about his desire to try this thing with her, to see if it could work. He was all in from the morning after, to the restaurant collapse and he'd pulled her out of herself while he was at it. With Kelly mistakes would happen, had been happening all along, and he'd forgiven her and been patient and occasionally an idiot for pushing but still, steadfast through all of it. Kelly had just shown up like he did on her door and fought with her and said all of the things he said he didn't know how to say. And maybe that was the problem? She was saying but not doing enough? Truth be told, she was waiting for that familiar paralysis to hit. That sense that what she was doing couldn't possible be right. Which didn't make sense because Kelly had already said it was okay to be imperfect. To be and get messy with him and they were certainly messy at the moment. Did this count as their first fight? Or was that the spat in her hallway after Joseph and going into a building when she shouldn't have. She was still getting demerits for that from Boden. Boden who'd looked at her with Kelly at the cookout, hands on hips, a spatula in hand and said "Alright" and walked off to enjoy another burger and never discussed it since.

She wasn't angry with Kelly. How could she be? Whatever this was, felt like more of what she'd done when he was in the hospital. Which just felt plain shitty. She'd told him he'd done nothing wrong. He'd looked so uncertain and she'd wanted to cry and now he was saying _she'd_ done nothing wrong and she wanted to believe him so badly. But believing him meant the problem was him and that didn't sit well either and she was pushing. It was something people complained about a lot with her. She needled and poked people who wanted to be left alone and she always wondered if keeping it buried felt better. She couldn't fathom it. Dawson blurted things out and kept the wrong things in and mixed up what felt right with what ultimately was right and all of it usually got her nothing. But knowing and letting it out had to matter. Right?

Hermann left her alone with her thoughts. It was unhelpful. All her thinking and saying hadn't made a dent in Kelly's armor all week. She'd opened her door and now his was closed, or half cracked and she could see him a little. He was there. He was still there but his head was far away and she couldn't bring him back with words and he'd reverted to proving himself in bed and she was losing him just when she thought…

She cut the thought off before it crystallized. In her mind, she'd been working her way up to it, to that word, that phrase. Even though it all felt super fast, life was short and he was right in front of her and he didn't want her to go where he couldn't follow. That was just… who said things like that? She had no frame of reference for a Kelly Severide who made bold declarations and to her of all people. She had taken it and him and run with it and he said he wasn't running away but it wasn't a line when she said she saw him. Dawson did and that had only been his first layer. What she had learned since then put what she'd seen at first to shame and made her want more. To burrow in and be held in the deepest part of Kelly's being. He made being herself okay. How could she do the same for him? How had they already gotten away from that warm happy feeling?

When Kelly got out of the shower Bri was waiting. Just sitting on a bench by his locker with her lip tucked into her mouth and her hands locked over her knees. He toweled his hair as he walked over. Kelly had already said sorry and Bri didn't look mad but she also wasn't saying anything which usually meant bad things were about to happen and he'd had enough of that for the last few days. He sat beside her without speaking. Waiting for her to say whatever it was she wanted to yell but Bri just took the towel from his hands and began to dry his hair. Kelly continued to look at her. She was sad. He was making her sad and she was trying to hide it. She was drying his hair which he knew she loved to play with and being present and he didn't know how to explain the distance between what he felt for her and what he was doing. The disconnect was not just jarring for her. He could see her reaching out and trying and-

"I want to tell you a story" she started slowly. "I want to tell you why Mills and I ended" Kelly popped his head up. Confused was a good word for his mental headspace just then. Mills wasn't why he was tense and stressed about Bri. He wasn't sure why Bri thought this was relevant at all really. He was pretty sure her best friend thinking they were a dumpster fire in hell away from destroying each other was why he couldn't get his mind quiet. She saw his face and smiled a little.

"Context okay? How I screwed up with Mills… I don't want to do that with you." She draped the towel over his bare shoulders while Kelly shook his head.

"You're not screwing up"

"Doesn't matter. Well... it does. I want to believe you but i can't. Not if it means you think you're screwing up instead."

Kelly was sure Bri didn't know how vehement Casey's reaction to their relationship had been. At least, he was sure they hadn't discussed it like he and Casey did. He sighed as he bent sideways, reaching into his locker for a tee shirt.

"Before you start. You should know I hit Casey"

"Wait. What? When?!"

"Twenty minutes ago."

Kelly waited for her to explode at him. For that slightly infamous temper which probably rivaled his own, to make an appearance. Bri looked incredulous but not horrified. He figured that was good enough. Bri sighed softly and Kelly blinked in surprise.

"What'd he say to you?"

And here Kelly shrugged against her concern, watched Bri's eyes narrow and remembered belatedly that his shrug was his tic. The thing he did when he didn't want to disclose information. He'd assumed Bri would bawl him out. Give him a lecture about fighting in the firehouse, about subordinates and setting an example. He wanted to distract her from talking about Mills, from perceiving that her _not_ screwing up definitely meant he was, and would continue to do so.

"Kelly"

It figured that Bri was as stubborn as he was. She planted her feet on either side of the bench and watched him change, her expression set and focused in like a hawk. She leveled a stare and went so quiet, Kelly could hear her breathing. In different circumstances, he would have found her hilarious, hands braced on her hips, leaning in. Just waiting. She knew he hated prying. Resented it really. It was why, curious though he was about her separation from Mills, he would never ask her directly. It was really none of his business anyway. She could keep it close to the vest, although he knew that she hadn't. Shay was the keeper of all her secrets but of course Shay hadn't been in so giving a mood with the answers lately. Not that he'd asked but still. Bri kept right on staring as he fixed his chain around his neck and combed his fingers through his hair and-

"I'm in this. I don't say it like you do but I am in this with you Kelly"

"Baby-"

"Whatever he said hurt you. Don't play dumb. Tell me or don't but I'm here and I am trying to prove that I'm open which is why I need to explain Mills."

Kelly let her take his hands and kiss them. Bri seemed nervous enough and he wasn't going to make it harder. And he listened while she explained what she'd overheard between Boden and his father. What his father had accused Boden of and how everything he'd done since Henry Mills' death was about making up for the mistake he made twenty years ago. How she'd confronted Boden who'd told her not to tell Mills. How she didn't and it burned and tugged at her conscience, a weed gnarling at the roots of their relationship until finally, she pulled the weed out by the head and her own heart with it when Mills' rejected her explanation.

Her hands were shaking by the end and he didn't know who had let go first and she wasn't even looking at him, but the bench. Her long hair falling over her shoulder. Bri looked like she was trying to hide in it, the way he did in the mornings when he didn't want to leave her bed just yet. Bri was so consumed with telling him, the history of the animosity between his derelict dad and upstanding boss, that she forgot to note his reaction.

Kelly was a little stunned but not surprised. History, it seemed, repeated itself. Benny and Boden were still fighting over Henry Mills, the way he and Casey fought about Andy. The similarities were a little uncomfortable. Granted, Benny and Boden weren't fighting over Ingrid like he and Casey were about Bri but wasn't it all part of the same kind of betrayal? Boden betrayed Henry Mills, by sleeping with his estranged wife and then Henry died trying to prove himself to Boden. Andy died because Casey let him into a fire that wasn't vented and blamed Kelly. Now Kelly was sleeping with the girl who'd always loved Casey first and it added more fuel to the fire that was their seething antipathy. Kelly was fairly sure that wasn't what he was meant to get out of Bri's confession but it's what stuck. His dad being a dick especially. He waited for Bri to look up. He wasn't certain what kind of response she was looking for from him. The moral of her story, for him at least, was that people would feel what they felt and continue to feel it long after it was worth the bitterness. He respected Boden and acknowledged his father's own experience as a firefighter but the fact remained that twenty years later, Henry Mills was still dead. Benny was examining the son by the father's mistakes and maybe just maybe Kelly should give himself some slack in the "screwing everything up" department if those two men couldn't get a handle on their shit even now.

"Kelly?"

He turned back to Bri's face so hesitant and outright scared of rejection. He seriously wanted to get to the bottom of that. How every perceived mistake she made, made his girl so fucking anxious. Her story involved his own father. He supposed he could be mad about that. It didn't make a difference, really. Benny saying asshole things, and stirring up things best left alone was a trait he had inherited. Bearing the brunt of his father's criticism made him more inclined to side with Boden really. The problem was, as Bri thought of it, was the hiding. She'd kept an essential truth of Mills's past from him. He was absolutely right to be pissed but…

"Why'd you do it?"

"To protect him. Boden convinced me that it would hurt him and it did and when he finally learned the truth it was worse because of how long I waited"

"Boden didn't tell him either."

"Boden wasn't in a relationship with him though"

True. Rational statements all around. Except for the fact that Boden's refusal to be open was more emotional than rational in Kelly's point of view. He peered at Bri quizzically.

"Would you do that to me?" Bri's eyes widened and Kelly almost regretted asking but she'd opened the door to the inquiry with her confession and they were already strained by things he wanted to have control of and didn't. By things he wanted to say to her but didn't know if they made sense.

"Protect you? Absolutely. Hide from you? No" she shook her head wildly.

"Cuz you see me?"

Bri had no idea how much those words had touched him and continued to do so. It felt strange at first and unreal, but she'd waded into the middle of who he was and found nothing wanting. She'd decided he was one of the people she could let in. Without thinking about it, his hand reached out to touch her flushing cheek. Bri nodded while she swallowed around the lump he saw in her throat and Kelly leaned in to kiss her forehead.

"You're not mad?" Bri whispered.

"Are you? I hit Casey".

Bri pinched his cheek.

"It's not the same thing, Sev."

No, it wasn't, and it also wasn't a response but he let it slide. He knew she knew he'd told her as a deflection. As a way to dodge the serious gambit of their conversation and she had flat out ignored it. Which was typical and infuriating but they also weren't fighting anymore. She'd exposed a mistake that still had her raw at the center. An error that probably led them to this moment, if he remembered everything she'd babbled back in January correctly. Things could never really be the same at Firehouse 51 now that they'd made their choice. Or at least, he'd made his. Kelly hugged D close as she seemed to collapse with relief. He'd made his choice. There was really no contest. D was it.

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 _Thank you for reading!_


	24. Chapter 24

**Hey there. The conflict grows and Sev has some thoughts about it. Thank you as always for reading. I hope you all had a fun weekend!  
**

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For a minute, Boden thought Firehouse 51 was under control but then Benny Severide had to visit and throw a wrench in the works.

Like most shifts, this one started off quiet enough. The men talking shit while they stowed gear in their lockers and caught up. Mills ranged around him in wide arching circles, loyal to the memory of his father in a way that Boden could respect. He was following Severide around like a lost puppy while Casey looked by turns exasperated and mulish. Casey…

Boden was concerned about Casey. He said he was fine but Boden was sure that he wasn't. That something untoward had occurred and he was holding it in. The men knew, that much he could tell. They looked uncomfortable with their knowledge and Corinne, who could be so plugged into the gossip mill, just gave him blank irritated stares when he asked if she knew what was going on. She did. They both knew she did. Her unwillingness to share information was a punishment of some kind. He needed to figure out what and why fast.

"Sir? You wanted to see me?"

Boden looked up to find Hermann standing in his office doorway like a kid called to the principal's office. He waved Hermann into a seat after telling him to close the door and Boden patently ignored the long gulp he heard the other man make. Boden didn't like to think of himself as an unreasonable man but it did well to instill a little fear and respect in subordinates. Too familiar an approach could lead to the expectation of leniency. Something Boden could not abide as a matter of form. He was still a military man. His code of ethics and general disposition reflected this. And though his days of shit-talking and roughhousing with the guys was generally speaking, over, he was not one to stand on ceremony needlessly.

"Now," Boden relaxed into his chair as he spoke. Gave the certain semblance of calm and indifference that usually preceded an inquisition and Hermann whispered _uh oh_ while Boden tried not to smile. "Tell me what's going on with Lieutenant Casey".

"Casey?" Hermann echoed, his voice high-pitched and anxious. "I don't know what- "

"Stow it. I know my men. I know you know. Tell me something"

"It's not my place sir" Hermann murmured. His face was apologetic. He was the dutiful firefighter, concern painted wide on his weathered countenance. Blue eyes clear. He wasn't lying to his Battalion Chief and Boden knew it. He let out a small inaudible sigh and cast his pen down on the desktop.

"What can you tell me. Anything?"

"That he's hurt and confused. Nothing time won't fix sir."

Hmm. Boden steepled his fingers in front of his mouth and stared long and hard at Hermann while he pondered what he had not learned. Everything Hermann said jived with his own perceptions of the situation. Casey was abrupt and impatient where usually he was the calm and rational pillar of integrity in a hotbed of adrenaline junkies. He wasn't doing the job for glory or wild stories. Casey was a man who built things with his hands. Solid. Steady. Boden suspected part of why Casey did construction work was to rebuild what was once destroyed by fire. They did a lot of damage while saving people and left a lot of trauma in their wake. A crack in the foundation of Casey's personality meant something had truly shook him.

"If you don't mind my saying sir…" Hermann trailed off as Boden gave him a look like he was being absurd. Why was everything like pulling teeth with his men? As soon as they had an awkward problem, they dove for cover faster than any civilian. Boden found it vastly annoying while acknowledging, quite privately, that he was sometimes guilty of the same infraction. Herman pushed forward, conscious that he was evading some of the truth but it really was none of his, or Chief's business. "Severide. He and Casey about the whole Andy thing…"

So that was part of the issue. Boden had never directly addressed either man's grief after the initial shock and horror. But a line of duty death was a serious thing. Awful though it might sound, an LODD was more painful than any of the rescues turned recoveries from one second to the next at any job on any shift. That was your brother, your friend who suffered a terrifying death and there was no doubt in Boden's mind that with his knowledge of fire, Andy's death had been gruesome.

"Is the arguing serious?"

"Absolutely. They're just hiding it better. Looks like Casey has a bruised jaw"

Now that was truly alarming. Both Casey and Severide were less than perfect at subterfuge. Self-deceit? Yes, without question. They said they were fine when an injury plagued them for months. Went off to maim dirty cops with their halligans instead of trusting the law. But to know that the anger was so deeply entrenched that they sought to limit his knowledge of it in the firehouse….

"Is that it? That's all you can give me?"

Ultimately, nothing Hermann said mattered more than getting the truth from the source. It was a delicate situation. A friendship had fractured under the weight of a colleague's death. Each man's loyalty to Andy's memory was leading them down a path of isolation, a situation that did not bode well for either lieutenant. They were young to have gained their positions, and still had a lot to learn. Whether they admitted it or not was another matter entirely.

A knock at his office door had Boden and Hermann turning their heads to Connie.

"Benny Severide is here to see you Chief"

Boden's face immediately flattened.

Casey caught up with her in the laundry room, pulling sheets out of the dryer to fold. Casey watched her for a minute, disinclined to reveal himself. Gabi was humming tunelessly. It was a remarkably quiet moment for such a bright and vibrant personality. To him. Gabi sometimes existed in her tough girl schtick. In her earnest drive to push ahead and be the force of nature Casey knew so well. He hated to admit it but she looked happy. Not even just quietly content but _happy_. Every gesture she made had the languid quality of someone at ease with themselves and the world around them. Casey wished he was the reason for her carefree aura. Hard though it was to admit she was happy, it was worse to contemplate how far out of favour he'd fallen that he couldn't remember the last time they were as close to casual as she appeared in this moment.

"Hey"

"Hey Casey, what's up?'

She never called him Matt these days and it depressed him. He was no longer angry and she wasn't throwing a tantrum about his silence but he'd been relegated to _Casey_ , to a coworker when he used to know nearly as much about her life as Shay. He really didn't want to spend a lot of time going over how the change had occurred. It was likely he bore some of the blame for it, bitter pill though it was to swallow. That Kelly had pulled her that much further away left him raw and shipwrecked in a world where he was isolated from those he most yearned to be close to without any way to bridge the distance. He scuffed his shoe on the floor and looked down at his hands.

"Not much, couple construction jobs to wrap up in the next week. Visited Andy's boys"

"Oh yeah? How's Heather doing?"

The conversation swam away from him, carried on a tide of sympathy for the fatherless boys and how their mother was coping. Casey detected no sarcasm, no malice or jealousy. Gabi was genuinely concerned about the Dardens in a way that her demeanour at the 4th of July cookout had _not_ suggested. She had been scathing and fierce in her protection of Kelly, a situation that still struck him as bizarre. Cruz had described in minute detail what he knew of the whole altercation. Never mind what Heather had said when she found him. The ill-ease he felt, watching her affection play out like a movie. It was hard to take, harder still to fathom. Gabi, falling for Kelly's bullshit.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

He had to ask. It'd been bottling up inside him, bothering him for so long he needed the outlet. Casey watched Gabi pause to really look at him. They'd wandered over from the laundry room to the officers' quarters. She was propped up on the doorjamb, arms folded across her chest while he sat at the desk. It was a familiar gesture made sour with her sudden caution and delicacy. Gabi had been handling him with kid gloves for so long now he actually wanted to scream. To have another fight. It was her own fault as much as his but they'd both prolonged the aftermath.

"We weren't on speaking terms. And then…" she sort of shrugged and looked at him plaintively. "You guys don't get along. Why invite more drama?"

 _Because I'm your friend_ he wanted to say. And really, he wanted to say more but speaking those particular words out loud would get him nowhere right then. Casey knew without question that he had waited too long for things to be right with Gabi. His mouth twisted down in one corner.

"You don't trust me".

"This was not about you Casey. Not even a little."

He suspected she was lying but thought it prudent not to say it. Gabi would never have even entertained the idea of Kelly if he hadn't quit the field for bad timing. But it _was_ bad timing. It still was. His mother was awol and his sister was blaming him. Heather definitely depended on him more than she should and he was never telling Gabi about the awkward kiss, and the way Kelly had reacted to her sleepover and a hundred other small and large things he was constantly handling. Griffin was so very angry and he couldn't get through and he cared about the boy. Cared about his memories of his father and his life, and what being a firefighter mean to him quite apart from his death and absence. He understood Griffin. He'd been Griffin when his father had died. He could never say murdered, like his sister. Though it was apt. Though his mother had definitely planned to kill his father that night. Casey shook the thought away.

"I don't think you realize how bad Kelly is for you"

"Casey…"

"You didn't come to me because you knew I'd talk sense into you about what he's like."

"You act like I don't hear stories from Shay. Like I haven't been around him for years."

"Then explain to me," Casey asked with frustration grinding his teeth, "how he went from Shay's roommate to… I don't know what". Casey didn't want to say the word boyfriend though arriving together at the annual cookout was a fairly strong indicator. They'd never been more than eight feet from each other. He'd watched Gabi lean into the other man while he kissed her forehead. Seen how Kelly had held her when the fireworks went off and he was staring at her and she was staring right back. Casey looked into the eyes of his best friend. He stared at her and she stared right back, chewing her lower lip while she obviously tried to think of the best way to frame what he didn't really want to hear.

"I know you don't want to hear this but Kelly is not a mistake. I do not regret him and he has more than proven how much I matter to him"

It was quiet between them for a minute as Gabi let him process her words. She let it sink in and through while she stood over him, her eyes kind and large, a little nervous it seemed, about his opinion. She shrugged at last, and looked away. Picked up her defensive posture and leaned a shoulder in the doorjamb while he sat dumbfounded by her quiet belief in Severide. He realized Gabi wasn't gloating. She wasn't saying he'd waited too long and this was what he got for making her pine. She was confident. Certain of Kelly in a way that floored him. He didn't know what to say and Gabi picked up the slack though it tormented him to hear her say anything more.

"Casey… look, maybe we won't last. I don't know. Kelly isn't just his track record. I didn't see it at first but now that I do…" Casey watched her try to hide a smile he thought had only been his and shattered a little. She didn't say anymore about Kelly but she didn't have to. Gabi said all the right words about working on their friendship, being there for each other more and actually listening instead of yelling and he wanted to disagree. He knew that he wouldn't but some small part of him felt petty and vindictive. Kelly had swooped in on a girl _yet again_ and walked away with her heart. But this time it was his girl, and the wrong heart and Casey felt his lips stretch painfully to accommodate the appropriate reaction. If he could give Gabi nothing else, he could do that. For now.

Hermann scampered out, relieved to no longer be under Boden's watchful gaze while Benny Severide grew baleful, crowding the doorway in his plaid cotton shirt and khakis. Benny was confused, irritated and looking for answers. Kelly had called. He hadn't picked up. He'd been out fishing but his son had left a five minute voicemail explaining in minute and excruciating detail exactly where he could stow his opinion of Henry Mills, of Peter Mills and worst of all Chief Wallace Boden and he'd fumed. Stewed for a few days in his own resentment. In his son's betrayal. The loyalty Kelly spared for his sometimes foe irritated Benny to no end. For all Wallace's self-belief, his intractable point of view on the circumstances that surrounded the night Henry Mills died and took another young firefighter with him, Benny knew he was right. Mills had been scared, had panicked and dragged another man into the smoke with him, disoriented and without cause. Anything else was conjecture based on personal opinion. He was not gifted with an overabundance of personal opinion when it came to the people around him.

"What the hell did you tell Kelly?"

"You came all the way from Kenosha to have a conversation about the son you didn't visit once while he was in the hospital for a career threatening injury?'

As retorts went, Wallace had him there. Benny was silent for a moment formulating an appropriate counter strike. "Does Kelly even know that you're here Benny?" Benny didn't respond to that inquiry either.

No, his son did not know but it was for the best in his estimation. Given the colourful language of Kelly's last voice message, a face to face meeting would probably not be wise. And anyway, if Kelly had answers for Benny's questions, he'd never get them from his wayward progeny. Kelly was more than a touch mulish when riled, just as he was. And Benny felt the pricking of his temper with every word Boden said in his calm perfunctory manner like some omnipotent god in the safety of his kingdom.

"What the hell did you say Wallace?"

Benny decided he was going to answer all of Wallace's questions with the one question that had been plaguing him the whole drive south. His son was many many things but stupid was not one of them. Gullible? Sometimes. He remained hopeful in the face of people's misdeeds far longer than was advisable. Benny knew he was responsible for the chip on Kelly's shoulder. Was responsible for more than half of what his kids got wrong and not right. He damn sure had nothing to do with Kelly getting through fire academy, no matter what the brass thought. But when your eldest born, the first baby you ever held, yells down the telephone line about hypocrisy and hiding in your own failures and maybe next time buy a clue before souring him on a fellow firefighter. Well… Benny always showed up when the accusations started flying. Call it a gift.

"I. Said. Nothing." Wallace had his hands on his hips. He enunciated each word so slowly, Benny took three angry breaths for each Boden syllable. Continued to fume. Called:

"Bullshit. We both know when push comes to shove you'll talk a blue streak to make your point heard."

"This coming from the man who thought it prudent to reveal provocative biased information about a line of duty death to a firefighter's son in the middle of a firehouse!'

"He wanted to know!"

"Not like that he didn't. You always needed to be the center of attention. It was never enough to do the job and do it well. You selfish egotistical bastard. Never mind that I loved Ingrid and you'd already-"

"If you bring up my first wife so help me God…"

"Started shacking up with Mary. How are you the paragon in this morass of-"

"Mary wasn't the wife of a subordinate!"

It was an old fight. One they'd had many times before but the feelings never faded and their voices grew louder while outside, Connie tried to cover for their drama. She banged her desk drawer open and pitched her voice deeper just so on the phone and didn't even bother listening in because she knew what was going on. She just hoped against false hope that the rest of the firehouse didn't and did the worst of things she could do. Prayed for a job to come in.

"D? Baby you back here?"

A smile broke out on Dawson's face. She couldn't help it. Kelly was so careless with his endearments around the house now it was a wonder he'd ever hidden their relationship at all. He wasn't officious but it seemed like he no longer had any filter between his mind and mouth. He was quietly demonstrative pouring her coffee and tugging her hair. She turned away from Casey to see him walking rapidly towards her, hands stuffed in his jacket pockets. Dawson frowned. It was summer and not cold. She peered up at his face.

"What's wrong?"

Dawson was conscious of Casey's gaze on her as Kelly drew closer. The blond was watching her with the squad lieutenant, a certain air of disbelief or maybe derision ranging out over the officer's quarters. She reached out. Smoothed her hand across Kelly's chest, eyes focused on her lover's face as she read the distress and anxiety in his eyes.

"Benny's here" his voice was tight and carried as much upset as she'd ever heard Kelly display in the firehouse outside arguments. Caring about her hadn't eliminated his need to be the cool bad boy lieutenant, all leather jackets and classic fast cars. She felt him lean into her hand as his gaze flicked momentarily over Casey. They still weren't on good terms and she didn't touch that landmine. Didn't feel equipped to be in the middle of their battle even as she acknowledged her new part in it.

"He didn't call?" she asked, more to distract Kelly than for conversation.

"Of course not. It's more than an hour's drive. Enough to give some kind of notice but nope! He's yelling in Boden's office and-"

"Yelling? _At Boden_?"

She watched Kelly's face flicker between earnest and angry. He wanted to say something to her and Dawson glanced at Casey. She was aware that he was the only reason Kelly might not be forthcoming. So she he took his hand and led him through the firehouse and out the back way past all the trucks and apparatus. She led him to his car, and sat on the hood and ignored his protests about the paint job and checked her radio was working in case of a call and said _start talking_ because Kelly was anxious and nervous and it couldn't be about her. Not again.

He was still pulling away a little. Distant but trying. He got caught up in his thoughts and his face would be cast in stone, a cold immutable force she couldn't hope to enter. It wasn't often and he insisted it wasn't her fault and she felt safe enough with him to believe it. That this was his issue and she couldn't fix it which hurt in a way Dawson couldn't really express as Kelly paced a circle in front of her thinking, just thinking. Of all men it had to be Kelly who taught her patience. The sun was in his hair and she could see he was starting to go grey and she didn't care because his eyes were the best part of him. How he could cut through anything with a look and a twist of that mouth and _ohdeargodimightlovehim_ and she wasn't thinking it. Loving him did not help her in their current situation: his face flashing between emotions, no words spoken.

"Sev."

"I called him after our talk in the locker room"

Dawson thought about that for a minute. She should have known something was up when he took it so calmly and quietly. Kelly was laid-back but never that chill when it came to his dad. His dad who was several feet away and she was dating his son. Dawson sincerely hoped Kelly didn't want to do the meet and greet.

"I thought you weren't mad..."

"Not at you."

He gave her a look somewhere between hopeless and outright grim. Dawson found herself climbing off the car to hold his face between her palms she was so dismayed. She watched him attempt a shutdown, to close the door on his heart and she wanted to scream at Benjamin _Dickwad_ Severide for all the damage writ large on her big guy's psyche.

"Look at me Sev. Look at me."

"He and Boden fight like me and Casey, Bri"

Kelly was whispering. Saying something without saying what he actually meant to say and Dawson was torn between calling him out and just listening. She pressed in close and whispered _okay?_ in response and Kelly wrapped his arms around her waist and seemed to almost will her to understand something he didn't feel comfortable speaking into existence. She blinked up at him. Settled in for a staring contest she'd ultimately win because she loved staring into his eyes just that much. So when Kelly's fingers started tangling in her hair, as he sighed, Dawson was ready.

"Casey and I might never be okay"

The sun was shining in his eyes and Kelly was squinting. Both hands were in her hair, neat ponytail ruined while Dawson processed his assertion. He intuited how important Casey was to her. How important Casey would always be to her and Kelly was calling down a warning. He was telling the truth slant, being oblique and avoiding a direct confrontation with the unfortunate fact for her sake. She said nothing. Not because she was hurt or upset but it was a thing she had to fathom on a large scale. Living her life at odds with someone she cared about deeply. Watching another person she cared for be anxious and stressed on her behalf because it. Picking a side. And it was clear that Kelly thought she'd eventually pick Casey. His hedging was proof enough of that belief. She couldn't say _so what?_ She would not say it didn't matter because it did. For all their arguments and occasional estrangements, Casey was still her friend. She couldn't give him up so easily.

"What does that have to do with your dad?"

"He and Boden are having the same fight. The _exact same fight_ twenty years later. My dad tried to poison me against Mills. Tell me he couldn't handle Squad because he thinks his dad couldn't hack it" Kelly shook his head and Dawson drew his eyes back to her, felt his fingers stroking through her hair as they held each other's gaze.

"I'm mad because they couldn't keep their shit to themselves. My dad tried to involve me and _I could have listened_. I'm mad that I might end up the same way and I don't want you to watch it happen. I won't make you pick sides but I won't give you up. Not until you tell me to."

Dawson was surprised she hadn't seen the similarities first. Here she thought she'd been confessing the worst sort of secret to keep from a lover to Kelly and he'd already jumped three moves ahead to how his father and Boden were the blueprint for his future connection to Casey and how it might affect her. He'd picked the exact opposite person to be mad with than she thought. He'd put his focus squarely on her. Again. Were all his quiet moods full of this awful circular thinking around her?

She kissed him on the nose. The prospect of Kelly being always on the outs with Casey was a situation that saddened her. Still,

"I will tell you, what I just told Casey. You are not a mistake. I do not for one minute regret you. Not choosing you? That hurt. I was an utter wreck when you fell but didn't think I had the right to show it. I definitely don't deserve you…"

"Bri-"

"Shut up Sev. You said, back in March, that you wanted to try. That you had pride and you wouldn't take me somewhere I didn't want to go. And then you showed up on my doorstep and told me to fuck off with my break bullshit and not to go where you couldn't follow and I am standing here. With you."

Dawson held on tight to his cheeks and brought his forehead to hers because she couldn't look him in the eye for this part. She couldn't say I love you just yet. Couldn't give him the words that would probably make him bolt for the door because Kelly was all about gestures even if he was getting so good with his words. The way he had just articulated his concerns was breaking off more pieces of her heart she didn't think she even had. So Dawson held on. Listened to him breath. Listened to Kelly Severide shut up just because she said so and felt her love for him grow that much deeper. She swallowed and then she spoke.

"I am standing right here and I am saying _take me with you._ Kelly… I am telling you that I will never tell you to give me up. I can't leave you. I'm awful but I don't care about Shay when I'm with you and I don't care about Casey and even if it took me longer because I was scared and in my own head: I am in this. I wish you could see how deep in this I am with you."

She felt his arms curl around their heads. Dawson burrowed into his chest and kissed his t shirt over his heartbeat and listened for the rhythm she fell asleep to, more nights than not, these days. His heart. How fierce and proud and merciless it was in pursuit of her. How it made her push back and move and live. She was not his shrinking violet. Theirs was never going to be a peaceable relationship. She could handle that. He made her certain of it.

She felt his lips kiss her temple, then her ear and she giggled. It felt like those first few months in her bed when they were all delight and exploration. He made her a map and told her she was found and improbably enough she believed him. Put faith in his little kid joy with her. In his surprise at where they'd ended up and how deeply he dived into it. For a man adverse to heartbreak, Kelly sure did jump into the deep end of an empty pool without thinking. She envied him that impulse. Even as she worried about his heart and how big it really was and what she could do to protect it.

"Bri…"

She listened to the rumble of her name in his throat. Dawson wrapped both her arms around his waist and ignored the traffic cruising by them in cars on the road next to Kelly's Mustang. Dawson pressed in as much as she could and didn't let the idea of anyone watching faze her, or make her self-conscious. She wanted to be a girl holding her guy on a sidewalk in Chicago, so she was. He smelled the way he did in January: of the cologne she couldn't find anywhere in his apartment or gym bag, of the sweat she tasted when she kissed his neck and all their good moments of raucous laughter and pure sex. She hadn't had a sip of tequila in months. She didn't need it.

"I need you to be nice when you see my dad"

Yeah no. That wasn't happening.

Shay didn't know that Kelly and Bri had left the building but she didn't need to. Benny and Boden were the thunderclaps that told you the storm was there even if you saw no rain. Otis and Cruz sat quiet and awkward near the kitchen. Mouch stared at the tv like it was a religion. Truck and Squad were scattered to the foul breeze of their lieutenants' persistent arguments. Shay wanted an escape hatch and a bottle of tequila in no particular order as Casey stomped through the break room. Shay wasn't sure how to help Casey besides being there for him like she did for Kelly. And that started with,

"Matt"

She watched the blond lieutenant startle as she said his first name. It wasn't their thing. They weren't close. It was also extremely informal and inappropriate when they were on shift. But in this strange new world where their best friends dated and silo-ed themselves off in the sugar sweet bubble of a new relationship…. Shay needed all the sanity she could get. Casey's eyes went wide with inquiry and she guided him out of the room away from the prying eyes of his subordinates, further down the hall from the still very very loud shouting. He didn't say anything while she leaned against the wall and organized her thoughts because united front wasn't exactly what she meant by talking to him. Casey had his own agenda and issues with the current situation. She wasn't fool enough to believe otherwise but desperate times called for a change in tactics.

"I know it's weird…" Shay cleared her throat. "Them being together-"

"Weird isn't the word i'd use Shay"

" _Noted_. But you're the rational sane one of the four of us. Why fight Kelly? The firehouse is _literally_ a powder keg what with Boden screaming down the hall right now and you two picking at each other. You can't seriously believe he's dating Gabi to rile you. That's way too underhanded and sneaky for his way of thinking. Kelly would rather bust your balls directly than involve anyone else. That includes me, in case you think he put me up to this"

She leaned her face into his, the blatant look of incredulity snatching a sigh from Casey as he rubbed his hands over his eyes. Shay wanted to level with him. Tell him this shit was driving her insane and she'd counseled both Kelly and Gabi against it but that wasn't her place and even as panicked and frustrated as she was with their selfish idiocy, she couldn't deny that actual feelings were involved now and pushing either or both of them into a corner would produce reactions she really didn't want to see. Kelly'd already thrown a punch and with his protective instincts, one bad word from Casey would send the situation spiraling out of control.

"What do you want me to say Shay? That I'll back off? It's Gabi! When have I ever-"

"Okay let me stop you right there and remind you of the epic silent treatment shit you pulled. And whatever happened at her cousin's holiday party last year. Your pettiness with Mills trying for Squad probably didn't help and Casey, no lie. _I was rooting for you!_ "

She hissed this quietly. Aware of eavesdropping ears and her own irritation that talking with Casey wasn't working. She liked the lieutenant a lot. Thought he was adorable with Dawson and they would have insanely precious chubby kids within two years of getting together because Dawson was going to lock that shit down when they finally got together. Shay'd thought that from day one, just seeing the two of them look at each other. And that was with Hallie in the picture.

"You've known them both longer than me! How is it I understand all of this better than you?!"

"Shay-"

"Forget Kelly. Do you trust Gabi?" She'd gotten nowhere explaining his old fire academy classmate to him so she focused on the person who was intensifying his conflict with her best friend. "Do you believe that she knows what she's doing? That she's smart enough to see through Kelly?"

Casey's face shuttered and the anxious ill feeling in Shay's stomach strengthened. Casey was Dawson's best friend. What on earth did that look mean?

"I think Gabi has a big heart" Casey responded quietly.

Shay's jaw dropped. Casey didn't trust Dawson? At all? Is that how bad things had gotten? Shay spluttered a retort. Looked away. Looked at Casey again. Her plan wasn't working like she hoped. Casey was so far into his own head about what was going on he thought Gabi's decisions weren't reliable. She was trying to help. She was seriously trying to avoid further calamity-

 _Maybe you should focus on your fishing and let me take care of Kelly! It's more than you've ever done!_

Shay and Casey turned their heads down the hallway to Boden's office. Maybe it was too late to stop anything.

* * *

 _Thanks for taking a chance on reading this. Take care!_


	25. Chapter 25

**AN: Hi again. This is my longest chapter yet at 8,200 words. I tried a little something different. It's a day in the life of Bri and Sev with multiple POVs spread across this, and the next chapter. There are time stamps for what time of day each set of scenes occurs in and bits of fluff to combat the tension and conflict that is roiling at Firehouse 51. Thought you guys could use a mild reprieve while still building on what is happening in this story.**

 **To my new favorites and follows: Ellea Cloud and curtis22 thank you and welcome!**

 **To my faithful reviewers, Nishea and Ghostwriter: you two are the best and I am always so thrilled to see your reactions to what's going on with these characters. Much love and all the hugs.  
**

 **To all of you who are reading this, I appreciate your dedication, as always. There are a million stories out there and you chose mine.**

 **Obligatory disclaimer: These characters are the property of Dick Wolf, NBC et al. We all know what I would do if I could get my hands on them...**

 **xo lily**

* * *

 _7:00 AM_

They were hiding from the sunlight streaming in through her bedroom windows. Dawson was swallowed in Kelly's arms and his face was buried in her hair and they were making the soft sounds of morning. The quiet disoriented groans and sleepy sighs of lazy movement. They were off shift for two days. Two very necessary days after Boden and Benny had their blowout and the subsequent quilt trip from Kelly's father. Dawson had gritted her teeth and snarled a little while Kelly had bruised her hip, holding her too tight. Now, she mumbled something into Kelly's chest and he laughed because her mouth tickled a little. He kissed her hair and murmured _what_ as she stretched her long legs along his under the cotton sheets.

"I don't want to wake up"

"So don't"

He pulled her closer as her head pulled back to blink sleepy eyes open and closed, her face cautiously concerned. Much as it had remained for the tail end of their shift, trying to avoid his meddling father and Boden's distemper. He stared right back. She didn't respond which was itself an answer as she kissed his nose and Kelly snuggled deeper into her embrace. It was her bed. It was quiet and safe, an oasis of calm in their hectic Chicago lives. It was quickly becoming his favourite place to be as he peeled the sheet away from her shoulder to breathe out a sigh on her soft skin.

Benny didn't like this diner but Katie had picked it. She was wary of him. Cautious as any woman should be of a man who dropped in unannounced after several years gone and said _hi I'm your father._ He couldn't fathom the stories her mother had told her. It didn't matter. She was just what he had needed after divorcing his first wife and leaving Kelly at eight years old. Benny winced as he took a sip of his hot coffee, waiting to see what awkward young woman slid through the doors. Her mother had been less than thrilled to hear from him. Especially when he'd said he was just passing through. It was a phrase well-worn in his lexicon. He could admit that truth without prejudice. Lucky for him she wasn't vindictive enough to keep him away from his own daughter. He had a vague memory of blue eyes and brown hair. She'd been her own person, taking after neither of her parents to the utter consternation of neighbours and friends. He'd been tempted to ask for a paternity test but then, he'd never really supported either of them after he left. He'd never married Katie's mother and never been technically obligated. Which was bullshit but hey, he lived his life the way he wanted to back then and to hell with the consequences.

He checked his watch. Katie was late and Benny had nothing better to do than stew in his memories of the old days with Boden and Mills and the rest of the 51 crew before they died or quit or walked away injured. Boden was protective of his boy, of Kelly, in a way that made him angry and frustrated at the same time. He believed Boden hadn't said anything, but someone had and now Kelly distrusted his word on Peter Mills. Which was unfortunate because when he looked at the boy he saw the same soft, tender underbelly that had gotten Henry killed. He was certain of it. And now Kelly was playing against him, being stubborn and setting the kid up for Squad when he was green and untested as a candidate. It was the sort of bold move he expected from Kelly but misdirected. Misplaced as so many of his impulses were, Benny imagined. He'd never seen any of his kids grow up. Not really. He was trying with Beth and quite naturally, failing. But he wanted to check in. Needed to level set. Kelly's voicemail was still ringing in his ears past Boden's bold words about taking care of him better than Benny ever did and there was no response to that which made him look good without being an outright lie. He and Wallace Boden both had failed marriages but where he eventually left civil service for his cabin in the woods, Wallace stayed on and made himself indispensable to the firefighters he worked with. Kelly certainly thought so. Benny resisted the urge to sigh as he looked down at his watch again. Forty-five minutes late.

Just then his phone buzzed and he reached for it quickly. Concern for Katie colouring his actions. Benny scanned the text message before his mouth tightened. _Imagine this only fifteen years and the door of my mother's house. She waited for you. I won't._ The consequences of his actions were bitter poison for Benny to swallow. It seemed his charm was less effective on wayward daughters than the mothers who bore them. He ordered breakfast. Contemplated going back to Kenosha and Beth and making a real go of it. He wasn't getting any younger. He was, according to his son, trying to force him to make the same damn mistakes he did as a firefighter. Benny sipped his coffee as he thought about that. Like father like son was more truism than absent-minded saying when it came to Severide men. When he saw Kelly, he was struck by how much of nature's hold was proven over nurture. Kelly was a wild soul, like him. Fast cars, surly attitude, a penchant for picking up women and dropping them just as fast. He'd just never been trapped by a woman yet. Played house. Tried boring. That Dawson girl… Kelly had said nothing about their connection but it didn't matter. She wouldn't last long.

Bitter and heart-sore at Katie's dismissal _weren't girls supposed to be easier than boys?_ Benny paid the check. Let the coffee work its way through him before putting away his wallet and pulling out his phone to call Kelly. He stood up to leave, anticipating a heated conversation, only to get his son's voicemail. Benny thought to return Kelly's favour.

"Listen kid. Kiss Boden's ass all you want. You're still my son. You're still me through to your bones Kelly. Your life is patterned out for you in my wake. Just admit it and get that chip off your shoulder. It must be so nice to never have an original thought or plan of your own, to use me…"

Benny went on as he pushed the diner doors open and searched for his car in the parking lot. Maybe it was time to get out of town for the moment. Kelly didn't need him. He was fine. Benny felt like he'd wasted a tank full of gas to be angry and defeated. He slammed the truck door closed. Finally hung up the phone and tossed it on his dashboard. He was tired of trying for anyone.

 _11:00 AM_

The neighbourhood kids were playing in the water spraying from the fire hydrant and Dawson was amused beyond all reason. She was watching Kelly, who was watching the kids with a look of mixed consternation and humour. His job dictated that he react in one way to this turn of events but Dawson figured it was his day off and not his problem and he didn't have tools to fix the broken top valve with him and it was summer and hot for Chicago. They were standing on her front steps and he was just staring at the kids. Dawson laughed. She threaded her fingers through his and brought their joined hands to her lips for a kiss. Kelly turned to smile at her. He truly was breathtaking when he didn't put an act on. When he was as guileless as a kid, comfortable in his surroundings.

"Come on you. I need more than coffee to sustain me!"

"Not my fault you don't have groceries, Bri"

"Somebody wanted to come straight back after shift" she snarked with a quick squeeze of her hand in his.

"Someone didn't mind being eaten for breakfast"

Dawson lost control of her blush. Kelly smirked. Kissed her long and soft on the lips, and Dawson had the strange double feeling of getting lost in the kiss while being found in his arms. She held it close. Reveled in it as Kelly nibbled at her lips which always made her giggle. Which seemed to always make him smile just so. With both sides of his mouth and a crease in his nose. It was like his whole face got lifted up without him knowing it. She loved being the reason. She kissed him back, never content to be a passive participant to his passion and that swept up feeling, that blue flame at the center of what she labeled _us_. It greeted her with such fervency she wondered how she had ever walked away from it. This. What she and Kelly were. Dawson couldn't name it but she recognized it was rare. Should have realized it sooner when Kelly, the consummate playboy and commitment phobe dropped all pretense just to try at it. Dawson smiled wide thinking just how lucky she was.

"Kelllllly," she fake whined. "What. Did. I. Tell. You. About. Breakfast."

She punctuated each word with her head hitting his sternum. Kelly belly laughed and she was glad. She wanted to distract him from thinking about his dad and Boden. His phone had buzzed with a call earlier. She'd watched him scowl and ignore it. Heard the beep of a voicemail. Noticed how his shoulders rounded as he slumped inward, sitting at the edge of her bed. So she'd wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and whisper sung to him in Spanish until he'd turned around to toss her back into the sheets.

Dawson looked up at him now and saw only mischief. He wasn't worrying about a thing.

"Palace Grill?" he suggested warmly.

"Yay! Breakfast all day!" Dawson fist pumped and did a little dance.

She watched Kelly snort at her antics but didn't care. Dawson had no qualms about being herself around him. Plus, her goal was distraction. Kelly was not allowed to listen to that voicemail, or look at his phone or think about anything at all serious for the next few hours. They were off shift. The firehouse would be there in thirty-six hours and change. Plus she had her shift at Molly's in the evening. She was greedy to spend time with him away from all the prying eyes and awkwardness. Dawson no longer wavered in the face of such scrutiny but still found it exhausting. She was not going to defend her choices forever. She was going to live them. And she lived in choosing Kelly, her Sev, with all the aplomb she could muster. For all her brashness Dawson was a good girl. She suspected the same was true for Kelly. More than suspected. She knew his heart was a fragile earnest thing underneath his casual demeanour. His reaction to Heather and desire to see Andy's sons confirmed it. It made her protective instincts burn fiercely. Kelly hadn't argued. He let her say her piece and seethe at Heather to the point of almost slapping her before stepping in. He had wanted someone in his corner. Someone to protect him even if he didn't really know how to ask and she was more than ready to do so and more.

Kelly kissed her hand. Held it, while he wrapped his other arm around her waist and led her to his car.

"Promenade after?"

Dawson glanced up at him but Kelly was looking forward, searching for his car as though he hadn't just asked her a question. Trying to play it cool. She smiled. Her boyfriend, _he was her boyfriend right?_ , wanted to hold hands and take a walk with her. Dawson squeezed his hand reflexively.

"Yeah sure" Her tone was nonchalant but inside she was happy. Dawson knew she and Kelly were volatile people sometimes. That getting him to talk sometimes could be like pulling teeth. That he would always prefer to keep things close to the vest. The instinct to self-protect was strong in him and she couldn't fault that with Benny as a father and his mother dead. They haven't even touched that subject yet.

She leaned into him and breathed deeply. He was walking without any issues, not even a flinch of pain, capable of accommodating her shorter stride as they crossed the street and he went to open her door like a gentleman. It was the small things that killed her with him. She imagined his mother must have taught him the manners he so rarely used. It wasn't a production. He didn't make a big deal out of it. Kelly just slid his hand from her waist to the small of her back and guided her into her seat like a princess and bounded around to his side with a grin. His smile was infectious. Dawson ignored the niggling worry at the back of her head about Casey. How it bothered Kelly that they might never make up but not enough to give her up. It was selfish but so was she when it came to him. Dawson hadn't figured out what to do about his problem with Casey. Wasn't sure if there was a solution at all. She cared for both of them and hoped it wouldn't come down to something as absurd as choosing sides. Dawson listened to Kelly open the throttle and rear down the road, flying by the kids who squealed and shrieked around the fire hydrant. Chicago only had two seasons really. Winter and construction. Someone would come by to fix it eventually.

Construction was what had Casey doing a build-out with a couple of other guys, all three of them sweating in the midday heat, bottles of water at the ready. Casey was irritated and hot, the sweat a nuisance soaking his white tee shirt and slipping into his eyes. He also had the awkward beginnings of a sunburned neck, if he wasn't careful. Usually, this amused him: the thought of a firefighter being burned by anything other than fire.

He wasn't sure if this was funny really but any bit of levity helped with the monotony of nail and hammer and saw. He could feel the grit of sawdust and dirt all along his forearms. The morning had felt long enough as it was without his sister calling to say mom had missed a check-in with her parole officer and she wasn't covering for her again. She refused to field these sort of inquiries if mom was going to keep being so inconsiderate. And his sister was saying all this to him, the man who had their mother living in his home for several weeks with her mood swings and poor impulse control. Everything just sucked at the moment and pounding a nail into a piece of plywood should have helped but didn't. All he had was a headache.

The situation with Gabi was just plain galling. He still didn't know how long it'd been going on. Shay, as much as she also disapproved, wouldn't give him that information during last shift's discussion. Everything about the encounter annoyed him. Made the whole situation feel worse than he hoped it was. She'd asked him if he trusted Gabi and he wanted to say yes but in the wake of Voight, their arguments and distance, the secret relationship with Severide and everything else, it was really hard to know anymore. He wanted to trust her. Knew she'd drop everything to help him with something if he asked. She had done so in the past without pause. But everything over the last several months had been false starts. His and hers and he was hurt, shocked, _furious_ at what she had done in the midst of their estrangement.

He blamed Kelly. One hundred percent. Blamed it on his charm and his insatiable knack for being just bad boy enough to keep women intrigued. It shouldn't have worked on Gabi. He was still trying to work out when this could have possibly looked like a good idea to her. He wasn't saying Kelly was a bad guy. In a firefight, he was a solid backup, a dependable leader but shit on calling out orders and commands when you really needed it which was how Andy ended up in a backdraft, his death seared into Casey's retinas until the failing of all memory. Where in the last few months had he failed so badly that Gabi sought him out? Casey bit back a curse as he fumbled a hammer onto his thumb accidentally.

He couldn't admit this to himself. Not yet. But he'd been emotionally cheating on Hallie with Gabi for a long while before she fled to Africa. Seeking Gabi out. Allowing her to take up space in his head and his heart that he should have given to Hallie. He was cautious by nature. Casey didn't like to hurt people and he stayed with Hallie, loved her and was loyal in all the right and obvious ways while wanting something different. It was okay to want something different right? No harm in feeling desire if you didn't act on it. Right? So he'd waited. Put Gabi on hold out of respect while still wanting what he could have of her. Pissed off as Casey was about the current situation, if he was thinking rationally he would see how he'd gotten it wrong. You couldn't play it both ways and expect to get what you really wanted. Someone was always dissatisfied. One person always got hurt into the bargain. He had thoughtlessly taken for granted that if Gabi was waiting for him, she would always do so. No one ever expects the game to change midstream. Why should it? What could possibly alter the path they'd both silently wanted but never addressed out loud until he awkwardly gave her the brushoff at that holiday party.

He wished he could go back in time and take it back. Casey wanted so badly to kiss her that night but so much was going on and going through his head and she was beautiful and forthright, asking him out instead of waiting and he froze. Panicked maybe. He didn't really overthink it then but now, all he could think about was another what if situation where he'd kissed her. Taken her home that night. Shown her what she meant to him and how much. Casey wasn't good with words. He choked up. Intense emotion made it worse and he truly cared about Gabi. Worried about the aftermath where Kelly went on his merry way and she had to work alongside a Grade A jerk. What the hell was she even thinking?!

On impulse. He reached out. Fired off a text asking to talk sometime before next shift. He really needed to understand. She thought Kelly wasn't a mistake. This, despite the inevitable fallout when they broke up and all the men wanted to maim him for her. Casey took a sip of water. Called out _lunch!_ Stared at his phone waiting for her response. He wanted to trust her again. It had never been an issue before Voight. He knew she was loyal. That she would do anything for her family. He just wished she had talked to him before going to Voight. He wished she had trusted him enough to be upfront and tell him her plan in case things went wrong. Hindsight was twenty twenty and all that but she didn't seem to regret the choice to speak to that scumbag. She definitely didn't regret Kelly for some reason.

Casey wiggled his thumb experimentally. It wasn't broken. It'd been fifteen minutes without a response from her. He couldn't keep staring at his phone. Waiting.

 _3:00 PM_

Kelly peered at Bri while she licked at the chocolate ice cream melting between her fingers. She ate like it was both the last thing she'd ever eat and the one thing she tried to savour all at once. And oh dear god the _sounds_. They were sitting on a bench in Millennium Park after walking the promenade. It was midweek, so most of the people walking about were either tourists or scurrying to work. One summer kids program was wreaking havoc to his immediate right but Kelly only had eyes for Bri, as she sighed and slurped eagerly at her treat. He told her she should have gotten it in a bowl. But did Bri listen? Nope! Not that he minded. He totally understood the appeal of a good waffle cone, slightly soft and filled with melty ice cream goodness. But at the rate she was going…

"Need a little help there?"

Dark brown eyes looked up, tongue peeking out. Absolutely absurd. Totally adorable. She slanted her eyes at him in what he could only assume was a glare. It held no power. Kelly reached over and licked along her cone, the rasp of his two day stubble grazing her wrist as he took a bite. He looked her straight in the eyes while he did it. She could have pulled away but didn't. He took another small bite. Quirked his lips to the side as the cold dessert slid down his throat. It was good. He told her so as he produced two paper napkins from his jeans pocket and proceeded to wipe halfheartedly at her messy fingers. Bri just kept on looking at him. He couldn't describe it. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen it before. She looked like she was trying to hide something but could only half contain it. Like she was trying really hard not to stare at something in his teeth and give herself away. Bri didn't have a poker face. Slowly she went back to work on her cone as he watched. Nibbling away at the waffle as she licked the ice cream sideways round and round in a circle. She wouldn't look at him. It didn't worry Kelly because a slow creeping blush was building up the long column of her neck into her cheeks. It was faint. He'd barely noticed it when they first started sleeping together. But Bri's blush was precious to him. It was so hard to see, and rarely occurred to begin with, but he drew it from her consistently and without really thinking about it. He wanted to ask what he'd done this time. Sometimes she blushed when she was embarrassed, sometimes angry. He could usually tell when her cheeks got hot even when he didn't see the pink. She usually breathed in and out slowly to calm herself down. Pulled her hair off her neck because it became heavy and troublesome. He wondered how long she'd wait to cut it. He'd never expressly said she shouldn't. He liked it long but it was also impractical and Bri was usually, a very practical person. It was swinging down her back at the moment, tousled and slightly curly because she was more hungry than vain when they left for the diner.

He noticed her. Constantly. And they didn't have to talk all the time. She was content to eat her waffle cone down to the nub, blushing, while he watched, the chatter of the city surrounding them. They'd known each other for a long time before getting to this part so nothing felt really awkward. He couldn't tell her everything. She wasn't Shay. Except, come to think of it. They'd become their own thing outside of Shay and he relied on her more to discuss the shit happening with his dad and the firehouse than anyone else. Partially because they were the drama. Which was stupid and nobody's business but theirs. They were more than professional at work, on the job. You know, aside from that moment by his car last shift. Which he'd really needed to hear it turned out. She wasn't giving him up. She had used the word never.

It was hard to believe in promises. To believe in people sticking around. He acknowledged he had a knee jerk reaction to the idea of anyone saying they would just be there. He was trying to be better about a lot of things and he could see how Bri was doing the same. Sometimes it felt strange to realize that one of the people who you'd been around constantly for years was still someone you didn't know completely. He understood the deep determination in Bri. How her stubbornness was both foolhardy and the building block of her sanity. It was what kept her going on bad calls through horrific scenes. But these unexplored soft parts, her uncertainty and anxiety about what people thought. Kelly thought it was frustrating to see someone so smart and wonderful make herself small. She did it often with her self-deprecating jokes and the way compliments slid off her back uselessly. Which reminded him.

"You know you're beautiful right?"

Bri's face was a perfect mask of shock, ice cream dripping onto the ground as she stared at him, chuckled a little nervously and shook her head.

"I think you're sugar high Sev. I'm covered in ice cream, my hair is tangled and-"

"Oh my god woman. Take the compliment!"

He watched her cock her head at an angle to really look at him. Bri seemed genuinely confused. Like it made no sense for him to be saying it despite all that had gone before between them. He knew he didn't say it often and never enough. But he didn't want it to feel like a line. Like something he would say to get a woman into bed. How did he tell this particular woman? He was struggling to explain even to himself, what made her so different. He could see the wheels spinning in her head, probably a long list and images of his conquests. Kelly groaned. Took the messy remnants of her cone and ate it, his eyes fixed on hers as he tried to think this through. She let him eat the cone without protest. She didn't respond or give him more rope to hang himself and he knew she knew he was a sucker for the dimples above her butt, for her nose but that wasn't nearly enough.

He took her messy hands in his now equally sticky hands and grinned.

"I told you I sucked at this"

She snort laughed in agreement and he had to smile. Bri wasn't fazed by his brashness. She seemed to like his rough corners more than his charm. He lifted each sticky hand to his lips for a kiss and her laugh grew louder, drew stares and looks but Bri didn't notice. Wasn't worried about anyone else in the moment. He held her captive and was glad.

"I don't think you realize how absolutely gorgeous you are. You were…" he paused to rifle through all their memories together and settled on the one that started it all. "I thought you were beautiful, tequila fighting drunk and defending your cooking skills. But then the next morning, you were just there, sitting at your table and beaming and your hair was bobbing and I just…"

Kelly kissed her knuckles. Gave Bri the tiniest nod of amusement at their chocolate stained hands and, "why do you think i stayed that morning Bri? You sucked me in. You. There you were, long legs and soft eyes and this perfect perfect smile because I loved your food even though you were trying to be chill and it was over. I just didn't know it yet."

He didn't know how else to put it. Bri was beautiful to him. He figured he'd been cheesy enough when she fake cuffed him on the shoulder with her shoulder. Kelly realized she was just as uncomfortable with this as he was struggling to say it. But she didn't let go of his fingers. She leaned her head into the crook of his neck, mumbled, _thank you Kelly_ like suddenly she was shy and maybe in this, she was. He was still getting to know her beyond the bedroom. They were still going to make mistakes and learn from each other. He cherished the chance she'd given them despite all the objections from Shay. When she lifted her head, he kissed her with all he had and prayed she understood what he meant by all of it.

It was difficult to stop worrying but Shay tried. Legs crossed in lotus position. Hands upturned on her knees. Eyes closed. Angie was talking soft and low in the background. The sound of water trickling over rocks echoed in her loft. Shay thought it was annoying. The drip like a leaky faucet or worse, rain falling through a hole in her roof. She imagined all manner of scenarios. Her nose twitched. She felt her heart beating wildly in its cage.

"You're not paying attention"

"I am!" Shay insisted but of course she was lying.

Anxiety had a hold of her. Last shift had been awful in a myriad of small but implosive ways. The crew was falling apart. Her second family and it was all Kel's fault and she was trying not to resent him. She was trying not to worry but every time she thought of Casey's face, how he didn't trust Dawson anymore because she was dating Kel… She realized she could never tell Dawson. It was hurtful in a way that wasn't productive. A choice she made was somehow just as reprehensible as bargaining with Voight.

Or maybe Kel compounded with Voight was Casey's issue with Dawson? It was hard to know. No one was saying anything real. It was all echoes and silence. Casey's jaw grinding in its socket while she stared. Kel blinking off into the distance before blinking back at her, wary as ever since their disagreement about Dawson. What a cruel way for all their friendships to end. With love as the precipitating incident. As the fault line on which all else fell. It didn't bear the scrutiny of her anxiety. It didn't matter quite that much. And yet it did. Kelly and Dawson were a combustible match. They were only at the beginnings of their feelings right now. They didn't know they were in love. Well, Kelly didn't, she wagered. Dawson, with her soft heart and her propensity for long crushes, had probably talked herself out of and into it a dozen times without telling her. Shay sighed deeply. Her friends weren't talking to her like they used to. She'd put them on the defense and she wasn't certain how to navigate her very reasonable panic about their relationship with the bone deep reality that she would always be there for either of them. No matter what. Except-

"You can't control what happens Leslie. And what happens won't be your fault"

Leave it to an artist to make things so simple as to entirely miss the point. Shay smiled at her girlfriend as she came to kneel on the floor beside her. She knew it wouldn't be her fault. She knew she couldn't control the outcome but damn if she didn't want to take care of her loved ones the best way she knew how. Angie kissed her sweetly on the lips, flashed impossibly green eyes at her and continued.

"All you can really do is choose who to be there for. You love these people. You care about them and have known them all a long time. But you cannot be everything to everyone Leslie Shay. Your job does not need to be your entire life and way you interact with people".

Sometimes Shay forgot that Angie was a psych minor in college, with a psychiatrist for a mother. She liked to joke about being remarkably well-adjusted for a lifetime under a microscope. Shay smiled ruefully at the brunette. Angie was wiser than she appeared at first glance. And maybe the most intense sex she'd had in a long time…

"You're saying I should stop caring about someone?"

"No. I'm saying prioritize. You're trying to cover all the bases and make sure the sky doesn't fall but really, what is the worst thing that could happen here?"

Shay wasn't sure how to articulate that a change in the flow of the firehouse felt like a very bad thing. That in a job where you depended on those around you to keep you safe and sane in treacherous situations, such animosity meant someone would either leave or get transferred because Boden needed a disciplined team. Shay didn't want anyone to leave. Didn't want friendships that she had watched play out with glee and wisecracks, to fall apart because of death and accusation. She was surrounded by good caring people. Whenever a substitute came in to fill the shoes of her family, like Campbell did for Kelly, it was wrong. It just felt wrong and she couldn't stomach such changes being permanent.

"They're family. What the fuck wouldn't you do for family?" she asked finally, incapable of saying out loud her worst nightmare of an outcome in this situation: that Kelly got transferred for being the upstart rebellious lieutenant at fault for everything. Or that the joy and fun of 51 was permanently replaced by the bitterness of their two lieutenants constant squabbling.

"Kelly is family." Angie said quietly. Calling Shay out. Recognizing, like she had early on, how very important the man was to her. "Focus on Kelly. You've told me so much about him and I know it hurts you that he's pulling away. Stop trying to fix the situation. He doesn't want that."

 _Even if it's the smart play?_ Shay wondered. She was resigned to the fact that Kelly and Dawson were together. That until they got their heads outta their asses, they would fumble and continue to be the catalyst for Casey's ire in ways she didn't think possible. And underneath her anxiety, below her nitpicking at Kelly and constant glances at Dawson she was so happy for them it was insane. Except she thought they were both insane for even attempting it. She'd told Dawson the worst of Kelly's sexcapades. Kelly had heard about the occasional near physical altercations that Dawson had with belligerent bystanders when taking care of a patient. Never mind that they'd both known each other longer than she had. It felt bizarre to think this was a possibility all along…

"Hey, babe you wanna go to the bar?"

Shay definitely wanted a drink.

 _7:00 PM_

Molly's was loud. A Wednesday night baseball game and Dawson was washing glasses as quickly as they were being used. Hermann was reveling in it. He was so excited when they had great nights. When the bar seemed a worthy enterprise after all the money they'd sunk into it. He'd already called in Otis and Zoya because it was that busy. And Hermann was still vaguely protective of her after that one incident with a frat boy. They kept a baseball bat behind the bar now. Shay had offered her very illegal while on shift taser. The point was: they needed all hands. She needed to take a look at the books to make sure they were floating as high as she thought once the night was over. It might be wise to install better cameras and a security system with all the alcohol they kept on the premises…

"D"

Her smile was automatic and wide. It'd been the perfect day. Just what she needed and Kelly as well. He had been sweet and present in spite of his father's sudden visit. She'd basically ignored her phone until she couldn't. Casey had texted and she'd told him she was working tonight but maybe they could meet tomorrow? She wanted to talk to Kelly about it before she did anything. She was learning. Slowly. They were their own team. Had to be when everyone disapproved. Dawson wasn't going to do what she did with Mills or Casey again.

"What do you need Kelly?"

He gave her the look that said all of his most inappropriate responses but merely raised his glass for another beer. She took his glass while giving him a kiss on his cheek. Her lipstick was a perfect red pout on his cheekbone. You know, to mark her territory. Capp was sitting with him. Which was good since she couldn't pay too much attention to him when the bar was so busy. Dawson could barely hear herself think let alone all the drink orders.

"He's gonna be here all night isn't he?" Hermann yelled over the noise.

"Who? Kelly?" she responded as she poured his beer with a smile. "Yeah probably."

"Never seen him like this. So for what it's worth. I'm happy for you. But you two are positively nauseating."

She threw a towel at him before turning back to the bartop with a grin on her face. They didn't do cutesy. Dawson was certain about that. Kelly especially had a reputation to maintain. She gave Kelly his beer and chatted with another sometimes regular who was frowning at the television, and Dawson put out barbecue chips and popcorn, stealing a handful for herself because they hadn't stopped for dinner and for a minute her whole world stopped. Life was good. She never believed in perfect. People were people. But she'd had a great day. Her guy thought she was beautiful and she felt beautiful even in her tee shirt and jeans at the moment. Tonight, again, she wouldn't buy groceries because it'd be too late when she left and they'd probably find a diner halfway between her place and his to eat before maybe going their separate ways to spend a day apart before another shift at the firehouse. They weren't joined at the hip. That would be weird and annoying and they already saw each other so much because of work that sometimes they'd go a week without really seeing each other.

She didn't want to be cloying. Was afraid of her intensity being too much. Sometimes it felt like all the unspent, unrequited yearning for Casey was bound up in her fierce bond with Kelly. All blue flame. Just the deep center of a fire without the bright flickering danger. Like all the passion and feeling she could contain was now cupped in the space between them. Between his earnest fervent declarations and her breathless desire for all he could give and more. Dawson felt the tightening of everything in her body like a waterfall. The sex definitely didn't hurt but she felt more for him than that. She flicked her eyes briefly over to his stool. He was staring at her. While talking to Capp. She couldn't help that she got a kick out of that.

"Dawson!" she snatched her eyes back from Kelly to find Shay and Angie sitting tipsy and smiling in front of her.

"Barhopping without me Shay? I see how it is." she pretended to wipe a tear from her eye while making their usuals. Gin and tonic for Angie. Tequila with lime for Shay. On impulse she took down a shot glass for herself and poured some out. She looked Shay in the eye. The blonde's smile widened as they all clinked glasses and she gulped her Cuervo in one go with a smack of the glass on wood.

"Dawson!"

"Hermann!" she replied in a sing-song voice over the din. He was going to say something about drinking their profits. He was going to play dad. But Shay slapped her money on the bar with her tongue sticking out and then they were all laughing. Hermann with a towel over one shoulder like an old school barkeep, Dawson in a server's apron. She wasn't even mad that Otis and Zoya were no shows. Apparently the game was turning, the Cubs were coming back from a several run deficit. She didn't pretend to know sports that well. She was just happy the mood was improving, all around her. Angie was being sweet with Shay, asking for water and sliding popcorn in front of the smaller woman. She wondered if Angie had brought them here so that Shay would calm down with the drinking. If being around her work friends was supposed to keep Shay in line. Because if Angie thought that, she was in the exact wrong bar and when Shay tapped the lip of her shot glass for more, Dawson gave the woman what she was looking for. But also poured two highballs full of cold water and Angie's smile of thanks was enough to make her squeeze the woman's hand in response. She'd seen Shay on a bender before. She wouldn't let Angie take care of her alone. Not after… wait, how long had they been dating now? Three months. They'd met the night Shay didn't come home and she broke it off with Kelly, again, on his couch and then his couch… She briefly raised her eyes to look at him. Looked at the bartop. Looked at the far table near the door. Felt her thighs begin to slide out from under her.

Dawson looked at Hermann.

"I need a minute. Can you cover the bar til i get back?"

"Yeah, I'll call Otis again and tell him we're buying his stake in the bar. That should get him here faster,"

She snorted a laugh and took off her apron. Told Shay and Angie she'd be back in a few before running past the bartop without a glance at anyone, her face flushing. Dawson walked into the back office and sat at the desk with her head in her hands, breathing. Sometimes the lust was straight up infuriating. Her thighs felt weak. She was already halfway there in her head with the memories.

"Bri" she knew that voice. She knew that tone. Everything in her lower body was on a hair trigger.

"Oh god Sev. We can't. We really fucking can't. It's a full bar. Hermann needs backup. I just needed a minute."

"So? Let me give you a minute. Sit on the desk baby."

Against all common sense, Dawson looked up. Kelly was rocking a semi in his jeans and a moan slipped out of her. He was leaning against the closed and locked office door.

"You think Hermann didn't notice you leave?"

"You think Hermann cares? Get on the desk Bri. Unbutton your jeans. You get exactly one minute."

Dawson paused for all of ten seconds before she walked around the desk and sat down on it across from him. She unbuttoned her jeans, curious where he was going with this as she flicked her hair over her shoulder and waited. Dawson watched his nostrils flare with his arms crossed on his chest.

"That. That right there is the sexiest thing you could ever do"

"You just like my hair long" she retorted with a rasp in her voice. Her mouth felt dry. He was still leaning against the door and staring at her. Kelly gave her a look that had her unzipping her jeans but he still wasn't moving towards her.

"What are you waiting for?" he whispered. "I wanna watch"

 _Oh. fuuuuck._

"Kelly…"

"Bri. I find it very very hard to keep my hands off you. But I will. I'm going to. Because Hermann's out there and he needs backup and we are being very bad friends and I don't care. You're going to listen to me say every single thing I want to do to you while you touch yourself on that desk. You're going to look right at me while you do it. No hiding. You're going to see exactly what you do to me and you are going to have to be very very quiet"

Yeah, those were her legs shaking. Dawson slipped her fingers between the elastic of her panties and her skin and trailed them down to her core. She moved her fingers in a circle on her clit and stifled a groan. She was halfway there before he was even in the room but now...

"Like this?" her voice was high and tight. She watched Kelly adjust himself in his jeans and choked off the sound that wanted to leave her mouth.

"Jesus woman. Watching you like this is something I never thought I'd see. I don't think I even let myself imagine it"

"Liar"

She loved the laugh he gave at that as he wiped his thumb across his lower lip, eyes glued to her fingers hidden from his view. "So aren't you going to tell me?" she taunted. On one level, this was embarrassing. The light fixture was a flickering fluorescent and baseline unflattering. These were not her sexy panties, just soft pink cotton and comfort grade elastic. Just comfortable worn clothes for a long night of standing behind the bar. She was wearing her ratty red Converse, one shoelace untied at the ankle.

"I want to bend you over that desk and tie you down. I want to lay you out on top of it and suck on your clit til your lungs give out..." Kelly murmured and Dawson closed her eyes, "No no no Bri. Eyes open. On me. Right now."

She felt him move closer and her eyes opened slowly. He was palming himself through his jeans and she whimpered. He was halfway between her and the office door, eyes heavy lidded, that little gap between his front teeth killing her. His breathing as fast and uneven as hers she couldn't decide between looking at his face or his hand when he decided for her by taking two steps closer til she was surrounded by the scent of him. Til he stood just outside of the vee of her thighs, looking down at her fingers and she only wanted him closer still.

"You only get a minute Bri."

She was dating a gorgeous asshole.

Fifteen minutes later, she was walking back into the bar, Kelly pressed up against her back, kissing her hair as they checked out the room. Otis and Zoya were finally serving. Hermann gave her a smirk she ignored. Kelly had gotten no relief at all and his arms were around her waist shuffling her forward as she giggled.

"You're coming to my place tonight" he murmured.

"I guess you really like me quiet huh?"

He tugged her earlobe with his teeth for that and she knocked him backwards with her hips and the groan she won from Kelly was worth almost any mocking from Hermann. She strolled behind the bar and tugged on her apron while Kelly returned to his stool and she heard him get ribbed by Capp. Dawson looked over at Hermann who was drying glasses now that he had a break.

"Disgusting. Both of you" but Hermann was smiling and Dawson just shrugged. Her body was buzzing and light. She knew she was flushed because Kelly had told her and she made quick work of a braid down the left side of her head to make her look more put together than she actually felt.

"I didn't tell him to follow me Hermann"

Hermann continue to talk smack while Shay was shaking her head and Angie just smiled like she knew how it was. Dawson didn't care. They could all think what they liked. She and Kelly both knew what had actually happened. Kelly was certainly talented. She poured Angie another gin and tonic. It sounded like the Cubs were up a run but the game wasn't what she wanted to focus on just now. Dawson poured out three tequila shots. She gave one to Shay. Handed the second to Hermann and held hers high to toast.

"To getting everything we want!" She was buzzing and flushed and hungry for more. Also just hungry but she took her second tequila shot of the night with glee and looked right at Kelly when she was done. He was shaking his head _no more Cuervo_ and she stuck out her tongue with a grin. He grinned right back and leaned in to tell Capp something she probably didn't want to know but should.

"Gabi"

She turned her head to see Casey looking back and forth between Kelly and her with veiled actual disgust.

"I need a Bud Light and a minute of your time when you can."

Dawson began to worry she should have talked to Kelly sooner rather than later.

* * *

 _Thanks again for reading!_


	26. Chapter 26

**Some of you are going to be upset maybe with what happens in this chapter and I am bracing myself for that mentally. Please no flames. I respect constructive criticism and have incorporated it in the past. All I will say is that this plays out as I honestly believe all these characters might react. Make of that what you will.**

 **Disclaimer: All characters are the property of Dick Wolf et al.**

 **Enjoy. Review. Happy Holidays!**

* * *

 _10:00 PM_

He was pretending to watch the game and failing. He wasn't too drunk and Capp was being a great friend. Distracting him from the discord and awkwardness that had fallen like a hush over only one part of the crowded bar. It was the bottom of the sixth inning in a tied up game and he only needed to devote half of his brain to the score so he could watch Casey talk to Bri. Kelly wasn't being obnoxious or controlling. He knew she could take care of herself but Bri was sweet with the people she cared about most. Soft in a way that bent to their wills. He knew this from personal experience and Casey had more clout with her than most. He was remembering her on a cold sidewalk, not crying in January. He was seeing her with Casey at the head of the break room, reciting the worst harassment scenarios and half leaning in.

Right now, she was giving Casey her profile. The long braid of her hair was swinging between them while she made another cocktail and he was signaling for another beer. Her back was to Kelly as a result and while he loved the view. He didn't. She was tense and Hermann was giving Casey his beer with some wordless pleasantries. The only one in their crew who was drunk at the moment was Shay who was walking over to him with a determined look Kelly already knew spelled trouble. Angie's eyes looked dark and worried. Like she'd been trying to get through to Shay all evening to little avail.

"Kelly. Let's go home"

Shay said it with the slight slur that told him she was in the mulish phase of her drinking pattern. She had her mind set on something and right now it was him and his glance at Angie told him she'd tried to reason with his tiny roommate, probably more than once. He put a hand on each of Shay's cheeks and smiled down at her.

"I don't leave her alone when she works the late shift, Shay"

"She'd hardly be alone!"

"She locks up and handles the till. Hermann has kids to go home to. Otis isn't that responsible and Zoya isn't an owner."

He knew he was trying to rationalize with a drunk person but he did it anyway. Kelly never wanted Shay to feel dismissed or like her thoughts didn't count. Capp made space for Angie at the bar to ask for some water while Kelly negotiated with his roommate who wasn't _entirely_ illogical just yet. Shay sighed as she glanced behind her.

"I don't like it."

"Well you haven't liked much these last few months besides Angie" he joked.

"Kelly-"

"What did I tell you Leslie?"

Angie interrupted his roommate quietly as she handed the blonde a glass of water and gestured her to drink. Kelly spared a look at Capp who was watching after Bri without asking and Otis was leaning over the bar talking to Casey, an uneasy look on his face. Loyalty. It was a beautiful thing. He hadn't asked it of anyone but Capp was still doing it and Shay was trying to save him from himself and Bri was in the middle of the whole thing. Looking cautious, losing some of the joy and light she'd had before Casey's arrival. He resented the other lieutenant for that. Bri wasn't avoiding Casey or him though. Earlier she'd mouthed the word _pizza_? and he'd ordered pies that still hadn't arrived…

"Angie thinks I should just let the firehouse fall to pieces around me while you and Casey explode"

"That's not what i said" Angie chided and Kelly glanced back at his roommate with a frown.

"Why is that your job? How are you responsible?"

Kelly pressed. Shay had been telling him since day one that sleeping with Bri was a bad idea. That she'd always loved Casey. That sleeping with her was going to destroy what was left of their friendship. And when she went running back to the blond lieutenant things would be that much worse for all of them. For him. Her priority had always been him but the long game not the short play and much as he loved Leslie Shay, he didn't live his life for the long game. So many people never got it. He and Bri were earnestly trying this and yeah, he lived his life to avoid heartbreaks. But he also lived his life taking 100% of the chances he was given and Bri was a chance he'd never planned for. So she was worth more because she was the thing he never saw coming in all of his life's predictable tricks and left turns.

Kelly kissed Shay on the forehead to smooth out the wrinkles forming there.

"You get to say I told you so when she leaves me. Alright?"

"Kel…"

"Shay." He looked up at Angie with a commiserating shake of his head for the drunk stubborn blonde in front of him. "You can't change my feelings or choices. Or Dawson's. Or Casey's. We're all gonna feel what we feel and do what we want about it. And I'm with Dawson until she says otherwise."

Bri glanced over just then and he caught her eyes with his signalling that the pizza wasn't here yet and she frowned a little. Put down the towel she was holding and walked over to their end of the bar. Everyone smiled and put in drink orders but Bri only had eyes for him.

"Before this night gets anymore tense Kelly I need to tell you that Casey texted me earlier today asking to meet up." Kelly immediately tensed and Bri put her hands up in a calming gesture. Shay stared at him worriedly. "I told him I was working tonight. I did not suggest he come by. I asked if we could meet tomorrow because I wanted to talk to you about it after my bar shift before I did anything"

"But he didn't listen" Kelly watched Bri shrug her stiff shoulder.

"It's a free country. The bar is a public space. I still don't have time to engage in a lengthy conversation with him about anything because it's busy in here. He could just be making a point about wanting me to know that he's determined to talk to me."

"Capp. Correct me if I'm wrong but doesn't that have a mild hint of intimidation?"

Kelly asked just to make sure he was hearing her right. He didn't think Casey would lay hands on her. On any woman. But showing up and insisting on an uncomfortable conversation in front of witnesses was the sort of thing abusers did to assert control of rapidly spiraling situations. He'd seen it too often and he was just buzzed enough to be feeling irrational. Capp responded quietly in the affirmative but didn't sound pleased with his statement and Bri wrapped her hand around Kelly's bicep. She looked at each of her friends in turn, ending on Angie's face as a newcomer to their world.

"I can handle it. Kelly, I just wanted you to know in case shit got said." He nodded his thanks. He couldn't speak around the indignation sitting deep in his throat and Bri being Bri, saw this, and kissed his cheek gently. "Now if someone could track down the pizza that'd be great."

"You mean, this pizza?"

They all turned their heads to see Peter Mills holding two big white boxes with a toothy smile. "All I want in return is a large pitcher of Amstel light and maybe one slice if Gabi isn't too hungry."

Mills was sufficiently chill enough to break the serious moment. He handed the boxes over to Dawson behind the bar, chuckling at her ceaseless thank yous. Kelly went to size him up. His head was already in a protective tailspin over Bri and Mills had hurt her too. But the kid immediately turned from Bri to Kelly with that look on his face like he had a million questions about Squad and Kelly relaxed. Whatever agenda Mills might have with his girl, he wasn't pursuing them tonight.

Bri walked over with a pitcher for Mills. The kid was so surprised she'd actually done it, he fumbled over his thank yous. Said his sister was meeting up with him and wanted to get her hammered. Bri waved his money away while she navigated slices of pizza onto paper plates and put them in front of everyone. She served herself last, gobbling down half the slice even though it was very hot. The food spelled a temporary lull in tensions. Mills texted his sister while Angie convinced Shay to have more than two bites and Capp bitched about the game to him, but not really. They were all just ignoring the lieutenant sized elephant in the room as Otis snuck down the bar for a slice, then Hermann did.

The older firefighter sized them all up, forehead lines crinkled. No one said a word, busy chewing and drinking. Zoya was flirting with the baseball fans at the other end of the bar, pouring drinks. She was fine. At some point Cruz had come in and Kelly hadn't noticed. Cruz was talking to Otis' cousin like she was the only woman in the room. Otis didn't seem to be worried. Which was actually the most interesting part of the whole scenario. The crowd had settled in to watch the game, and loud though the bar still was, all activity had slowed a beat. The game was coming to the seventh inning stretch with no relief, game still tied up and some people were betting the odds of the Cubs pulling it out like it wasn't sacrilege to root against the home team. Their team.

"I hope you two make it work"

Kelly blinked away from his own observations to see Mills had been talking to him, a sad look in his eyes. He took a sip of his beer to cover for his lapse in concentration.

"Me and Dawson?"

Mills had never addressed him directly about it. He'd just steam rolled over it with his questions about making Squad and treated him no differently so Kelly had assumed they were cool. He watched the younger man nod.

"Yeah. She and Casey… You know the history better than me. Just saying, he wasn't so pleasant to deal with when we were dating."

"Pretty sure that's about you trying for Squad."

"Eh. I'm pretty sure it was both"

Mills responded with something like a smirk. The kid was smart, driven and had firefighting in his blood. Kelly had no reservations about having him on his team once he'd finished all the training and the spot was posted. He grinned wryly at the younger man, slapped his arm in a gesture of camaraderie to allay the awkwardness. Two men talking about the woman they had both dated and the complication of a third man in the mix. Kelly decided he hadn't had enough alcohol for that and chugged the rest of his beer.

"Probably. Sure didn't help your case huh?" he teased.

Mills shook his head no and they laughed. Kelly cuffed him in the shoulder and pretended not to see Bri smiling softly at the two of them getting along. He got how she felt her breakup with Mills was her fault. It was. You don't hide things like that from your partner. Mills was right to be hurt and he had never been so glad to reap the reward of what the younger man had tossed away with all the unchecked impulse of youth. He patted Mills on the back again and Mills gave him a look.

"You'll be good on Squad, Mills. And I won't razz you… much"

Kelly genuinely liked Mills quite apart from the situation with Bri. He had a good heart, wasn't prone to the sort of grudges he and Casey brewed like black coffee. His genuine desire to help people shone through. It was why he'd never said a cross word about Bri despite the manner of their breakup. A different guy would have swapped stories about their ex, given him the dirt. Kelly didn't want it and Mills wasn't giving it. He'd genuinely loved Bri for the brief time they were together. Kelly could respect that. It almost made him want to ask…

"I'll take care of her" he finally said.

Then after a pause, "but you're gonna help". As he'd planned Mills looked confused but gave a tentative _sure_ when Kelly grinned.

"You know how she is. That building on the waterfront-"

"Dude I know! I wasn't even on the comm! She scared the crap out of me!"

Kelly didn't respond to that statement right away. _Please hold_ still featured in his less pleasant dreams along with the sort of customer service call line hold music destined to drive you insane in under five minutes. He nodded quietly and took a long swig of his beer while Mills shook his head in distracted disbelief.

"She's crazy." Mills said into the lull of their conversation.

"Yeah she is… but we go into burning buildings for a living. So…"

"With backup!" Mills protested.

Yeah, he couldn't argue with that statement. Bri had gone into a sinking ship of a building to watch a young guy die trapped under a beam she could not move. He'd had a similar experience. It stuck with you whether you wanted it to or not. They hadn't really talked about it past his yelling at her not to do it again. It was kind of ludicrous in retrospect given all the chances he took and continued to take. Bri put up with his brand of crazy fairly well all things considered. He glanced at her for a second before turning back to Mills.

"Dawson's got a wild heart Mills. She'll do what she wants."

"That's damn poetic Severide. How'd you come up with it?"

Kelly tensed as Casey slid closer, leaning up on the bar with a bottle of Bud as Hermann offered him a slice of pizza. Kelly didn't respond and Hermann looked wary, herding Bri to the other end of the bar where customers clamored for refills and Otis settled in the middle distance with Zoya as cover. Kelly wanted to smile. They were already taking care of his girl. Taking her away from the potential fallout. They were all at least four beers deep at this hour, not too bad but enough to slow reaction times and shorten tempers. And Casey hadn't even asked if he could have a slice of the pizzas he bought. Mills slid a look at Kelly that was all sympathy and commiseration. He didn't need it. He got the girl. The girl who was pouring beer to some baseball fans, looking worried. She'd been trying to hide her concern since last shift. He hated it. He wanted to be worth all the hassle in her life, the upheaval with Casey, the awkwardness with Shay and the guys at Firehouse 51.

But he wasn't certain that he _was_ worth it for all that he refused to give her up. He'd listened to Benny's voicemail. Common courtesy or maybe just curiosity about how his dad would spin his place in Boden and Henry Mills' story. Instead he'd listened to his dad explain how they were so alike that he was spineless into the bargain. A doorway dancer of a son. He'd taken no responsibility at all. Kelly shook his head. Still didn't respond and took another long pull of his beer while Shay tugged on the back of his shirt, telling him to go home. Angie deftly seemed to guide the blonde to a table to sit down. Her panic and inebriation weren't helping him.

"Well come on Kelly! Speak up! Tell us!"

Casey was goading him. It happened on occasion. Before he was a lieutenant. Before he was in charge of anyone, when they were probies in different houses and he was gunning for Squad. Casey had needled him with quiet barbs about his work ethic and Kelly had snarked back. He'd proven Casey wrong. Been the youngest ever to make Squad, got transferred to 51 under Boden with Casey where they'd been together, for better or worse, ever since. He'd known the man a decade too long to not know which way the wind was going on this. Kelly turned away. Looked at Mills who was at his back without even asking. Looked at Capp whose wide cheery face was solemn and thought _fuck_.

Yes, Shay was right. She always was. The firehouse was a mess because of him and Bri. Because he'd made a choice he wasn't taking back and Casey couldn't handle it. He wasn't trying to rub it in and he wasn't asking for anyone's help. But Mills was still in his corner and Capp was glancing sideways and all behind the bar, people were already protecting his girl like family.

"Casey, man. Don't do this."

"You can't keep her from me. I want to talk to Gabi"

He could hear the slight slur in Casey's speech. It was the same as Shay's and Kelly backed away. Put his beer on the bar, slid back onto his stool, the one with a direct view down the length of the bar. To Bri, who Hermann was still herding towards Zoya gently.

"No one is keeping you from Dawson. She's working." interjected Mills into the silence. Their little corner of the bar was strained and awkward while everyone else crowed at the baseball game. And the _probie_ was sticking up for Kelly, dear god no.

"It's okay Mills. Just let him talk. Casey needs to vent like a big bad fire"

He couldn't resist the dig and Casey's scowl was a thing of fury. Kelly was tired of this shit. Of the snide offhand comments about his sexual exploits around the firehouse. It wasn't like Dawson didn't know. Casey's distrust of his motives was well and good as the guy who let the girl get away but his constant needling and holier than thou martyrdom were fucking exhausting. How did he do it? Just watching him pull this shit made Kelly want to tear his hair out. Casey already had blonde hair what the fuck did he need a halo for?

"You're pathetic." Casey spat out.

Kelly felt Capp slip around him from behind to create a barrier between the rest of the bar and the rising drama but ignored him. Capp was solid. Mills… he pressed the kid down onto his stool, as he stood, let a sneer curl his lip because Casey clearly, was letting go of the high road with spectacular force and he was curious how far the other man would take it.

"Stop drinking right now and go home Casey. I'm sure D will call you tomorrow."

It was meant to be placating. It really was. He offered Casey what he wanted, Dawson talking to him but it wasn't enough for the other man as he launched off on another rant.

"D is not her name! It's Gabi! What, you assign all your lays initials so you don't have to try and remember names?"

Kelly went quiet. Kelly went very very still. He'd cop to having sex with a lot of women. He'd cop to not remembering all of them. Especially if it had been several years and only a one time thing. But for as long as he remembered, he knew their names and sometimes their sexual preferences. He was a simple enough guy but he wasn't a complete asshole. He made no promises and he said so upfront.

"D is not a lay". He said it softly. It didn't matter if anyone else heard him or not. "D has never been a lay." It was a warning. She'd taken charge that first night and he'd gone along and nothing about them was as perfunctory as Casey made it sound. Dawson was something he wouldn't share, with anyone. He was greedy for everything about her when they first began and he was selfish with all that he had gathered since.

Casey snorted. "You're just like your father."

"Stop. Just fucking stop Casey," his neck was hot. Benny was a button Casey didn't press. They'd argued exactly once about who was worse off. Casey with the abusive dad murdered by his mom or Kelly with Benny acting like brass, pot stirring from the first day of every visit to the last. They'd decided it was a toss-up. Casey was burning their friendship to their ground if he said anything more.

"What? Where's the lie?"

The others were crowding around. Saying nothing. Just like if it happened at the house. It was no one's business but theirs, this argument. But there would always be witnesses.

"I am not my father and she is not yours to-"

"Like hell! You knew I liked her!"

"Actually no because you were with Hallie" Kelly reminded him sarcastically.

"Sev… _cariño_ " Kelly turned to see Bri's eyes wide and impossibly dark on them. She didn't say those names in public. Those names were for him alone like she could only be Bri when no one was around. When her brain short circuited into whatever it was in her that reached for him first. She was calling him hers, in front of Casey. She was leaning in from her side of the bar asking him to stop and for her he could. But he didn't start this fight. Not at all and he was pissed off on more than his own behalf. He glanced behind her to Hermann who looked more and more torn between his loyalty to Casey and whatever Dawson wanted. With a flick of his eyes Hermann drew closer, ready to pull Bri away. He knew that wouldn't be easy. Kelly turned to glare at Casey.

"I know she liked you. I know you've made her cry. Whatever awkward thing you guys had: _you didn't make a move_ "

"So you just thought fuck it? I'll fuck her and fuck whatever-" Casey shoved Kelly with every other word and the room seemed to dim around them as Kelly pushed Casey off.

"Hey! Shut up with that!" Kelly snarled.

"Was she drunk? Did you get her so fucked up she couldn't say-"

"Matt!" That was Shay. Maybe. But Casey was so far into the spiral he wasn't listening and Kelly felt no better his ears going hot. His neck. Every controlled possessive urge he'd been bottling up for months unfurling inside him as Casey hit trip wire after trip wire. Casey's hands bunched in his tee shirt and drew him in close. Hot breath hissing into Kelly's ear as he whispered.

" _You're gonna fuck her and leave her. Like Benny. You're gonna knock her up and_ -"

Kelly didn't remember the first punch. Or the second. Or the grappling choke of the other man's hands around his neck as he swung a third time for his stomach and Casey doubled over. He pelted Kelly hard with a cross once he bounced up, slowly on his heels, spat out the blood. Smiled coldly.

"Just like Benny. Where's the lie Kelly?" he goaded.

He felt the press of someone holding him back. He heard Bri calling down the bar for everyone to motherfucking stop. He didn't. He couldn't. Of course he was the screw up, the bad boy, the coward walking too small in his father's big shoes. Kelly pulled his arm all the way back and slugged his fist at Casey's jaw.

Villains always played to type.

* * *

 _Yeah okay hiding now!_


	27. Chapter 27

**AN: I had this super long note but then said screw it who wants that?!  
**

 **So to Nishea, curtis22,** **raven8989, crimeserieslover,** **Ghostwriter and all my reviewers thank you for your reviews. Oh my god is all I can say. Oh my god you guys are the best. I never expected such a vehemently positive response. Writing that last chapter was one thing. Posting it was another thing entirely. You guys made it worth it. Thank you for sticking with me.**

 **Disclaimer: The only character I own is Angie. All canon characters are the property of Dick Wolf, NBC et al.**

 **Further disclaimer: Sexual situations abound but are not deeply explicit.**

 **Hope everyone had a fantastic holiday. I'm plotting another cup of hot cocoa.  
**

* * *

 _1:00 am_

They didn't break too many glasses. They didn't incite a full-fledged bar brawl. These were good things. Dawson kept saying this over and over to herself. Except Casey maybe had a mild concussion, one black eye and a slightly broken nose. Kelly's neck was ringed in bruises and abrasions from where his chain had cut into his skin as Casey _dear god help her_ choked him. Kelly's face looked no better for the cut lip he sported and a bleeding laceration through his left eyebrow from the glass Casey had crushed his face into on the bar. He was lucky none had gotten into his eye. Both his blue eyes were still red from the near choking. Her men were vicious creatures.

And they were definitely both her men, sitting in two chairs in the back office as Hermann gave them the hell she couldn't. Not just yet. She was pissed off as well as embarrassed because Hermann was sitting at the desk she'd masturbated on no more than two hours prior and how the fuck had her evening gotten so far away from that? She knew why of course. It felt like Casey and Kelly had been leading up to this since July 4th. Since she and Kelly became public knowledge.

Casey had actually insinuated sexual assault but Kelly had thrown the first punch and she was so damn lucky her brother was a cop. She'd headed off any police involvement with one call and a round of free beers to the crowd which pissed off Hermann and Otis. She'd glared at them both and said, _they'd be suspended you assholes_. And no matter how furious she was at her men, she would always protect them. Always. If beer bought a little silence and turning up the game bought even more lost memories of the night she'd do it. In a heartbeat. But she couldn't hide them from Boden. He would see their faces in 24 hours and demand explanations. Probably bench Casey as a precaution because of his head or Kelly because of everything that was still wrong with him. Mills had taken an elbow to a cheekbone but his sister had finally shown up and taken him home. Everyone else was still in the bar. Drinking. Waiting for them. Pacing around in their aftermath.

"I am not a toy you get to fight over," she said finally. "You do not get to defend my honour for me".

Dawson ignored Kelly's small sound of protest in favour of staring right at Casey. His face looked like she'd never seen it. Haggard and miserable, the black eye startling around his blue iris. He'd been working himself too hard. She had not spared him more than the odd glance these last few months because she feared his disapproval so she didn't notice. Between everything she knew he'd been doing for Heather and his mom and all the rest. It made her feel guilty. Casey was her friend and he'd been alone with his problems because she'd been so focused on Kelly.

"Hermann's gonna take you home, Matt"

"I still need to talk to you"

Dawson pretended not to see how Kelly flexed and tensed with that statement. How he looked away, staring at the wall like he didn't want to see her talk to Casey. But he wasn't going to get in her way. Just as he'd promised. And he wasn't making excuses for his behaviour.

"We'll talk when you're sober. And maybe a tad apologetic…" Dawson stated firmly. It wasn't lost on her that Casey had grinned when Kelly lost his temper. That the look on his face had spelled, _I won_ even as Kelly pummelled him into the barroom floor. Kelly wasn't built for subtle or subterfuge. He didn't do mind games and Casey had needled him until he exploded and Dawson was so pissed. So angry at him for playing directly into Casey's hands because now the whole fight was his fault. He didn't have a leg to stand on and there was broken glass on the bar and embedded in his skin and she watched Hermann shuffle Casey out by his elbow without feeling anything but tired. Feeling hollow. She used to live for Casey. For his smiles and attention but Dawson couldn't give Kelly up. She just couldn't. Her entire body went into full fledged panic mode just conceiving of it but she was so damn pissed. He could have really hurt someone. He had hurt her friend, her tired, weak and very sad friend. Maybe he couldn't see it? She turned to look at him. She leaned back on the desk and there was absolutely nothing sexy about it. Her arms were folded and his lip was bleeding and something burned to ash inside her chest.

"What the fuck were you thinking?"

"Bri-"

"There were witnesses! You threw the first punch. Casey could press charges. You-"

"If he does. I'll handle it."

There was something final about his tone. Dark. Dawson peered at him. He was still looking at the wall, arms across his chest. Kelly wasn't Kelly when he wasn't being direct and all she could see was the side of his face, his profile mutinous and unyielding.

"What do you mean _handle_ it Kelly?"

"For fuck's sake Bri. Let it go."

"No! Tell me what you mean by-."

"Bri, I swear to God. Let it go."

He still wasn't looking at her. Kelly was pulled in tight at the corners. His hair was still too long, her favourite curl was sitting at his nape waiting for a tug. He was covered in blood and she'd been picking glass out of his face for the last hour. She leaned forward to hook a finger in his hair and forced his head to turn.

"Don't give me that bullshit Kelly. We both know you wouldn't drop it to save your motherfucking life so why should I."

"You love him" Kelly retorted angrily. "You love Casey. Let it go!"

Dawson couldn't deny it but was bewildered by his shift in topic. She leaned back, dropped her hand to his shoulder. Her face betrayed her confusion and Kelly's face wore the armor she hadn't see in months. He was being Severide, cold and unapproachable. She waited him out like they both knew she could and he made a small derisive sound that had her choking back venom.

"He actually suggested that you didn't consent and you didn't say anything"

"Now wait a fucking minute! I'm not the one who tried to solve the problem with my fists! Don't you put this on me!"

"You fucking believe him so why does it matter what I do?" Kelly yelled.

"What the fuck are you even talking about right now?"

"You think I'm going to fuck this up just like-"

"Where the fuck do you get that from _what just happened in my bar?!_ "

" _You didn't defend us!_ You stood there with everyone else and just listened to him talk shit like it was nothing!"

Dawson's mouth dropped open in shock and Kelly pulled away. Shoved out of the chair, walked to the door like he was going to run away then turned around. Because he didn't. At every turn of their relationship he'd been the one staying put. Dawson watched Kelly flex his bruised knuckles and clear his throat and she still didn't have a response for him that would not sound as weak and pathetic as she felt in that moment.

But it made her angry too.

"What would you have me do? You shoved Mills onto a stool when he tried to intervene. I sure as shit didn't see you asking Capp for help but he was standing behind Casey. He was ready to step in."

Kelly gave Dawson a look so incredulous she should have known what was coming but didn't.

"To a bar fight. Not an argument." Kelly spat out. "For fuck's sake Bri he called you a lay and you didn't say anything! Nothing! He thinks I'm gonna toss you off like… I don't know what and you're fucking silent!"

"You are not Benny!" she finally exclaimed.

Kelly's face completely shut down in response. His whole demeanour went stoic and wooden with her mention of Benny and Dawson swallowed carefully as she waited for Kelly to retort.

She'd heard what Casey said and given the last few days of tension... of Kelly pretending he was fine while his father raged at Boden and left him voicemails she wasn't privy to and all the while saying exactly what he believed. That he and Casey were unsalvageable. In this moment she could not disagree. Casey had been mean. Meaner than she'd ever seen him. Spiteful and going for Kelly's weakness while Kelly told Casey to stop. She didn't like any of it. Not at all.

She didn't like how this argument had shifted focus onto her and her response to what had happened. The silence after her scream was cold. Kelly leaned back against the door, arms folded and shook his head.

"I don't believe you. You don't even believe you. That's how you could stand in the bar while Casey talked shit and everyone listened. You're just waiting for it to happen. You all are."

"Kelly-"

"You love Casey. You're always going to love Casey and when it comes time to pick sides like just now in the bar, you don't choose. Which is fine because I told you I wouldn't force you to but _fucking A Bri…_ "

She watched him tip his head down to his chest with a slow shake as he collected himself. Dawson looked at Kelly as he raked his fingers through his hair and the anger slowly leaked out of her, replaced with the absolute knowledge that what Kelly said next could destroy her.

"Don't ever tell me not to fight for your honour. Your friend, your best friend just called you a lay, a random fuck on rotation, then suggested our first night together might be God knows what and topped it off with the idea I would leave while you were pregnant."

He still wasn't looking up, chin tucked into his chest and jaw tight, arms crossed as he held his own biceps. Dawson wanted to reach out but her heart was in her throat and it was all she could do to watch him be this hurt. Because he was. She'd hurt him with her silence, with her quiet indecision about what to do, pacing behind the bar watching the two men she loved quarrel over her. This, after she had defended him so ardently to Heather. She heard Kelly chuckle darkly and swallowed hard around the lump in her throat.

"Kelly..."

"No. Listen... I might be my father's son but my mom…" he sighed softly and finally, finally looked up. Dawson saw how his eyes narrowed in on her without really seeing. Like he was looking through her into a past he still hadn't shared. Like maybe he was seeing all the offshoots from this moment and contemplating which road to take and she quailed inwardly wondering if he was going to leave her. If he was going to do the exact thing Casey said he would.

And because Kelly could see her, just like she could see him, he noticed and scoffed tiredly.

"You can say you're in this with me all you want Bri. It doesn't mean shit if you don't believe in us"

Kelly walked out and Dawson gripped the edge of the desk with both hands trying to stave off tears. It didn't work. She collapsed into the chair he'd occupied and cried her eyes out, too overwhelmed to do anything but gasp.

Kelly didn't leave the bar. When Dawson finally left the office, apron tied on with a broom and a dustpan to pick up the last of the glass shards, he was sitting at a table. Capp, Shay and Angie were with him and Hermann was walking away from it towards her. She gave Hermann a speaking glance and he pulled her behind the bar with him to start drying glasses. She knew she looked horrible, makeup smudged, eyes as red as Kelly's but didn't care. Everyone was angry. Each of them were hurt and Dawson knew he wasn't watching her anymore. That he'd taken that step away to lick his wounds without her interference. Still, she needled Hermann.

"You're supposed to be driving Casey home"

"Put him in a cab. No offense Dawson, I love Casey. He's a great guy but spending thirty minutes with him waxing poetic on you is a bit much"

"Yeah, Casey said a lot tonight" she muttered in response as she picked up a towel to dry their pint glasses.

"He didn't mean it," Hermann said soothingly.

"He did and what's worse is now he has Kelly spiraling and I've lost him" Dawson choked on her words as she tried to stop herself from crying.

" _Gabi_ he's still here. He's angry but the guy Casey accused of running out is still in this bar, sulking."

"Yeah but he's _not_ here" She couldn't explain it to Hermann any better than that. "He's in his own head again and Casey is always the one that puts him there and it takes me weeks to get him out of there and i still get to be mad about the fight. He shouldn't have done it. Kelly was more sober than Casey."

She watched Hermann scrub his hands over his face like he couldn't take anymore and mutter _fucking kids these days_ before pulling down a bottle of Wild Turkey and pouring out two shots. He put one in her hand before throwing back the other.

"Listen to me Gabi. This is a right mess. By all rights those two should be shooting the shit and drinking together and bitching about their insubordinate firefighters but they aren't. And you can't fix that."

Dawson watched Hermann gesticulate with the shotglass in his hand and swallowed her bourbon in one go without pause. She looked across at Kelly who was studiously avoiding her as Shay chatted at him. She noticed how no one was really looking at her at the moment and she felt like the whole ordeal was her fault. Hermann was saying she couldn't fix anything and that just seemed wrong altogether. Shay may or may not have been right about Casey. About how her relationship with Kelly had blown any chance with him up. Because he'd said all the things he'd said tonight knowing she was happy. Knowing that she and Kelly were not a mistake in her eyes. He hadn't cared about how it would look or sound to anyone else and maybe that was partially the alcohol speaking. Maybe that entire altercation had been about making Kelly react and get angry, to punish him for getting what Casey had wanted but never said. She didn't know. This was uncharted territory for her. Casey had handled her relationship with Mills well enough. Maybe she was naive to think that he would continue to be the noble upstanding guy she had always loved when Kelly entered the picture. She had wanted everything to be okay too damn much to think otherwise. She didn't want to lose Casey as a friend completely but Kelly…

"What do I do Hermann?"

"You forgive Kelly. That fight was always coming regardless of you and him being together because of Andy. Those two don't know shit about handling grief"

She murmured her agreement but Hermann didn't know about their fight in the office. How Kelly believed she didn't have faith in them. And he didn't even know that she loved him. She wasn't going to say it anytime soon now. She poured herself another shot of bourbon and drank it quickly. Dawson looked at Hermann and waited. She knew he had more to say but he looked uncomfortable suggesting whatever it was and she couldn't fathom what it could be.

"Spit it out Hermann."

"It's not for me to say"

"Hermann"

He gave her a look like he really resented her pushing but Dawson couldn't stop being herself even in the midst of her own emotional devastation. She loved both men and it wasn't a matter of wanting one in her life more. They were just different. Fulfilled wildly different needs in her life. She wasn't trying to have it both ways. She wasn't leading anyone on, even if Kelly thought she was hedging her bets right now. Kelly was passion and energy with an unbearable edge of sweetness underneath their fierce chemistry. He was the possibility she'd never believed in, at being part of something more than herself. It was incredible and reckless and grounded her as much as it taught her to fly. It made no sense and she kept trying to understand its parameters but then it took a left turn and fuck it she just fell deeper. She just lived it with her whole self.

Casey was her bedrock. He had been at 51 since she first started when she went through partner after partner and became paramedic in charge and his quiet wisdom, his selflessness and understated charm. It got to her. He'd been there with a piece of advice when she did something foolish, had helped her out at many a job when a patient got belligerent. The man was the poster boy for good decent masculinity. How could she not want him in her life?

"Gabi" she blinked out of her deep thoughts as Hermann put a hand on her shoulder, "you take your bruiser home and you fuck the shit out of him."

Dawson coughed lightly and gave Hermann a look.

"You take him home" he insisted with a look that said _you asked_. "And you remind him why he decided to take this leap with you cuz Gabi. That man is gone on you. Gone. Take whatever was going on with that Renee chick and Spain and multiply it by a factor of five. At least."

Dawson had to smile at that. She tried not to compare herself to Kelly's other women but it was hard sometimes. It wasn't the random women either. It was the fiancee who cheated on him. It was Renee who had pushed him to get his injury worked on and he finally did. Then he'd seriously contemplated leaving the country with her. She wondered how she could even compare. Deep down, Kelly was a romantic. He didn't know how to say it and maybe there would never be that grand gesture with her but if someone on the outside saw what she hoped to be true...

"Are you sure?" she whispered "because I have a really bad track record if you couldn't tell."

"Jesus yes. I'm sure. Now take your bruiser home and come up with some story for Boden."

"You keep calling him my bruiser" Dawson said with a little laugh as she sniffled. "Why?"

"Gabi, if you don't know why then you need your eyes checked"

With that Hermann went down the bar to help Otis. She'd been given permission to leave but she didn't have her car and Kelly was mad and Dawson didn't really feel like walking over to talk to him in front of everyone. It was the sort of situation she hated and hid from. People judging her. People assuming not so great things about her. She figured her reputation at the firehouse was about to take a nosedive and it wasn't the worst thing about the night but it definitely did not make her feel better.

"Shay and I are headed out so I need to pay the tab"

Dawson blinked and saw Angie, standing awkwardly with her credit card, her face a tender mask of concern and smiled tightly. She gave a quick nod as she took Angie's card and bobbed over to the card reader as Angie followed her. "Hey it's none of my business and I know Shay is nosy enough for ten bloodhounds but you and Kelly are crazy beautiful together."

Dawson looked up from where she was getting the receipt printouts to examine Angie closely. She seemed earnest but Dawson had done enough by running her mouth tonight so she smiled tightly and gave a nod.

"Like I want to paint you two together beautiful. Here I'll show you a sketch"

From out of her pocket came a folded thick stock piece of paper. Dawson traded it for the receipts Angie needed to sign, her face skeptical. When she opened it up, all she could do was stare. Angie had captured one of her favourite Kelly gestures. He was hugging her from behind, arms wrapped around her shoulders while he kissed her hair. She had her hands on his arms, eyes closed, grinning wildly, leaning into his kiss. It was just black pencil on white paper and Dawson was stunned. If that's what they looked like to a complete newcomer...

"You're really talented" Dawson finally said, tracing Kelly's face on the page. She went to give it back and Angie shook her head.

"Keep it. This is going to sound creepy but I have more. I find you two… fascinating"

"Why?!"

"I hear a lot from Shay's point of view. I know she's worried but when I see you two together. I dunno. It's weird because you aren't magnets. People talk like that all the time and you are definitely attracted to each other but it's more than that. You glow. You radiate this absurdly intense aura of just joy and fun and maybe mischief. It's kind of amazing and I'm jealous"

Dawson didn't know what to say to that. Between Hermann and Angie she had a lot to process. She was so consumed with being inside the whirlwind that was Kelly that she didn't really pondered what it looked like from the outside anymore. Not like she had at the beginning when she was worried about what people thought. Which made her stop for a second with surprise. She knew what people thought of her with Kelly and she hadn't cared in awhile. That was how deep in she was. Nothing else mattered but Kelly. Casey was the obvious exception but she wasn't going there. Not yet.

"You shouldn't be jealous. We're a mess".

"You're talking to a painter. All I do is make messes while making something beautiful" Angie cocked her head to the side like she was trying to picture Dawson in a pose for one of her paintings. "And you two sure are beautiful"

Dawson blushed. Slipped the sketch in her apron pocket as she thanked Angie who waved her off before going back to the table to collect her very drunk but still worried partner. Dawson watched the two women leave before glancing at Kelly then Hermann who mouthed the word _go_ and she was thinking about the till and who was going to count it because God bless her it couldn't be Zoya and Otis was sweet but… Hermann walked over to her.

"Stop making excuses Dawson. Take him home."

Home. Where was that, she wondered.

 _3:30 am_

"Why'd they name you Kelly?"

Dawson's voice was a whisper just in case he'd fallen asleep. Her head was on his chest and she was drawing light circles around the chain he wore all the time because she couldn't deal with the bruises on his neck. She felt the sigh build in his ribcage before he exhaled slowly through his mouth.

"It's a boy's name. It also means fighter in Gaelic. Why do you ask?"

 _Because I want to know everything about you_. She shrugged while his arm wrapped closer around her body.

"That's not an answer. Those are Googleable facts without context"

"Googleable?"

"You're deflecting. If you don't know just say so."

Dawson felt him sigh again before he kissed her hair. Felt him turn slowly on his side and take her with him. Both their heads on one pillow as he looked her in the eyes and pulled her closer. Kelly had been quiet since the bar. It was an inane thought. She'd never spent a lot of time thinking about his name before but there were more girls named Kelly than boys these days and his last name wasn't Irish and his dad was an asshole but not so much an asshole he'd saddle his son with a name that could get him teased. Right? Dawson put her hand over his heartbeat.

"Hey. I just wanted to know. Don't worry about it."

"My mom… she was Irish. It could have been that"

Dawson didn't say anything. This was as much as they'd talked since the bar. She'd walked over to the table where he was sitting with Capp and interrupted their conversation to kiss Kelly with everything she had before gazing straight into his eyes. Claiming him for all to see. He'd put down money for his tab and stood straight up and she'd taken his hand and led him out of the bar without one word passing between them. Perhaps it was all part of the aura that Angie saw but as soon as they were outside he'd pushed her against the wall and kissed her right back in response and she'd climbed him, legs around his waist to get as close as possible. She needed him. She knew she'd told him that before but it continued to be true and he thought she didn't believe in them and everything in that moment dissolved into where their hips met, grind for grind until he'd lost all control and they'd toppled into the backseat of his car, the bare minimum of clothes pushed aside as she let go.

Dawson blinked back into the moment as Kelly kept whispering.

"At one point I thought they named me after the Kelly tool. You know, the pry bar before the Halligan?"

She didn't know but she let him talk, content to draw circles on his chest, to look at the chain he always wore even in bed. Kelly was superstitious as well it seemed, a real closet Catholic. It made her want to smile but the whole evening had been upended with the fight and their good day was ending on a flat note. He was here with her in bed but also gone and she couldn't fight his pain, his deep hurt without saying things he wouldn't believe because she loved him. She really did but it didn't matter because she'd loved Casey first and still. Dawson breathed him in. She wanted to bottle whatever the scent of him was. Wanted to keep it close just in case.

"But that didn't make sense. He didn't assume I was going to be a firefighter like him so yeah, I guess it was my mom. Maybe a family name. I never asked".

He didn't say more and the silence that followed was heavy with his remembering the woman who raised him alone. It went without saying that he didn't know anything about his mother's family. Or maybe he did and just wouldn't share it. He had no aunts or uncles. Very odd for a half Irish. He probably had a lot of distant family he didn't know anything about and knowing Kelly he wouldn't go looking. So it was just him and his awful dad. Dawson tried not to think about how lonely that was. How absolutely alone he would be without Shay in his life when your own blood doesn't even visit when you're in the hospital. She kissed his heartbeat, scooted down further to kiss his navel.

"Dawson…"

He'd been calling her that since the car. Not D or Bri or baby. It was the distance that Hermann couldn't see but she knew so well. Knew intimately from every time he pulled back because of something someone said. He left without leaving and it hurt all the worse when he wasn't present during sex. When where they had always clicked so perfectly had become the scorched battleground of proof something was wrong. She kissed each hipbone in turn and felt him rise between her breasts. She wasn't terribly good at supplication. Submission wasn't a turn on for her but possession was so,

"I'm yours if you're mine"

She phrased it in the conditional but she meant it utterly. She was his. Point blank. But if he was suddenly unsure of them. If every time Casey popped into view with a slur they backtracked to her being Dawson… she gave him the choice to acknowledge what had never been said. What they had never discussed. They'd been exclusive from the start without question. She stared up at him as she took his cock in her mouth, one hand fondling him, the other snaking between her own thighs. She saw and heard the hiss come from between his teeth. How he battled the reflex to hold her down, hands fisted in her sheets. She never stopped staring as she worked him deeper, felt her throat relax around him slowly, slowly while she sucked and pumped in tandem. She was his. Dawson and Severide. Bri and Sev.

She noticed he wasn't looking at her mouth on him. He was staring past her face to where her fingers disappeared below her clit. He didn't say anything, just winced as he bit into his cut lip. She swallowed him as deep as she could go and had the pleasure of a loud groan and long shudder greet her ministrations. She took her hand away from his length to cup his balls gently. To stroke his perineum just so with her index finger and trace one finger around his…

"God! I'm gonna come" he warned and Dawson wondered which he would prefer. A swallow or a splash. She was doing this as apology. As a way back into his good graces and she loved to swallow, to see him come undone with her mouth like now, he was shaking and a sheen of sweat covered him but maybe...

She dragged the fingers from her slit to his mouth. He sucked on them unabashedly which gave her a jolt as she sucked harder on him and then came his agonised moan, the full white rush of him spilling down her throat as he jerked and she thought he was done. She thought she had him completely spent under her touch when she lifted her head to smile and found herself tossed backwards on her bed, head hanging over the edge, hair touching the floor as Kelly bottomed out in her on a long thrust and she moaned in shocked delight. He was still throbbing. Still hard as he held her thighs spread and it was her turn to clutch the sheets. Her turn to be incapable of breath, her head thrown back, his left hand pressed over the ace on her sternum, pressing her into the bed.

"You're mine" he said and his right thumb found her clit and her legs fell apart as his hips jutted forward and _yesyesyesyes_. She cried it out. _I'm yours._ And then she was crying quietly. Kelly's eyes were closed and he was kissing her ace and _no one else gets to see this but me_. Suddenly Dawson doubted anyone ever would. She couldn't respond. He was all she wanted as he kept going, his forehead on her chest. He was all she felt, burning her up from the inside out her hands clutching the sheets, her head facing the floor, tears sliding down into her hair.

* * *

 _If I tell you this all ends happily, will you believe me?_


	28. Chapter 28

**AN: Happy New Year. I'm actually quite sleepy and have nothing witty to say. Everyone's still upset in this chapter. And they all have good reason don't they?**

 **Thank you for all your remarkable and lovely reviews. I still plan on a happy ending. I read too many romance novels to do otherwise. How the hell I get these two stubborn people to that goal tho..**

 **Disclaimer: Dick Wolf, NBC, blah blah not mine. Boo. Hiss.**

* * *

Kelly frowned. He was staring across the break room at Bri. She'd cried. During sex. And then tried to hide it. And then cried more when he hugged her to him, bewildered and out of his depth. She'd said _sorry_. Said she was overwhelmed with feeling and he could believe that was part of it. But she'd burrowed into his embrace, hidden her face in his neck, her hot breath damp on his skin. Then she'd stroked and rode him to another shuddering and quiet release before turning away to grab the sheets that had fallen to the floor and tucked them in without another word.

In short. His girl. The woman who never stopped talking and fighting had gone silent on him after being incredibly emotional and he was officially confused. They were still arguing. He was still mad about the bar fight and so was she. There was no getting around that. Her tears had just felt random as hell. Not fake but sort of out of nowhere. He'd spent a good fifteen minutes watching her back afterwards, knowing she was still awake but not looking at him before he had slowly, carefully, pulled her into his chest. He'd heard her breath catch and worried she was crying again. It didn't matter either way when she laced her fingers with his. It felt like he had permission to relax so he did, all the while, still confused as all get out and hurt underneath it all.

Breakfast before shift was subdued. She'd replaced the bandage on his bleeding eyebrow in the morning without saying a word. Touched the chain at his neck with that same strained silence, her eyes on the bruises, her hand over his heart. She reminded him that she and Shay were going away for a girls' weekend so she wouldn't be around post shift or for the next 48 hours and he'd responded noncommittally. It seemed like space was the order of the day at the moment. Her trip couldn't have come at a better time it seemed. Except that was bullshit and he knew he was going to be a sap and miss her. Especially since she was going away with the only other person in the Chicago area he trusted implicitly. He'd been good though. Asked her to write down where they were staying in case of an emergency. Said it was a good idea to get away since she and Shay had been on rocky terms. He didn't say _kind of like we are right now, again._ She'd smiled and said _yeah_ and drank her coffee leaning up on the sink while he ate eggs at her table and they'd taken separate cars to the firehouse because she and Shay were leaving straight after shift and already his weekend was looking pretty dismal.

 _Why was she crying?_

"Severide"

Kelly looked up to see Boden gesturing him into his office and he knew it was coming but it still sucked and everyone went quiet because nearly everyone had been there, at the bar and Bri was studiously avoiding everyone's glances including his. Casey was holed up in the officers' quarters because Casey and suddenly Kelly just didn't want to deal with anything anymore. All he'd ever wanted to be was a firefighter. Everything else was gravy. Was just different shit happening in the day in day out grind of trying to save people from the worst days of their lives. What the fuck was he even doing?

"So… what's your excuse?" Boden asked calmly as he sat down behind his desk, hands steepled in front of him. Kelly thought about it for a moment. How he could maybe spin his bruises into some kind of story but didn't. He shrugged calmly at Boden. Leaned back into the chair. He was familiar with this scene. He knew which way he would and wouldn't take the next few minutes. God forbid he do anything to impugn Lieutenant Matt Casey.

"I don't have one sir."

"Hmm." Kelly watched as Chief Boden also leaned back in his chair, a characteristic scowl bleeding across his stern face. "No police report was filed so I don't have to write you up for conduct unbecoming..."

And just then Kelly spared a silent thank you for Bri. Bri, who pissed him off with her indecision and lack of conviction but still had the presence of mind to call in a favour with her brother and he really maybe needed to get advice from Antonio. The tears during sex thing really had him freaked out. He wondered how he could even bring it up...

"Kelly" he blinked back into focus. Boden had been calling his name a couple times and he was clearly irritated.

"What's the matter with you two? How long are you gonna keep this up?"

It sadly took Kelly another thirty seconds to realize they were _not_ discussing him and Bri. He wondered if he should lie and tell Boden it wasn't Casey he'd been fighting. One glance into his superior's eyes told him that shit wouldn't fly. Kelly sighed.

"I don't want to fight him Chief but when he starts shit… I don't know"

"So you don't have an excuse and you don't know. You two have known each other too long for this crap. Come on Kelly"

"No offense sir but every time Benny is in town you two sound remarkably similar"

It was quiet for a minute after Kelly's retort and he didn't even think to take it back. He knew it was true and he was curious how Boden would react to his candor.

Finally Boden chuckled and sat forward, leaning onto his desk, a half bemused half sad smile replacing the earlier frown. Kelly didn't mean to sound insubordinate but Boden was talking out the left side of his mouth if he thought his advice on the situation held any weight. Or maybe Kelly was just in that pissy a mood. Bri. Crying. _Shit_. He didn't want to be the reason for that and he knew he was no matter what she'd babbled incoherently while he was holding her. She was his. He was hers but the knot that pulled them tight seemed to be strangling her and all in all he wanted her happy. It was that simple. He'd said that from the start. Kelly wasn't keen on being a problem for anyone. And giddy though they were together, it all went to shit when they were around other people and other people were part of their lives. It wasn't like they could live in a bubble and he didn't want to either.

"Benny and I… that history is deep." Boden conceded without rancor and Kelly relaxed a little to see Chief taking his comment so well. "But you and Casey are not us. Your… issues. You will get past them. You are nothing like Benny Severide. You don't, on your worst days, stir shit up for the sake of pride."

Kelly didn't register the words at first. He was unsure whether or not Boden thought of his relationship with Bri as an issue. If Casey's vehement opposition to it, compounded with the blame they heaped on each other for Andy's death qualified their drama as the same caliber as Boden and Benny's. It took him another minute to recognize that Boden had tossed off, quite casually in fact, that he was _nothing like Benny Severide_. He glanced up at his boss, his face a mask of incredulity.

"Seriously Chief?"

"What?"

"You mean to say, I walked into your firehouse and you didn't see another cocky Severide asshole you'd have to put up with?"

"No. I saw a smart, driven, capricious son of a bitch. The youngest candidate to make Squad because he said so."

"Chief-"

"You look like your mother."

That shut Kelly up so quickly there was no space for air. He watched Boden walk around his desk to sit in front of him. He watched his boss peruse the bruised skin of his neck, the split lip, the butterfly bandage over his left eye from the glass cut laceration. He made no move to hide the torn skin of his knuckles as Boden shook his head gently.

"You have her eyes. It's the first thing I noticed about you. And her hair. Black Irish. I didn't see her much after Benny well, you know. But… your mother had the same piercing gaze. Stubborn too i imagine. Loyal. She never remarried did she?"

"No sir. Catholic"

" _Hmm_. More than that I think. Anyway. You're more like her than him. You find it easier to think you're him so you can rebel. So you can play against him but… you are too good a man for his sort of bad behavior. I don't care how many leather jackets you own. You care Kelly. You care so very deeply underneath it all or you'd be in Spain right now."

He didn't tell Chief that it was his father who convinced him to stay. That Benny had taken that moment, if only that moment to tell his son to disappoint everyone but himself. And Kelly had taken that to mean he should embrace the challenge of coming back from his neck injury to keep firefighting. So, he did. And he'd done it again without his derelict dad this time around. His real family, his firehouse standing around his hospital bed like the good friends they were. He couldn't be the reason they all fell apart… Kelly scratched the back of his neck and swallowed awkwardly.

"Chief, I hate to say this and I'm not saying I want to do it. But maybe a transfer…"

He watched Boden rock back on his heels in shock. The thought had not even occurred to him. To transfer him, and that felt good. Somewhat. Chief Boden took care of his men. But he needed to take care of all his men and right now, his officers were fighting. Not being terribly good role models of efficiency and authority and:

"Let's face it Chief. I'm the problem child. I should go."

"Kelly. I don't know where you get half the ideas that come into your head but that does not solve the problem."

"Chief-"

"Someone else is gonna die someday and you're gonna have to cope. You are _both_ going to have to cope and blaming each other doesn't help which we both know _I have more than enough experience with so why the hell you running for?_ "

It wasn't often that you heard the sound of where Boden grew up in his voice but just then Kelly heard the deep south side on his superior's tongue and knew he'd rattled the man way down to an anger that had nothing to do with work.

"It was just a sugges-"

"Go home Kelly. You came back too soon. You are benched until you get your head out your ass"

"No"

"Excuse me Lieutenant?"

"I'm not running away. Andy isn't the issue here. It's trust. Casey doesn't trust me. That's a huge problem when you have two lieutenants overseeing fifteen plus men who don't feel like they need to work together because their bosses don't get along. I don't want to transfer but you need to think about the entire house."

It was an impulsive suggestion. Kelly hadn't thought about doing it until he'd sat down across from Boden and listened to him talk about his mother and above all things, mad as it still made him at times, his mother had been selfless. Kind. He definitely did not inherit that gene but Firehouse 51 was in shambles enough between Andy's death less than a year ago and Campbell's outing to say nothing of his injuries, and long recovery bouts. Firehouse 51 needed stability and he wasn't it. Not by a long shot.

Boden stared at him and Kelly stared right back. It was a suggestion. Boden didn't have to do a damn thing and maybe he wouldn't. They were stubborn men all around in this equation but he really didn't want to fight anymore and he could be a firefighter anywhere else in the city. He could deal.

While Boden was staring Kelly down and trying not to yell so loud the entire firehouse heard his indignation, Dawson was the subject of much scrutiny by her peers. It made her chafe. It made her want to snap and she would have if she had the energy to do so but she'd spent the end of last night either hiccup crying in Kelly's lap or staring blindly at the wall. She was tired. On so many levels and Shay was sitting quietly by her side nursing a hangover while she did her crossword and the guys were being guys, nosy and noisy and less than subtle with the glances. She hadn't asked for her life to be a soap opera. Shay could say _I told you so_ til kingdom come and probably would if the fractures in the firehouse became permanent but for all her hedging and prevaricating, Kelly was still the best part of her whole year so far and summer was more than half over. Halfway through and she'd been with him nearly eight months minus her hellish month plus interlude of indecision and his subsequent silence turned to raw panic during the building collapse. She sighed softly to herself. _So maybe more like six months._ Which was still half a year and she was still completely gone. She just didn't know how to be any other way with Casey than how she had always been and she was trying to change. She'd put up boundaries, made parameters for how their friendship worked and existed but that had all been shattered with the revelation of her relationship with Kelly.

Everything got ripped away. All the gentle earnestness Casey had shown in the wake of that last doorstep confrontation, gone. Pushed to the side with all his questions of why and how and she realized… he'd never apologized. Not really, she'd apologized over and over about Voight into his silence but even when she'd asked for boundaries. For space, he'd never spared a thought to really say sorry for hurting her. And he'd hurt her the night before, hurling those embarrassing accusations at Kelly. Had she become so inured to censure, to people scolding her for every impulsive action she took, that she didn't recognize when it wasn't constructive criticism anymore? When it was just boldfaced opinion masquerading as advice? She knew she didn't invest in her own intelligence. Her mother was still pissed about how much of her savings she put into the bar as opposed to getting further with her medical school aspirations but most days she felt good as a paramedic. Helping someone in the moment. Knowing she'd done all she could and leaving it at that and into the hands of someone more sure and capable to handle surgeries and recoveries. She suspected she wasn't built for long term aspirational goals like being a doctor.

And that was okay. She didn't have to be a doctor. It was more her mother's dream for her, than her own. Typical immigrant American dream but it wasn't hers. It wasn't Antonio's. They were happy civil servants in a city called Chicago and she loved her life. Really loved it. She loved Casey but not like she loved Kelly and it took her actually falling apart the night before to feel it. To really feel those three words she'd been saying for so long to herself. She was his completely and it didn't feel oppressive or stifling. How could it? Kelly made no demands but her continued safety. He'd been a pest on more than one job since he was back on shift. She acted like she hated it but really, it made her liquid at the center where no one saw. Other than that and her time, he made it easy because everything else was hard. He'd always known it would be hard and he hadn't given a damn. She could still recall how fierce he'd been, holding her close in her bed back in March. Saying it was nobody's business but theirs what they did and she'd held to it. She kept her love secret, kept it safe. When others teased her about getting on Sev's joyride and where in the firehouse they must have tried it, she smiled but didn't give details. Suspected Kelly was just the same and anyway outright strangers thought they were beautiful together. She felt beautiful with him. How the fuck did she make him believe that she believed in them? How many different ways could you have the same fight and stay together?

"Gabi"

Oh lord not now and Shay, the coward slid to the other side of the long table as Casey stood over her like a dark bruised cloud. Dawson looked up, her face placid despite all her inner turmoil.

"Unless you're apologizing, please stop making a spectacle of this entire situation and walk away now"

She murmured this quietly, irritated as she now always was, when people peeked around corners at the drama that had become a large portion of her life. The part that wasn't her and Kelly pulled close in her sheets and being the perfect fit she'd never thought possible. Before she overthought it to death, she fired off a kiss emoji to Sev because she could and words… they still definitely sucked at words. Maybe she should cancel her Shay weekend...

"You won't meet up with me outside the firehouse" Casey countered in a reasonable tone.

"That was one time and I was busy," Dawson replied calmly, her face neutral so none of the onlookers could decipher the tone of their conversation.

"With him."

"Casey,"

She managed to sigh his name instead of snap. She loved this man. That she no longer saw a future with him was odd and took a lot of adjusting and mental compromising and no doubt, he needed time to do the same but his condescending tone about her relationship with Kelly was beginning to grate on what was left of her already raw nerves. She'd cried enough in the last twenty four hours to feel wrung out and flat. The sort of drained that made any form of critique so much worse. If Antonio had showed up just then to say she had a lousy right hook, Dawson was sure she'd just sit down and weep. She was so damn tired.

"Believe it or not Casey at one point you liked him. You were friends. I'm not going to defend it or him because your mind is very clearly made up on the topic" She glanced around at the others quickly not looking for help so much as hoping they were looking away a least. She was upset that Casey was pursuing this conversation in front of their colleagues. Like she was such a flight risk he had to rely on her deeply ingrained desire to not look like a hysterical and irrational woman in front of the guys against her.

"He's not good enough for-"

" _I wasn't good enough so maybe stop saying that_ " she cut in her voice wavering and angry. Tears were choking her throat yet again as she seized up, tired and emotionally exhausted. And when Casey proceeded to sit down across from her and take her hands in his own, it was all she'd ever wanted but too little too late. All the attraction and affection she'd always known was there, suddenly began shining out of his bottomless blue eyes:

"That was never the problem Gabi."

"Stop"

"Gabi" he persisted, "I wasted a lot of time because I wanted to do it when it was right and-"

"I said stop Casey"

 _Not here_ she wanted to say. Not like this, in front of everyone as she pulled her hands back because she had to. Everything he said made sense. Everything he said was logical and planned and completely beside the point of how she'd felt about him for years, which was irrational and all consuming. It took Kelly to show her that how she felt wasn't insane or the problem. That her desire to jump into the middle of things was okay. He made it okay the way he'd dived into the accident that was their relationship and its rippling effects on everyone around them. She'd been the one to hesitate each and every step of the way because she thought that was what she was supposed to do while he said _fuck it_ and she looked on, incredulous and admiring. Kelly's whole life philosophy could be explained in those two words and she wanted to follow where he led when he said it. She was excited for the adventure of it all, of them. Even if they were strained at the moment.

"Kelly and I are together. I know him. He knows me. I want this."

She was as firm as she could be given the tumult her stomach was putting her through. Ultimatums felt awful and while that wasn't precisely what she was doing, she knew it would feel like one. Like she was closing the door on their possibility because she had. Last night surrendering completely to Kelly at the very moment when he was no longer emotionally present, the harrowing gap she felt and fell into where he possessed her without seeing her... Dawson could not continue to teeter at the edge, watching Kelly suffer with her indecision. It wasn't fair and she wasn't actively trying to do it but he was right when he called her out about her reaction to the bar fight. She would be better. She would recognize that her feelings of unworthiness had no part in their connection and she couldn't allow Casey the space to spew venom at Kelly while professing to care for her. She loved Kelly and that meant she had to take care of him too.

Dawson looked Casey directly in his eyes, her whole body trembling quietly as though she was cold, aware of everyone watching and still incapable of turning away from this moment. This was a corridor she needed to walk down just like the way she left Kelly in his hospital room with Shay. Necessary and heart rending and still she could only whisper:

"You want me to be a random lay because then there's still a chance. Then, you can forgive me for my oh so foolish decision to be with Kelly and pretend it never happened. That it doesn't matter."

She watched Casey flinch but not protest. She was using his own words against him. He was the one who'd said she was just a random fuck on rotation. At least he was good enough to not try excusing it. His hands were still on the table reaching out to her. She was twisting her fingers painfully in her lap. Casey was taking in her whole face with his eyes, like he was memorizing her in this moment. Like he was committing his idea of her to memory before she destroyed it with her truths. "But it matters Casey. What you said… I can't accept it. I matter to Kelly and he matters to me and hiding how I feel about him was hard enough. Please stop making us being together that much harder."

 _Please_. She wanted them to stop fighting. To call a truce and grieve Andy together. Kelly talked about Griffin sometimes. Said he was just like Andy as a teenager and how Ben was like both of them as a little kid and the strain of all these small and large distances was too much. They were all so acutely aware of life's brevity. Their jobs saved lives. She gave Casey all the earnestness she could muster in her exhausted state. They were 3 hours into a 24 hour shift and she really wanted to be in bed, far away and dreaming of something better than her present.

She watched Casey watch her for a good long minute, breath held suspended over another long drop. This man was her friend. A complicated mess of a friendship though it had become, Casey was someone she couldn't stop caring about. She watched as he leaned back in the chair with a soft sound.

"I can't accept this Gabi. I won't. I won't watch him hurt you. Don't come to me when he does exactly what he's always done."

Her mouth dropped open. He couldn't really be this cold. He couldn't.

"Casey, why can't-"

 _Firehouse 51. Truck 81. Squad 3. Ambulance 61. Structural fire. Taylor Street and Oakley Blvd._

Dawson was too stunned to rise when Casey did. He was angry. He was lashing out. Casey was the good guy. The nice guy. He was shunning her. Again. For a choice she made with her heart. Would he ever come around?

Shay's thumbs drummed the steering wheel awkwardly. Dawson was quiet beside her. She'd overheard more of their conversation than anyone else in the break room and she was waiting for Dawson to say something. Anything. Casey's opinion had always mattered to her. What he thought was important and to witness the cold way he'd gone from holding Dawson's hands to realizing this wasn't something he could fix... That Dawson and Kelly were something he could not change with all his determination. Shay whistled softly as she followed the interstate north out of Chicago. It'd been a long and grueling shift and she was looking forward to three days off.

"I love him."

Shay froze in the driver's seat, praying Dawson didn't mean who she thought Dawson meant. Hoping today was not the day for that sort of revelation and subsequent confession because it was too early and she was too tired. Still, she'd never leave Dawson hanging awkwardly in a silence so,

"Who?"

"Kelly. I love Kelly Severide." Shay glanced over to see Dawson smiling, her eyes glassy with tears, but her whole face wide open and beaming besides that.

"Did you… just figure that out?"

Shay couldn't help herself. She was curious. Shay had been walking around in circles with panic while her two friends had jumped the train and never said boo about where they were going if anywhere. She listened to Dawson snort laugh.

"No."

Well, okay. At least Dawson had a handle on how she was feeling. Probably why she was such a mess about everything. Loving two different men had to be interesting...

"Does Kelly know?"

"Shay, we both know how he'd react if I ever said a thing." and the sound of her derisive laugh, of Dawson wiping her eyes and sniffing her nose made Shay sad and uncomfortable. Dawson was operating under the idea of Kelly as he usually was with women. She thought saying the words would make Kelly run scared but in truth, it was the opposite. This was a piece of knowledge Shay guarded fiercely. Kelly loved Shay to hell and back. He was her best friend and big brother and partner in crime and through it all was her biggest champion during pratfalls and pending STD test results. Kelly didn't let anyone see it because he'd been hurt too deeply, too young. He still had that chip on one corner of his shoulder. The one that told him he wasn't good enough and accounted for the leather jacket and his careless smirk. He still had that soft bruised heart, like a little kid waiting at the door for his father to come home. Shay didn't think it was an accident that Kelly had become a firefighter instead of anything else but she couldn't articulate that into words for Dawson without betraying Kelly. And Dawson knew parts of Kelly that she would never get to see or understand so...

"It's okay to be scared Dawson."

"Shay-"

"No, you can't blame it on Kelly. We both know how you are when you care about someone. You are all in. You will do anything you can for that person. I have watched you do some stupid things for Casey and _he_ _just shat all over your hands in the break room_. You're scared."

She would never apologize for being direct in the moments that she could. It wasn't Shay's way. They were hours away from the cabin and she needed Dawson to understand this. She wouldn't give away the fact that Kelly definitely loved her too. His devotion was a huge beacon on his forehead for anyone who really knew him to see. And anyway, she sort of felt honoured that she got to hear this first. This secret when everything about Dawson with her best friend had been covert. Had been locked away from her for disapproving. But hey, she had not been wrong once yet.

"Me loving Kelly doesn't change the way things are Shay. The way you said they would go all along."

"No but it's changed you. Hasn't it?"

Shay glanced over to see Dawson with her hand over her heart, her mind a thousand miles away. She loved this woman. She didn't say it but she did and would definitely have slept with her if Dawson swung that way but they were friends and partners and she knew Dawson well enough to know everything she was feeling was exhausting her. Her hair was loose around her shoulders from twisting and untwisting it in her upset over Casey. Her face said she was tired and Dawson nodded her response _yes_ , loving Kelly had changed her but she didn't say another word. Shay shook her head.

"Alright then. This weekend we will drink tequila and toss our phones into a dark corner and the Lieutenants of Firehouse 51 will not cross your mind til Monday morning. Deal?"

A soft laugh was Dawson's only response and Shay knowing it was real, knowing that love was now on the table, knew the firehouse was never going to be the same. She'd give Dawson whatever reprieve she could.

* * *

 _Thanks for reading!_


	29. Chapter 29

**AN:**

 **Hi Hi. Thank you to all of you who read and reviewed the last chapter! Your intense appreciation makes it all worth it!  
**

 **Please note: There is an extended sex scene in this chapter. Someone asked why so much sex? Sev is why. And not just because he is pretty. Sev has this established mode of being easy sex and that translates into his relationship with Bri. He thinks it's all he has to offer and communicates how he feels that way. It's going to continue being a feature of this story that Sev and Bri are wild and impulsive in their reactions to each other. I'll always preface a sex scene with a warning in the author's note. If you want this chapter without the sex I can write out an edited version!**

 **Disclaimer: These characters are the property of Dick Wolf, NBC et al.**

* * *

Dawson slammed the door to Kelly's apartment open. Shay was running up behind her from the elevator telling her to _calm down_ but Dawson was glaring at her wayward boyfriend. Seething actually, as she stormed into the kitchen. It was the exact opposite of the last time Kelly had seen Dawson as he glanced up from a bowl of cereal, his mouth full around the _what_ that spilled from his lips with the milk. Dawson was too livid to think about his manners.

" _You told Boden you wanted a transfer?!_ "

It was Monday. She and Shay had gone into the firehouse to double check their schedule and find out how the relief paramedics had been while they were out of town. Boden had pulled them into his office with a blind side that had Dawson shaking she was so mad. She watched Kelly scowl as he put the bowl down on the counter.

"It was a suggestion. Not a request. I specifically said I did not want to transfer but-"

"But you _said_ the word transfer!"

She was pissed and probably being irrational because she was terrified that this was Kelly's way of breaking up. The slow fade that was less dramatic and cold but still made you feel sick to your stomach like she was right then after way too much tequila in 48 hours.

"Dawson…"

"Were you even going to talk to me about this?"

She kept cutting in because her thoughts were flying wild and Kelly was walking around the counter and coming towards her and she'd missed him all weekend like an idiot. Her body aching for him in all those painfully predictable ways when you love and want someone in the first flush of all your feelings. She was still mad at him and still everything tightened with the sheer breadth of his presence, shirtless in his kitchen and they'd never christened his counters and…

"Do you two know how to fight without yelling because my head literally can't take this right now"

Dawson turned back to Shay, who'd dropped her bag by the front door. Her sunglasses were perched precariously on her nose and she looked so resigned to the blowup that was all Dawson's fights with Kelly she could have sat there and sipped tea til it was over. Dawson startled when Kelly's hand touched her shoulder and she turned away from Shay to his bright eyes looking annoyed at her.

 _Well, join the club Severide._ They were still off, their argument at the bar still mostly unresolved and she hadn't spoken with him about Casey's casual dismissal of their friendship and he'd been deciding things without her like they maybe weren't even a couple and she didn't warrant the consideration and all of it hurt, still. She'd cried then spent the last two days drinking, tanning and missing his stupid face only to come back and hear that he wanted to leave Firehouse 51. This suggested he wanted to leave her and she glared up at him while absentmindedly playing with the chain around his neck like she wanted to choke him. Because she sort of did in that moment. She clutched it tight and brought his face down to hers. Kelly winced as it cut into the bruises. Dawson immediately let go.

"Why?"

"Because Shay was right."

This remark got a cackle from the woman in question, who shuffled over to the couch and collapsed with a cushion over her head muttering _damn straight!_ while Kelly pulled Dawson by her hands to sit on one of the barstools at the countertop.

"There's too much drama at the firehouse. Those guys are family and I don't like being the reason everyone is uncomfortable. We need to be able to work together and Casey and I can't"

"So you just leave?" Dawson poked back. "Leave me without asking what I think about this?"

"It was just a suggestion. I was trying to put the firehouse first" Kelly said calmly.

"Fuck that! You told me it was nobody's damn business what we did. That what we had was ours and everyone would just have to deal with it"

She remembered every word of that conversation. How ridiculously vehement he was in defense of their relationship. How much he clearly wanted to pursue it and how as consenting adults, they needed no one's permission to do so, least of all their coworkers. It had struck her deeply and she was going to stop calling them a situation now. This was a relationship. Everything else was a fucked up situation. Jesus Christ if she spent more than five seconds contemplating Casey…

"But they're not dealing with it Dawson! Not even you sometimes."

"Hey! That's not fair-"

"And I'm not leaving you but did you think Casey was going to be this messed up about it?"

Dawson was relieved. And also sad. The answer to his question was no, obviously. Casey had taken her relationship with Mills fairly well. It should have been as simple with Kelly and it sucked that they couldn't all coexist at the moment.

"No, but why didn't you tell me you were thinking about this?"

"Because I wasn't. Boden and I were talking… he mentioned my mom and it just came out of my mouth. It was never a conscious thing. The fire happened and we were running to that and you left right after shift. That's it. That's all that happened."

He was playing with the fingers of her left hand and she loved the feel of his calluses against her skin. Dawson felt some of her anger dissipate but she was still terrified because for all that he said he wasn't leaving her, for all their last bout of possession edged sex and her crying… something had to give and yet:

"You don't get to go where I can't follow either. Asshole" she muttered and looked up to find Kelly nodding _okay_ because he got it. He wasn't stupid. If he could show up at her doorstep yelling at her about running into collapsing buildings, then she was allowed to yell when he decided to change his work schedule. A schedule that gave them more time together than most other couples got without ever getting sick of each other. Which honestly, was the true miracle given their hot tempers.

"Alright. Are we done being mad at each other for a minute? Can I kiss you now?"

Yet again they had not decided anything. Again, they fought without any real resolution but Dawson nodded and fell into his embrace gladly. Kelly centered her on his lap, her legs on either side of his waist as he pulled her into a searing kiss. He performed a slow grind, holding her over the sweatpants clad erection she hadn't noticed and her nails clutched his shoulders and she was careful with his neck because of the bruises and he pulled the long plait of her hair loose to tumble over his hands like watershed silk.

 _Oh. Oh Oh._ She had missed him and he didn't seem to care that Shay was mere feet away from them, softly snoring so she didn't either. She pulled the waistband of his sweatpants down and there he was and Dawson let out a soft groan and he was asking if she knew how to be absolutely silent. If she could come without a sound and she glared up at him because they worked at the same firehouse and besides _we could just take it upstairs asshole_. He chuckled and Dawson felt her heart flip over. Things weren't so bad if she could make him laugh. She hid a smile while he cursed her clothes, shoving her jeans to her knees, pulling her tee shirt up impatiently. Tugging her breasts out of her bra. And then, just like that, she was ranged out over the counter. Cold granite pulling her nipples tight, bent in half as he kissed down her spine, then his hands holding hers, arms stretched out beyond her head as he eased forward and in. Dawson submitted happily and with a barely audible sigh.

"Baby, I really really missed you" Kelly whispered.

Dawson closed her eyes. _Baby_. He was calling her baby again and she remembered when she used to hate it. When she thought he was saying it just to say it. A throwaway sweet nothing to a casual lover. She didn't care anymore. He was saying he missed her. He was sucking the skin behind her ear hard enough to bruise as he pistoned slow but insistent inside her. He was all relentless heat as she shivered on the cold kitchen counter. She loved him and he'd missed her. And oh how that feeling was mutual. She bit her tongue so it wouldn't slip out. So she could have this one secret, her heart pounding in her ears while he whispered nonsense to her. He seemed so loud, so incredibly close and not close enough but she didn't have any thing left in her to worry about Shay. She didn't have the energy to push back when his one hand slipped between her and the counter to cushion the impact while flicking her clit. _How is it this intense?_ Dawson held Kelly to her neck with her one free hand, the other still enclosed in his grip. She squeezed and he squeezed back.

"I miss- I missed you too" she stuttered. Then Kelly tightened, she could feel it, ranged out under him, all his muscles tensed and the pace quickened and she brought their joined hands to her mouth just in case. Kissed his palm before fitting it over her lips and Kelly bowed his head to the seam where her shoulder met her neck and held on with lips and tongue. His groan and full body shudder the switch Dawson needed to come, her body flooded with pulsing ropes of white she could feel hitting her cervix with the throb of his cock. She hissed against his palm. Kelly kept playing with her clit through what she hoped were aftershocks but no, they were not. Her body spilled out of control, tremors rocking her from head to toe while Kelly, slower now, thrust in and out. Held her softly as her feet slid out from under her. _IloveIloveIloveyou_. It was all she thought. It was all she was capable of. The change was her. It was more intense because she'd finally let everything else go. Let him carry her to where they both wanted to go with absolute faith and all her trust. Dawson felt the orgasm swallow her whole and blow her apart, all her limbs working in concert against her...

Dawson opened her eyes to their hands entwined next to her head on the kitchen counter. Her feet weren't touching the floor. Kelly was breathing like a racehorse against her sweaty neck, nuzzling her in that way of his she adored. She raked her free hand through his hair and sighed. He was still snug inside her, enjoying the slight trembling of her actual aftershocks. She shivered when she felt his come slipping down her thigh.

"Are you back?"

"Mmmm. Uh huh" It was all she could manage. Kelly's laugh puffed out on her neck. He kissed it gently.

"Okay. Come on baby. I know how you hate this next part."

Dawson mewled quietly as Kelly left her body. Yes she was sore but also hollow now. She went to hold her hand over his come spilling out of her. Its warmth the only reminder and she wanted to keep it. Dawson quivered at the thought. She was officially certifiable but still her hand reached down. Kelly turned her around slowly and sat her up on the counter. He groaned when he saw what she was doing but didn't stop her. Instead, he moved to the fridge, grabbed the orange juice while she watched and poured her a glass. She didn't take it. Kelly looked at her and she shivered while holding his stare and his come inside her body just a little bit longer. He took a sip then moved forward to hold the glass to her lips and make her drink.

"You passed out Bri. Drink it" Kelly commanded.

So she did. So much of what she loved about him was how he showed tenderness. It was beautiful and gruff. Kelly didn't joke when he cared but it made him uncomfortable. She understood this as she gazed into his eyes over the juice glass, slowly swallowing. A different man, maybe a different Kelly, would have crowed about his sexual prowess but this man was concerned. His face seemed placid but his eyes gave the game away. Finally, Dawson pulled back, even as Kelly looked annoyed and pushed the glass to her lips.

"I'm fine."

"Tell that to someone who doesn't know you."

She didn't respond and he put the glass down with an audible _snick_ of glass on granite. There was still that undercurrent of strain now that the sex was over. Now that words were their currency and not their bodies. Dawson sat on the counter lost in her thoughts and daydreams. Then Kelly was moving her hand way to clean her up with a warm washcloth. She hissed and his touch gentled. Slower, softer, he wiped away the evidence of their kitchen counter encounter and Dawson raked his hair to some semblance of order with the hand not covered in come. When Kelly glanced up she licked it all off. He gave her a look she couldn't decipher before the washcloth was cleaning her fingers and then finally him. He was always last. She watched him rub the washcloth along his beautiful cock and her mouth dried. Dawson suspected he felt the same way she did about their come. He liked it to linger. Kelly dropped the cloth on the kitchen counter next to her. Dawson inhaled deeply in the quiet.

"If you're so worried, I'll make lunch after we shower. Okay?"

He nodded mutely then turned to look at where Shay was asleep on the couch, snoring. Dawson had kind of forgotten she was there, such was her preoccupation with the moment and with Kelly. She didn't have the energy to feel embarrassed. Kelly was picking his and her clothes up off the floor.

"Yeah and then we'll talk about Casey."

Dawson watched him take the stairs, naked and sweaty and oh so gorgeous, with trepidation. She knew what would happen when she followed. She knew what she wanted. She needed to convince Kelly it was him, and only him.

ʘ

Casey was busy. He was trying to find his mother before the parole officer called again and his mother's last boyfriend said he didn't know where she was and yet again he wondered if he had made a mistake speaking on her behalf. She had killed his father. A man who had diminished her, made her snap and he was half all of those genes, the controlling physically abusive sneering creep. He'd worked hard to prove that you weren't born to be exactly like your parents. He wasn't mean to the women in his life, he didn't hurt them. But when he finally found his mom he was going to yell so long and so loud she'd think his father had risen from the grave and he was too tired and angry to feel guilty about it. His cellphone rang with a high pitched trill.

"What?!"

"Calm down Matt."

His sister. Casey sighed and leaned his head back against the headrest in his truck. He wanted to be doing anything else on his day off but here he was. He felt her disdain over the phone line. He sensed her continued disapproval and long list of I told you so's in the background of every conversation and Casey was tired. So beyond tired of all the things falling apart around him like puzzle pieces that weren't glued to the board. "Jeffrey found her. He's making her call her parole office now"

Jeffery, her pencil pushing husband, had found their mother when he couldn't. No way was she was letting this go any time soon. Casey stifled a groan as he said thank you and his sister clucked her tongue and he could hear his niece singing softly in the background. It'd been too long since a visit of any sort but his mom was exhausting even in her absence from the house. He didn't have the energy for tense strained dinners with his brother in law and niece.

"What's going on with you Matt? You sound tired."

"Eh." he wasn't going to get into the firehouse debacle with his sister. She barely knew any of the players involved and they were only slowly coming back to an even footing since their mom's prison release.

"Work is being work. Both jobs."

"You need to relax. You take on too much," she chided softly and Casey smiled. His sister knew him well despite their distance. And on one level he did want to talk. To get advice on what to do with all the things he was juggling. Heather still called on him for help more often than not, her offer always standing between them. He wouldn't do it. He couldn't. Andy felt like he'd just left. Still. Like he'd walked around the corner and was taking forever to come back with the milk and you didn't sleep with your best friend's wife when it still felt like he could come back to claim her, their sons, their life in the house he'd helped them move into not more than two years before.

"I need to get some sleep is all" he replied quietly. It was nice that his sister worried, all the way out in Oak Park, her life so quiet and removed from the hectic pace he kept. He didn't resent her. He just didn't know how to be the way she and her husband were. He was a bit of a square for a firefighter. Casey knew that. But 9 to 5 and a suit everyday and a job that paid bills but didn't help people. Yeah no, not for him. He guessed he was trying to pay it forward or something.

"You need more than sleep Matt. This isn't your grumpy tired voice. You sound pretty beat"

Well that was fantastic. His sister, who he barely saw, could tell how drained he was by the sound of his voice. He couldn't. But maybe that was because he'd been living inside of it for so long. Juggling summer construction work with firehouse shifts and checking in on his mother and Heather and, Casey closed his eyes as he stopped trying to count all of the things he held on to. As the list of his commitments spiraled long and quiet into the empty cab of his truck. He felt suddenly, inextricably lonely and Casey knew it was because he was isolating himself from Gabi, from people in general after her relationship became public.

Maybe it was beating a dead horse to be mad but he was pretty sure the whole firehouse had known there was a thing between him and Gabi. The only one who had no excuse was Mills and they'd promptly blown up less than four months in because the probie was still a kid. And so, it felt like there was a little bit of pity in the way some of the guys looked at him. Like he'd blown it because yeah, Gabi was a surrogate sister to the guys of Firehouse 51, second watch but she wasn't _really_ a sister. And he was the one she'd shown interest in. The one she helped above and beyond and he was mad at Kelly for usurping that role in her life. They weren't assholes around the break room or anything thank god but she lit up for Kelly the way it used to be between them and yeah some of his anger was self-inflicted. Some of it was self-directed and all-consuming and he lashed out like a jerk because he was the jerk who'd let a good one go. They had been all sorts of off-kilter for too long because of Voight. Which he still maintained he had a right to be angry for. He truly believed Kelly would hurt her and deep down, Gabi knew it too. She wasn't that naive. It wasn't possible.

He hung up with his sister and started driving slowly back to his house. He should really sell it. It was Hallie and his place, the house where they were going to live together. Maybe it wasn't so healthy to dwell in a place that contained all the memories of his failure… something had to change. Fast. He still had no clue how long Kelly and Gabi had been together but Shay was no longer doing too much damage control on that front. He wondered why. It made him curious. Shay couldn't hide her palpable dismay at Kelly and Gabi's relationship. He'd seen her gawk and splutter while Kelly proceeded to say something stupid and pull Gabi close til the tiny blonde woman threw up her hands and walked away flustered. Maybe it was because of Angie. Shay had a person outside of the strange relationship to lean on. Angie had seemed fun enough at the bar all things considered. She'd taken care of Shay and been a voice of reason in an otherwise loud and angry scene.

Casey decided to take the long way back, to avoid all the construction sites he knew of and the traffic jams of the larger streets. He needed a plan. He needed- just then his phone beeped with a text. He glanced at it when he pulled up to the red light. _Hey Matt. Can you come over when you get a chance? Someone broke a window…._ Heather. Casey smiled. It was nice to be needed by someone. No matter what else was falling apart around him, one person asking for help was enough to make him see the bigger picture on all of it. He figured he'd figure everything else out in due time.

ʘ

Shay was kind of pleased that Kelly had finally acknowledged how right she was about the backlash dating Dawson had brought down on the firehouse. She was pleased but not necessarily happy because she'd had a front row seat to Dawson's slow burning meltdown, the tantrum rant echoed (still) in her ears about _of all the stupid selfish shortsighted shittastic things he could do…_ and Shay didn't disagree with Dawson on that point. Kelly transferring wasn't what any of the three of them wanted. Far from it. She thought back to that moment in Boden's office where she realized Dawson was not taking the idea of Kelly transferring well. At all.

First it was the quiet, _oh really?_ when Chief asked Shay if she had any insight into Kelly's sudden thoughts on departing 51. The restraint of Dawson's cocked eyebrow and slightly flared nostrils, the slow creep from incredulous irritation to abject horror before she stuffed every feeling into her anger output box and tilted the rest of their morning sideways with the dash back to their apartment for a confrontation. Shay burrowed deeper into the couch. It had been a good nap but she was hungry. Except she didn't really want to interact with the lovebirds at all. Shay, who had counseled Dawson to let Kelly go, to let her take care of him after the third storey building fall, and the PT and the bad moods, watched her partner send herself into a panic spiral over the idea that Kelly was leaving Firehouse 51. Just the idea. And Dawson was not a needy person. It seemed like at some point she was going to have to do the exact thing she did not want to do and sit down and talk it out with Dawson. Tell her things about Kelly maybe. It bugged the shit out of her but the insecure, frantic, so in love and so out of her depth Dawson was going to do something stupid. What could be stupider than hooking up with her manwhore of a best friend and crashing and burning several years of unresolved sexual tension, she wasn't sure but Dawson's talent at impulse was somewhat legendary. Plus she seemed so unhappy about just the thought of not being with Kelly. It really did make Shay pause and take notice. In all her years of listening to Dawson wax poetic about all of Casey's wonderful qualities, she'd never ever seen her partner react so wildly.

The weekend away was supposed to help Dawson relax and not worry about the fact that she loved Kelly and Casey was being a wounded bear. However Kelly had blown that up with his little bombshell. Dawson had been only slightly sappy. Slightly mopey which Shay had attributed more to Casey's stunning refusal than Dawson's confession of love. She hadn't mentioned Kelly once or checked her phone. The moratorium Shay had placed early in the weekend had worked and she'd even called Angie to warn her it would happen. Her girlfriend had grinned and rolled her eyes before going back to painting. Angie would be fun right now but she could hear Dawson and Kelly moving around the kitchen and she stopped for a second to listen. _What the..._

As accustomed as she was getting to their relationship, she still had no frame of reference for its parameters. No idea how her two friends actually operated as a pair. Dawson flew off the handle and it seemed like Kelly calmed her down. Which was definitely weird. Kelly calming anyone down outside of an emergency situation. And so, Shay snuggled deeper into the couch while semi-eavesdropping on her friends. Her friends who still wouldn't share much about their relationship. They were demonstrably guarded in the face of her early horror and so Shay had not broached the subject of Dawson's love confession with her over the last two days but it was something they would need to address again. Unfortunately. Especially if she persisted in believing that Kelly would run away from the sort of love Dawson might offer. Dawson didn't do chintzy. She didn't do sugar sweet. Not really. It's why she and Shay got along so well. If Kelly found out Dawson loved him, he'd take her and her love in whole hog and wallow in it greedily.

"Baby..." came Kelly's voice through the pillows over Shay's head. "you can't fix this."

"I'm not trying to fix it. I'm telling you not to make decisions about us based on his actions"

They were discussing Casey. This surprised Shay. She didn't think that Dawson would feel comfortable debating her relationship with the other lieutenant to Kelly but it seemed that she was wrong. Suddenly she could hear the sounds of Dawson cooking lunch with her pots and pans. Oil was sizzling in a pan. It sounded like Kelly was taking down plates while they argued, far more quietly than earlier.

"And stop bringing up how much I care about him. I've never lied to you Kelly. I'm right where I want to be"

"Come on D. You don't want to be the bad guy. You won't. So why get on my case about how I decide to make things better."

"You leaving 51 does not make things better. Don't be a jackass"

"Now wait a min-"

"He let Heather talk shit about you. Kelly. He let Heather blame you for Andy's death and I know both your heads are up your asses about it. Still. But she wasn't there. And he _just stood there like a-_ -"

"Hey. You didn't defend us either. You just stood there at the bar."

Shay didn't hear anything for a minute and she was curious enough to want to 'wake up' and see what was happening. Kelly was making soft sounds while Dawson harrumphed and a spatula scraped a pan. Shay listened for the noise of food flipping.

"You still think I don't believe in us"

"D baby… you're fine. We're fine"

"I don't want us to be fine! I want us to be happy! We were so fucking happy when no-"

"Shut up D. I'm happy."

There was a snort and then a sniffle and the loud sound of a slap against skin and Kelly's muffled _ouch_ and a spatula scraping in a dish and a quiet falling over the room like a hush as someone, presumably Dawson, sighed.

"Kelly… I see you remember? You're not happy. He's in your head. He knows you and knows just what to say to hurt you and then I spend days trying to pull you back. Don't give him anymore leverage. Please. Don't even suggest a transfer. If you go, I go and where would that leave Shay?"

It pulled Shay up short to hear this. All of it. Her friends were having an adult rational discussion about a problem instead of yelling. Dawson was using her as a bartering chip with Kelly. Dawson was saying if Kelly left Firehouse 51 she'd ditch Shay in a heartbeat. _Whatthefuuuuck?_ If Kelly didn't know Dawson was in love with him, after words like that these two truly needed mental health counseling. Which, to be fair, given the nature of their jobs, they all needed.

"You'd leave 51?"

That this is what Kelly latched on to out of everything that Dawson said, did not surprise Shay. It still made her want to slap him silly for not listening to the more cogent details… like Casey using his superior knowledge of Kelly to get him off-balance.

"For fuck's sake Kelly! What did I tell you when your prick of a parental unit was yelling at Boden?'

Kelly didn't answer immediately. Or at all, it seemed as Shay soon picked up the scrape of forks and knives against plates as they ate their food on the barstools presumably. She was silently processing everything she'd heard. While hearing Kelly say that she was right had been pleasant and deeply satisfying, the nature of this last argument, it's quiet overwrought feeling, so different from the bombast she was used to with these two fighting, it made her feel ill. She had to face it. Had to articulate this to herself for real now. Her friends weren't just fucking. They were a couple. Love was on that damn kitchen counter being served and eaten even if they never discussed it and she was curled up on the couch having a mini freak out because these two would _so_ be the types to pick up sticks and leave her behind. Kelly had already tried it once with Spain.

"You said never, D"

"Yeah, and I said take me with you. Okay?"

"Yeah, okay."

 _Holy shit._ This could not be happening. In no version of these events in her imagination, did Shay think about Kelly and Dawson actively pursuing their relationship away from 51. That they would make a mutual decision to upend everything for their own sake. That they could conceive of leaving her behind because of Casey. Dawson was willing to ditch 51 and Casey for Kelly. She had totally missed the mark on the kind of love that Dawson had confessed to in the ambulance. This didn't have the rationalizing quality of her affection for Mills. Nor was it the saptastic near mindless devotion she sometimes had for Casey. This was headstrong and crazy and it didn't even sound crazy as she laid there and listened to them speak, and softly kiss and murmur together. It was fucking earnest as hell and completely mutual.

Shay yawned loudly and stretched. She lifted herself into a sitting position on the couch and blinked blearily as two dark heads turned towards her. They were so entwined it was absurd. Dawson's knees between Kelly's, both of his hands up her shirt, while her hands clenched his bare shoulders.

"Something smells good. Any left for me?"

Shay pasted a smile on her face as she spoke. Dawson immediately got up to get her water and a plate. Shay looked at Kelly while she did so. He wasn't even looking at Shay. He was watching Dawson, like he was only now seeing her. His eyes were wonder-struck, like he couldn't believe she was actually here, in his kitchen. Like he couldn't believe she meant all the words they held between them that Shay would never know. It stung. It really hurt to accept but her friendship with Kelly was permanently altered. He wasn't damaged anymore. He wouldn't go out whoring off shift and come back with stories she could tell. Renee wasn't riding his subconscious with her betrayal. He was starting to believe he deserved what he wanted and he could have it. Dawson had given him that. Not her.

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 _Thank you for reading!_


	30. Chapter 30

**AN: This chapter contains the last sex scenes (yes multiple) we might see in the entire story because i believe i've closed in on an ending. It shouldn't be more than 10 chapters left and we all want that happy ending.  
**

 **Thank you as per usual for your kind and earnest responses to Chapter 29. Shay's moment of realisation is so key to how she navigates the way forward. She's as stubborn as both of her friends though. So expect some bumps in the road as she tries to be better with her loyalty to both Sev and Bri. She's been picking sides and nitpicking what could go wrong and she has finally got a window into what is right. She's seeing her friends be happy. Be better versions of themselves and she wasn't privy to their growth. That's going to hurt for a bit but she's so going to try guys!**

 **And thank you for your continued dedication to this now not so small story about my two favourite characters. I'm going to be so sad when the story is over. I take one storyline in an interesting direction this chapter. Review at your leisure. I'll just be anxious in a corner.**

 **Disclaimer: Property of Dick Wolf, NBC, et al.**

* * *

Casey didn't want Heather. He was sure of that but he'd been so burnt out after fixing her kitchen window that he'd fallen asleep on her couch and slept through the night. And he was waking up to her mouth on his cock, his hand fisting in her hair to make her stop but it felt so good and _oh God Andy_. He was not a duplicitous person. He did not do this shit and he was close to coming but he moved her off and Casey, embarrassed and groggy, spilled in his boxer shorts. He was trying to block out the sound of her. She'd been making noise like she loved it and Casey leaned back, eyes closed, wanting to take several hundred decisions back over the last six months and feeling incapable. _Shit_. He was tired and pissed and didn't want to deal with this. He clenched his hands into fists at his sides. It'd been a long time since someone had touched his body against his will.

"What was that for?" he asked hoarsely. Though he knew. Had known for months and avoided it because Andy deserved better from Heather, from him. He finally opened his eyes to look at her, completely naked sitting back on her heels and defiant. He guessed the boys weren't home to witness their mother like this. He pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa to cover her. Heather tossed it at his face. Casey folded it over his lap, a barrier between his body and hers as he worked to fix himself.

"Because I wanted to and you needed it". She declared, her cheeks flushed red. She was unapologetic in her desire."I've wanted to for awhile Matt". Casey paused. He was zipping up his jeans under the blanket but he had to look at her again after such a statement. He didn't want to think that this was another of those long burning crushes that seemed to plague him. Heather had been married the entire time she knew him. Andy was her high school sweetheart. Severide was best man at the wedding. They'd all gone into the academy at the same time and found each other. _Awhile_ could mean so many things that he didn't actually want to quantify but should. He really missed Hallie and how simple things were when she was still around. And as for him needing it...

"You're grieving Heather. We all are". It was true of course, if not the full story. At least, it didn't sound like it was the whole story on her end. Heather leaned back on her heels, knees spread and Casey was trying to have a rational conversation while she presented herself for the taking. He swallowed sharply and made certain to look her straight in the eye. He sat up on the couch and cleared his throat awkwardly while Heather shook her head sadly.

"He's gone Matt. Andy is gone and I'm still here. We're still here. The dead can only claim what we allow them and I'm not his anymore."

She wasn't wrong but it felt wrong and Casey was tired. So tired of taking care of too many things. And he knew if he did this, if he leaned into what Heather was offering, he would end up taking care of her and her sons and he couldn't. Not yet. Maybe not ever if this feeling of loyalty to Andy never faded. He hoped it wouldn't. He could not sleep with his friend's wife. He could not be mad at Kelly for Gabi and then turn around and do this. He didn't even want to do this. It would be out of loneliness, out of a need to blow up his own life even more than it already was. Boden was going to do something about them soon enough. Lieutenants fighting, even off shift, was bad for company morale. Casey spared Heather a glancing look as she waited for his response.

Heather was beautiful. She was pale and pink and soft but not who he wanted and she was putting herself out there boldly. Just like Gabi did, all the time, and then asking him on that date. Showing him how capable and loyal she was in all things. And he'd hurt Gabi. Watched the tears pool in her eyes when she said she wasn't good enough. How he'd tried to find the words to correct his mistake. Casey stifled a sigh. He couldn't hurt Heather like that. He wouldn't reject her outright but this literally could not go on like this anymore.

"Heather," he said softly. "This isn't the way to get over him. Not for me. I can't be the one to help you with this part". He didn't reach out. Did not touch her because mixed signals and his own body's weakness and it was time to get a move on but he would not leave this woman naked on her living room floor until she understood. Casey would help her in any number of ways but this.

"Why not?" Heather's voice was choked with tears. She leaned up into his face and Casey's head jerked back. A reflex, and Heather laughed sadly. "You don't think I feel guilty? You don't think I know wanting you. Wanting you even when Andy was alive and here makes me a bad wife?"

Her admission told Casey everything and crushed him just that little bit more. He leaned back on the couch with a sigh and a shake of his head. He didn't ask for this. It was a damn circle jerk of desire for the wrong person at the wrong time. Heather with him. Him with Gabi. Gabi with him and she was the only one who'd broken the loop by chasing the exact wrong guy for anyone. Kelly. And she was doubling down on him like nobody's business for whatever reason. Maybe she just got tired of waiting. He could understand that a little. Sometimes he was too patient. Too calm. Sitting here looking at Heather who apparently had wanted him while married to one of the funniest guys he'd ever known. It hurt. It truly hurt to think that while he was with Hallie and wanting Gabi, Heather was married and wanted him and what were the odds of any one person in the universe finding their other half anyway?

"Fucking me won't make you feel less guilty, Heather".

"No. It just makes the guilt matter. It makes it all not such a fucking waste."

Casey leaned forward to rest his face in his hands. He breathed in and out slowly. Heather wanted redemption. He wanted peace. A moment where the world wasn't tilting on its axis in the opposite direction of where he wanted to be going. He felt Heather move closer. Felt her hand on his back as he continued to hide in his hands. She climbed up into his lap as Casey breathed noisily. He just couldn't do this. He could not fucking do this. Who was he if he did this? Heather pulled his hands away, rested his head between her breasts. Eased closer to hug him. Casey kept breathing. In and out. In and out. He knew what and who he wanted. It wasn't this. It wasn't her. He was tired and he was lonely and he couldn't have what he wanted. Casey rested his hands on Heather's hips and looked up.

ʘ

Okay so maybe, just maybe he loved Bri. She made it so damn easy which made it so damn hard to wrap his head around after knowing her so long. She'd been there since the beginning. Since Renee Whaley and that whole epic disaster of announcing "I'm not engaged anymore" and they weren't really close then but she'd been sorry. She'd baked cookies even while everyone else was saying he couldn't commit to a car, let alone a girl. Assholes. He loved his classic car and Bri had been nice and sweet probably to prove she was a good girl to Casey which wasn't the point. Not to him. Not now because Bri was genuinely just that good. And years later when Shay was yelling at Eric Whaley about Renee cheating she'd come up to him after and been all _Dude really_ and glared at Shay. But Shay was the keeper of both their secrets and he hadn't wanted anyone to know. He was good at being the bad guy. He could take it. He had that look about him.

Except these days Bri would give _him_ a look, say shut up, kiss the daylights out of him, pull him out of his own thoughts by his hair and see straight through him. Say, _you are not the only one who has damage and I'm here. Asshole_. And she was. Here. Bri made mistakes and got anxious. She could freeze like a deer caught in oncoming headlights. And funny how her big brown eyes made him think of a deer just now, but on a good day, no on any day, great or terrible, Bri showed up looking like a glass of water in the worst sort of heatwave.

And he seriously didn't know how they'd gotten to this right here but he thanked god they had. Morning sleepy sex, slow slow slow with her hair falling all around him, her muttered throaty Spanish, he still pretended not to know. She said _KellyCariñoSevvvvv_ drawled out like it was all one word. And he'd figured out she was calling him sweetheart, calling him sweetie, calling him _hers_ without letting him know. Except he did and he liked it. A lot. He took his hands off her ass, rocking back and forth over him like a wave going out out out to pull her face close for a sweet kiss. She opened her eyes just a little to smile when he did it. He wanted more. He wanted to pull her in, beg her to fuck him harder but at the same time he reveled in her soft, light touches, the husky sound of her sleep-drugged voice before coffee. The way she made this one little half sound like a gasp when he pulsed deep inside her and how she went searching for the thing that made it happen. She was pressed all the way on top of him now. Touching him from tit to toe, her palms resting on his cheeks, like his were on hers. Their kiss a long protracted affair of breaths shared and unchecked groans. Kelly's thighs were trembling as he reached for an edge of control.

"Baby..."

"Lo se bebe lo se" Bri whimpered. "I know. Give me a minute. Give me..."

Her words petered out on an echoing gasp for air as Kelly turned them on their sides, angled his right thigh over her left hipbone and rolled his hips up to kneel over her, his hand tugging at Bri's hair while she continued to gasp.

"Stay with me Bri"

Bri's eyes blinked open with difficulty, her mouth a round soundless O of pained need that Kelly understood.

"You want slow yeah? Baby I will give you slow. I will give you whatever you want if you look. at. me." But she didn't. He punctuated his words with a drawn-out slip of his hips against hers. The sound in the back of her throat changed. Kelly kept going. Felt her nails scratch his back. Imagined his body like a slow-winding clock, the tick-tick constant and steady, exactly what Bri needed to get off as he dragged himself in and out, in and out. Kelly flinched as a sudden spasm shot through his tibia. He didn't make a sound but Bri stopped immediately.

"What's wrong? Is it your leg?"

Kelly clenched his teeth around the yes in his throat. He didn't want to break the moment. He didn't want to be weak right now. But his silence said enough to make Bri push him gently off and out, her thighs trembling viciously as she failed to suppress how close she'd been to coming. Her chest heaving as she gasped. Kelly stifled his own groan as Bri sat up. All business, she made him straighten out his right leg, her fingers trailing in precise lines along the fracture's ridge.

"Let me see," her voice still had that smoker's husk. Her hair was falling all over her shoulders, hiding her as she bent over. "When's your next follow-up appointment?"

"It's fine. PT said I was good."

"Doesn't mean you're not going to feel pain. You need to monitor how your leg feels. Don't overtax it." Kelly was about to protest when she pressed down on the bone and he yelped and kicked involuntarily. Bri dodged backwards. It would have been funny if Bri's face hadn't gone distant and thoughtful. Her hands slowly massaging his lower leg as she puzzled through why he would still be in pain.

"Were you completely honest with the doctor about your pain threshold?"

"You mean the pills?"

"No Sev, I mean did you tell him when exercises hurt during a PT session and how. Did you do that consistently?"

Kelly sat and thought about it for a minute before he accused Bri of lecturing him about not taking care of himself. She wasn't saying that. As her hands massaged him, the slow sleepy strokes growing purposeful, Bri woke up and she always woke up with even less of a filter than the usual. He recognized that she was worried. That she was trying to show she cared.

"You think I got rushed through medical clearance? I was out for three months!"

"For a complex medical situation that should have had you out for six. Sev you had three broken ribs, a fractured tibia that we are so so lucky wasn't compound or else you would have needed more surgeries, maybe metal pins, never mind the concussion. You can't tell me you don't still get headaches. I know you do."

Kelly decided that Bri watched him a little too closely for his liking. She sounded upset just reciting his list of injuries. He didn't know she'd still be watching like a hawk for his pain.

"I wanna be strong for you".

 _Fuck_. That. That just slipped right out but apparently it was the right thing to say because Bri smiled softly and stopped focusing on his leg, one hand tapping his cheek lightly before it turned into a caress.

"Silly Sev. You are. But you're also human. I don't expect you to always be strong. I can take care of myself."

She could but this is where he figured he knew how he was feeling had deepened beyond his control. He needed to take care of Bri. He wanted to support and help her, not be a drag on her. Being injured was a drag. Depending on others to take care of him, even a little, had always been hard but he trusted Bri. Had reached out to her when the pills got out of hand. When she'd called him out. She'd never judged him. Had helped him. He didn't want their relationship, and he was calling it that because what the fuck else could you call something so intense, to be about Bri playing nursemaid. Hell to the fuck no. He didn't want something wrong with him to be the reason they always stopped midstream in whatever they were doing. He pulled her hand from his cheek to kiss her palm.

"I know you can. It's not about that. What do you need Bri? What do you want?"

He watched Bri's face crumble with confusion. She was still focused on his leg and he wanted to change the subject. He wanted it to be about her and what she needed. Kelly tried to explain, stumbling over his words as a rare blush heated his cheeks.

"I was injured most of Spring and you took care of me. Even when we weren't together, you cooked and couldn't stop hovering-" Bri went to interrupt but Kelly traced her lips with his thumb. "You took care of me. I want to return the favour. I want to give you what you want."

A slow smile creased her face under his thumb. Bri edged forward to kiss him, her hair enveloping them as she eased into Kelly's lap slowly, careful of his leg in that exaggerated way she sometimes did when she thought she was clumsy. He watched her take him into her with a small gulp as she sighed into the feel of him opening her up. She adjusted her position over him, hands braced on his shoulders while the only place he was touching her was still her face. Two breaths from their last kiss and she hadn't responded to his words but he widened his hips to accommodate her between his legs, her thighs draped over each of his as her shudders began anew. Bri gazed at him with this look. This sweet shy look he couldn't account for, neither of them moving as he throbbed and she quivered.

Finally Bri spoke, "I want you. All of you. Weak. Strong. This and everything beyond this. No favours. No turns."

She kissed his nose with a tremulous smile. "I need you. I told you but you weren't listening. You aren't a chore, Sev. You aren't a task I check off on a list and expect something in return. You are enough. You are the gift."

That was funny because he figured she was the gift. The chance he'd never seen coming. He wasn't the good guy. He was never going to be the sort of man, you brought home to your dad without a slew of questions and outright concern for your mental state. Bri kissed him lightly, her smile shaking against his lips and Kelly looked at her. Really looked at her. She was scared. _Of him? Of being rejected?_ He responded to that thought by pulling her closer. By kissing her full on the mouth, then her nose, then her forehead, wrapping his arms all the way around her while she shook. But she gave him words and it was only right she received them. Awkward though he was. Kelly felt heat scale his neck like a slow burning fire in another room.

"I want all of you too. I am a selfish man. Greedy. And we'll have to disagree on who's the gift because you are. You're… do you really need me to remind you what I was thinking that first morning?" Bri nodded around her soft smile and Kelly groaned. He closed his eyes to picture it exactly as he remembered. Bri in the kitchen with a curly bobbing bun of riotous hair. Her boyshorts and her smile. Kelly peered into Bri's gaze. When he spoke his voice was hoarse.

"You were this damn gorgeous angel. Except I knew you. And you knew me and you'd let me into the sweetest part of you anyway." He rotated his hips to make his point and Bri gasped as she rocked into him. Kelly smiled, his hands still on her cheeks. "And you didn't expect anything but I wanted you to. I wanted everything you could give me. Immediately."

 _I just couldn't say it._ Kelly still couldn't. Not really. They were sitting in the middle of his bed, naked, pulled flush against each other. Not _not_ having sex while they talked but the talking was more important. Kelly gave one slow thrust and was rewarded with a soft moan.

"How do I take care of you Bri? You have to tell me. You need to use your words."

And he really needed to know. The impetus ravaged his subconscious like an illness. This vehement urge to do and give Bri more. Kelly slowly traced his fingers through her hair and down her back until his hands relaxed over the curves of her generous ass and he held Bri still as he thrust once, twice, watching her face for a reaction. She keened in full-throated abandon. He still wanted her to say what she needed. How he could take care of her. It was hard to explain how she filled a deep-seated ache in him. He didn't even know it was there until she discovered it, climbed inside and made it hers to soothe. She probably didn't even know she did it.

"Sev?"

Kelly blinked back into the moment with Bri's quiet voice. She was looking shy again and he wouldn't call it absurd because they were both working on things. On how to be in this together instead of floating through it and Bri being soft, being fragile was terrifying to her. He knew that. Kelly held her cheek in his hand and waited while she swallowed. "Can we stay like this? Can we just be here for awhile, you inside me while we kiss and hold on?" He nodded because he sensed she had more to say and didn't want to scare her off. He kissed her as a look of relief greeted his nod. When he pulled back Bri's eyes were glassy with tears and half of him wanted to panic and freak out. _I never talked to Antonio._ She held him still with her gaze and whispered:

"You are my favourite place. You make me feel found, like who I am makes sense. All of it. You calm me down and rile me up and you're there. You take care of me Sev. I'll find better words. I promise. But right now I want you inside of me just touching me, nothing else. I want you right here in my sweetest part until we can't take it anymore. Until we're starving. Until we _have_ to move. There are a hundred different ways I need you _cariño_ but this is the way I want right now."

Sex was easy for Kelly. They both knew this but Bri wasn't talking about sex. She was talking about that full feeling where he bottomed out in her, before he let go. Where they were still and quiet as he stretched her open and she relaxed into a clench around him. She wanted that for as long as possible and he shuddered just thinking about how much she wrecked his self-control. He bent to kiss her nipples until they tightened before he could respond. He was her favourite place to be. Him. He wanted to ask if she meant the sex but it would ruin the moment and he kind of thought maybe she was using it as an analogy for something else but couldn't share just yet. He was a person, not a place. She meant something different.

"How do you want it?" he croaked hoarsely. She was tight around him already, the wet pulsing heat of her begging him to move. He could literally feel her pulse beat in her clit. He wanted to touch it. He felt Bri move forward until she was skin to skin with him. Her stomach on his, her breasts against his chest and he felt her slight shiver as his chest hair rasped against her soft breasts. Her arms were around his neck, her legs around his waist. She kissed his throat where bruises were still fading.

"Like this. I want to see and touch all of you. I always want to see you." Bri whispered. She'd been whispering all along like she was afraid of her own voice which they both knew she wasn't. He would never mock her when she felt vulnerable. He brushed her hair out of her face and tucked it behind both ears. He kissed her forehead and her nose but paused over her lips, waiting for her mouth to open, breathing her in as she breathed out on a trembling quiver and he clenched his stomach to keep still.

"Is this okay?" he asked quietly.

Still not kissing her just breathing her air and letting her ride out the trembling wave instead of rocking with her. Bri's breath hitched and he caught it, her hands clutching at his back as she nodded. Eyes luminous in her heart shaped face, staring at him. He'd been forgetting this part lately. He'd been hurt by the confrontation with Casey and he'd punished her for it. They'd punished each other. He'd stopped holding her gaze while they fucked so he did it now. Searching for that feeling he always got when they did. _There_. In between her hitched breath and the slow moving shiver of her thighs that just would not quit, he was seen and known and worshiped just as he did the same for her. His right hand grabbed her ass to hold her still against him and she clenched around him hard. They both moaned. It was going to be a long fucking morning or rather a long morning not fucking but something else entirely. Kelly kissed Bri in earnest, letting his tongue explore the inside of her mouth for the secrets she wouldn't give him and more. Her face had that flush that only he could see, the slightest bit of pink as her thighs quivered over his hips and she clenched over his cock with a viciousness that stole his breath.

"Baby..."

"Don't. Move. Oh. _Oh_."

He listened to her trail off incoherently. Babbling insensible as she tried not to writhe on him. He was still as she requested, a sheen of sweat coating them both as they sat, their bodies pressed together, his cheek finally resting against her hair, listening for everything she did not say.

ʘ

It was 24 hours til second watch was on call again and Boden dreaded it. Two men he thought of as sons were fighting. Were actually physically fighting each other off shift and their subordinates were hiding it, protecting them. Trying to protect the firehouse because they were loyal to each other like all firefighters were to their company. No other fights had broken out for which he was thankful. Even if Truck and Squad had taken sides, the men themselves were staying out of it in favour of letting the lieutenants destroy each other at their leisure. Kelly was right though. Something had to change and it surprised Boden that the suggestion had come from him. A transfer. He was reluctant to do it. Didn't think it would solve anything and if things were the way he thought they were between Kelly and Dawson, she'd run riot if it did happen. The way she had torn out of his office when he'd asked Shay's opinion on the matter certainly suggested she'd be a terror to deal with. He'd never given his opinion on them because it wasn't his place. They worked together but were not in charge of each other so there was no direct professional conflict.

Even if Kelly did fuss over Dawson at a job sometimes and vice versa. He found them funny really. Cute in a funny way. Dawson had smacked Kelly upside the head a couple times for saying something stupid at a job before remembering his concussion and looking so chagrined Boden had to stifle a laugh. Kelly in turn, had practically smothered Dawson when she had a close call. All in all, the two hotheads played off each other well. He couldn't deny that they kept the job paramount in both their minds. He'd heard Kelly spew expletives aplenty when Dawson went off on her own to take care of an injured civilian but he'd never left his position. She always radioed in her location. Always let Kelly and by extension the rest of the crew, know where and what she was doing even if she was going rogue. He appreciated that Kelly had gotten her to do that at least. Boden wasn't going to separate his team, his family. They'd had a hell of a year so far and he wasn't about to penalize the firehouse because two of his men were grieving and angry and lashing out. But something still needed to change. He needed Kelly and Matt to either sit down in a room and talk or beat the living shit out of each other and call it square. Maybe…

Boden sighed. It was times like this he thought of all the drama he'd caused in his own halcyon days. _Ingrid_. He'd loved her deeply but his loyalty to her husband, his deep seated needed to do the so called right thing had torn them apart. It had ripped up their whole foundation so that not even a friendship was left. And so he'd lost not just his lover but a friend. And then Henry died and Benny scorched whatever was left with his rage and indignation. It was so deeply unfair. He had loved one woman while Benny had run out on wife after wife after wife, leaving broken hearts and homes like they were vacations he took before some other life called him back. Who was he to judge? How exactly was insulting the memory of a fallen firefighter supposed to help anyone and yet he did it time and time again. Waging war in Boden's firehouse while his own son looked on incredulous and not a little embarrassed. His son who, in the midst of his own drama, thought of the most uncomfortable solution, to remove himself from the equation. It made Boden want to smack Benny so hard. There was nothing of his father in Kelly, not to his mind. And his lieutenant's disbelief, his outright shock at being described as just like his mother...there was nothing he could do to convince the younger man but time. Time that would only occur if he kept his stubborn ass at Firehouse 51 with his family. There was no doubt in Boden's mind that Kelly thought of the house as family. If he left, only then would he be like Benny.

Boden had a plan forming in his mind. He needed a couple other people to weigh in on his idea. Definitely, he needed buy in from a couple other firehouses if not city departments. Summer was a tough time across the board for civil servants in Chicago. They were all due to let off some steam.

ʘ

Shay tried to contain her gasp but couldn't. All of Angie's glorious naked skin was glowing with sweat. Angie's dark hair suddenly looked deep auburn and Shay groaned loudly when her girlfriend held her clit between her lips and lightly sucked, her fingers curving inward on just the right spot, her other hand holding onto her hipbone, requesting stillness.

Which Shay just could not do as she rocked in a small circle, soundlessly pleading for more. Angie laughed against her pubic bone and her warm breath made Shay shiver. Made everything tighten and her fingers kept pushing in and out and Shay couldn't resist making a low noise until Angie leaned back and away, reaching for the lube. Shay closed her eyes, listened for the slicking noise of lube, gasped when Angie parted her thighs and slid the smooth bulb of a toy against her slit slowly before pushing it all the way in on a firm thrust. Shay heard a satisfied groan and opened her eyes.

Angie had inserted the other end of the dildo in her and was slicking her fingers over her clit just looking at Shay. Like Shay was the hottest thing she'd ever seen. She rearranged her thighs over Angie's splayed legs, fucking her backward onto the bed, seizing control and had the distinct pleasure of watching her mouth fall open and her thighs shake just a little and then they were both moving. Finding a rhythm that worked, all the while watching each other until Shay moved Angie's fingers out of the way to play with her clit and Angie said _yes_! Like that was all she'd wanted all day and Shay rocked into her, feet planted on either side of her rib-cage for leverage as she started moving more urgently, the flush of an orgasm starting slow but insistent in her toes. That full body heat feeling that climbs and climbs…

Suddenly Angie jerked, head thrown back, her hip tilting up over and over. Completely mindless in her ecstasy, and Shay, helpless in the throes. Dragged into the current with a jolt, and without warning a long loud scream.

A giggle had Shay opening her eyes.

"That was fun" She watched while Angie lost herself to the joy that was her orgasm. Sometimes she'd laugh through her aftershocks. Her body a delicious bundle of nerves sparking. Any sort of touch could set her going again and just then they were still connected so Shay felt everything, a shudder trembling through her.

"It was."

She gasped as Angie pulled away and the dildo fell out. Not more than thirty seconds later, she was cuddling Shay close, affectionate and sweet in a way that made Shay wary. She responded to Angie's kiss absent-minded and slightly worried. Shay was always worrying these days which was unfortunate. Angie was not oblivious to the tension that was slowly revisiting the blonde. She turned Shay around and lay on top of her, callused artist hands framing her face like a picture.

"Can't you just relax Leslie?"

Shay went to respond and stopped. She hadn't told Angie what she'd discovered about Kelly and Dawson. How she felt stupid and neglected and like she didn't have a place in their universe. She hadn't even told Angie about Dawson's love confession which would have had Angie squealing and asking for details. Truth was, as sweet and generous as Angie was, Shay didn't know if she could trust her as deeply as Dawson and Kelly did each other. She didn't want another lecture about how it wasn't her job to control things. How she had to accept that the people around her were going to do whatever they wanted. Shay looked up into Angie's inquisitive face and felt curiously afraid to say anything.

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 _Thank you for reading!_


	31. Chapter 31

**AN: Hi Hi. Sorry sorry. I think this is the longest I've gone without posting an update but I'm back! Work got the best of me and then I was reworking a couple storylines because of what is shaking to come down the pike for Firehouse 51. But first of all:  
**

 **THANK YOU for your reviews. Last I checked the site I had like 120 total and now there are 130 so to Clementine20, PilyMiriam, oldsoulsandhandsomedreams, curtis22 and all you guests, thank you. Seriously that jump was a delightful surprise and gave me the jumpstart I needed to tweak this chapter and get it out to you guys.**

 **To all my readers, thank you for sticking with me! This thing is now 112,000 words in Word without author notes... I can't even process how I got here from chapter 1.**

 **This chapter is building on a couple of themes from 30. Mostly fleshing out what Boden is plotting for his boys. One of you already guessed where I was taking this so without further ado...**

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Peter Mills was quietly looking at his mom, stirring a spoon in his morning coffee, as she began set up for the diner's breakfast rush before sunrise. They were still, for the most part, on strained terms. The affair with his boss rose between them in his quiet resentment for all the digs she took at his chosen profession. His desire to follow in his father's footsteps despite the cost to their small family. Peter still hadn't said a word to her about what Gabi finally confessed. Angry as he was, confronting his mother was not something he did lightly. At this point his knowledge was a cancer, eating at their bond. Just like it did with Gabi. It gave him some perspective on how she'd felt, carrying Boden's secrets. It didn't change his feelings about her deceit but he loved her enough to understand it now. How being privy to your boss's sordid history was as awkward as it was painful for him to look at his mother and know she'd been naked with that same boss.

There was no easy way to broach the matter and long arguments with his sister had helped nothing. She sympathized but wanted to keep the past buried. Didn't want him to dig at wounds that had never fully healed. And he wasn't stupid enough to think they were healed. His mother was beautiful and still single all these years later. It made him wonder. Was she still holding on to his father's memory or to Boden's? Either one was galling no matter how he looked at it. One was dead, incapable of coming back to her. The other…

He needed to know her side of the story before he said anything to Boden. He needed to know if she would lie and use more subterfuge, attempt to persuade him away from firefighting with her pain or finally get down to brass tacks and just say the damn thing. It was years too long for anything but the facts. Peter looked down at his coffee one last time, stirring the spoon. It was the colour of his skin, more milk than coffee. He didn't have to ask if he was his father's son at least. There was no way he could be Boden's looking like he did. He sighed.

"I know about you and Chief Boden ma,"

He glanced out of the corner of his eye as his mother's back stiffened behind the counter. She was setting out the day's pies one by one in their glass containers. She carefully placed the blueberry rhubarb right next to the cash register. She turned around slowly.

"You know what, exactly, Peter?"

And just like that Peter Mills knew his mother was going to lie.

ʘ

Shay was feeling a tad bit glum. Angie had picked a fight with her about being a control freak and why the fuck couldn't she just _be for one second_ without plotting the next three hours of her life never mind theirs. She'd said theirs. Implying she wanted them to build a life together and Shay had been gobsmacked. She was basically a functional alcoholic with deep seated control issues who had wild crazy sex with women until it got needy and she felt like she was going to be eaten alive like what happened with Clarice. For fuck's sake what kind of name was that anyway? Didn't her parents see Silence of the Lambs?

And Kelly. Kelly was moving on! He was being functional and adult with Dawson of all people. How the hell had that even happened. At most she thought they'd be a spring fling when they started out. Silly and all hot sex with their hot tempers. If she squinted she could see the appeal but not really. Then Kelly got injured and Dawson ran scared and Kelly fought her over their connection and here it was, another season almost over and they were going strong. Dramatic as all get out but strong. Wilful even, which made complete sense for the personalities involved. And she was still on the outside looking in. Her friendship with each of them altered so fundamentally by their relationship that it was like she was the starter best friend until they got to each other. Because that was exactly what it felt like sometimes. Dawson was still telling her some things at least, like she loved Kelly but she never broached the topic of Casey anymore. Not even when it was clear that his ultimatum had forced her hand and hurt her deeply. Shay wondered if she had told Kelly. If theirs was a relationship that confessed everything to each other. She doubted it. Or else they would have gotten to the I love you part by now and Dawson wasn't ready yet. Not by a long shot after years of Casey yearning. You can't switch feelings off that fast. No matter how intense your new feelings were.

Kelly still checked in on Shay. Made sure she was okay but she could tell it still hurt that she was unflinchingly honest in her opinion about him and Dawson. He read it as unsupportive when she was trying to take care of him. She was admittedly, not the greatest at that all the time. She'd helped him get addicted to painkillers after all. Something that Dawson still didn't know thank god. She'd never asked who was supplying Kelly. Didn't know she'd jeopardized both their careers by stealing meds for his use. Had focused solely on getting him well while Shay hadn't been strong enough to get him to seek any help which really fucking sucked. She'd just enabled his injured ass. And that was before Kel and Dawson were an item.

Shay froze as she really thought about it. For fuck's sake she was so fucked on this wasn't she? Dawson had gotten Kel to seek help and treatment when _they weren't even good friends_. How much trouble was she in now they'd gotten so deep into each other that nothing else mattered but them? They couldn't leave 51, that just was not an option. Shay wracked her brains for a solution to the dilemma. She was painfully aware that it was doing and thinking things exactly like this which had resulted in her argument with Angie. She never said Angie was wrong per se. It just felt like Angie was judging her, not taking her side in the situation. She couldn't change who she was. Loyalty to her friends came with a side dose of overbearing maternal instinct handed down through at least three generations of Midwestern motherhood. Shay literally had no idea how to be any other way with the people she loved most. It was why she rarely called her own parents. It was suffocating and why she lived more than two hours away from any blood relative. She could see what she was doing. Shay really could and she hoped she wasn't half as bad as her own mother. She didn't think she was but Shay just didn't how to not be herself. It felt like that was what Angie was criticizing. Her. Who she really was.

Kel and Dawson were still upstairs. It was early yet and she was making enough coffee for all three of them before they headed into shift. Yesterday they'd been so weird and quiet. It was rare that they spent the entire of their off shift days together. She figured the weekend away had made them recognize some things maybe. Or they were still fighting about the possibility of leaving 51, and doing so together. Dawson was just irrational enough to do it. To follow where Kel led her because she gave props where they were due, Kelly had made Dawson a priority in his life. He sought her out, cosseted her as much as the big idiot could when they were out on a job and let her be her occasionally harebrained self without critique. He treated Dawson the way he would care for her but with the intensity notched upwards by a factor of… Shay couldn't even say and didn't want to.

After the waterfront building collapse he stopped heeding her words about Dawson altogether. He'd gone over there, crutches and all, and hadn't come back til the following afternoon, jaw clenched, hands in fists over the crutches, looking for a fight she hadn't given him. They had never discussed that particular job. How he'd heard it all on the scanner. How she came off-shift and back to a silent apartment and known exactly where he had gone. Kel was loyal. He was also way overprotective in his own way. He didn't hover but he definitely showed up when you were hurt or in pain. He'd cared enough about Dawson to show up and stick around and had silently told Shay it was none of her business.

Technically, it wasn't. You just couldn't pay Shay not to worry about family. Kelly was family. Not adopted. Just plain family. They'd moved in together right after her start at 51 and gelled so quickly it felt like fate. He'd been willing to help her have a baby before common sense knocked on the door of her brain and told her to be smarter. And Kelly would be an awesome dad. She just knew it. He'd been so nervous in the hospital with Clarice's newborn but smiled down at the kid anyway. He had loved her and supported her through every irrational bout with the hormone injections and beyond. Her best friend was an utter manwhore but such a good man into the bargain. She really couldn't begrudge him the heartfelt intensity that was his relationship with Dawson. She really couldn't. It just… she just wished it didn't impinge so much on their friendship. She didn't want them to change and they already had. Shay poured out a cup of coffee and sat at the kitchen counter with a yogurt cup. He didn't even steal her yogurt anymore. It was one of their things that was quickly not becoming a thing and she missed it. She missed a whole bunch of things and wasn't adjusting well.

She heard footfalls on the spiral staircase but didn't look up. Allowed herself a couple more moments of silent reflection on where they all were in their friendships with each other and Shay was very relieved that she and Dawson were on semi-easy footing. The weekend trip had helped. Away from the boys Dawson was carefree and silly and still her partner in paramedic crime. She'd mostly forgiven Shay for butting in with her opinions on dating Kelly and where that put her with Matt. She wasn't allowed to say the word _backburner_ for a really long time she figured. Which was fine if she and Dawson were okay. It wasn't perfect. On some level, their trust was compromised. She'd told Dawson to break it off with Kelly and they'd both been miserable. Then she'd wheedled and prodded and suggested she was maybe treating Kelly the way Casey had treated her and that fight ended in a scorching retort the likes of which she never wanted to feel again. Dawson wasn't big on making people feel like shit, quite the opposite. But the way she'd lit into Shay about how dare she compare what Casey had done with anything approaching how she cared about Kelly. It had been eye opener. She was glad they had recovered. Mostly.

Dawson bounced off the last step and came swinging into the kitchen with the sort of dreamy look you found on Disney princesses. Her hair was floating in curly waves down her back. She was dressed in a tee shirt and jeans, grey ballet flats on her feet. She was smiling and soft and greeted Shay sleepily despite being fully dressed and by all accounts ready to head out the door.

"Kelly's still in the shower but he'll be down soon"

Shay responded with a nod, noting that hers and Kelly's go bags were already packed by the front door which meant Dawson was now keeping clothes in Kelly's closet to judge by what she was wearing. They were packing their go bags together. It was all so domestic. But then she'd heard them the other day in the kitchen, talking rationally while Dawson cooked lunch. While Dawson used her as leverage to keep Kelly at 51. Was she allowed to bring that up or not? It was eavesdropping of course but she'd been on the couch the whole time, not like she was being sneaky or anything. Shay watched Dawson grab bread to make toast, four slices as she pulled out the butter and grape jam she'd bought and put in their fridge. She and Kelly definitely ate better with Dawson around. There was no time for a full breakfast but Dawson liked at least one hot thing with her coffee. Even as she pulled out Kelly's cereal and shook it into a bowl. She wouldn't pour the milk until he was sitting down but Dawson didn't waste time in the mornings, especially since she wasn't a morning person and usually had to act fast.

"I hope it's a quiet shift," Dawson muttered as she finally reached for the coffee.

"Hrm? Why's that?"

"I need to get a haircut and I'd rather not fall asleep in Karen's chair," came Dawson's reply as she sipped slowly on the hot beverage.

Shay leaned back on her stool to look at Dawson's hair. It was gorgeous and insanely long. She hadn't cut it since before Christmas. She was due an overhaul and was curious what her usually practical friend would do this time. She'd never seen it get this far past her shoulders.

"What are you thinking?"

"I dunno. Need to trim the dead and split ends out so that's three inches at least off the bottom. I'll talk it out with Karen. I trust her to keep me relatively low maintenance".

It was an inane conversation. It was normal. No drama to it as Shay relaxed into her thoughts on the matter, trading suggestions with Dawson on what worked and didn't work given the high intensity of their job and how much they sweat etc. Dawson munched on her toast and sipped her coffee while Shay ate yogurt and it was good. She wasn't going to tell Dawson about her fight with Angie just yet. She wanted her opinion but wasn't sure what advice if any, she wanted. Dawson was in love with her best friend and currently in a spiral about his random change in career path trajectory. She was probably not going to give the most balanced advice on a fight where Shay came off as the control freak she totally was.

"Hey D!" Kelly called from his bedroom.

"Go bags are by the door Kelly," Dawson responded easily. Like she knew what Kel was thinking without explanation. She smiled around her mug of coffee. The dreamy look resurfaced briefly. Yeah… Shay wasn't saying one word about her fight with Angie this shift. Dawson was love-dumb and liable to say some _go with the flow_ or just _embrace the madness_ shit.

"Are you still going to-"

"Yeah! Come downstairs and have a normal conversation idiot!"

The loud sound of Kelly's footfalls pounding down the metal staircase reverberated through the apartment. He was pulling on his tee-shirt as he went, not looking where he was going which, given his most recent injury, Shay would have yelled at him about but Dawson beat her to it.

"Are you trying to have another fall?! Kelly! Where are your shoes?!"

Kelly grinned. Ignored Dawson's question in favor of striding over to take a bite of her toast and sip some of her coffee. She grumbled but poured the milk in his cereal and handed him a spoon. Shay watched Dawson hop off her stool to make Kelly coffee without him even asking. He took another bite of her toast while she did and Dawson mock glared as she presented him with his coffee black, two sugars. Kelly thanked her before coming back to their original conversation. The one Shay only half understood until Kelly ran a hand through Dawson's hair and said,

"Don't take too much off. Your hair's beautiful," and Dawson snorted. Rifled a hand through his hair in turn and tugged a little.

"You're due for a shape-up as well Severide. All this must get really hot under that helmet".

They bickered quietly for a few more seconds before Kelly turned to Shay and smiled.

"Are we all in the Mustang today?" and when Shay nodded he smiled again. "Great! I'll be dropping this one off to her salon post-shift. Wanna grab a drink at Molly's and make sure first watch isn't killing her profit margin in the meantime?"

It was sad how dumbstruck Kelly's offer made her. They hadn't hung out one on one in awhile. Both their faults. She wanted to press on the Dawson issue at first and he wanted to avoid it. Then he was just pissed off and she wasn't rated worthy of his notice. Her agreement was immediate and she felt more than saw Dawson relax at Kelly's side. He rubbed her shoulder and she bent her head to kiss his fingers and they were so adorably unpretentiously themselves it was enough to make Shay stop fretting for five minutes. It didn't matter if these two blew up ten minutes, ten months or ten years from now. They were solid. The real fucking deal despite how insanely explosive they could become. She'd just try to stay out of the blast radius...

ʘ

Okay there was no need to panic. Well, there was but Dawson didn't have space in her brain to let it in. A supposedly routine medical call on a diabetic had landed her and Shay in the middle of gang warfare, a shootout right outside the window with their patient bleeding out in her bedroom. Shots were being traded outside while she fumbled to get an oxygen mask on the elderly lady in front of her and soothe the ten year old who called 911 for his grandma. Shay was radioing for help. It was five minutes out, at least. And Dawson wasn't stupid enough to treat a GSW at a live scene. Nope not enough pre-med knowledge for that just yet. But she was tracking her patient's thready pulse. It was clear the bullet had clipped a lung when it had entered under her clavicle, no exit wound. It was lodged inside, doing more damage, blood pooling and she was busy speaking in low Spanish whispers to a terrified if silent child who would not come out from under the bed, phone clutched in his hands like a lifeline. They'd come to treat a patient with low blood sugar who was now low on blood and Dawson wanted time to speed up. For the cops to come and scare the shooters off, for the kid to hurry up and listen to her, for shift to be over so she could get a haircut and get all this damn hair off her face. She'd really left it too long and it was an inane thought to have in the middle of a gun fight but she was bullet free and flat on the ground next to her patient hoping to remain so, dust collecting in her hair. It was stupid but it was all she could think of besides saving her patient. Dawson flinched when she heard another set of shots ring out. She looked across at Shay. The blonde grimaced.

"So much for a quiet shift!"

Hours later, incident report given, one long shower and a short nap in, Boden sidled up to Dawson with a thoughtful look on his face. Asked if she was okay. She was. The patient was expected to live to see another glucose testing strip. Asked if she had a minute to speak with him about something he was working on and would she listen to him the whole way through before she gave her opinion. She did, but the fact that he had thrown that caveat in signaled it was going to a contentious conversation for Dawson. She loved Chief but she'd often fought him on rulings she thought unfair. They both knew that.

She followed him into his office with a feeling of trepidation. This could only be about Kelly or Casey or both of them. They'd been no formal reprimand for their fight at Molly's. No police report kind of made dodging that bit of career suicide easy but Boden cared enough about his men to want to help them, not just sweep issues under a rug. It was difficult and awkward and she cared about both men. Boden knew that much. She sat down and gave Boden a cautious smile, waiting for him to start.

"I want to host a fight" Boden began without preamble.

"Oh. Kay?" Dawson responded tentatively. "What kind of fight?"

"Boxing match maybe Squad versus Truck. Think of it as preliminary tryouts for Battle of the Badges. Your brother Antonio was a boxer, right?"

" _Is_ a boxer and also the enemy if you're talking about the Battle of the Badges".

She knew where Boden's mind was headed as soon as he said Squad versus Truck. It wasn't exactly subtle. And she wasn't exactly stupid but watching her guys maul each other in her bar was bad enough. Sanctioned violence, even if it was boxing which she happened to love, wasn't going to be any easier to stomach. She pretended not to pick up what Boden was putting down for a few more minutes. Focused on her concern about Boden using Antonio for help.

"You know he'd sabotage any tryouts we had right? He'd check-in on the competition. Make sure whoever our team got matched up with outstripped us by ten pounds of muscle plus."

She really was an excellent cutman. Dawson had no problem with blood. What she did have a problem with right now was the idea of her very angry and hurt men wailing on each other with tacit permission from their supervisor. Casey had damn near choked Kelly out. And that was after bashing his head into a pint glass. Kelly nearly broke Casey's nose. Vicious, vicious creatures! They both were!

"Gabi. I think you know what I'm discussing."

Chief cut through her bullshit with ease. Her nostrils flared, she was ready to stage a long and loud protest beginning with Kelly's tibia and ending in the words concussion syndrome. The man still had headaches for crying out loud. The look on her face must have signaled her concerns because Boden hastily added.

"Of course they'll wear protective gear."

"Chief… you really think _fighting it out_ is going to get them back to being good?"

"I don't know. That's what you're here for. I'm asking your opinion."

Dawson thought about it for a long minute. She didn't want to see them fight each other again. Didn't want to pick sides but duh of course it was going to be Kelly she chose. Kelly who she would wrap in cotton wool within an inch of his life if he started showing signs of even a mild concussion. And she knew how well that would go over. She sighed internally. It was what Boden wanted. His alternative to a transfer. Watch his men beat the shit out of each other to get rid of their spleen. Talking had done jackshit. Casey taunted Kelly until he hit a nerve, then Kelly lashed out and there they all were watching a bar fight on a Thursday morning. She glanced up at Boden whose solemn face watched her intently.

"You can't be obvious Chief. It can't be Squad versus Truck. It has to be regular tryouts or they'll know what's up. You're already having tryouts happen way too early when Battle of the Badges isn't until next March so how are you going to swing this?"

"That's where Antonio comes in..."

Dawson listened to Chief with a mild air of resignation. Whether she liked it or not, Casey and Kelly were going to end up in a boxing ring together to spar. She might as well control as many variables as possible. Like timing, she was going to give Kelly as much lead time to train as possible. Tell him she wanted to start back sparring and it was either him or some jock at the local boxing gym. She knew that would get his blood up right quick. He'd either say yes or suggest some crap kickboxing gym setup like footwork wasn't the most important thing about boxing. You never want to get tangled in your own feet. You had to be quick. She was quick.

"You sure you want to involve Antonio, Chief? Make this look that legit? Because if you do, it's going to involve the brass on both sides and some kind of fundraiser event at the end of it all so no one suspects. Something like a Thanksgiving brawl. Or Halloween. A Fall teaser to the big event in Spring..."

Boden's face looked tired just hearing what she proposed which almost made Dawson smile. Almost. She was just being helpful. Pragmatic even. And he'd sincerely asked for her opinion. It was what it was if he didn't want Casey and Kelly to know he was meddling, which she knew he didn't.

"Just call Antonio Chief. I'm sure you two will work something out. I'll let him know to expect you."

That thought made Dawson want to grimace a little. She'd never exactly told Antonio what the bar fight was about or with whom. When she called him she was going to have to explain a lot of things she didn't want to...

ʘ

Meanwhile, Kelly was waiting for Bri to come out of Boden's office so he could check-in with her about the gunfight call. He'd been on a separate job to a suspected fire without ambulance backup. It was rare but it happened sometimes when they were spread thin, like the summer months. Some kid with a firecracker had set fire to a bush and run-off. He just hoped the kid wasn't a firebug. That was the last thing any of them needed. So he was talking to Connie, asking after her family, not looking in at Boden with Bri or worrying that she was in trouble. Nope. He just wanted to go over her with a fine-toothed comb for shell fragments and stray blood splatter because, well, he wasn't there. He needed to know what happened.

"She's fine you know."

"What?"

Connie gave Kelly the kindest smile he'd seen on her face since the hospital. The woman had brought him cake. Chocolate cake. Kelly sat down in the chair next to her desk instead of hovering. Connie patted his hand before she started to type again.

"Dawson. She's okay. Patient caught a stray bullet. 9mm. It wasn't a through and through so that made things difficult on her end but the cops showed up and she got the patient to Lakeshore in time."

That was more information than he'd had ten minutes ago. Shay was asleep so he couldn't ask her and the only reason he knew anything at all was Charles, one of the dispatchers sent him a text because they were kind of cool like that and he'd had his heart in his throat in the squad truck all the way back to the station house. Apparently his protective impulses toward Dawson now garnered him inside intel from dispatch and he was both grateful and exhausted with concern for her.

"Thank you Connie," Kelly gave the secretary a relieved smile as he slumped in the chair a little. "I needed to know that."

"I figured. You don't hover outside Chief's door when you are in trouble. Never mind when you're not."

Kelly gave Connie his Severide grin. The one that said _who me?_ and was all charm and wide-eyed mischievous innocence. Connie chuckled and gave Kelly a long appraising look.

"She's good for you. That much I can tell. Ignore the idiots."

And with that bit of unsolicited advice, Connie turned back to her computer and let Kelly sit quietly waiting for Bri to be done in Boden's office. He thought about what Connie said. He had been ignoring everyone. Mostly. Bri wasn't wrong about Casey getting into his head sometimes. It was hard. He got compared to the other lieutenant a lot. Mostly it didn't bug him. He was great at his job, content to lead Squad 3 and take care of his men the best way he knew how. He didn't know how to be anyone else so he wouldn't even try. But Casey knew his history. There wasn't much you could hide at the fire academy. All the comments about his fire captain dad, the jabs that he must have gotten in easy. How he squared off with anyone who suggested he didn't have the balls to actually be a firefighter. Then he'd gone off and made Squad, youngest ever because _fuck it_. He could so he did and there was no way you could get that job by pulling strings. It shut most of the naysayers up.

Then he'd met Renee. And well, Casey was around for all of that. Mostly he'd been relying on Andy back then though. Andy who he'd never told the full story but who knew something was up anyway and took him out for several pints several off shift nights in a row and made him laugh until he fell off a stool crying and never ever thought less of him. Andy…

Bri came out of Boden's office just then and saw Kelly waiting. To both their credits, Kelly did not fall all over her immediately checking for scratches; Dawson did not collapse into his arms for a hug. Dawson smiled softly and Kelly stood up, thanking Connie briefly for letting him bug her. The secretary brushed him off with a slight smile that made Dawson kick up an eyebrow. Kelly could tell she was curious what that was about but not enough to linger. And he led her away from the Chief's office without another word.

He didn't take her to officer's quarters or to her cot beside Shay or to the break room. He sat her down on the trunk of his Mustang in the warm Chicago night and performed what had become his ritual every time he heard about a dangerous altercation on one of her calls. Dawson didn't protest at all and Kelly was glad. She just closed her eyes while his fingers ranged through her hair to her skull, looking for cuts, bruises, any debris she may have forgotten. Then his hands were over her face and neck, twisting left and right for any muscle strains or marks. Down over her shoulders and arms. Dawson endured it all patiently, quietly. He'd done this after the building collapse despite seeing for himself the fact that she was walking on her own power, had driven herself home and all.

Kelly didn't care. It didn't matter that she looked okay on the outside. This was how he checked in. Without words. He was never going to start by asking if she was alright. The answer would always be yes. Especially when the patient grabbed a bullet and she didn't. The question was pointless. She was alive. And Kelly had learned that asking that question, especially on shift at the firehouse wouldn't get him anything besides the rote response. Kelly's hands brushed over her knees as he knelt on the ground before her. He checked her ankles before standing back up and kissing her forehead and asking _what happened_ while Dawson finally fell into his arms.

"She was less than a foot in front of me. I was just reaching to check her glucose. Shay was bent over pulling something from the bag. If either of us had been standing up..."

Kelly didn't say anything. He didn't shush her or say it was okay. He simply held her for a long minute and kissed her hair and reassured them both that she was alive and not okay which was okay. She was allowed to feel a little fried after watching a patient grab a bullet. He was allowed to want to hold and soothe her. She'd told him not more than two days prior that he was her favourite place to be so he let her fall into it. Into him as she breathed deeply into his dark blue uniform shirt. Some days he wanted to wrap her in his arms and never let go, like today. A bullet wasn't a fire. Wasn't something you could be strategic and wait for like a building collapse when you need the electricity to be shut off before you attempt entering. He'd only been anxious for an hour but her call had happened at least three hours ago. Charles snuck him a text when he could and he was grateful for even that heads up. She was further along in processing it than he was and Kelly kissed her hair again. Drew her forward on the trunk so he stood between her knees, surrounded by her warmth, comforted as much as he was comforting. He needed to take care of her and this was one of those little ways he did, by giving her a moment to feel what had happened. By giving her the respite to feel shaken even if he was rattled by hearing it in her voice.

"I've got you Bri," he murmured and listened for a mumbled affirmative. She wasn't crying. She was tired. Numb. Hungry. She wanted mac and cheese. Wanted pizza and he smiled at all the comfort foods she listed one after another as she snuggled into his chest, breath puffing out on his shirt. Kelly figured if he didn't love her yet, he was close and a bullet could have taken her. Just another day in a Chicago summer. He didn't really want to know the body count. It was August and it wouldn't be good.

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 _Thank you for reading!_


	32. Chapter 32

**AN: Not going to torture you with a long note. Bri's got thoughts so does Sev. Enjoy!  
**

 **I do not own any of the character, they are the property of Dick Wolf et al.**

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Bri loved her haircut. Long sideswept bangs she could tuck behind her ears. A sexy nape undercut no one saw unless she wore her hair up. Karen had cut face framing layers through the length of it which now hung only an inch or so past her shoulders. She felt pretty. Really pretty. It was a good change from the blunt cut she had been growing out and Bri found herself tossing her hair from side to side as she danced around her townhouse. Jabbing and punching as she went.

Chief had a plan and so did she. Well, the beginnings of a plan. Nothing fully-formed but she'd protect Kelly as much as possible. The man didn't appreciate coddling. Said there was a difference between her attempting to take a swing at Heather on his behalf and the kind of fussing she did over his injuries. Welp, too bad! She was going to start boxing and he was going to help which was going to help him and win-win because she actually really missed sparring.

This was not to say she didn't care about Casey. She still reached out to him. Kelly didn't tell her what to do. But Casey was polite and distant, he wasn't doing the complete freeze out like with Voight but he didn't invite her to share either. It wasn't like she'd only talk about Kelly for fuck's sake. She wasn't insensitive. They hadn't discussed his mom and how post-prison life was going. She'd met Nancy. It wasn't an easy relationship for Casey and she was willing to be there for him despite his callous manners about her relationship. She'd loved him too long to ever do a complete shutout, not unless she was forced to. Shay had some choice words about the situation but it didn't matter. Dawson's ability to be a glutton for punishment with Matthew Casey had not magically disappeared because she loved Kelly Severide.

It made her sigh as she looked in the mirror. She was prepping for a late shift at the bar. Dawson hadn't sent pics of her new hairdo to anyone but she knew that Kelly and Shay would be at Molly's drinking and bonding. Spending very necessary time together after months of arguing and silence about her. Kelly it turned out, did not forgive easily. He had never told her all of what Shay said but given the backburner comments Shay had said to her, she had a pretty good idea. However, they were all friends. They all needed each other, day in day out because their jobs were tough. Shay was Kelly's family because fuck his dad and the new wife in Kenosha and the two half siblings he'd never even been introduced to. Benny only came into town to wreak havoc and remember the old days. He was not interested in living his present, and his criticism of Kelly was coloured by that desire to be who he once was. She wasn't sure if Kelly had the most objective viewpoint on the situation and she didn't expect him to. His father was the only blood connection he had and he would keep him as close as was bearable but no more. She felt bad for his half brothers though. They were going to be all kinds of messed up.

Kelly admitted to a bit of a rebellious phase as a teenager which had just made Dawson blink and sip her tea because _duh Sev, I figured_. And Kelly had grinned as she'd told him about her stints in detention. The schoolyard slaps, the boxing ring knockouts so there would be no schoolyard slaps. How the slaps became outright grappling and hair-pulling as she tumbled through the grass because she'd promised Antonio not to use her hands on anyone's face. So she'd resorted to wrestling holds and sitting on top of someone's lungs and squeezing with her thighs. Kelly had looked a little stunned at that, then a little too pleased. He seemed to like that she was as tough as she was sweet. She wasn't exaggerating her past any. If anything she was downplaying it a tad so he wouldn't know how intense she was in her anger.

It didn't bear harping on. They'd had arguments enough between them for awhile now, and Dawson stalked out the door in her cutest but comfiest pair of dark wash jeans and a black v neck tee ready to wow her guy. She'd swiped on a deep berry lippie. He was going to hate the cut. She just knew it. He was going to miss pulling her hair and hiding in it like a curtain but oh well. It was sticky summer August and hair was hot and heavy. She and her neck needed the break.

ʘ

Kelly was feeling good. He and Shay had knocked back a couple and she'd admitted that she and Angie were fighting about her control issues and, good friend that he still was, Kelly listened while she rambled about Angie saying _their life_ , like they had one together. And truth be told, Kelly had assumed his blonde pixie and the statuesque brunette were on the same page about that. You don't bring someone random to the annual picnic. You're going to get teased. He said as much and watched Shay pause, go quiet as she mused.

"Well, we weren't going together and I didn't want to third wheel Campbell and his boyfriend so..."

"So you brought Angie as backup? Jesus Shay. She's met everyone. You brought her to Molly's. And you're not sure of her?"

That didn't sound like the Leslie Shay he knew. It didn't sound like the Leslie Shay who had flaunted Angie and brought her around their apartment while he was pissed off at her for telling him not to see Bri. How Bri had nearly fucking cried when she'd broken it off. Again. Jesus. It was enough to make him pissed off at her all over again. Angie was nice. Really nice. Took care of Shay in the sweetest way when she was on a bender and liable to get reckless. Was probably a real wild card and wildcat with his friend. He struggled not to picture it.

"We don't agree on certain things" Shay hedged while Kelly sipped his beer.

"If you mean me and Dawson, let that shit go Shay. I'm with D. Casey needs to get his head out of his ass. We are not seeing each other to spite him. I am not sleeping with her because he hooked up with Heather."

He was quick to anger on this. Had a hair trigger because fucking A, his past history didn't make things easy on D. Everyone thought she was slumming. Well, not everyone but enough. They wondered if he'd given her an STD. They wondered if the sex was worth it. He wouldn't create drama by sleeping with D because he was pissed off at Casey for sleeping with his dead friend's wife. That was all a little too theatrical for his tastes. Too convoluted. His thing with D was much simpler and more mind boggling at the same time. How they just fit. How she got away with calling him an idiot and an asshole because sometimes he was, but she didn't believe that was all there was to him. She kept needling him about hiding behind his smile and his charm when he was fucking smart. And then gave him a smack when he tried to disagree. Kelly smiled a little just thinking about her temper. You didn't put up with a woman's temper to get back at a friend like Casey. There was literally no point to that kind of bullshit.

"I know Kel. I know… I'm sorry I made it so hard." Shay said the words softly. An apology Kelly had never expected to hear but maybe needed because his anger flared, his ire at her betrayal.

"Why did you? I already knew Casey was going to be a dick about it. Why'd you have to jump on his fucking bandwagon?"

"Because the firehouse is our family. Ours. Your dad is shit. My parents are three hours north and love me but are still awkward about the gay thing. I didn't want to lose the family we have."

"But we didn't. Casey is one person. One. I don't expect Truck to be on my side but they'd never hurt D. Hermann and Otis were crowding her the night Casey and I got into it. Mills, her fucking ex stood at my back. Not Casey's. I'm not forcing anything on anyone Shay. I never have"

"Casey is a lieutenant. Just like you. It matters that you guys can't get along. It makes a difference on a job. You can't tell me that it doesn't."

He couldn't. Casey made no bones about double-checking every single call he made on a job. It was petty as hell and a wonder that Boden hadn't called Casey to the carpet about it yet. Except he knew why. Casey was the steady golden child of 51. Boden would always give the blonde lieutenant the benefit of the doubt. This realization would have hurt more if Severide wasn't used to people thinking and expecting less of him in general. He took another long pull of his beer.

"So maybe I make it easier on everyone. Maybe I just transfer." Kelly listened to Shay choke back on a snort.

"We both know you don't want to do that so why even say it out loud."

"Because I'll tell you what I told D. Casey and I may never be okay. He doesn't have seniority but he sure as shit has clout so why even bother fighting it?"

"Dawson. I know you. You would never leave Dawson alone at 51 with Casey."

"She's coming with me Shay."

He hadn't meant to say anything just yet. Especially because it wasn't a final decision and Dawson was still protesting but saying it made the idea of leaving more real. The fact that Dawson would jump ship with him. That she was willing and had offered to do so without a moment's hesitation. That for all her useless prevaricating on other dumb shit, she was very clear on wanting to be with him. He was her favourite place to be. She hadn't hedged at all after the first time she'd suggested it. If he left, she would follow. That was a commitment and he wasn't freaking out about it. Saying it out loud reinforced the idea in his head and how good it felt to have her by his side. _Bri and me_. Kelly smiled to himself.

"Well then what about me? Huh Kel? What about me?"

Kelly turned to look at Shay, conscious at last, of the slip he had made in saying Dawson would come with him. He and Shay had always been a team of their own. Family. She wasn't lying about that. He didn't think the shift that had occurred over the last few months would have been as dramatic if she hadn't fought him all the way. He had room for both Shay and Dawson in his life. More than enough space given his woeful lack of real family. It just felt like Shay was fighting for something that, in some small part, couldn't exist the way it used to when they were accidentally on purpose maybe sharing bedroom partners and going on benders and being each other's lifelines come hell or high water. He had D now, but D was hers too. Had always been in her corner. He knew that because D would always confer with him when shit was going down about Shay. They'd check in to make sure what each person saw was actually happening, brief each other on what their approach to the crisis would be and basically steered Shay away from the more egregious decisions, like the full back dragon tattoo she'd wanted at one point...

"You are always going to have me Leslie Shay. I'm not leaving Chicago"

He went to kiss her cheek but Shay reared back violently, her face aghast.

"Are you kidding me?! This is like the shit with Spain all over again!"

"What? No it's no-"

"You. Leaving. _Because of a girl_ "

Shay sneered the last part and Kelly's ears went hot. It seemed like it was going to be one step forward and two steps back with Shay on this. He wanted to be less irritated at her reaction but Spain had done a number on Shay. The thought of him being so far away had upset her even if she'd pretended to be okay. And right now it seemed like Shay still didn't believe he was serious about Dawson. Like she thought he was using her as an excuse to run away and he wasn't. He saw a solution to a problem. It sucked and he didn't want to do it but comparing what happened with Renee Royce with anything D was about as simple as organic chemistry. He wondered why people continued to believe he was using his girl as a means to some nefarious end. Kelly was pretty sure D would be first in line to maim him if that were the case.

"That _girl_ is your friend."

"Not the fucking point Kelly!"

"There is no point! It may not even happen! You're yelling at me for nothing!"

Hermann slid down their way at the point to tell them to quiet down and re-fill their beer orders. Kelly's face was incredulous and Shay's was pink and huffing angry. They were supposed to be making up dammit. Not picking apart his potential reasons for doing a transfer he absolutely did not want. 51 was his father's firehouse and he wanted to make good, maybe make captain, learn as much as he could from Boden's calm and quiet leadership. Leaving would mean starting from scratch on that plan in a new house with people he did not trust and an uncertain path up the ladder so to speak. It was definitely not his idea of a fun or smart time.

Just then, D walked in and Kelly blinked fast as the bright late afternoon light filtered in behind her for a brief second before she closed the door. _Holy fuck_. His girl had bangs, and her hair looked lighter somehow and it was much much shorter which kinda made him sad but then again…

"Kelly Severide! What did you do to your hair?!" D wailed from across the bar as he turned all the way around to see her. She stalked over, hair flying around her face in pretty long flicks as Kelly grinned and rasped one hand over his newly shorn head.

"I figured one hair surprise deserved another" he joked. "And hey I left it long on top just for you".

He really had. D wasn't wrong about his hair being hot under the fire helmet. And if she was finally conceding to her more practical side then why shouldn't he? His cut had taken 15 minutes no appointment necessary while she'd definitely been at her salon a good hour plus to look so fucking pretty. He'd shaved the sides and back but left the top as it was with a little trim so he could slick it down the back or side with water and go.

"I hate it"

"I hate yours too D"

They grinned like idiots. Her fingers scraped his nape looking for the curl she'd tug but it was gone. He traced a bang away from her forehead so he could kiss it and felt his fingers fall through air with a slight frown.

"Oh my god. You two are sickening! Dawson get back here!" Hermann yelled.

Dawson bussed him on the lips before grabbing the apron Hermann tossed at her head and scampering around the side of the bartop with a hello wave to Shay who gave Dawson all the feminine oos and ahs he wasn't equipped for. Shay was quietly ignoring him for the moment which was fine. Dawson deserved her full attention. She clearly loved the haircut but was still a little nervous about how it would be received. _Do the bangs make me look juvenile?_ Which made Kelly's nose crinkle in disgust. What the fuck did that even mean? She looked hot. The lipstick helped. He knew he was wearing it. D had a thing for marking her territory in not at all subtle ways and he fucking loved it. He'd wipe it off just to have her do it again later.

"I haven't even shown you guys the wildest part!" Dawson declared a little fervently.

And with that, Dawson spun around and flipped her hair forward, catching it all in one hand to reveal a kickass undercut with thin lines crosshatching her nape in a pattern. Kelly's jaw dropped open while Shay squeaked.

"I take it back. I love your haircut. What the hell D?"

His girl flipped her hair over one shoulder and gave him a smile. The one that knew her hair flips were his fucking weakness as she shrugged. His mouth went dry.

"I told Karen my hair was heavy and my neck always got too hot but I didn't want to cut it all so she suggested an undercut. Problem solved! Kinda. When I wear it up that is"

Which she knew he fucking loved. Her hair in that high bobbing curly bun. It was too short for a bun now, but it could definitely be a ponytail and he could tug on it while he…

"Kelly put the dirty thoughts away. Your face is saying all kinds of unspeakable things right now and my shift is a long one tonight"

And it was. He and Shay played nice for Dawson who was by turns frenetic and lethargic as the night wore on. She asked Shay how she was doing with the whole gun incident and she repeated the same line that Dawson had told Kelly many hours earlier when people were around at the station. That it wasn't the first GSW she'd seen and would hardly be the last and so, she was fine. It made him frown. He'd hovered around Dawson as much as possible during a shift after their brief discussion by his car. And though they were strained he would have done the same for Shay if she needed it. He noticed that Shay didn't bring up Angie in front of Dawson and decided not to blow her cover. He was pissed off at Shay but he would never tell her secrets. However D, being the intuitive person that she was, noticed the tension between them and frowned. Dropped three shotglasses on the bartop and poured out whiskey over Hermann's protests.

"Can the three of us just not be fighting for _one minute?_ "

Dawson glared at Shay first. And Kelly admired her profile, the new haircut suited her well. D's eyes looked larger in her sweetheart face and her lips were pouting. It made it hard for him to pay attention but the answer was yes, _of course_ they could all just not be fighting. He wasn't going to say Shay started it though she did. And over nothing. He grabbed the shotglass and looked at D. She was tired and he immediately felt contrite as she picked up hers and Shay tried to hide her sneer at the brown liquor but clinked glasses with them and tossed the shot back with a grimace. She really was a tequila girl.

"Okay. Someone start talking because I am done with this bullshit. I refuse to have the same argument over and over again with the same tired excuses for why people are mad, or hurt or just plain stupid about a relationship that is none of their damn business!"

Kelly shouldn't have smiled but he had to. Bri was officially irate. Fierce and protective and so fucking done with the crap that weighed her down. She had both hands on the bar and she was staring Shay down like she was two seconds from decking her. He knew she wouldn't. Bri wouldn't hit him or Shay or Casey. Everyone else was probably fair game and he reached out to touch her hand, so she would look at him. So his girl would turn her head his way and give him that look he loved so full of righteous indignation and her fierce loyalty. He was done for. So fucking done and she didn't even know it. He decided to give it to her plain.

"Shay's pissed because I suggested we might leave 51 and accused me of running away again like Renee".

He watched while his girlfriend clenched her jaw. Glared right through him because _this was not what they'd decided_. And no it wasn't. Her eyes plainly said she was quite pissed and he muttered the word _might_ to remind her they were still talking through it but Dawson turned her head to stare at Shay abruptly and Kelly would take any reprieve he could get from her anger.

"We're _not_ leaving but even if we did it sure as shit won't be running away" D snarked darkly. She cocked her head at Shay. "What's the issue? It can't be the firehouse falling apart because us leaving would solve everything. Wouldn't it? Casey gets away with being a hurtful asshole and no one's concerned. Yay 51!"

Kelly blinked at D's sarcasm and gripped her hand on the bar. Underneath her anger was a deep reservoir of pain and exhaustion. People she cared about were spinning their wheels and criticizing her for being with him. People she respected and trusted were suddenly awkward and left-footed. People meaning Shay and Casey and they hadn't discussed the blonde lieutenant yet. He was possessive of D but not controlling. It was a fine edge between the two but he walked it with her. She made no bones about stamping her seal all over him. He was equally not silent about his annoyance with Casey but she'd said nothing of her own issues with him. This was the first time she'd even spoken badly about his counterpart in front of him. D was truly fed up.

"I just think Kelly leaving doesn't solve the issue." Shay said directly. "It's cowardly and not the Kelly Severide I know him to be."

She was spinning the shotglass on the bar and her words pained him. He didn't think of his suggestion as cowardly. He was trying to be the bigger person, giving up something he loved, a feeling of comfort and surety he had in Firehouse 51, so that his colleagues didn't have to deal with their officers' drama. Kelly watched D's nostrils flare at the word cowardly and squeezed her hand. She was too far into her feelings to squeeze back. She was annoyed and hurt and it was Shay saying all these things. Shay who they both loved and were loyal to and really, the only reason they were close at all at first.

"The issue is our relationship" D said bluntly. Kelly felt his heart seize when D said that. It felt good to know she thought of them the same way given his inability to articulate anything beyond being unequivocally hers.

"And that's not going anywhere so what do you propose we do Shay? Casey doesn't want to talk to me."

"He's hurt and-"

"And he keeps hurting me! What the fuck Shay _you heard him!_ " D cut in her voice trembling.

Kelly's ears pricked at that. If Casey had said anything untoward to Bri. If he was the reason she glanced away to hide angry, frustrated tears, _again_ , because fuck if their friends hadn't put them through the wringer... Kelly wasn't certain he would be able to control himself next time he saw the guy. Friendship be damned. He kept on looking at Bri.

She looked away. Pretended to make sure Hermann didn't need her but Kelly saw the tears in her eyes as she composed herself. Murmured _baby_ so she would notch her head his way and smile just a little. It took a long minute but she did. She bent over his hand to kiss it and ignored Shay for a second. D looked up into his eyes and he held her gaze, waiting. Wanting to know what she was searching for in him that he didn't know how to provide just yet. He let D pull him forward and she kissed him briefly, eyes open as she repeated the gesture on his nose and his forehead. She kept right on staring as she leaned back, elbow propped on the bar, face balanced on her palm, the fingers of her other hand tracing his face.

"No one was just happy for us. Not really. Were they?"

Kelly wasn't sure how to respond. Their relationship, such as it was, tripped back and forth between being ecstasy and just plain hell. No one was really happy but fuck if Bri wasn't worth all of it. If she kept asking questions like this he was going to have to work harder to prove it. To show her just how much she meant to him while he clamored for words that were nowhere near sufficient in the saying.

But it turned out he didn't have to respond because Bri was in monologue mode. Still angry. Still hurt but staring at him seemed to help and she swiped her thumb across his lips where her lipstick stained him, a small smile on her face. He let her take the lead because being between his girl and his best friend was awkward and he didn't want to say the wrong thing and Bri didn't seem to care or have a filter at the moment.

"Let me tell you a story, Shay. I still find it hard to believe but I don't _meet_ the guy I'm dating. I already know him. He knows me. Or we think we do anyway. It's been years and he's..." Bri shook her head while Kelly leaned in as she bit down on a smile. "And he takes me out after a really shitty day, no questions asked. No judgment." She cocked her head to the side. "He takes care of me and I don't realize it until I'm halfway through a bottle of Cuervo and fighting with the chef at his favourite food place about his enchiladas. Wait. Have you ever gone back by the way _cariño?_ Did I get you banned?"

Kelly hadn't and he didn't know and he didn't care because she was a much better cook so he shook his head. She was calling him by that sweet Spanish nickname. She looked thoughtful but unapologetic. She still wasn't looking at Shay. Neither was he. He wanted to know whatever it was she was trying to say. He wanted to see her face and believe in it.

"Dawson-" Shay tried to interrupt.

"Anyway this guy, this big strong tough guy carries me out of the restaurant and he doesn't know this. I've never told him this but when I was leaning into his back he smelled so good I wanted to stay right there. So much so it fucking scared me. Or thrilled me I don't know. I was drunk so I lied and told him I needed to throw up. And just like that he tossed me upright and in his arms and so so safe." D laughed and Kelly was mesmerized. She really never had told him this.

"And I'm looking at him. At this guy I've known forever right? And we're both drunk and stupid and holding each other up on the sidewalk and I realize he's taking care of me. And not just that, he's taking care of me like he would _his best friend._ And I feel so grateful, so honoured by that. He doesn't let just anyone in. But this guy holds me up and I just…. I finally see him. Him. Just. Him."

D was smiling wide now and gazing into his eyes like there was nowhere else to be and the fingers of her one hand were still tracing his face and Kelly was clutching his beer bottle so tight in the other he thought it might break. But _fuck_ he wanted to hug her and kiss her and wipe away the tears that were still in her eyes and then fuck all the sadness out of her because no matter how happy this memory proved to be: how they got from there to where he was standing was not at all pretty.

"So I took him home. I did. He didn't take me. It was my decision. And I'm sick of everyone questioning my intelligence. I am so sick of his best friend hurting him because she can't have what she wants. Shit happened. Things change. I don't think my guy is a coward. He can be an idiot and stubborn and so damn reckless I may die of a heart attack but he has never played it safe. Not to me"

Dawson turned away as a customer called for another beer and she stalked over to fill up their pint glass. Kelly and Shay were silent while she did it. Kelly for his part, didn't know how to move the conversation forward. He was upset with Shay and D had defended him. He didn't ask her to do it but she did and it felt good to not be the one arguing. He watched his girl come back over with pretzels after a brief conversation with Hermann to check-in he guessed. D flicked a bang out of her eyes and stared between him and Shay for a minute. She popped a pretzel in her mouth as she mused on Shay's shocked and outraged face and said _well?_ Like it was finally her turn to reply as Shay cleared her throat loudly

"I'm just telling you guys what I think. I don't want you to leave."

"You called Kelly cowardly. That's not truth Shay. That's an opinion. And a really shitty one given what we both know about him. Get on board or shut up. Neither of us need any more naysayers"

Kelly and Shay watched as Dawson stalked away, her ill temper apparent in how she snapped at Hermann and the customer slowly becoming more and more belligerent in his drunken stupor. Kelly took a glance at Shay as she stuffed a pretzel in her mouth and chomped loudly.

"She says that with love, of course" Kelly suggested mildly.

"Did I hurt you with my comments?"

"Were you ever just happy for me and Dawson?" Kelly countered instead of answering.

Because yes, Shay's comments had hurt. Your best friend labeling you a coward sucked ass. Her indignation and disbelief the first three months of his relationship with D weren't so easy to swallow either. Like neither of them were capable of making the decision to be together. Like he hadn't had his hands full convincing Dawson to get over her anxiety and just be with him in the first place.

She'd never held it against him. D had never once said _I told you so_ despite her anxious speeches about what the chief would think and the firehouse in general. She had not been wrong. Neither she nor Shay had been wrong about any of the reactions their relationship had garnered. Shay blinked for a long minute before responding.

"I've been too worried to be happy"

"Fuck it Shay! We're not your problem to solve. Okay?"

Kelly didn't expect a response and he didn't get one. D wanted Shay on board. He wanted everyone to stop fighting. Shay wanted… what he wasn't sure. All three of them were stubborn beyond belief and Shay kept drinking her beer as she fumbled with her phone. Kelly was watching D. He would always prefer to be watching D as he nursed his own beer.

"You don't need me anymore."

"What?"

Kelly turned to Shay. Her lower lip was trembling and her eyes were filling and she knew he hated that as she swiped brusquely at her cheeks. Shook her head and smiled quietly.

"We were each other's family but you have Dawson now and I feel… lost. I guess."

"I'm not going anywhere Shay. How many times do I have to say that?"

"But you _are_ going. Don't you get it yet? Even if you and Dawson don't leave Firehouse 51, you two are team like we used to be a team. I'll admit it. I'm having trouble adjusting."

A quiet pocket of space descended then. Kelly didn't know how to respond except to repeat that Shay was family and would always be family. Dawson didn't negate that bond. She couldn't. She wouldn't want to, Kelly was certain. Why couldn't they all be family like they'd always been? He didn't see how it was a problem when the three people involved loved each other…

About twenty minutes later Shay left after a brief, terse call with Angie. So Kelly knew she was either going over to break it off for good or not come up for air until next shift. He was hoping for the latter. He didn't want to go back to D's place. Even if it was her turn. He wanted to wake up to her in his own bed, all that pretty hair across his pillow. The smell of her perfume lingering for hours. He wanted to thank her for being so kickass without actually thanking her. He knew a couple ways how.

Soon enough it was last call and Hermann shuffled out, after setting all the glasses into the dishwasher in the back and the stools on top the tables around the bar. Dawson was counting the till and Kelly was torn between distracting her with sex or helping her wrap up everything so they could go home.

"Hey Bri?"

"Yeah Sev?" she was putting all the cash into a black bag for the deposit at the bank in the morning as she shuffled the receipts into its small organized folder. She was busy and Kelly nearly swallowed the words he was about to say as he walked behind the bar to drop off the washcloth he'd used to wipe everything down...

"We're not dating."

Kelly still liked to be a little bit of an asshole.

"Say what now?" Dawson's head popped up just as Kelly's arms wrapped around her from behind, binding her to him before she could protest. He kissed her hair and breathed her in with a smile as she struggled angrily in his hold.

"We're not dating" he repeated. "I don't date. I'm either all the way in or out the door."

He was trying to say things without actually saying them. Kelly didn't want to say anything until the firehouse situation was resolved with Casey and Boden was no longer looking at him like he was a second-rate idiot for suggesting the transfer that neither of them wanted. Kelly felt Dawson turn around in his arms to look up at him.

"Are we defining things now Sev?" she asked softly, "cuz I think if I look up the verb date in the dictionary..."

He kissed the words away. He hated them. Found words stifling and confining. Preferred anything else to talking about feelings or having arguments or his best friend's reluctance to respect his decisions. He was for Bri and Bri was for him. End of discussion. And yet.

"I'm yours. Okay?"

The bright smile on his girl's face when she nodded was enough to make him happy. He agreed with Hermann. They were definitely sickening. He didn't care as he pinned his girl to the bar with his hips. And he definitely didn't care when she sank to her knees. Kelly ranged his fingers through Bri's short pretty hair as she giggled and stuck out her tongue. He laughed and really, who else but Bri could make a blowjob so damn funny?

ʘ

Casey stood, arm braced on his shower wall with the hot water steaming over him, muscles burning from a day spent doing construction after a shift at the firehouse. It was worst when he had no downtime between jobs. His exhaustion. But right now he was stroking himself off to the memory of Hallie, of her tall lithe body, all the way in Africa to escape the tormented memories of Voight and his near un-doing. How strange and volatile he'd become to himself! Without her as a tether, so many things had happened to him. He missed her calm practical nature. How badass she was at the hospital the few times he'd witnessed it. He missed having a plan, a roadmap for where his life was going with her. Maybe he'd done them both a disservice. Staying with her, with his life plan for too long, it had cost him Gabi. But what Matthew Casey yearned for deeper than his desire for Gabi was family. Kids. And he was nowhere close to that. To having the normal family and life he'd missed with his own fraught childhood.

It was an odd thing to be thinking about as he grunted quietly, hand slipping off his cock as he allowed his memories of Hallie to fuel fantasies that were much safer than any of the alternatives. Heather popped into mind. And just like that he was remembering her in his lap. How he'd kissed her and touched her and almost caved in completely before he'd pulled away. Said _no_. Watched her touch herself, voice strangled with denied passion as he'd stood and adjusted himself, and dressed quickly before slamming out the back door to his truck. Heather was a ready made family… Casey stood up straight in the shower and gave up with a groan. He was not going to imagine Heather while jerking off. This was not him. This person who had almost slept with a firefighter's widow. This man who had cut himself off from his friends because he didn't get what he wanted.

Gabi kept reaching out. She was stubborn. It didn't surprise him. She wasn't the sort of person to give up on a friend just because he'd hurt her and lashed out and refused to accept her decisions. She'd liked him while he was with Hallie and never been the slightest bit rude despite what she wanted. She'd waited and he let her. That was on him. Punishing her for doing something he didn't like had never ended well for them. Alienating her for being with the worst man possible to have any sort of relationship with was not one of his brighter ideas. He was just so damn frustrated with life. Casey got out of the shower. Wrapped a towel around his waist and padded over to his cellphone before he lost his nerve. Something needed to change.

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 _Comments welcome. Thank you for reading!_


	33. Chapter 33

**Oh hai there. This is my second longest chapter for this story. I hope it tides a few of you over while I try to work out the kinks on the next couple chapters. I'm actively doing research. Fun stuff. Multiple points of view in this chapter so you get to hear from almost every conflict that's going to slowly implode before this story is over.  
**

 **Thank you to Nishea, Raven, PilyMiriam, LuPeyluv and all you reviewers who consistently egg me on. No joke, this story would not have come this far without your continued interest. I cannot believe I started this thing last September. Oy.**

 **Disclaimer: Property of Dick Wolf et al. Their sandbox, I'm just playing in it blah blah.**

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Angie was looking at Shay in bewilderment. The blonde pixie was standing at the stove in her kitchen. It appeared she was trying to cook, muttering the way she usually did when she was thinking something through to herself. She had not noticed Angie yet. She was lucky Angie lived dangerously and didn't have a smoke detector. Her one frying pan looked scorched beyond repair.

"Leslie?"

The paramedic turned to her painter girlfriend with a pained grimace. Angie choked back a strained curse. Shay was splattered with what looked like pancake batter and… blueberries? She picked up a hand towel and walked towards Shay, her lip pinched between her teeth. Shay was acutely embarrassed as Angie swiped pancake and fruit from her face and neck.

"I was trying to make you breakfast" she muttered bleakly, rubbing her cheek in disgust. "because you know..."

"No, I don't know. Care to tell me what burning my frying pan accomplishes?"

In a not so subtle gesture, Angie grabbed the ruined pan and threw it in the garbage bin. She turned to stare at the blonde woman, slightly shorter and more fit, Leslie seemed to fumble over her words. As inelegant as she had been the night at the bar when Angie pursued her with forthright candor.

"I'm sorry Angie. That's what it was supposed to say."

"You come over. We fuck and you leave. Fairly certain we've got a rhythm established per last night".

Angie said all of this without rancor. Neither a commitment phobe nor a serial monogamist, she took women as they came into her life and walked out. The situations all followed their prescribed patterns and Angie's art reflected her feelings on each situation. She didn't want to think about the painting, done in all blacks and greys that she had started a few days ago when it became clear that what she had with Shay was tanking. Ultimately it was all fodder for her work. She was an emotion driven person, working on her private art collection while creating commissioned pieces for those who could afford it. Her life did not have a routine, not like Shay's and she had tried so hard to get the paramedic to embrace life's small inconsistencies to no avail. To get her to accept change like her friends falling in love but really, who was she in Leslie Shay's life but another interloper?

"Angie..."

The wild-haired brunette gave her girlfriend a speaking glance.

"Don't insult my intelligence Leslie. You didn't cook breakfast for us to be fine. You did it to prove a point and while I am dutifully amused at your gesture. Failing to make pancakes isn't endearing when you've maligned my opinions and entire way of existing."

"But do you forgive me?" Shay persisted, blue eyes wide in her small face.

Angie didn't know if she did. She'd allowed Shay back in the night before because sex and loneliness and her impeccable ability to make messes and then paint and sketch and create her way out of them. To fuck someone until she didn't want to fuck them anymore. Her mistake with Shay was suggesting they could do it together. Have a symbiotic situation that pleased them both but Shay had decried it loudly and with no small expense to her tender heart. It didn't seem like Shay was actually remorseful and she really cared about Leslie Shay. Had met her friends and genuinely enjoyed their company. She was in her own small way, invested in Dawson and Severide's happiness. They radiated intense feeling. So much so she was in awe of the fact they got anything accomplished. And she really did want to paint them but more than that, she wanted Leslie to see what Angie saw when those two were in a room together. How could she keep on fighting something that made her friends so insanely happy?

"Look, I don't know. We should take a step back. It's obvious we have different ideas of what's going on here. I'm okay with giving you a break you clearly need."

And she was. It stung but Angie was an adult. They were all adults and had their own coping and defense mechanisms. She didn't mind retreating quietly from the chaos Shay insisted was rife because Dawson and Kelly were dating. Angie would have argued they were in love but Shay could only handle so much truth. And she didn't have any background in firehouse dynamics to counter Shay's assertions.

"Let's… just get coffee and hash this out. Sounds good?"

She waited for Leslie to nod as her eyes were drifting down the batter splattered shirt and jeans, the blonde was wearing.

"You can pick something from my closet."

ʘ

Kelly spat blood onto the floor, sweat dripping from his temple as Bri babbled apologies and rushed off to get him a towel and some water. He moved his jaw and tried to conceal a wince. _Jesus. My girl can swing._ He watched her return, blinking his eyes slowly as he cleared the sweat away from his eyebrow.

"Sev. You need to -"

"Bri. Sweetheart I told you I would train with you. I am absolutely not hitting you"

"But-"

"No!"

He grabbed the towel wrapped icepack from her hands as she leaned in closer a small frown furrowing her forehead. Kelly gently lay the icepack against his jaw. They were still in the boxing ring, others were peering at their minor spat with unabashed curiosity.

"I'm not trying to make your headaches worse. At least block me for fuck's sake!"

Kelly glanced at his girlfriend. She was exasperated and very cute in her concern. He wasn't sure how she'd convinced him to do this. To get into the ring with her instead of watching from the sidelines. Oh wait. He remembered now. _Maybe we can fight like we fuck_. She'd taunted him. While riding him reverse cowgirl so he couldn't see her smirk. Said if he didn't do it, it would just be some other asshole at the boxing gym. So rather than let his girl get wailed on by some jackass who would definitely hit her _and_ hit on her and, best he could tell, get himself locked up for assault. Kelly decided to be her punching bag. Turned out Bri could punch and he was too damn pleased to be pissed about it. She'd walked into the boxing gym like she owned the place. Apparently Antonio used to train full-time here.

She looked hot. There was no denying that. Black sports bra, toned abs. Her long stretchy leggings. She had her hair tied up to flaunt the undercut and her gloves were bright red like fresh blood. One ripped off on the floor, wrappings and all, in her hurry to get him the icepack. D was the best kind of boxing match bait except she _was_ the match. And he really did want to see her in an actual fight some day.

"Can you blame me for watching you move?" he teased as she guided him out of the ring and to a foldout chair. Kelly let her fuss. She wasn't being overbearing. D checked his eyes and his jaw, the consummate paramedic as she knelt on the floor before him. Kelly drew her into the vee of his spread thighs, cupping her shoulders lightly with his hands while she worked.

"You're too slow. You lead with your left foot and your damn eyes give you away _every single time, Kelly_ ".

He let her criticisms roll off his back as he smiled. She really did know the sport well. Kelly figured he should spend some time with Antonio to figure out how much of her passion for boxing was related to his skill. He was due a chat with her older brother anyway…

He and Bri had never discussed her crying. It still bugged him. So much had happened since then and really, this had nothing to do with his ego because she hadn't cried during sex since... except that one time her eyes got glassy while they talked but… he sensed Bri was guarded somehow. He couldn't explain it. She showed up and she defended him and he'd said he was hers because it was true. The present situation being an excellent case study for how far out of his norm he would go for Bri. God help him if any of the Squad crew found out about this. He'd sic Bri on them.

She wasn't his usual. And even if he didn't think he had a type, Kelly recognized that both Renees were girly and feminine. Heels and skirts and makeup. Regularly. All those things women do that make no fucking sense until it's all put together in a red dress and called Saturday night. Both Renees were petite in such a way that made him look like he was their big strong man. Their tough guy. He was definitely the complete opposite of Renee Royce's 9 to 5 office job with power suits and briefcases. All her overseas travel and posh lifestyle.

It was all a game of contrasts. Meanwhile, Bri could have just knocked his ass out. She was easily 5'8 and a buck fifty. She could take care of herself. He was pretty sure she had pulled her punch. She wore the exact same clothes as him every shift together. Not that she couldn't dress up but usually she had no time for makeup besides chapstick far as he could tell and she'd been there all along. A friend. A kickass friend who had gotten him sober without judging and become so important to his life he'd pretty much do anything to keep her. Like sit still and quiet while gym rats paced around them, his girl showing her tender side while he showed his weak one for all to see. It didn't matter anymore. He didn't care. Much. Okay he cared but he also hadn't even thought to be mad that a girl decked him hard enough to spill blood. Some guys would be. He wasn't. It was his girl. It was Bri. It made sense, just like she did and how she understood him. She wasn't teasing him about being a better boxer or trying to goad him. She was on her knees in front of him, concrete bruising her shins to take care of him. Giving him pointers in her blunt, matter of fact way. This was the kind of shit that humbled him. He didn't deserve her. And he felt like he was falling short on understanding her when the reason she'd cried still escaped him. Bri hated crying.

"Don't think I don't know you're hiding something"

He watched Bri pull away from him for a second. She paused in her scrutiny of his many injuries to give him a look. Again. And not a look he'd deciphered just yet. It was by turns cautious and sad and exhausted and if other shit wasn't so critical at the moment he'd tear his hair out asking her why for fuck's sake was she feeling sad.

"Sev..."

"You're the one who said I wasn't stupid."

Bri had no response for that, and Kelly pulled her closer as she bit her lip, pretending to concentrate on his jaw when really, she was pulling in on herself. Trying not to show whatever it was she refused to let him see. He let her do it. Entranced by the drop of sweat tracing its way down through her hairline and onto her throat. More focused on the way her muscles moved sinuously under her skin, than on the concern painted square across Bri's face. He got like that sometimes when she was close. All he wanted was to devour her and he didn't care who saw but still-

"Are you ever gonna tell me?" he asked quietly.

His fingers were pressing in on her left trapezius muscle, sensing a knot and kneading it until Bri flinched. She exhaled softly as they took care of each other in their own soundless ways.

"Yes."

It was whisper soft as she traced his jaw with her thumb until it crossed his lips and he sucked it into his mouth with a gentle bite.

"I'm just not ready yet" Bri admitted, her eyes closing as Kelly explored her thumb with his tongue, gaze turning thoughtful at her admission. He could understand not being ready given that there were also things he should say. Things you should tell the woman willing to pick up sticks and uproot her entire fucking life for you. He breathed quietly across her thumb, sucking it until he heard her breath catch in her throat. Turning her on like a light the way she did him. He resisted the urge to palm himself just then.

"Afraid of screwing up?" Kelly asked as he released her thumb with a kiss. Bri opened her eyes.

"Always,"

"Me too baby"

Kelly watched as Bri relaxed into his fingers as they worked the knot out of her shoulder. He was theoretically the more injured party in their bout but he liked seeing Bri go boneless, like after a long night of sex. He enjoyed the hazy look of pleasure and satisfaction she got when he took care of what she needed without saying, the small smile of appreciation. He wanted her to forget about being a screw up. How they had both screwed up just by wanting to be together. They remained resolute in that regard despite all the drama. And Shay thank god was fine. Or as fine with it as she would get for someone who resisted change so vehemently. Bri's ultimatum probably had a lot to do with it but she was still at Angie's so... Maybe she was avoiding him and Bri. He honestly couldn't be sure.

Nothing had changed just yet with Boden. Working shifts was tense and Boden watched him and Casey like hawks but for better or worse, they all still got their jobs done. Their petty shit did not interfere with saving lives. Ever. He hadn't told Bri yet but he was looking into teaching classes at the academy as an end run around switching firehouses. Let Casey have some space from him until everything was settled. Whatever settled looked like. He had no clue. His modus operandi had been hit it and quit it for so long that all the changes he'd made for Bri were as alien as they were so fucking natural. He couldn't be any other way about her than he was and he didn't want to be. He just really didn't know what settled looked like. They'd been out in the open for nearly two months but together for maybe six and while he was firmly, stoutly, in this relationship til it sank, Bri being guarded made him think he shouldn't plan on too permanent a removal from 51. He didn't want to think that way and he believed she was earnest in her decision to leave if he did but there was no way he was jeopardizing both their careers on a situation that had the potential to resolve amicably. Even if he was destroyed in the process. As long as Bri wasn't hurt, it would be fine.

Kelly could admit he was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. As wholeheartedly devoted as he was to their relationship, Bri was always going to be her own person and she loved Casey. Their fight in the back office of the bar had devolved into a fight about leaving 51 had devolved into fighting in a boxing ring and blood on Bri's gloves. Nothing ever got resolved between them and Bri grew more quiet and small. He knew something had happened with Casey but not what and the guys weren't saying anything because, again, they wouldn't get involved unless they were pushed. The only person whose buttons he wanted to press, at all, was kneeling in front of him. And he really, really didn't want another fight. He wanted to know why she'd cried in his arms. He couldn't forget it. He hated the word _fine_. He hated the word _okay_ and he was a habitual exploiter of both words. Enough to wear their meanings through to bone and all the pain beneath it. His girl could have caught a bullet, standard operating procedure, just another day at the firehouse and he wouldn't ever know what he'd done wrong to make her cry in his lap like that. It drove him batshit insane and she was right, like women tended to be from time to time. They weren't happy at the moment and she wanted that part of them back. So did he.

"Just don't lie Bri. That's all I ask. There's too much going on as it is. Just don't lie to me."

Bri blinked. Bri stared into his eyes, while his hand massaged her shoulder and her hands were flat against his chest over his heart. Something she kept doing without ever explaining why. He kept right on staring while the gym was loud around them and he didn't care. Something was unraveling behind dark brown eyes and he was waiting for the catch. For the bottom to fallout from under him as he subtly adjusted his feet to be flat on the floor. As he braced himself for impact.

"Boden's planning boxing tryouts."

"What?"

Kelly felt Bri crowd closer into him. He could smell the sweat on her skin and see the thud of her pulse in her neck as she placed one hand on each of his cheeks because he wasn't expecting her to say that. Kelly rested his hands on her hips while Bri licked her lips and he let her continue.

"Boden doesn't want a transfer. You don't want a transfer. He wants to sort you guys out. Boden thinks if he allows you guys to beat each other up like at the bar and get it all out, things will be better. So he's rigging it to look like boxing tryouts for Battle of the Badges."

His hands tensed on her hips when she was finished. A boxing match. He looked around at where he was. Kelly leaned back on the folding chair to look at his girl, still on her knees in front of him, the icepack warming at his feet. He recalled all the pointers she was giving him in the ring, not the other way around.

"When were you gonna tell me all the training was for me?"

"I wasn't."

"D..."

"I'm not coddling you! This is the opposite of coddling! You've got a silver dollar sized bruise on your jaw Kelly!"

Bri's face was mutinous. She was gearing up for the argument she knew he wanted to make. He could handle himself just fine. He could handle Casey. Hadn't they argued about exactly that fact in the back office of Molly's? How if Casey wanted to press charges he would have handled it and on his own too?

"I have a bruise because I'm not going to hit you"

"Well that's just plain stupid."

"D. There is not one single thing you could say right now that will make me throw a punch at you. When's tryouts start?"

Her face turned thoughtful then and Kelly pulled her off the floor to straddle his lap because he could. Apparently he and D were going to have serious conversations in the most absurd places.

"I don't know. He didn't want it to be too obvious so he was going to talk to Antonio about setting it up like a precursor to Battle of the Badges. Didn't I just say that?"

"Jesus D. Cops? How involved is this thing gonna be?"

"Well it's not like he could call us all into the break room and say Casey! Severide! Fight it out!"

Kelly laughed at Bri's Boden impersonation. It wasn't half bad and he squeezed her waist as she sat on his lap without protest. He didn't want to ask this next question but he had to. His pride, his uncertainty about the next step with Bri and Firehouse 51, all of it, kind of all boiled down to her response.

"Does Casey know about any of this?"

Bri peered at Kelly. Nudged him with her shoulder.

"I'm here with you. You're the asshole getting punched by a chick half his size."

Kelly didn't need her to say _not Casey_ but he really wished she would. A shrug didn't mean she hadn't told the other lieutenant about the boxing match. He decided not to push it or her. He was more than a little aggravated that she had decided to help him without telling him one word about what was going on, but he appreciated the gesture. He really did. This was the sort of thing Dawson did on a regular basis. It was part of her charm, the way she supported those she cared about by actively helping them. Whether they knew it or not. It's what had gotten her in trouble with Mills. Kelly was glad she had said something though. He would have been really pissed off if she'd kept this from him all the way up til the first bout was announced. Kelly sighed loudly.

"What am I gonna do with you?"

"You're going to believe me. One of these days you're going to believe me when I say you're fucking stuck with me Severide." Kelly watched Bri cock her head to the side. "Scared yet?"

Kelly kissed Bri in reply and sunk into it. Closed his eyes and held on for all he was worth. His hands roamed under the waistband of her leggings, his right third finger sliding into the crease of her ass while she held his face like porcelain between her fingers. Bri shuddered over him and Kelly damn near imploded before he opened his eyes and remembered where he was. Any one of these guys could be friends with Bri's brother and tell him that he'd been manhandling baby sis in full view of a dozen men. Kelly figured he had to call Antonio sooner rather than later now for a variety of reasons.

ʘ

Boden peered at the detective in front of him, wondering how he was related to Dawson. He couldn't see any similarities between the siblings. Antonio made him think of Kelly. He was wearing a leather jacket _in August_ and his hands were slung low in his jeans pockets. Boden personally didn't care for the earring stud but to each their own. He was old school and too old to change his ways now. Plus, he was asking this man for help with a delicate situation in his firehouse.

"Has Gabi said anything to you?" he started in a gruff tone. Boden didn't like asking for help, especially from people he wasn't close to. Gabi was one thing. Her brother, another thing entirely as the younger man nodded slowly, gestured Boden into a diner booth. They swiftly ordered two coffees and turned back to each other.

"She mentioned you wanted to stage a series of bouts...and wanted to use Battle of the Badges as a way to hide what it's really about"

Boden's mouth quirked at the play on words with _about_. He confirmed Antonio's understanding but was more curious to learn his impression of the situation at large. Gabi had always confided in her brother. This he knew. She was also, still, very protective and anxious about his health because of the bullet wound that left her a trembling mess. Gabi mother-henned like a bulldozer in the wake of such vulnerability. Almost angry at her brother for making her feel so helpless, she had helped and hovered until the man had stopped coming around the firehouse to avoid her. Which was why they were meeting for coffee, off shift in a diner close to Antonio's precinct.

"You met Lieutenant Casey during the whole Voight situation. What do you think of him?" Boden prodded.

"Chief… how much do you know about the drama that happens in your firehouse?"

It was a deflection and not a skillful one which immediately put Boden on notice. Antonio was as blunt as his sister and went straight to the point.

"I know Casey and Severide have been at each other's throats ever since Andy died and it's only escalated in the last couple months. The summer months are always hard on the team though."

Boden paused because he wasn't sure where Antonio was going with this. He was not an obtuse man. He knew his men were hiding things from him, like their lieutenants' fight. Its circumstances. He didn't know everything and as much as he might wish to sometimes, Boden didn't feel comfortable interjecting himself in the private issues of his men. That Antonio said drama _in_ the firehouse left Boden feeling like he wasn't taking care of his men properly. He stifled a tired groan.

"All of that is true but they're also fighting because of Gabi" Antonio declared grimly. "I don't like to invade my sister's privacy. She already smothers me half to death and if I tell you some things, she's going to use it as an excuse to meddle so…"

Antonio grimaced while Boden took a sip of his coffee, content to let the detective take his time. He was too curious to interrupt.

"I know second watch is protective of Gabi. Treat her like a sister. All of that. Which is good but apparently Casey is with Gabi like Gabi is with me."

"Ah. Overprotective? Constantly fussing?" Boden suggested as Antonio scratched his chest self-consciously. Bullet wounds were no joke and his sister had every right to worry up to a certain point.

"Yeah" Antonio admitted with a chuckle. "Basically, Casey's not dealing well with Gabi dating Severide."

Boden could believe that but it didn't explain the vehemence of Casey's reaction. He was well aware of Severide's talent with women and his often terrible taste in sex partners. His sexual escapades were legendary and he knew the other firefighters often cracked jokes about the squad lieutenant's skill with women. He met Renee Royce on a job for crying out loud and to his credit, had warned her off at least twice before finally conceding to a date. At least, that was what Boden had heard from Connie's gossip. But Severide was so very much like his mother. He saw it so clearly. Yes, he did well with the ladies but he was not profoundly stupid. Starting something up with a colleague was always a risk but he knew how the younger man felt about taking risks. He did it all the damn time much to his superior's chagrin. But in seeing him with Dawson, Boden witnessed a side of his lieutenant that was so like his mother it was eerie. He was loyal once he made any sort of commitment. Even if he pretended there was none. He let Dawson go her own way, much like his mother had with Benny until the lies and the cheating became too much and she finally just let the man go. Mrs. Severide was not a coddler if he remembered correctly. She had let Kelly get into scrapes and learn his lessons. Her affection was practical and sweet. She'd allowed her little boy to cry and not feel like it was wrong to show emotion. Whatever Severide absorbed from his mother still lingered under his roughshod persona.

Boden had watched the lieutenant fuss over Dawson in his brusque and jokey way while she snorted and pretended to be annoyed. But that was on shift. He was willing to bet that in private both of them shed their casual demeanours. They worked too well together to do otherwise. Severide had a persona and he inhabited it so very well with the classic cars and the women. From the outside, he would make any parent nervous but when the man cared he kept on caring. His friendship with Shay was testimony to that impulse. Severide was cavalier with his own life to the point of serious body injury so he could help and save others. Save strangers. And Casey knew this. Had known Severide at the academy, before Boden had lain eyes on the boy for the first time in years as the upstart squad member to join Firehouse 51. Boden looked up at Antonio.

"You're saying Casey is angry at Severide for dating Dawson. Isn't this better than what he usually does?"

"Damn straight it is but it doesn't stop there, Chief. Lieutenant Casey's also just plain jealous. Gabi finally admitted some stuff to me. I wasn't happy when I found out what the hell's been going on but Gabi's happy now so..."

"So. My lieutenants are fighting over their colleague like this is high school and my firehouse is lunch hour." Boden surmised shortly.

"Basically. Look Chief, from what Gabi says, these two have a lot of shit to work out. Not just her"

Boden wanted to groan. Loudly. He had seen personal dramas play out between his men before. Had been privy to his share of such drama, much to his consternation, when he was younger. Somethings never changed and he was irritated that here he was, trying to fix a broken bond between two men who should already know better what was, and was not worth a fight. He'd given up a good woman for the sake of peace twenty years ago why the hell couldn't his men figure out a way to do the same? He cleared his throat.

"Detective, you know everyone involved. You know tensions are high. What do you think of my idea?"

"I think no matter who wins, when they get in the ring with me, I'll kick their ass."

Boden laughed out loud. For better or worse, the fights would be very entertaining at least. Hopefully they would allow the resentment and anger festering in Firehouse 51 to finally be vented.

"But seriously Chief? It can't hurt more than what's already gone down. Right?"

Boden looked across at Antonio with a slight smile. There was still a lot of mistrust between firefighters and cops in the wake of Voight's attacks against Casey. Maybe this could help everyone heal, not just his lieutenants. He gave the detective a brisk nod then pushed his coffee to the side. It was time to get down to brass tacks.

Just then his cellphone trilled loudly. An incoming call. Boden picked it up immediately with an apologetic glance at Antonio.

"Hello?"

"Wallace?"

Boden froze as Ingrid's voice poured through his ear, soft and strained. He resisted the urge to swallow.

"What's wrong Mrs. Mills?" Boden tried for a professional tone but probably failed. He heard Ingrid sigh. Heard the sounds of the diner around him and behind her, over the phone connection. He could see her in his mind, at the cash register, hair pulled back with a frown on her lips he used to chase away. Boden glanced at Antonio again. He really did have the worst timing with this woman.

ʘ

Hermann shuffled awkwardly back and forth on his feet, hands in his pockets as he looked at Casey. They were standing in front of Molly's too early for it to open but Casey had wanted to talk where no one could see him and Hermann had suggested the bar because he had prep to do before it opened that evening. Any day he wasn't on shift at the firehouse, Hermann would be at the bar. It was his safe haven from his riotous family. A family, that would expand yet again. Cindy was six months pregnant and getting anxious.

He didn't remind Casey of this. His lieutenant looked a little preoccupied. He simply opened up the bar and locked the door behind him, started pulling down stools and rearranging the tables ahead of their opening at three. Behind the bar he was checking the taps and making sure the cash register was cleared out from last night's take. All of this in near quiet as he waited for Casey to speak. Hermann was square in the middle of the two bickering lieutenants and neither had taken advantage of that position yet. He saw Kelly with Gabi and knew the jackass was as devoted as he could be. No pretense. The guy was at the bar any shift she worked. Every shift she worked to watch her and take care of her. Dawson had told him all about it with an edge of exasperated annoyance in her voice. She had never asked Kelly to do it. He just did. And spent the whole night watching her, making sure she was okay. In a word, Hermann found it disgusting and wasn't shy about saying so to either of them. But he didn't disapprove of the relationship. Gabi knew this. Casey didn't and Hermann was cautiously concerned about what his lieutenant needed to hear from him right now, man to man outside of the firehouse where he was the superior talking to his subordinate. Hermann wasn't looking to stir the pot.

"I almost slept with Heather".

Hermann froze behind the bar, washcloth over his shoulder because he'd been wiping down the shotglasses to make sure there was no dust. Casey was sitting down on a barstool, leaning over the scarred wood of the bartop, waiting for his reaction.

"Define almost," Hermann remarked softly. He was aware, as was the whole firehouse of how quickly the lieutenants had come to near blows over Severide thinking Casey had done exactly what he just admitted had almost happened. Severide was more rabid than Casey about Andy's legacy and how it was preserved. A childhood friendship would do that to any guy. And Hermann placed his hands on the bar to give Casey his undivided attention. The blonde lieutenant rasped his hands over the back of his neck as he cleared his throat.

"Damn close. Blowjob. Her. Naked on top of me"

"Why are you telling me this Casey?"

"Because I need to tell someone."

Hermann groaned inwardly. Casey had been isolating himself from the other firefighters for awhile in the wake of Dawson and Severide's relationship going public. Damned if anyone knew how long they'd been seeing each other besides Shay who wasn't saying anything. It seemed like they were in it for the long haul which clearly upset Lieutenant Casey. Hermann wouldn't betray Dawson's confidence by saying there were issues. Every relationship had issues. From what he could tell, all of Dawson's centered around the man in front of him. Around getting him to accept and be civil about Severide. It wasn't lost on him that all the players in this fiasco were more stubborn than mules about what they wanted and were probably all going about it the wrong way. He'd been known to act with the exact same level of stupidity. He could not judge but Casey saying he'd almost slept with Heather would definitely put him back in the frying pan with Severide, probably Dawson too. The woman had almost decked Heather out at the 4th of July picnic. Clearly there was no love lost between the two of them. That Casey had almost done anything with Heather at all was a testament to how much he had pulled away from his friends and colleagues.

"And? Now that you've told me? What do you expect me to say? I'm a bartender not a priest Casey. I can't absolve you of your sins".

Hermann listened while Casey began to laugh. It was a choked ugly sound, his gaze focused on the scarred bartop like it might lend him the answers he needed to move forward.

"I'm tired Hermann. I'm tired of thinking and planning and worrying and always doing what's right. _Fuck_ "

Hermann swallowed hard as Casey leaned into the bartop, hands clenched into fists, eyes still staring into nothing. He pulled a Budweiser from a fridge under the counter, popped it open and set it in front of Casey. The blonde lieutenant blinked for a full minute before murmuring a thank you and taking a long pull from the longneck. Hermann said nothing. Waited him out. Confessions were tough and Casey had lead with the worst offence so he let the words un-spool slow and painful from the younger man's throat. He was so grateful to be married in that moment. To have Cindy and their four wild kids. Looking at Casey's lost face was heartbreaking though Hermann wouldn't have phrased it that way.

"Being right and righteous nearly got Hallie hurt. Got her halfway around the world to escape me because I needed to be right more than I needed her to be safe."

"Casey-"

"What Hermann? I could have made the whole mess go away if I'd let Voight's kid go free. One kid"

"That's not who you are" Hermann chided quietly.

"Who I am has got me shit! I don't want to be the golden boy anymore! I don't want to be perfect!"

"No one thinks you're perfect Lieutenant"

"Bullshit"

"You put that on yourself. No one else is looking at you like you're God"

Hermann retorted with a snort. He grabbed his own beer from the fridge, and walked around the bar to sit down next to Casey. He was thinking of a way to explain what he meant without implying _you're being fucking stupid_ to a man twenty years his junior who was also his boss. Hermann didn't think about it too often, but it sucked sometimes to be led by men half his age who didn't know jackshit about their own lives. Casey had made an awkward situation painful for everyone when he didn't have to. It was completely unlike him and stunk of the ill-humour and rancor that had festered ever since Voight nearly destroyed his life.

"Casey… we rip through doors and break windows and generally ruin public and private property to get civilians out of fires. On a good day everyone lives. On a bad day… people die. Our job is messy, toxic and bad for our health. No one thinks you're perfect. You think you have to be is the problem".

He watched Casey take another long pull of beer without responding. Hermann could tell what he said was bugging the lieutenant but he stood by his words. Casey was the textbook superior officer. Firm but slightly removed from his men. He offered guidance but not necessarily warmth. Not unless it was warranted and even then he was often uncomfortable with emotions. He was by the book to the point that he'd almost lost everything to a dirty cop because he stood by the rules. It was understandable that he was feeling a bit chafed. Like he couldn't trust in justice. Like he felt the way he lived his life was absurd given what had happened to tilt his whole life off its axis. Still-

"What's your point Lieutenant?"

"My point is… what's the point? Of doing anything. Of being good if all that's gonna happen is you end up alone."

His face told Hermann that Casey hadn't quite meant to say so much to him but it didn't matter. Only an idiot would have looked at what had happened in the firehouse over the last few months and not seen someone who was hurting. It was part of the reason why no one had broached the Dawson issue, as the men had taken to calling it, with either man involved. Calling attention to why Casey was mad, beyond the derision of Severide's ability to commit to one woman, smacked of kicking a man when he was already down. And Casey, for lack of any better way of saying it, had been operating at a low ebb for awhile. He was trying to put back together the pieces of his life that Voight had torn asunder and it was taking some time. The revelation that one of the things he held sacred, his friendship with Gabi, was now completely altered by her devotion to the squad lieutenant rankled. It was evident in the way Casey reacted that her devotion was one of those things that was never supposed to change. And it hadn't. Not to Hermann's point of view. She still worried over Casey and spent bar shifts railing against his idiocy but Gabi didn't hate him. Had never tried to shun Casey the way he was currently shutting her out. Gabi had a big heart and had given a piece of it to someone else when Casey seemed to want it all. It didn't make sense.

"You're not alone. Your crew is with you. As to what's the point… you gotta figure what that means for you. Each person is different. I don't have answers that will help."

Hermann watched while Casey scoffed and swallowed the rest of his beer before tipping his chin to the older man. He walked towards the door without another word and Hermann sighed. It was clear to him that Casey was floundering. It was also clear to him that Casey struggled to articulate how anyone could help. He hoped the lieutenant would keep reaching out, would keep trying. Hermann didn't want to think about the firehouse would look if he didn't.

ʘ

Dawson moved like a fever dream through the rest of her morning. As punishment for hiding the boxing matches from him, Kelly had fucked her raw and fast against the gym shower wall. Told her to come quick because no one got to see her like this but him. She'd gotten close but no… she hadn't come and the look on Kelly's face had upset her. She remembered his simple code: _you always come first_. And still. She just couldn't, He'd held off as long as he could, stroking her good and well as she stifled her moans. She didn't tell him she was feeling distracted. That her body ached all over from their spar. That Casey had texted her late the night before and she was still reeling from his wall of text.

The man had come undone. Confessed a barrage of words she was still trying to pick apart. She still hadn't responded. Maybe it was a dick move but he'd mastered the class on that recently and when Kelly asked her not to lie she admitted to the boxing because fuck if she knew how to tell him Casey was being nice again. To her. She wasn't holding her breath as far as Kelly went. She was quite clear when she'd reamed Shay out that Casey was on her shit list now. She'd practically begged him to let her and Kelly be and his response had been to tell her she couldn't come to him when she was hurt. When. Not if. And there was Kelly watching her like a hawk on shift and at the bar. Her big tough guy worrying. It only hurt her when they were separated.

Right now she was alone in her apartment. Kelly had gotten a call from one of the Squad and he'd rushed off to help his teammate. Dawson smiled to herself despite her worry. To her, Kelly would now always be the guy with a teddy bear heart under his bad boy shtick. He'd always been good. Always been tender and caring. He'd just hidden it so damn well it took a full bottle of tequila for her to see it. It made Dawson squirm restlessly. She had known Kelly Severide for years and never known how deep his heart went. All she'd really perceived was his persistent needling at Casey to get the stick out his ass. His almost puppydog devotion to Shay and how he ran her ragged with their hi-jinks. He was all comedy and smooth sexuality by turns. Kelly had never let down his guard long enough for anyone to see him and now here she was, in love with every single part of him.

She needed to tell him. About Casey yeah but she needed to tell him she loved him. He needed to hear it. She was just so fucking scared of the fallout. Yes they were together. She was his. Dawson sighed and walked into her kitchen. Kelly was a warmth that blanketed her heart on even the hottest days and she wanted him with her always. This of course, was impractical. Times like this she cooked. So she would bake brownies and make dinner and remind herself that space was sometimes necessary for love to grow. She wasn't going to try and control Kelly. He would never do that to her but what they lacked for all their chemistry, was trust. She wanted to trust he would react well to those three little words. He seemed to believe her about leaving with him if he decided to quit Firehouse 51…

It was all that armor. Drunk as she was that night back in January, she recognized in Kelly the necessity to hold the world at a distance. To have the soft spots she defended so fiercely safe behind a wall. She just hoped she was behind that wall with him after she told him everything.

* * *

 _Comments welcome. The final countdown begins! No new chapters for at least ten days. Thank you for reading!_


	34. Chapter 34

**Author's note: It was never, ever my intention to make you guys wait this long. Writer's block struck hard and real life struck harder. I'm so sorry. I'm also not super pleased with how this chapter turned out as a result. It feels like filler, like connective tissue and is supposed to work in the same way as the "Day in a life of Bri and Sev" chapter with time shifts except it jumps back and forth and is NOT linear. Let me know if you're confused! There is one awkward sex scene though. So there goes my no more sex scenes for the rest of the story schtick. You guys deserve it after waiting so long.  
**

 **Thank you for sticking with me. Thank you for your patience. We're almost there. The angst will get resolved. I have the very last scene of this story written. I've had it for months. Seems like these characters want to take the long road round to happiness...**

 **Characters are the property of Dick Wolf et al. Except Angie. Angie is all mine.**

* * *

 _15 hours before shift start_

Kelly didn't go to help a member of Squad when he left Bri at her apartment, distracted and upset about too many things to talk. Instead, shuffling awkwardly from one foot to another, Kelly watched Antonio descend the precinct stairs. He wasn't exactly nervous but a sense of caution radiated from his posture. This was the man who had taught Bri to punch. How to wind up and throw her whole body into her small delicate hands. She lived her entire life that way and he could only respect the example Antonio had set forth for her. Still. He was the man fucking his baby sister and causing so much drama Chief had sought Antonio's help to fix things. Kelly was not an overly proud man. He recognized in himself, a self-sufficient stubbornness, a tendency to handle his problems alone. But the man sauntering up to him had offered his boss assistance. He couldn't deny that as Antonio gave a nod in greeting.

"Hey man," Kelly murmured self-consciously

He went to shake hands but Antonio pulled him in for a backslap and Kelly felt compelled to respond with a brief hug. Just long enough to concede to Antonio's impulse without feeling vulnerable. Well, any more vulnerable than he already was about the coming conversation.

They stood quietly for a minute, Antonio sizing Kelly up because he could and had a vague idea what the firefighter wanted to discuss, or rather whom. Antonio maintained a casual guard stoic but not unfriendly. His baby sister was happy with this man. Chief Boden trusted him and was willing to go through all manner of hoops to keep the peace and Severide at Firehouse 51. Antonio had never looked too closely at Lieutenant Severide. They were about the same age, give or take a year. They had probably followed some of the same bands growing up and been on opposite ends of high school sports rivalries, though Antonio didn't care enough to check. Not unless Gabi showed up crying. It was enough that Severide was Irish and Antonio, for all his last name sounded white, was part of the large and all encompassing Latino community. He might bleed blue now but he was always going to be suspicious of _gringoes_. Especially any _gringo_ who messed with his sister.

"So..."

"So this discussion needs beer and we can't go to Molly's. Your choice Detective"

Antonio smiled while Kelly cleared his throat and wondered if his approach was too forward as he followed the detective's slow saunter a couple blocks over and onto a well-trafficked city street.

ʘ

 _morning meeting; shift start_

Boden strode into the break room irritated and excited and more belligerent by half, than any man should be after a two day break from duty. Ingrid had told him everything. That Peter knew everything. That she'd tried to deflect him and be vague but all Boden could think was right now he had two insubordinate lieutenants and now a probie seething with resentment. Retirement wasn't an option. He refused to concede to his better angels and allow someone else to handle the mess that had become his firehouse. His second home. He was always going to try and do right by his men, all of his men. And reaching out to Peter in the past had garnered him less than optimal results so now….

"Okay listen up people!"

Boden waited til the chatter died down and everyone was quiet in their seats. He scanned the room with his eyes, establishing for a moment, his silent dominion over his firefighters and paramedics. In front, a place he would never have sat before, was Severide leaning back, his arm slung over the top of Dawson's chair. She was sitting upright, the picture of propriety and attention. Boden wanted to smile in spite of all the drama. These two were so deeply wound together and yet they still tried to maintain professionalism at work. These two, who had yelled at him, disobeyed direct orders, gone off on their own more times than he could count. Not a hair was out of turn when it came to their relationship. It was that unconsciously important. They weren't even touching but Severide wanted to, he could tell. God, he could remember being the same way a long time ago.

"It has come to my attention that PD is ramping up for Battle of the Badges already. The brass wants to do an exhibition fundraiser to show we've got what it takes." This was only slightly a lie. Between him and Antonio, enough firehouses and precincts were willing to pound on each other for kicks. The bad blood from Voight's attack on Casey needed to be vented. Public servants needed to work together. There was so much distrust rife between the departments that police officers were persona non grata at Molly's except for Antonio. Which was the detective's own personal reason to help, he hoped it would kill two birds with one boxing stone.

Amidst the groans and general complaining that ensued Boden didn't glance away as Dawson's palm touched Severide's suddenly tense body. She didn't say a word. Didn't look away from Boden who was eyeing her blatantly. She'd told Kelly about the plan. He wished he could be more pissed about that but he couldn't. Not if it ensured his participation. Boden let his men quarrel and complain amongst themselves for a little while longer before he held his hand up for quiet again.

"There will be tryouts. First in each firehouse then, between them. I expect your full cooperation in this endeavour"

Boden put the considerable weight of his authority behind his tone. The bouts were meant for Casey and Severide specifically but he needed all his men to work out their issues. Their opinions on the matter and petty differences were tearing the house apart. He was not about to lose a qualified officer because the other one was sulking about a choice his paramedic in charge had made about who she was dating. It was all absurd and all part and parcel of working in a firehouse. Hadn't he elicited the same amount of drama when he was young?

Peter Mills's tight face bounced into his view and he hid a flinch at the stark look of loathing on the younger man's face. He wanted to hit Boden. That much was obvious. He wanted the opportunity to see his superior in pain. It was a normal reaction to what Mills had learned but Boden could not be cowed. His decisions had hurt more than just Ingrid. If Mills thought differently that was his own burden and nothing to do with the short burst of angina Boden always seemed to feel when Ingrid called or sighed or gave him a look like he didn't know a damn thing about anything. He still cared. So did she. And there was nothing for it but to brace against the pain and move on. Everyone did eventually.

Boden cleared his throat and moved the meeting forward, reluctant to linger in his own morose feelings. He had a job to do and the meeting before shift start was important. He quickly told everyone to see Connie about signing up for tryouts and proceeded down the long list of the day's schedule and procedures.

Dawson's hand tightened on Severide as Chief mentioned the sign-up. This was it. She and Chief and Antonio had plotted and now, not only were Sev and Casey supposed to fight but whoever made it through Firehouse 51 tryouts would be duking it out with other firefighters and on and on til the massive fundraising blowout in mid-October for the one cop and one firefighter who would compete in each weight division…

Sev's hand gripped over hers on his chest and Dawson turned to look at him with surprise. They were still cautious of contact around the other firefighters. They could each reach out and touch or comfort silently, but anything that looked like they were a couple was usually a no-go. Sev was looking straight at her, a nerve flinching his jaw. He was unhappy and she was anxious about his leg. How that injury could be used against him in the ring . She knew he wanted to kiss her palm but they were in the middle of a meeting, Boden droning on although, thankfully, not paying any attention to them. Sev's face reminded her of the night before when he'd come back gloomy and rattled in the middle of her cooking dinner...

ʘ

 _11 hours before shift start._

She'd given him a key so Dawson wasn't scared when the front door opened and closed, her mind set on doing justice to the linguine cabonara recipe she was improvising with bacon instead of guanciale. So sue her, she didn't have the money for fancy italian meats. She was tossing the pasta into the skillet with the bacon carefully. Dawson was concentrating so hard that it took Sev kissing her neck to remind her someone had entered the house.

"Hey…." Dawson turned around as she spoke and stopped as soon as she saw Sev's face. "What's wrong?"

Sev kissed her without replying, his mouth centered over her lower lip, devouring her as she gasped in response, his hands already rucking her shirt up over her ribs. She grabbed his shoulders to steady herself.

"Wait. Wait! Dinner..." she gasped.

He reached around her to turn off the stove, his eyes glittering in his drawn face. Something was wrong. Something was very very off and he wasn't speaking. Dawson's palm touched his cheek and she watched him collapse into it. His eyes closed. He turned his head to kiss her palm softly. Dawson thought for a moment he would slow down but he didn't. He pulled her shirt over head, his kisses open-mouthed and wet on her lips, on her neck where he used his teeth and she shuddered and cried out. Dawson didn't realized he'd moved her until she felt the wall. His mouth was on her left breast, sucking her nipple to a point through her bra, the thumb and finger of his left hand playing with her other breast. He yanked the cups down, impatient and somehow furious. And she fucking went with it. She didn't get off earlier. Maybe this was him trying again. Proving he could. She was already damp and hollow in the one place he had yet to touch.

"Baby..."she keened the word. He was kissing her stomach, his tongue licking into her navel, his hands shoving her pants and panties down. _What is going on?!_ She wondered, her hands gripping into his too short hair as Sev kneeled before her. Her nails scratched over his scalp and he moaned against her hipbone. Dawson couldn't even watch him do it, too focused on the way her legs were shaking and she needed to hold herself up. Her back hugged the wall, Sev's hands clenched over her butt as he leaned in to lick her clit like a starved man.

The next few minutes should have embarrassed her. And it probably wasn't a few minutes but Dawson didn't care. Sev was going down on her in the kitchen. Again. But this time all the considerable force of his personality was on her. He wedged his shoulders between her thighs when they started to tremble. She rode his face until she was insensible, all babble and pleading but then she heard a zipper and a muffled groan against her slit. Dawson looked down and her man was jerking off while eating her out. His one hand clenched over her hipbone while the other stroked up and down and she finally, finally protested.

"Stop! Bed! Ohmygod what the hell..." _Your leg!_ She wanted to say. Severide was doing too much again. She pulled his face away from her clit. He looked as dazed and needy as she felt and Dawson wanted to be full. So full of him she couldn't take anymore. She knew this man. Knew he was trying to say something with his mouth that words couldn't touch. Something had happened and she was going to figure it out. Dawson held his gaze for a long minute, his breath puffing out on her vagina, turning her liquid, dripping it down her thighs, as he kept stroking up and down on himself. Waiting.

"Couch. From behind. Now."

It was the fact that he didn't say a word that let her know something big was hurting her man. He kissed and curved over her body, slotting into it with a warm and happy sigh, fingers rubbing over her clit. But he didn't say a word. He'd always egged her on, treated her orgasm like a competitive sport because they could make a challenge out of anything. She liked it. But now he jackhammered into her like an automaton, still half clothed. She could feel his jeans against the back of her thighs while her breasts bobbed back and forth outside her bra. This wasn't intimate. It wasn't even fun. It was insatiable, painful need and he was trying to exorcise some demon with her body. She loved the feeling of him pistoning in and out of her but was worried. Sev was upset. Sev was...

"Get out of your head Bri." he growled.

 _Oh thank god finally_. He spoke. Dawson turned her head to look at him. Face flushed. She pretended to be pissed off because he wouldn't handle her concern well right now.

"Make. Me." she threw down the challenge with a buck of her hips back into his. She watched his nostrils flare and his chest flex. Dawson felt as he took his hand off her clit with a noise of complaint. Severide kept looking at her and she stared right back. He was moving in and out of her at a steady pace. His hand on her hip tightened. He wanted to control her movement. He wanted…

She felt his thumb pressing lightly around the puckered skin of her asshole and Dawson's eyes widened a little. Sev stared right back. Goading her. He wouldn't do anything without her consent. She knew that.

"Tilt your hips up and rest your head on your arms."

"I don't have a prostate."

Dawson was officially mortified. _Why did I say that?!_ Six months with Severide and she thought she was over feeling like a sexual novice. Clearly she was wrong. He chuckled softly. He wasn't fucking her as fast as before. The mood had changed as soon as he spoke. He nudged her legs into a wider stance, his thumb still tracing around her asshole. Dawson tightened involuntarily. Nervous. She felt Sev pause, the pad of his thumb resting just so as she closed her eyes and leaned forward on her arms.

"Do you trust me?"

Dawson blinked back into the present, Sev's hand still clutched over her own in the break room as the meeting dispersed. She loved him. Of course she trusted him. This man would walk into burning buildings for strangers and colleagues. She had no doubt he would do anything to save her life. Her heart however… Dawson cleared her throat loudly.

"I know you don't believe this idea will work"

"Bri-"

"I get it. You may not think I do but at least it's one more thing to try before we pick up sticks and leave."

The room was silent. Everyone else had left, even Boden and Dawson was not one to waste an opportunity. She kissed Sev. Short and quick but with all her passion. He held her close, willing her lips back to his own but she shook her head. They were at work. They were in the building and the door was open and anyone could pass by and complain. Not that she thought they would but she'd kissed him to get him out of his fatalistic thoughts. She was right in front of him and she believed in them. She wanted him. Even if she did have things she needed to discuss with him later.

"There are no guarantees Sev. Nothing is promised. All we can do is make the decisions that make us happy."

Dawson was vague on person. She meant the situation with Casey and getting him to fight Sev but she also meant them. She really did need to come clean but last night had not been the right time. Sev still hadn't said more than a few words about what was bothering him. It frustrated as much it hurt. So many doors were open between them but the few that remained closed were still doing damage. He needed time. She convinced herself of this every morning she woke up with him curled over her back like a question mark. And with one last squeeze of his hand she left to find Shay. The woman had been avoiding her all morning. Time to clear the air after that scene at Molly's. She wasn't going to apologize but she sure as shit was going to make sure her partner knew how things were going to go from now on.

Kelly watched Bri leave with mixed feelings. It seemed liked he was playing devil's advocate to her cheerleader. Bri remained absolutely certain that fighting Casey would help with their issues. She didn't like it but Chief had convinced her and she had convinced Antonio and now it felt like far too many people were involved in what should have remained his private business. His conflict with Casey was about more than Bri and they both knew it. Or he thought they did. Casey was like a brother to him. One whose example he could never hope to emulate and yeah, sometimes that was annoying when people said shit but Casey was more fucked up than anyone who knew him as the straitlaced firefighter could comprehend. The guy was damaged. Foster care in his teenage years because his mom killed his dad. His sister disappeared on him. All of it more messy than his own childhood by half. And the guy wanted to play like he was normal.

Kelly shook his head as he stood and followed Bri out the door. He was in a foul mood and he knew he had a hair trigger. Anything could set him off, the scrutiny that Chief and Bri were going to put on him for the next 24 hours was not welcome. He would rather anything than being put under a microscope. Expectations. They expected him to make this happen. He wondered now, if he would have played right into their hands if Bri hadn't said anything. Would he have taunted Casey into fighting if he didn't know that was what Bri wanted? He thought not. Bri had been so pissed after the bar fight. The same night she cried and Kelly flinched thinking back on his conversation with Antonio. No use dwelling on that mess right now. He strolled over to where Capp was sitting at their long dining table and asked to play cards instead.

ʘ

Casey was standing across of Boden's desk, his arms crossed and posture stiff while his supervisor sat calmly, waiting for him to simmer down.

"Where the hell did this come from Boden?"

"It's for charity..."

"That's bull. Ten years as a firefighter-"

"Casey. There is enough bad blood between CFD and CPD to power bickering and in-fighting for the next five years. Brass is trying to fix it. The scandal with Voight… they are trying to bring each department together for a good cause."

All in all, Boden thought it was a good half-truth. Even if fixing the tension between Casey and Severide was the precipitating incident for all these plans, it was a nice side effect to resolve larger department issues as well. There were more dirty cops than Voight. All of his cronies were still working for CPD and the mistrust lay thick between Firehouse 51 and the boys in blue. Never mind that Chicago police officers had a long and varied history of corruption spanning the whole of the twentieth century going back to Prohibition. Graft, it was not an easy problem to root out. He peered at Casey closely. The blonde was the picture of control and steely determination.

It was clear Casey viewed the entire thing as a distraction from firefighter duties at best and a complete debacle otherwise. The men would spend the next few weeks harassing and nagging each other about who would win in a fight until some kind of scuffle ensued. He made a show of uncrossing his arms and thrusting his hands in his pockets.

"When do tryouts start?"

"Our third shift off day from now. Franklin St. Boxing Club."

"A week. You're staging tryouts in a week? No one has trained."

"Come on it's for charity Casey! No one's expecting knockouts"

Boden was saved from more argument by a clearing throat and Connie standing in his doorway. She didn't look thrilled and Boden's face must have telegraphed his concern because Casey turned around and stared at the secretary as well.

"Connie what is it?"

Her eyes flicked to Casey awkwardly and Boden readily dismissed the lieutenant, waving his secretary to sit down across from him. He didn't miss the indignation on Casey's face but he couldn't care at the moment. Connie didn't barge into his office for minor events. Not interrupting his meetings was a matter of manners yes, but also respect. He watched her fingers twist in her lap.

"One of the brass called. Apparently you went over his head to organise the boxing matches. You've been called in to explain yourself."

Boden leaned back in his desk chair, eyes closed as his hands tightened on his desk. Just once he would like to do something for his men and have the white shirts not question him. He could guess which one had complained. Diehard Chicago native who still talked about the "good old days" with that slight sneer that sent Boden into a quietly seething spiral. Racism was not missing in CFD or CPD.

"When?" he barked.

"As soon as you're off shift."

Boden grunted, exceedingly annoyed. Just off shift Early in the morning, because of course it wasn't like he had anything better to do. Like get a full night's sleep.

ʘ

Shay stifled a groan as Dawson stomped over to the ambo. Her countenance could only be described as determined. She didn't want to deal with it. Inwardly she flinched as Dawson stood over her, eyes flashing.

"Are we good?"

Shay put it down to Dawson's temper that all she could do when she was worried and irritated was bluster and push. She cared about Shay's response but not as much as she cared about Kelly. The thought made Shay swallow tightly. Angie would have said I told you so or something. She would have been right too.

"Yes." Her voice felt small and tinny to her own ears and she physically winced when Dawson caught the tone.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Shay."

She didn't want to come clean about Angie just yet. The talk over breakfast had not gone well. Angie, her voice smooth and dark as smoke, had patiently explained all the ways she felt minimized and rebuked for her opinions. Shay had apologized for being blind and narrow in her perspective on the whole ordeal. Angie had countered with a description of what being open and accepting of all relationships meant in the LGBTQ community and Shay had flinched. Self-preservation, it was a hell of a thing and she had more than her share of it swimming in her veins. It was the end of the conversation that still stuck in her craw. How Angie had leaned across the table and kissed her forehead like a little kid. Said, _Be happy Les_ and dropped some cash before leaving Shay stunned into sober silence.

Happy. What a strange concept. Everyone was talking about it like she couldn't grasp the theory. Like she was so selfish and broken she had to be told. That Kelly and Dawson were happy. That –

"Shay!"

Dawson pressed in, her face hovering close to Shay's indignation stripped to concern. Her hand hovered over Shay's shoulder and Shay felt her lips tremble. I will not cry. I will not… but Dawson hugged her tight. Didn't ask questions which was practically miraculous and Shay folded into the embrace, shuddering to keep the tears at bay. She had lost Angie. She was losing Kelly in slow agonising degrees and Dawson was holding her like she was fucking glass. There was no end to the embarrassment.

"I'm fine."

"Shut up and get in the ambo" Dawson muttered. "The guys are watching".

Shay didn't respond as she quickly turned to the driver side of the ambulance. She felt more than saw Dawson stare at her back as she walked away. She knew for a fact that some of the Squad guys had seen the hug. Not Kelly, thank God for small miracles, but the gossip would fly soon enough. She didn't want to face any of her mistakes just then and she shut the door of the front cab forcefully, all the anger self-directed and full of regret.

ʘ

 _13 hours before shift start_

Antonio figured he'd given Severide enough time to get good and loose-lipped with the empty pint glasses scattered around them at his personal pub haunt. Antonio put his glass down on the bar with an audible thud and looked across at the cocksure lieutenant firefighter. He wasn't looking so cocky anymore but he figured that had more to do with Severide trying not to piss off his girlfriend's brother than anything else. Which got him thinking…

"What exactly do you want from Gabi?"

"Are you sure you want the answer to that?" Severide joked with a nervous smile.

"Kelly… "

"I care about her. I'm not trying to be a dick. I wanted to talk to you. Remember? I'm worried."

Antonio blinked with surprise. So far they'd talked around Dawson. Discussed boxing and Severide's recent workouts downtown. Antonio wasn't stupid. He knew his baby sis was trying to get her man into fighting form for tryouts. Did Severide…

"Dawson told me about the whole thing with the boxing tryouts and the charity"

"That girl cannot keep a secret to save her damn life" Antonio groaned with a scowl at the man sitting next to him. He glared until Severide fidgeted, til he drained all his beer and lifted his glass for another.

"You said you were worried." Antonio watched while Severide's blue eyes flickered. It made everything in his body tense and his hackles rise to the occasion. He watched the other man swallow and resisted the urge to rush him.

"The thing is..." Severide hedged and Antonio leaned forward. He could see this was difficult to say but he wasn't going to help. This was the man fucking his sister six ways to Sunday if his reputation was anything to go by. Severide's anxiety was not his problem even if the idiot cringed.

"I don't know how to say this except to say it. She was crying and she wouldn't tell me what was wrong and it was while we were fu-"

Severide's speech cut off as Antonio loomed over him, hand knotted in the collar of his cotton tee-shirt.

"Did you hurt her?"

"No, absolutely not." Severide's face looked genuinely horrified but Antonio wasn't so sure.

He registered Severide's meaty palm around his one wrist, his left wrist. The hand that had grabbed his baby sister's dickhead boyfriend's shirt. The man was too calm by half for a guy who'd just confessed to making his sister cry. Antonio was a level-headed guy. Mostly. But he also had his right hand on the butt of his gun. His eyes glued to the _gringo_ in front of him.

"You must have done something. You just said she was crying."

"I don't know! Why the fuck do you think I'm asking you?"

Antonio considered that for a moment. Severide had asked to meet him, not vice versa. He was usually hands off with Gabi since she could take care of herself. He'd hoped doing so would encourage her to be same with him. It didn't work and the jackass in front of him was asking for help. That shit confused the hell out of his point of view. The one he'd given Chief Boden about both the asshole firefighters blowing up station house 51 with their drama.

"Gabi doesn't cry often. Not in front of people" Antonio admitted grudgingly as he released his grip on Severide's tee-shirt and sat back down. The firefighter raked both hands through his hair and down his face before shaking his head as though to clear it. Antonio waited.

"Shit. I _know_. And I didn't want to push because she was embarrassed but with everything else… "

Severide trailed off but Antonio got the idea. Everything else was the drama with Casey and all the tension between them and the rest of their colleagues. Antonio peered closely at Severide. He did look distraught. Also, obscenely uncomfortable, but the man had asked to sit down over a pint and discuss his meddling little sister because he was actually concerned. It was more than he'd thought this playboy public servant was capable of and yet… The cop wondered which way to take the conversation. He could keep it friendly and light. Alleviate Severide's concerns about Gabi and say it would all be fine because with Gabi it usually was until it wasn't and she jumped feet first into another mess.

And her relationship with this asshole was a fucking mess. He'd thought she was happy and here was a motherfucker saying his sister had cried and then done what she always did. Pretended it didn't matter and held her pain close to the vest. This shit mattered. Antonio could eventually get Gabi to open up. Her friend Shay was almost as reliable in that respect, but this dick... In the end Antonio figured he couldn't be kind because Severide was a guy, like any other guy himself included. Men didn't react to love-taps. They only learned from the knockout punch that sent them sprawling to the floor, that killed their pride. Whatever injury didn't spill blood, didn't count.

"She cried. You hurt her. Point blank. She just doesn't trust you enough to tell you why."

He watched as Severide tried to come up with a counterargument and failed. Took a long gulp of his light beer and grimaced at Antonio, his features gone stark in his expressive face. The laidback jokester of a firefighter was gone, replaced by a man that Antonio had seldom seen and didn't trust.

"Why are you helping Boden with this ridiculous boxing idea?"

Textbook deflection. Antonio almost wished Severide was a perp he could grill for his own answers. Gabi be damned. She was already beating the shit out of Severide to help him.

"She's my sister. I thought you made her happy."

"I do make her happy."

Antonio couldn't hide his distaste for the other man just then. He was pissed about the fact that Gabi had been crying and told exactly no one something was wrong. He forgot sometimes that his sister was as loud as she was private. Gabi could get in your face like no one else and then turn around and hide the most basic things from the people she loved. Like that one time in Mexico she got drunk and almost married Hector after he proposed with a beer can tab. His sister's taste in men...

"Look, Severide… shit I guess I should call you Kelly. Anyway. Gabi has always been impulsive. I don't need to know specifics to know how you found yourself in bed with her. A couple drinks. Little to no concern for what the fuck it means when you start fucking a coworker. I get it. I know your rep. But what are you doing? Do you actually know what you want from Gabi? Or is she going to be crying and hiding it from everyone because everyone is in her business. Everyone being so damn interested in your standoff with Casey"

"What I want from Dawson is the same thing she wants from me. We don't lie to each other."

Antonio snorted and watched Kelly level a glare that did nothing more than amuse him. The smile he gave Kelly in return was bitter.

"She's hiding. You don't know how you hurt her. Even if you're not lying, I bet neither of you are saying the truth."

* * *

 _thanks for reading! sorry again for the long wait. i'm gonna be brain dead for work tomorrow but you guys are worth it :)_


	35. Chapter 35

**AN: Hi hi! Did you know that in one recent study in a metropolitan area, paramedics are on average, 12 times as likely to be assaulted on the job than their firefighter counterparts? That their job training does not include what to do when faced with a combative patient or how to protect themselves? That there is no standard for how to mitigate the trauma of repeated altercations with a patient who uses EMS as their only avenue of healthcare? That job-related illness or injury rates were on average 19% as opposed to 1.3% in the general population?**

 **Just some research I came across as I was sourcing inspiration for writing this chapter and the other Chicago Fire fanfic I started. And hey! I didn't torture you guys for another month! Progress. As per usual, thank you for reading and reviewing and in general, keeping me honest. If you don't follow Monica Raymund on twitter. Start now. She posted a picture with Taylor Kinney that had my head spinning. Major props to PilyMiriam for bringing it to my attention. Just... that look in her eyes. I have writing thoughts.**

 **Disclaimer: All characters but Angie are the work of Dick Wolf et al.**

* * *

Boden's day had gone to complete shit and it wasn't even noon. Casey was irritated with him, the brass wanted to scold him for organising a boxing tourney and just then, Mills was standing resolute with pink transfer papers and a calm look of disdain across the desk from him. If Boden had believed in the concept of karma, he'd have demanded a recount from Buddha. He was so plainly irritated at this juncture that he loomed half over his desk, fists planted on its dark wood surface, a vein ticking in his temple like a metronome. Mills didn't cower in the slightest.

"I do not accept this."

"With all due respect sir, I think your opinion is prejudicial."

"I don't give a damn what you think. You're still a probie. There is nowhere to transfer to!"

"Sir."

The one word response was a chide. Mills had yet to express his inner anger and resentment. Boden broke first, his temper flaring, his stance overbearing and belligerent, while Mills stood at attention staring at the back wall, his stance military correct. All that was proper and just as annoying while Boden glared a hole through the back of his traitorous throat.

"Explain to me how this helps you then?"

"I don't want to be used as a way to heal your guilt"

"Peter…"

"She cried for months and we didn't know why."

"Your father..."

"He was home. He'd come back and still."

Boden swallowed the words of whatever defense he thought to muster and sat back down. He stared at the young man in front of him. The spitting image of Ingrid. He couldn't find Henry to save his damn life in Mills' young naive face. His stubbornness? That was becoming more and more evident in the quiet way he'd seethed around the firehouse. How he'd known of the affair and kept quiet. Then blown up at his mother who turned around and told Boden to fix it. That none of this would have happened if he hadn't been such a damn coward.

"Leaving doesn't solve anything and hurts your career."

"I beg to differ. This firehouse is a mess. Casey dictates the way you run things and he's not someone I'm keen to learn from at the moment if I ever did."

Boden paused over that last statement. He was more aware now of his lieutenants' love lives than he ever wanted to be and how it was affecting their subordinates. And Mills had dated Dawson, however briefly. Casey wouldn't lash out at a probie. Would he?

Just then a dog's mournful howl sounded through the office and Mills immediately turned around to see Pouch, sitting at the end of the hallway, his eyes on someone's food in the kitchen.

"If you leave you're taking him. It's your fault we have Pouch in the first place" Boden remarked dryly even as he scrambled to think of a way to fix what had been broken for too damn long. Losing a probie and a lieutenant was out of the question. And if rumour ran true, it'd be a lieutenant, a probie and a paramedic. The firehouse would suffer and so would his men. He stared up at Mills, trying to find a solution that his young accusing eyes refused to give.

ʘ

Dawson and Shay were silent in the ambulance on the way back from a medical call downtown. The tiny blonde paramedic had finally unloaded all of her damage and woe about Angie. They were done. Over. She'd done this while she was driving, that small bit of control shielding her eyes from Dawson's piercing scrutiny. It wasn't like her to hold back. She knew that. Dawson knew that but shit if things hadn't gotten complicated once she started swapping spit with Kel. Shay figured that's why Dawson still hadn't peppered her with a whole lot of questions. They had yet to truly clear the air about Dawson's ultimatum. The cab of the ambulance was quiet in the most awkward sense. Shay had said they were good but good was relative and Dawson's eyes drilling into the side of her head were giving her a blinding tension headache, her hands clutched around the steering wheel like a racecar driver, locked at ten and two.

"Okay! Talk!" Shay barked suddenly.

She couldn't stand the hovering energy. The querulous quietude. Dawson being silent was so so bad. It was silently plotting murderous revenge bad like that one time she'd set her up on a blind date and they'd gone three shifts without speaking a word that wasn't about work.

"You do realize that your need for complete control is why this happened, right?"

Shay tried not to grind her teeth and held her tongue in her cheek, waiting for Dawson to continue.

"I mean, not for nothing Shay, since I tried to stage manage Mills and look how that turned out. You really hurt Angie. What do you wanna do?"

"Do?!" Shay couldn't help sounding incredulous. Doing anything seemed to be where she got things very very wrong with everyone.

"Yeah. Do you want to give her space? Do you plan to reach out when you're both less raw? Do you want to get sloppy drunk on margaritas off shift and start forgetting her? You're miserable. I wanna help".

Shay pulled up to a red light and looked across at Dawson, uncertainty plain to be seen on her face. Dawson seemed sincere. She had no agenda but friendship as far as Shay could tell. Perhaps this was a way to repair their fraying bond. Perhaps letting Dawson in after months of guarded censure would make things finally absolutely okay. Shay stared, her thoughts scrambling through contingencies in her head, until Dawson's smile withered, and she ducked her eyes away from Shay's gaze.

"You're serious?"

"Yeah you can even drag me to a lesbian bar. I'll say I'm bisexual" Dawson joked.

"You are bisexual"

"No, you just want me to be" Dawson teased lightly. "Come on Shay. What do you need?"

Dawson's voice was soft and kind. Shay felt her cheeks go hot as the traffic light turned green and she switched into gear to move forward. Something embarrassingly obvious had just occurred to her. Something that latched onto an emotion she felt unconsciously but had clearly never addressed properly to herself. She was attracted to Dawson. They'd never discussed it. One, because Shay would never ever hit on a coworker, especially not a superior. So Dawson didn't know. Two, because it was obvious from day one hour one that Dawson wanted Casey. Three, Shay wasn't a fan of putting herself out there even if there was a chance Dawson could have reciprocated. She really did have bad gaydar. But the revelation wasn't that Shay was attracted to Dawson. She knew this. Knew that her fierce loyalty and love for the woman was all tangled up in that unrequited chemistry. What seemed to have pissed her off more than anything else in the debacle that was Kelly and Dawson, was their intimacy. She was, to her complete and utter shame, furiously jealous of Kelly and how he got to know Dawson. Know her mouth and her body and all the small, sweet things lovers knew simply because he had the right equipment. He got to have all of her and did. He really fucking did and they were both being idiots and she wanted them to stop but the crux of her issue with their relationship had just opened a door in her psyche and said: _Bitch you fucked uppppp_.

Shit. She'd stuffed her desire for Dawson so way down in her mind. Locked the door. Padlocked it. Because you know, control. And because she couldn't have the one she wanted, she dated Clarice. A different cute brown-eyed brunette who'd ravaged her emotionally. Twice. And on and on until Angie. Another brunette, wild and careless and tender by degrees. Her complete opposite in height and temperament and profession and she's ruined their relationship with irrational jealousy. With her bad, bleak karma. She was afraid as well. Shay realised she thought that Angie would do what Clarice did. And so she'd wrangled every corner of their relationship down to hospital corners on a bed only she slept in seeking a way to be okay with her friends falling in love and leaving her behind. Trying to be okay when panic climbed up her throat imagining all the what-ifs and fallout and of course she wanted Kel to be happy. Of course she did. It was just her own stupid desires that had muddled her message. With a wince Shay understood how much like Casey she'd been acting and regret threatened to rob her of breath. Now she understood why Kel didn't believe her when she said she wanted him to be happy. She'd wanted it on her terms. She'd said that Casey would never forgive him for sleeping with Dawson but she should have said it was her. She was the one who couldn't handle how close to home each friend had found love. She imagined Kel's face at Molly's that last time. His frustrated disgust with her and then Dawson….

Shay swallowed quietly, aware that Dawson was waiting for an answer. Dawson was actually being quiet and thoughtful despite her tendency to ramble about herself. Dawson, one of her best friends, who was fucking her other best friend and she was, underneath it all, feeling hurt and betrayed that it couldn't be her. What a joke.

"I think I need to be alone. Actually."

Shay's voice sounded weak and brittle to her own ears. It needed to be said though. She'd latched on so tight to Kel and Dawson as family she'd unconsciously despised their connection. That was flat out wrong. As she finally turned the last corner towards the station house she flung a small smile Dawson's way.

"I'll take a raincheck on the margaritas though"

ʘ

Dawson left Shay cleaning up the ambo and was more than a little concerned. Shay had looked pale and flushed by turns. She was clearly not sleeping well in the breakup aftermath and if it went on long enough, there would need to be an intervention. She sincerely hoped it didn't come to that. Shay was her friend despite all recent evidence to the contrary. It didn't matter that they disagreed about oh the fundamental need she had for Kelly in her life. Shay was family. She'd show up when necessary.

But right now she needed to find Sev and a quiet corner and a long overdue talk. God. She hated talks. They always came out like lectures and she wanted to be cool and nonchalant but neither of them were chill people. Go figure. Her phone beeped while she was turning a corner into the kitchen and as she looked down, Dawson bumped into a body coming from the opposite direction.

"Ow"

"Sorry. So sorry"

Dawson went rigid as she glanced up at Casey who was neatly followed by Mills. All of them standing in the doorway, awkward and froze, Casey's hands on her upper arms to keep her from falling. Casey was staring at her and Dawson felt acutely aware of the fact she'd never texted him back. And for better or worse this was still Casey. Casey who she'd-

"Dawson? You okay?"

It was Mills' voice that jogged her out of her stupor. He stepped forward with her phone which had clattered to the floor in the collision. Dawson pulled herself from Casey's arms with a silent tug, her large eyes incredulous. She had most definitely not forgiven him the latest hot and cold routine. She was a silly idiot sometimes. Dawson copped to her flaws and deep though she loved Sev, a strange tremor of desire still ran thru her with close proximity to Casey. She resented it but it was there. Dawson spared a long grateful glance at Peter for saving her from complete stupidity. She needed to find Sev. Now.

"Yeah Mills. Thanks. Have you seen Severide?"

Was it awkward asking the whereabouts of your current lover from your ex-lover while in front of the one guy you'd always lusted after? Yes. But such was her life, bets on her sexual escapades in the firehouse and all. Like the telenovelas her aunt probably still watched. If Mills couldn't handle it. Tough luck. Except Mills didn't look put out. In fact he smiled with a glance at the back of Casey's head like they shared a secret and Dawson could have sworn that smile was the slightest bit evil. Did her Peter have a dark side she'd never glimpsed?

"Yeah he's in officer's quarters lying down if you want him."

The smirk on his face confirmed it. Mills was evil and trying to taunt Casey. Why, she could care less, but any drama that wasn't her relationship was much appreciated these days. She didn't spare Casey another glance as the lieutenant turned around to give Mills a speaking look of displeasure.

"I do. I need him right now, Thanks again Mills"

When she got to the officer's rooms, Dawson broke protocol. She closed and locked the door. This jarred Sev from his light doze, blue eyes dulled with sleep and speech slurred while her heart melted just the tiniest bit more. She hated to do this but,

"We need to talk about last night. Among other things"

Other things being the Casey text of course and the fact that she was so fucking in love with him bedhead made her heart melt into wax. _What the fuck_. Dawson watched Sev sit up slowly on the cot with a smirk on his face.

"Last night you came so hard you passed out Bri. Not sure what there is to discuss"

Ugh. Damn the man for reducing her to wet panties and thigh tremors. The sex was not the issue. She leaned against the wall and didn't step closer while Sev stretched and woke up properly.

"You were upset Sev. You didn't say a word. You still haven't said anything that makes sense about why you were like that. I'm worried. Should I be worried about you?"

She knew the answer was yes. Sev using sex to obliterate all other issues was kind of the definition of _something has gone horribly, terribly wrong and I don't want to discuss it._ The assplay added a sharper edge to his psychological state. Or maybe she was reading too much into it. It was possible but Sev asking if she trusted him in that moment was telling. Her answer and the way her body had responded was beside the point to her. Sev was back to feeling uncertain again and his silence just then spoke volumes. He scraped a hand across his face and blinked up at her. Silent. Dawson had had enough staring for the last thirty minutes.

"Can you stop being the macho asshole for maybe five minutes Kelly?! God! Sometimes you are so damn-"

"Why were you crying?"

Dawson's face collapsed from anger to confusion as quickly as her temper flared.

"What?"

"You've cried exactly three times that I've seen since we got together. That first night in January. After Joseph died in the building collapse. During sex after the bar fight. The last time. Why?"

Dawson was stunned. Also mortified. She didn't want to think that her crying had been bugging Kelly for this long but clearly it had. That night… it had ended so awfully after such a wonderful day. She'd already known she loved him but…

"I loved that day," she began quietly, working her way up to an explanation that would appease him but protect her. She pulled the chair out at the desk and sat down, leaning forward, elbows braced on her thighs.

"We spent the entire day together and I enjoyed every minute of it. I thought I'd get sick of you since we see each other all the time but instead we had the perfect day." Dawson paused to smile at Sev but her face unraveled looking into his eyes. He looked completely ashen.

"What are you hiding from me?"

"A couple things," Dawson answered honestly. "but so are you. That's why we're sitting here."

She watched him cup his face in his palms and breathe out deeply. Her fingers twisted in her lap. She wanted to reach out but knew she shouldn't. Whenever Sev got wound up it was better to let him parse his own emotions, to give him space and she still wasn't sure where space ended and abandonment began with him. Dawson was concerned with making sure he knew she was present. That she was here for him.

"Look. I have a shit record with relationships but I have never ever set out to hurt anyone. Did I hurt you in some way? Is that why you were crying? Did you want to stop? You just fucking fell apart and _didn't say anything…_ "

"No! Oh my god Sev no"

Dawson slid to the floor between Sev's knees her hands braced on each cheek as his arms snarled around her waist, holding her tight. His face had crumpled into an embarrassed wreck she'd never seen. It shook her. Her big strong guy looked absolutely devastated at the idea he'd injured her. He'd bottled it up and pretended he was fine. Gone about being classic Severide while inside he'd been flailing just as much if not more than she was. Why the fuck couldn't they get past this hurdle? She kissed him until he leaned into her with a groan his hands fumbling under her shirt for skin to skin contact, Dawson pulled back slowly.

"I told you I was yours remember?" Her lips hovered over his. She listened to him gasp for air. "We never even talked about being exclusive. We just went with it and then I told you I was yours and you… didn't say it back."

He'd said _mine_ to be precise and then fucked her like the stallion he was and she'd lost herself under his expert touch. To the way he'd spread her wide open and vulnerable and all her pent up emotion had released itself in a volley of tears. It was the moment she realized how far she had fallen in love with him and he'd accused her of not believing in them just three hours earlier. It should have felt amazing to be be so hyper-aware of how much she loved him. But he'd devastated her mind and then her body and it had all left her shaking with the intensity of everything she knew to be true in that moment.

"So I did hurt you. Fucking A…"

Dawson yelped as Sev dragged her into his lap. Her thighs straddled his hips while his left hand was braced against the small of her back, the fingers of his right hand tracing her lips.

"I'm sorry baby. I'm really sorry. "

"You said it eventually."

"Two fucking days ago!"

Sev could be sweet. Dawson knew this. He hugged and kissed her often. Was always physically touching her if at all possible anytime they were within three feet of each other. He often did it in his brusque, possessive way but right now he was tender. It didn't shock her but it did overwhelm which wouldn't make sense to anyone outside of their equation. Their jobs made them tough, a little coarse around the edges at times, but her beautiful man's callused hands were tracing all over her body like she was glass. Like she was the pretty crystal vase you put on a high shelf to collect dust and look at but shouldn't really ever touch. For once she liked it and wanted to curl up in his arms but,

"What brought this on? What was last night about?"

"I spoke to Antonio…" he muttered reluctantly.

Dawson jerked upright in Sev's embrace. She did not just hear that. She did not just hear,

"You went to _my brother?_ Instead of talking to me?!"

"You shut down!"

"Pot meet kettle." Dawson retorted.

She could see the moment where Sev realized he was well and truly caught in his own defense, more annoyed than anything. Their similarities were also their constant and consistent failures. And just like that they went from sweet and tender to indignant and bickering. Dawson braced her hands on Sev's neck. She stared straight into his beautiful blue eyes, her hands insistent at his pulse.

"What did Tonto say?"

"Bri."

"What. Did. He. Say."

She watched while Sev hesitated. Probably hamstrung by some kind of bro code or downright actual shame because it somehow made him look weak. She waited. She was good at waiting him out and Sev looked genuinely upset to even be having the conversation. Which made sense because she had cried that night. A lot. To her chagrin. However now as she asked him to tell her exactly what happened, Sev's whole posture was a long squirming line of _but I made you cry so I deserved it_. It being whatever her brother said to Sev that made him the silent, possessed demon who showed up at her door last night. Dawson had finally had it. She'd been done days ago when she ripped into Shay and long before then.

She was not a weepy and insecure person. She felt things deeply but not widely. She did not give her time and energy to just anyone and she was as done with Severide's walls as she was with her own. Forget embarrassment or pain. The sheer ineptitude of their actions as a couple would drive her mad if she didn't do something. She'd been letting things slide, saying things were okay when they were most definitely not okay. She was loving this idiot with her whole self and scared he didn't feel the same way. And here he was afraid to ask her why she'd been crying two whole months ago. Enough was enough.

Reckless impetuous Dawson glared at her boyfriend where fragile soft-hearted Dawson had been hedging for weeks. She disentangled herself from Severide because she needed all her brain cells to articulate what she wanted to say next. She was annoyed and frustrated and fed up but she was not going to do this half-assed. Time to rip off a couple of bandaids and let some wounds heal out in the open and on their own.

"Fine. I'll tell you what Casey said to me then."

She watched Sev's nostrils flare and his eyes go wide. He moved to stand and she raised her hand against him. Dawson pointed her finger at the cot and Sev eased back onto it, visibly upset with her mention of Casey. Too. Damn. Bad. She couldn't help her past anymore than he could his and she'd flat out said she trusted him.

"You didn't want to talk so now you're going to listen. I was sincere when I said we had things to discuss."

Her palms were sweating and she chose to stand because, well, it seemed better to have the high ground when your lover was a 6 foot hunk of gorgeous whose very presence tended to short circuit your basic brain function. She was nervous and didn't know any way to ease into this even if she was a little angry.

"Casey said he loved me. That he's always loved me. That he's wanted to kiss me every morning of every shift and every day in between since the day we met. That he's heartbroken. And also still messed up about Voight. About me and Voight. How Voight crushed his faith in the basic decency of public servants. How he feels guilty because he doesn't miss Hallie at all but she was safe and sweet and good and he wanted to be good. Do good. He told me he was afraid he wouldn't live up to all my fantasies and expectations. That i'd think he was boring and too much of a damn boy scout and how he wants to be normal"

She watched while Severide went more and more rigid on the cot. His whole posture a work of Greek statuesque, jaw square and hard as his fists tightened in the sheets underneath him. But Dawson couldn't stop. She needed her own doors to be wide open. For everything to be visible and known even if it hurt because she was not a small and timid person. She could not allow her doubts to keep her quiet anymore.

"Casey told me _everything_ "

She didn't mean it as a taunt and she hadn't always been completely forthright but she was doing it now and she hoped he could meet her halfway. She was going to say every little thing she'd hidden and let him handle it however he could.

"And yes, I love him. A part of me is always going to love him. Just like you gave pieces of yourself to Renee Whaley and Royce. My God Sev. You've been engaged and nearly left the country! No one has ever loved me like that! I'm the girl the guy _thinks_ he wants but doesn't try. I'm never good enough! Just the intense chick starring in lewd bedroom fantasies. Did you hear me Sev? Casey said he loves me!"

Dawson's chest was heaving and she was probably yelling a little, spinning her way up through anxiety because Casey was the only reason there were boxing tryouts. He was why Antonio hovered and also why she was so certain she'd follow Sev wherever he went. Casey was both the catalyst and the cancer, eating at their relationship from the inside out. And Dawson watched Severide retreat into his mask as she spoke, so she kept on talking, saying it all. Saying it whole and true and terrifying.

"I know what you're thinking. Don't forget I fucking see you." and she did. For better or worse, Sev's flaws were of a known and quantifiable quality. She couldn't fix Sev because to her there was nothing to fix.

"You're thinking Casey is manipulating me and I'm falling for it. You're thinking this is all one big buildup to some sort of insult or ultimatum where I manipulate you and we start on another round of fights about the one thing we both know to be obvious. Yeah! I have loved Casey! But Sev…"

Dawson heard her voice crack and swallowed briefly while she shook her head furiously. This was not the moment to be weak and Severide was so quiet and stoic and staring up at her. She leaned back on the door, her hand clutched over the doorknob to keep her upright while she slapped her chest with her other palm.

"I don't want perfect and I don't want to be perfect! I don't understand his concept of normal and I can't love a fantasy anyway. I'm falling in love with you. I've been falling in love with you since you fell out a third floor window and it _broke_ me. The second time I cried was actually on the floor of your hospital room. A nurse had to pick me up. I was hysterical. I was mortified. You make me feel so damn fucking much I spent half my days with my heart ripped from my chest for months after. Some days I still do. You make an emergency tracheotomy on a five year old feel like a calm and downright peaceful event. I am falling for you and I keep falling and I'm petrified and I love you."

Sev didn't say a word while Dawson caught her breath for a second.

"We need to talk to each other. Our relationship is about us. Not Shay or Casey or my brother. Us."

She scrutinized him carefully, half terrified but too flushed with nerves to show it. She'd probably fucked it all up. She should have-

 _Firehouse 51. Truck 81. Ambulance 61. Three alarm Structural Fire. 1057 N. Western Avenue Squad 3 Standby_

She turned to leave without a second glance. It wasn't cowardice. It was her job and there was nothing left to say if he didn't have anything to say back. She hadn't told him that she never reciprocated Casey's declaration of love. The answer should have been obvious given her speech but knowing her knucklehead brother and how smooth he was with words, Sev was going to stew for awhile longer. If last night's bedsport was any indication, Antonio had spun gold plated bullion out of some bullshit and had a tongue lashing coming his way. She finally glanced down at her phone to read the text she'd ignored after bumping into Casey. Antonio. She fired off an angry stream of emojis before running for the ambo. Big brother wasn't ready for her.

On one level she felt free. Calm. She'd said her piece. She was falling in love with Kelly Severide. She loved him. She had told him. He could run for the hills and everything could go on as it always had at 51. Except she'd be pining for a different lieutenant altogether. She'd come clean about Casey trying to reconnect with her when she hadn't told anyone else not even Shay. It made Dawson smile more than she strictly should be doing on the way to a fire as she bounced into the cab of Ambulance 61. Shay noticed almost immediately.

"What happened?"

"I told Kelly I was falling in love with him"

Dawson smothered a laugh as Shay had to course correct quickly turning on to US 50 southbound behind Truck 81.

"What did he say?"

"Job came in. No time."

"Dawson!" Shay's voice sounded strangled. "You can't just-"

"What? Tell him how I've been feeling for months? Too late. Ball's in his court now"

"No I mean...Dawson I think the only other woman who ever said that to Kelly was Whaley and you know how that ended. What exactly did you say?"

Dawson went to reply and then stopped. She refused to overthink this. She'd been vacillating for too damn long to let Shay steal her relief. The impulse to doubt herself was almost automatic. A product of her behaviour around Casey, and why was Shay always feeding that part of her now? It made her want to question everything and every decision. Dawson turned to look out through the windshield.

"Nothing you need to hear. Come on catch up. 81 is going to blow that red light."

ʘ

The fire was in West Town and worse than previously thought. A power substation had caught fire and knocked out power to the surrounding neighbourhoods. The fire still wasn't contained and Truck was not equipped to handle forcible entry in a building with downed electrical wires. Water was the worst idea imaginable. An explosion was imminent. It was late summer and still light out but the firefighters were fucked when the sun went down. If there was even time. It was a race against the clock as Truck 81 stopped behind Chief Boden's rig. Chief was yelling into his radio for backup.

Shay parked the ambulance on the opposite side of the street. Triage area hadn't been designated as yet but there wasn't a lot of room. N. Western avenue was a two lane street boxed in on both sides by one way traffic. A truly residential neighbourhood, the substation building stood out amongst all the one storey houses and shops surrounding it on all sides. Building workers were still streaming out of the low-rise building. It was all brick and ten floors and-

"Chief where do you need us?" Dawson asked into her radio.

 _"South corner. Engineer was knocked unconscious but is coming around. His head is bleeding"_

Dawson and Shay found the man delirious and panicked on a bench outside the 24 hour laundromat across from the substation.

"Are all the men out?"

Shay concentrated on calming the man down while Dawson swabbed his head where blood was leaking profusely. The laceration was deep and looked ugly.

"Sir? What's your name?"

He ignored the question, his eyes wide and staring at the building that was burning rapidly at Shay and Dawson's backs.

"I'm the utility rep. Your guys need different equip for this fire" the man was stammering. Weak and coughing but determined to explain how the fire needed to be handled.

"What kind of perimeter do we need to setup?" Dawson asked gently.

"Nothing. The plans-"

He coughed spasmodically and Shay held him upright, palm resting on his spine until the coughing fit subsided. She shared a glance with Dawson full of indecision and foreboding. The fire billowed behind them. All black smoke and no flames. A bad sign as the summer heat had her shirt sticking to her back, anxiety and adrenaline coursing through her veins.

"Okay. Sir. Can you tell me your name? We-"

Sound caved under the weight of explosion.

A vacuum pulsed out in all directions, taking speech and light. Everyone flung backwards.

Shay heard the squawk of her radio as though through a long long tunnel. Boden's voice tinny and scratching at her ears as she tried to blink. As she tried to make sense of her surroundings. The world had gotten that much darker in minutes. She was covered in dust, coughing. Smoke was all around her. Shay struggled to sit up. She was half lying on top of the toppled bench. She was half-lying on top of the man, the engineer, who was no longer babbling, his head cracked open even more red on the pavement than grey dust, eyes listless.

 _Roll Call! Ambulance 61! Do you read me?_

Protocol is supposed to save you in times of shock. Shay scrambled off of the body. Eyes searching out. Everything hurt but everything felt intact. Her eyes watered. She could barely see her hand in front of her face. She reached around the prone, bleeding body in each direction and found nothing.

 _Ambulance 61. What is your status and disposition?_

Shay reached for her radio. Coughed. Eyes streaming and stinging from the smoke.

"I've lost visual on Dawson."

ʘ

More than twenty minutes after the explosion, Squad 3 was called in as backup. The fire was spreading. Squad 1 was inbound but having difficulty with downtown afternoon traffic. The team was warned to proceed with caution. The perimeter was small and PD was on site trying to coordinate the residents and keep them calm as the sun went down. Chicago got a little lawless after dark in summer at the best of times. A blackout would make things worse.

Severide reminded his team of these facts as they strapped in for the ride to West Town. To his mind it was still Ukranian Village, filled with Catholic churches his mother used to drag him around to visit. She was insatiably curious about how other cultures celebrated the same God and hoped to instil that in him. Clearly, it had not worked though he thumbed the medallion around his neck thoughtfully. Saint Florian. Patron saint of firefighters. His good luck charm. Capp was driving and Tony was making some joke he couldn't hear but Severide's thoughts were pacing in a small concentric cycle, even as he prepared for another rush headlong into the flames. _D loves me. Casey loves D. And I…_

He'd been working his way up to it. He knew this. Had been knowing it as cautiously and as quietly as only he could after heartbreak upon heartbreak. Severide loved Bri. He didn't say it for a variety of reasons none of which made sense at the moment. Casey had beaten him to the punch. Had been vulnerable and flawed and he resented the fuck out of his colleague for distracting his girl. He was her favourite place to be. He held onto that. Cherished it just as much if not more than how she could see through and into the messiest parts of him and still come up for air with a smile.

Of course she had to babble it. This was Bri. He remembered fondly the early days. Her anxiety and disbelief that he wanted her, that he genuinely wanted to be with her. How she spoke in muttered circles between Spanish and English while he'd watch. Bri who was pissed at him for not explaining what her brother had said. It went beyond pride and he wasn't sure how to articulate that to her. He didn't have a baby sister to coddle and worry about but he understood Antonio's damage with him. Anything that hurt Bri was immediately on his shit list too. Unfortunately, that meant himself just now.

Dispatch had said they were having difficulty hailing all emergency personnel on scene. Severide tried to radio through to Battalion 25, Truck 81 and Ambulance 61 in that order. He wasn't worried just yet. It would be chaotic after an explosion. The scene would need to be contained. Panic would have occurred. It was a neighbourhood like any other. Families worried since they had no power. He glanced out at the setting sun. The air was already getting cooler as night fell.

"Squad 3 to Battalion 25. Do you read me? Copy."

 _Battalion 25 to Squad 3. ETA?_

Boden sounded exhausted. That didn't bode well for what Squad 3 would find on scene. He knew that more medics and ambulances were also en route. That triage was going to be a mess for Shay and Bri. That the brass would send someone down to bigwig over the entire thing. All in a day's work when the cameras showed up. If they showed up. No power meant no way to support an extended newsfeed…

He stopped thinking about it when Capp drove up through the preliminary perimeter. Beat cops waved them through and he got a first look at what Squad was working with. Brick building, debris everywhere. Whole red bricks scattered on the scene as Capp picked his way through the damage. He didn't want to think about the casualty report. It was going to be a long arduous night making sure the fire was fully out. Then seeing if power could be restored. The latter wasn't part of his job but Severide's heart went out to the neighbourhoods affected. It hadn't occurred to him to check and see if his and Shay's apartment complex was affected. He had no idea how widespread the blackout was. He radioed in to Boden for instruction and he and his team fanned out accordingly. The substation fire suppression system had failed, hence the fire and large scale explosion. Boden had declared the building unfit for entry and he was relieved. They'd burn it out slow and controlled from here on out. Smoke was dense and hazardous around the building and he advised his men to use breathing apparatus as they slowly examined the building perimeter for flames. It didn't look like the fire had jumped but it had. Smaller fires had started in the laundromat across the street which was a cornucopia of chemicals, and two family homes. The wind was working in their favour for the moment: there was none. The air hot and stagnant as it choked in his lungs. Flood lights were being set up so emergency personnel could see what was going on. Dusk had come and gone before Severide could confirm that the fire was confined to its primary location.

It was only then that he went looking for triage and Dawson. Troubled that he hadn't heard from her or Shay, he finally strode over to Boden, leaning on the side of his truck with a disgruntled scowl at the sky.

"Chief." he handed his superior a water bottle and drank thirstily from his own.

"Lieutenant" Boden responded with a gesture of thanks.

"Where's 61 on site?"

"They aren't."

"What?"

Severide gave Boden his full attention as the other man sipped water, his face stern, the bearer of bad news as Severide's stomach gave out.

"The blast caught them-"

"What?!"

"Severide. They were taken to Lakeshore very much alive. Shay was-"

Boden stepped close as he grabbed Severide by his upper arm. His lieutenant was turning around to run off headlong, in full turnout gear and as Chief he couldn't have it.

"Listen to me! There is nothing you can do right now. We need to stay here until relief shows up. This fire and this neighbourhood are your priority right now. The job comes first."

Always. The job came first always. Severide knew this. Had practiced this with difficulty when he wanted to hound his colleagues on every call while he was out on short term disability. He fixed Boden with a scowl.

"What happened when it was me? Did you wait?"

"Kelly…"

The switch to informal was unfair but Severide saw that it hurt Chief to tell him no. That he had to wait. He was the only senior officer on site, two trucks and one ladder were reporting to him, as well as Squad 3. Help was on the way, slower than any miracle.

"Just wait! We'll all go. Emergency personnel is overwhelmed as it is. Minor injuries were taken to Norwegian American four blocks west. They still don't have a full headcount on building staff to inform loved ones. Kelly! Wait!"

Severide blinked and pierced Boden with his steady gaze, his whole body turned towards his supervisor.

"You just said minor injuries were taken to Norwegian American but Shay and Dawson went to Lakeshore."

Boden went still for a moment. Then he sighed and shook his head at his own mistake. He was supposed to be setting an example in following protocol. You did not distract team members with information that did not help the immediate situation. You did not rely on conjecture when facts were paramount. Around them, the light of the fire and the smoke was enough to prove how dangerous the situation still was. In the distance sirens wailed closer and closer. Kelly slowly pulled out of Boden's grasp.

"Did they go in their own ambo? Is it still here?

An unnatural quiet settled. Each man stared at the other. Sirens and radio chatter squawked in the space held taut between their bodies. Who would flinch first?

"Tell Capp he's taking point on Squad".

It was all Severide needed to hear. When Boden glanced back his squad lieutenant had already disappeared.

Severide wasn't a runner like Bri. He barely remembered bolting out of the perimeter and flagging down a cab with his helmet. He must have looked a strange sight: a firefighter running _away_ from the fire. But when he charged through the Lakeshore ER doors and flagged down yet another person, a quiet nurse who'd taken one look at his gear and just known, he felt like he'd run a marathon. His breath was choked in his lungs as she led him through the loud maze of beds and squabbling nurse stations. She didn't give him an update on Shay and Dawson's conditions. Protocol she murmured softly. Unless he was an emergency contact..

"Yes! Leslie Shay. I'm her contact"

It wasn't much but it was enough to calm him down on one front. Shay was okay. Banged up but conscious and stable. They were monitoring for pulmonary injury following blast exposure. Standard. So he was quiet when he walked into the room that Shay and Dawson were sharing. Shay was sitting up and looked bored. She broke out into a smile when Severide walked in. He walked over and kissed her cheek. Allowed her to reassure him that she was fine when he sank into the chair next to her bed and let the nurse leave before he began to ask what happened. One glance at the other bed showed him Dawson was asleep. Shay filled him in without prompting.

"Dawson's got a perforated eardrum. Tinnitus. Completely disoriented. Definite concussion. She was trying to bandage her own head when I finally found her. I couldn't see anything after the explosion. Not at first."

Severide let her talk until she started to yawn. Then he tucked her in and promised to bring her some clothes and be just as good as she was when he was in the hospital. It made him laugh a little when she drifted off quickly and started to snore. Severide glanced over at the other bed, his throat dry. He got up and rounded the footboard of Shay's cot before he could really look at his girl. He was surprised he'd showed such restraint but Shay was still family and he didn't abandon family. Especially after she'd been so forlorn about how hard it was to not be the centre of his world.

Because she wasn't. He felt his heart do triple time as he looked down at Dawson. The whole right side of her face was bruised. Her head bandaged, her right ear covered in gauze. A nasal cannula was giving her oxygen. Without even thinking about it he toed off his big steel boots. His turnout coat and pants slipped to the floor at her bedside. He put his helmet on the little table. His hands clenched and released their fists. It was better than shaking. He smelled of smoke. Was covered in ash. She looked so fragile and small and far too quiet. He shouldn't do it but he had to be close. Couldn't bear to not be next to her. He had to hear her breathing. Had to know she was actually really alive in her pale bruised shell. Severide crouched beside the bed for a moment. Hesitant. His fingers tentative when he touched the back of her hand. He was not a small man but he hunched in as he lay down on top of the sheets, careful not to jolt her. Careful to arrange one arm around the top of her pillow, he leaned in to breathe along her forehead and kiss it gently over the bandage. Two fingers of her left hand were in a splint. Severide, slow and soft, picked that hand up and kissed it before placing it on her stomach where he could trace patterns on the back.

He was operating on autopilot. On instinct. Protocol is supposed to prepare you for shock. It gives you guidelines and procedures to follow but all at once he began to tremble. He couldn't check in with Bri. He couldn't examine her from head to toe without hurting her and he'd been hurting her for months. She couldn't say that she was fine. He tried to control it but tremors stole over his limbs and he struggled to breathe as he curled up beside her.

"I love you"

It was only a whisper. Tears were leaking down onto the flat hospital pillow, his head propped up as close as he dared to her face. Because Bri might be falling in love but the feeling he'd had from day one in her kitchen loomed large and bright inside him. Inescapable. He would give anything to her. Anything and everything. Bri forced him to use his words. It wasn't often. He didn't think she was trying to change him but when it mattered: there he was. Again and again "I love you" a chant chasing away the scar tissue calcified in long dark veins over his heart. His mouth an endless sob repeating it like prayer until finally exhaustion pulled him to better dreams.

* * *

 _Soooooo. ::hides::_


	36. Chapter 36

**AN: Look. Some of these characters are really really stubborn. They don't like talking. They have a hard time being vulnerable when they DAMN WELL SHOULD BE. And I sit at a laptop trying to force them into a corner but then they slip sideways. And sulk. And want to be all cute and scared while I try to corral them into an action that makes total sense to the rest of us. Staying true to the personalities and character traits of some of these people is no fun. You want them to do this gesture in one particular way and end up backtracking and losing way too much time fixing it the way you want it but isn't the way the character would do this at all.  
**

 **I'm being vague but dammit to hell the men of 51 are stupid sometimes. Read on. Not mine. Dick Wolf et al. Penultimate chapter most likely unless someone goes way off course next chapter _again_.**

* * *

Antonio was sitting at his desk in Vice when the power flickered out for five long minutes before the emergency generator kicked on and the room quieted after its brief, loud, groan of annoyance. No one blinked at the power outage. Summer was a season of brownouts and excessive power usage. Everyone shifted back to their work. It was some time later, the Pit humming with everyday activity, before he found out about the large swaths of Chicago without power west of Interstate 90. Patrol officers from District 21 were heading out to keep the peace. It was another fifteen minutes before he got word about the electrical substation in flames near Humboldt Park. That got upgraded to explosion and suddenly more cops were scrambling out the precinct doors into twilight. Into the worst time of day for no power: darkness and all the nefarious deeds it tends to hide.

It was hours before he got the call that Gabi was at Lakeshore with a moderate concussion, post-traumatic amnesia, a perforated eardrum. He hung up before the nurse could complete the list and was a demonstrably bad detective when he failed to check in with his supervisor about his unscheduled departure. He couldn't care less. It was Gabi. His pain in the ass little sister was in the hospital and he was wondering who the fuck to call first. The last text she'd sent was a long chain of expletives and angry emojis. There was only one reason she would have done that. Severide.

His thoughts lingered briefly on the firefighter. Antonio was loathe to admit feeling a bit guilty. The man had looked proper stunned by the end of his lecture. Quiet. Decidedly unplayerlike as Antonio vented about white boys and stereotypes and how his sister was a real live human being not a fuck doll and maybe _he should try celibacy for awhile._ The vice detective winced a grimace at his own harsh words. He was drunk and very very angry at Severide when he said it. The squad lieutenant insisted he would make any amends to Gabi she needed… once he found out what had set her off. The guy had seemed sincere. Contrite even, given the massive favour Antonio had pulled, helping to set up the boxing tryouts competition between CFD and CPD. It had been enough to calm him down. He was willing to give Severide the benefit of the doubt just this once.

Antonio's doubt disappeared when he found the cocky bastard asleep next to his sister, his massive frame curled around her on a twin-sized cot, all of his gear scattered across the hospital floor. Antonio stopped short at the sight, a little nonplussed despite all the obvious previous evidence of Severide's devotion to Gabi. How he was always sitting up at the bar in Molly's, plotting to leave Firehouse 51 to Boden's dismay...

"Oh dear"

The nurse beside Antonio sighed. She'd escorted him quickly and quietly to Gabi's room but they both seemed at a loss in the current situation. "Should I wake him detective?"

"Absolutely not. That man came here from an active fire. Jesus…"

The detective scrubbed a hand over his face. More than anything Antonio wanted to sit in the chair next to Gabi's bed and make sure she was okay but Severide got there first. Had treated the hospital room like the locker room of 51, gear everywhere as he stripped enough to lie down next to his baby sister. The man showed up. Literally. He felt like a voyeur just standing there watching them. He knew Gabi had been stressed out with all the drama between Casey and Severide. Had worked hard to fix things in that very Gabi way of hers. This was the first time he'd seen her quiet in a long time. The first time he'd seen her quiet with a man who professed to care for her… and obviously did if the tear tracks he spied on Severide's cheeks were any indication. _Shit_. This was a private moment. With gentle hands, Antonio turned the nurse towards the door, a smile stretching his lips to ease her protest about hospital rules and cleanliness. All the while all he could think was Severide might be worse than Gabi about a loved one's injuries. Downright insufferable even. Antonio cracked the smallest smile at the thought of his sister on the receiving end of an overbearing, overprotective and hovering presence. He looked forward to the fireworks.

ʘ

Severide came awake slowly. He registered where he was before his eyes had even adjusted to the dim light. His gaze focused in on the only thing that mattered. Bri was still sleeping, and the vise grip of terror had not left his chest yet. His baby was a bruised, quiet, incoherent shell. More silent and still than she'd ever been in any bed they shared, hogging his covers, snuggling deep into his embrace with the smell of her shampoo less than three inches from his mouth. He could no longer pretend at a cavalier attitude with Bri. In fact, he'd never had one but the woman he loved most was so completely unaware of his devotion and had nearly died. _Again_. Shit got very very clear. He tucked in close, his mouth millimeters from her own. He felt the puff of her breath against his mouth and he licked his own cracked lips in response.

"I love you," he whispered against lips he wanted to be yelling Spanish curses at him. Anything was better than the quiet. "Please be okay…"

He couldn't stay in the bed. Severide wasn't sure how long he had slept but his hip ached and his tibia throbbed. All irrational need for closeness aside, he was filthy and too big and it was a wonder no one had come in and dragged him away from Bri yet. He kissed her lips softly and a soft sound of discomfort rumbled past Bri's lips. Severide waited for one long moment. Hoping she would wake up. She didn't and he sighed before slowly, carefully, extricating himself from the cot. Severide tried to stifle a groan but didn't succeed as his back cracked loudly.

"That sounded painful"

Severide quickly glanced over to the other bed. Shay was awake. She looked better. More sleepy than exhausted. He didn't respond as he gingerly went to put his shoes back on. He was hoping she hadn't heard his declaration to Bri. He found himself praying she hadn't. Bri deserved to hear it first. Deserved to know it and when and how he'd fallen for her before any of the people who had stood in their way for so long he had begun to distrust his taste in friends.

"I think it may be 4am. Another couple hours before doctors start doing rounds and kick visitors out" Shay ventured gently.

Severide grunted. He picked up his turnout gear and wandered over to the bathroom. He felt Shay's eyes on him as he hung the coat on one of the door hooks, the silence between them loud enough to echo. To range out over the space he put between their bodies, his hands trembling as he pretended to adjust the coat on the hook.

"I'm sorry Kel. I'm really fucking sorry this happened. She told me. Dawson said-"

"No. I don't want to hear it. I can't."

Severide finally turned to his best friend, his roommate. The woman he'd almost had a child with, a blue-eyed pixie he'd actually imagined in his weaker moments. His whole entire family was there in that hospital room and he was beyond spent. He crossed to Shay's side and collapsed in a plastic chair, her eyes wide and wet staring at him.

"I was jealous okay? It took Angie and I breaking up for me to realize it but this whole time I guess I wanted Dawson and I have really screwed all of us up with my bullshit but I'm sorry and she lo-"

"Stop talking Shay. It's been a long night. You're injured. I'm tired. This is too much. Way too much right now."

"But do you forgive me?"

"You called me a coward."

It took another hour of bickering back and forth before the two friends finally reached a detente they could live with. Severide was still annoyed and hurt, his mistrust of Shay's intentions obvious in his brilliant blue eyes. He wasn't leaving her. He was adamant about that. However, she needed to work on her codependency issues. That he was mature enough to call them that surprised Shay and earned her a scowl. Shay for her part was earnest and eager to make amends. It would take time. Time both friends were grateful to have in the midst of an explosion and blackout. Didn't make either of them complete pushovers as Severide intimated when Shay brought up her opinion on his departure from Firehouse 51.

He finally stepped out of the hospital room so drained he didn't notice Antonio immediately. The detective bounced up from his chair in the waiting area beyond the nursing station and strode over with the carefully restrained air of a relative left too long without news. Which was entirely too accurate, and Severide had nothing to offer beyond Shay's original diagnosis. He felt awkward and ashamed as Antonio lit into him with questions he couldn't answer.

"Doctors will be around in another hour to give an update. I think. You should sit with her."

It was all he could offer, embarrassed to have kept Bri's brother from her bedside with his selfish need to touch her. He hadn't known Antonio would be in the waiting room but of course he would be. The siblings were close. And even if Severide had no reference point for sibling loyalty, he grasped the concept. It had been nearly twelve hours since the explosion. Probably more. The city was still scrambling and they were exceedingly lucky that Lakeshore was east of the power grid blackout. He was standing in a hospital hallway with one of the most important men in Bri's life. There was no question of Antonio being there and none for him either. He didn't say it and Antonio didn't need to ask when his presence said enough. Antonio slapped Severide on the back and moved past him without another word. Severide held the shorter man back with a hand on his forearm.

"You should know I'm going to take care of her."

Severide didn't say _always_ but his face must have implied it because Antonio's frown became a full-fledged grin, a laugh even, as Severide tried not to feel insulted. He didn't know Antonio well but still…

"You poor bastard. Good luck with her"

He watched Antonio walk into Bri's room irritated by the detective's casual dismissal before he realized what Antonio meant. Bri had a temper. One that rivaled his own when she couldn't get what she wanted. Instead of dread or trepidation a sense of relief shifted through Severide. That probably passed for a blessing from Antonio and he would take it for all it was worth. A small smile creased his face then as he headed toward the cafeteria and some much needed coffee.

ʘ

It started with murmurs. She couldn't quite hear anything and her eyes hurt from a throbbing headache. She squeezed them tight. Everything was too much and too close. Dawson felt reluctant to try. A rarity for the tenacious paramedic. She tried to stretch and a deep pained moan echoed out of her chest. Her limbs protested the attempt. Behind her closed eyelids she tried to process what had happened. There were gaps. Long fuzzy gaps in time where nothing poured in when she reached for a memory. The loudest, clearest thing was the view out the front windshield of the ambo on her way to a call. It could be any day. Shay was driving. And frowning. Dawson scrunched her nose and tried to think around the mental block pulling her away from her thoughts. It was getting louder. Warmer…

"Gabi?"

Her eyes fluttered open. Dawson stared up into her brother's familiar face. He looked worried which was a funny change from their norm. Antonio didn't hover but she could smell his cologne. He was so close she could smell the coffee on his breath and her nose scrunched again in disgust even as her eyes watered with each facial movement.

"How bad?" she croaked.

"Doc said you'd be an inpatient overnight for continued observation. Walking wounded for at least a month. You broke a couple fingers. Do you remember what happened?"

Dawson glared at her brother as she struggled to sit up.

"I can barely hear you. Would I be asking you if I did?" her voice rasped in her own ears, an uncomfortably coarse sound.

She swallowed to ease her dry throat. Antonio propped pillows behind her head as Dawson grimaced. She couldn't use her left hand for leverage but leaning back on her right arm wasn't much better. Her right hand touched the side of her face gingerly. It was tender and warm and…

"Don't touch it!"

"Ow. Antonio…" Dawson hissed, the throbbing headache had the tempo of her pulse. It echoed in her skull with an acutely muscular sensation. Her scalp and hair felt tight on the surface of her skin. She couldn't hear well but being loud didn't help with everything else that hurt. "How bad?"

"You'll be out by tomorrow evening on disability Dawson."

Dawson turned her head slowly. Shay. She was perfectly upright and eating jello in her own hospital bed. Her face was unmarred by any of the ugliness that mottled Dawson's own skin. She didn't need to see it to know it was there. She hurt everywhere.

"Stats?" Dawson whispered hoarsely. She made sure to be looking at Shay's lips just in case she didn't catch every word.

"Concussion. Perforated eardrum. Broken fingers. Cracked ribs. Not sure what else."

Dawson processed that information slowly as pieces of time puzzled themselves together in her brain. The effort drained her. She was finally sitting up and Antonio tried to press a cup of water to her lips. She batted his hand away lethargically. One memory resolved itself behind her eyes.

"The engineer?" Dawson hesitated to ask and by the look on Shay's face she didn't want the answer. The jello was set down on the little table tray as Shay swallowed. The blonde paramedic went to speak but Antonio cut in quickly.

"How bout you concentrate on getting better? Mom is threatening to visit"

"You called her?! _Tonto_. No one else runs to mama faster than you!"

She had the distinct pleasure of seeing her brother look chagrined at her accusation. She sure as shit hadn't called their mother when he got shot. Not right away. She'd panicked and scrambled and bullied nurses into giving her updates but her mother was nowhere near Antonio until nearly a day later. She was still getting lectures about that decision. Her indignant retorts of _what could you possibly have done besides worried?_ were dismissed out of hand.

Dawson wanted to close her eyes and fall asleep again but knew she shouldn't. At some point the doctor would come in and poke at her again. Make some superior pronouncement about her prognosis and recovery while she tried not to be irritated about feeling helpless. With a firm premed background she could make her own analysis and it didn't make her any happier. She was going to be off-shift for a month at least.

"What's the latest from the job. Clearly we didn't get the fire out before the explosion" she asked by way of distraction.

Dawson drifted in and out as Antonio told her what he'd heard. Slowly but surely she was filing thoughts away into their respective corners. Picking them up from where they had shattered in the explosion and remembering. Shay helped intermittently then stopped when she dozed off. It didn't matter what anyone said to Dawson just then. Only that it was normal, the background chatter she'd heard on a daily basis and was accustomed to ignoring.

"Power's still out?" she murmured.

"Yeah PD has their hands full. No traffic lights. Looters during the night."

"Hrmm." Dawson glanced at the table next to her bed and did a double take. She recognized that helmet. Her eyes were wide, her pulse rapid as she turned back to her brother.

"Where's Severide?"

ʘ

While a weak but stubborn Dawson was pestering her brother, Severide was pacing back and forth, eyes bloodshot as he waited for Antonio to exit the room. It was mid-morning now. The doctors had done their rounds but Antonio hadn't left the room to give any updates. Asshole. Severide had snuck in some jello to Shay when she woke up but while Antonio sat next to Bri, he'd slid out the door sideways anguished and curiously avoidant. He wanted Dawson to have privacy with her family. He wanted a lot of things. Or so it seemed. He wondered how difficult it would be to convince her to let him stay at her place to take care of her while she recovered...

When Casey came striding around the hallway corner at the head of a phalanx of Firehouse 51 brethren, his immediate reaction was _No fucking way_. He wanted nothing more than Casey's absence in that moment. So much so he raised his hand to keep the man he'd called friend back and away from her hospital room.

"Casey. Stay out. Her brother's in there."

"Like hell I will. She's my-"

"No." Severide recognized his voice sounded like ice. He didn't care. His hands were braced in front of Casey's shoulders without touching him. He didn't think it'd be wise to touch him just yet. And 51 was frozen around their two lieutenants, waiting to catch the fallout. Hermann hissed a whisper about being in a hospital that everyone ignored.

"You don't get to shut her out, confuse her then show up like nothing happened."

Casey had the decency to look contrite for about two seconds before he cleared his throat and glared at Severide all the same.

"I'm not the one who left an active job site like a fucking coward to-"

Severide shoved Casey up against the wall without thinking. That word was beginning to annoy him. He held onto his colleague by the lapels of his turncoat and leaned in, the snarl on his face as controlled as he could make it. Casey being Casey, looked like the cool customer of the two, the martyr to Severide's seething scapegoat. His hands up by his head in the classic _it wasn't me_ position. It just pissed Severide off more as the men tried to calm him down. There was nothing to calm down. His girlfriend was in a hospital bed and this jerk had done nothing but jerk her around.

"Listen to me you condescending twit. I won't pummel you here. I'm not getting kicked out cuz of you. Put up or shut the fuck up. You get one chance to beat the shit out of me at tryouts and we never discuss Dawson again. Ever. Understand? She's my priority. She is always going to be my priority. Not my fault you had your head up your ass for _years_."

Severide shoved off of Casey and resisted the urge to spit on the ground at his feet. It was a hospital after all but no one called him a coward. Not even Shay and Dawson had reamed her thoroughly for that accusation. He wasn't a doorway dancer. He was the exact opposite with everything but his heart and even that was probably inaccurate. He'd left that twisted pulpous mess in Dawson's hands months ago and never copped to it. Never accepted how deep he was in until the day she almost wasn't around to hear him say how much he loved her.

"Fine. What happens when I win?"

It took Severide a minute to register that Casey thought he had a chance of besting him in the ring before he chuckled. He thought about Dawson. How she'd looked in officers' quarters hours before. How earnest and wide open she'd been with him while her hands shook. How he was who she wanted. How she'd never been loved the way she thought he'd loved Whaley and Royce. Which was fucking absurd because they paled in comparison to the strength of his bond with her. How he'd dived right in without a shred of reluctance and coaxed her along the way. All of it. And she'd said the words first. How he'd needed her to say it first. She was better with words after all.

"Nothing happens Casey. You lost her eight months ago. We just stop fighting about it."

Casey went pale under the smudges of smoke on his cheek but said nothing. He nodded his agreement to the spar before staring at the hospital room door. Severide finally allowed Capp and Mills to pull the truck lieutenant away. One glance had Hermann leading Casey in the opposite direction of Dawson's door. Severide rattled off Shay and Dawson's latest medical stats to Mills when prodded. Then he collapsed into a squeaky plastic chair in the small waiting area, his back straight, even though he was exhausted, because these men had come from a fire he'd left. He made no apologies but got a recap from Capp all the same. How Boden was doing a postmortem for the brass before heading over. Their shift was done and tired though the men were, they'd stick around the hospital for Dawson.

"Severide? Hey. Kelly?"

He blinked and looked up. Antonio was gesturing him into the hospital room, his face as blank as he could make it. This didn't bode well to Severide's imagination and he glanced around at his colleagues, these men he trusted with his life. He patted Mills on the back, the younger man's face looked deeply troubled, before striding over to Antonio with a bob of his head.

"How is she?"

"Awake. Asking for you."

Severide was grateful in that moment that Antonio could play bodyguard. The detective was staring down Casey who had walked over as soon as the door opened. He was making it perfectly clear who was and was not welcome even if Severide and Antonio both knew the cop wasn't his biggest fan either. Severide didn't pause to say thank you. Abruptly, he maneuvered around Antonio and closed the door in his wake.

It should have been a small thing, Severide reasoned to himself, watching Dawson become Bri with the turn of her head and her smile. It wasn't. And he let the tears fall because he could. Because she was alive as he kneeled by her bed and kissed her broken hand. He looked up into her dark eyes, his lips still on her skin as she traced one finger through his hair. Bri was still here and he could see her while she saw into him and through all the anguish the last few hours had wreaked.

"I'm okay."

Severide snorted. He turned her hand over to kiss the palm, the pulse in her wrist, her elbow crease, up and up until his mouth ever so gently slotted against hers in a brief kiss. He watched her eyes flutter closed but couldn't do the same. He had to see her, to remind himself she was awake.

"Tell that to someone who doesn't know you."

"I'm alive."

"You have a major concussion. Bad as mine."

She didn't debate that point which was a relief. Bri's face turned thoughtful. Soft and quiet while he stroked her cheek and kissed her again and again gently. She sighed as she nibbled his bottom lip. She wanted more but Severide didn't give it. Instead he leaned over her on the bed, his arms bracketing her face, his medallion resting on her clavicle, his mouth on her nose and eyes and forehead. On each ear in turn, so gently she could barely feel it. He hoped it wasn't a complete tear in her eardrum. He hoped she didn't need surgery. Severide had no clue what her recovery time would look like. Her memory was going to be tested constantly like his was, and he refused to ask what she remembered. Knew from experience that there were some moments you just never got back. He knew what it was like to feel hollowed. He wouldn't ask if she remembered saying I love you.

"I'm gonna take this moment to step out and talk to the nurses about my discharge papers…" Shay declared loudly. They both ignored her. Severide stared at Bri greedily. Letting his eyes go anywhere and everywhere on her body while she let him, the quiet convalescent they both knew she was not.

He watched while she slid over in the bed to make room for him without thinking. Leaning on her left, less damaged side, she picked at the blanket, a scowl on her face. She was too weak to lift it, her face a mask of concealed pain. Severide had not forgotten about the bruised ribs but it seemed she had as he took hold of the plain cotton sheet. He toed off his steel boots. Carefully, he ranged out beside her again, knees bent so he didn't knock into her legs, and draped the blanket over both of them. They both glanced at her left hand, ring and pinkie finger in a splint as he eased his left palm against hers between their heads on the one flat pillow.

"You're here" she whispered.

"Yeah…"

Severide huddled closer. He could see the smattering of deep bruises all along her shoulder beneath the hospital gown. How they purpled her brown skin, blood escaping the veins and arteries to pool under her fragile epidermis. His eyes wandered over her. Finally, finally checking in with sight what he could not, should not touch just yet. "What clothes should I bring you?" he asked suddenly.

Bri blinked wildly. As though the thought hadn't even occurred to her. As though the idea of Severide bring her clothes was the farthest thing from her mind. He tried not to take it personally.

"I dunno. You decide. Am I staying with you?"

 _You decide._ Severide looked down at her small broken hand, the fingers locked into place, his callused hand holding it. This was his decision. She was in pain and starting to feel it and he wanted to pamper the hell out of his girl. His woman, the tough talking, punch throwing spitfire paramedic was his home. If he was her favourite place to be, then she was his home and he better start acting like it. She was trusting him in this moment, asking for help and he would rise to the challenge.

"No baby, I'm staying with you."

He kissed her nose and listened to her murmur happily. She opened her eyes real wide as she smiled, realising what he'd just said and visibly thrilled at his declaration. Severide smiled to see her enthusiasm. How her nose scrunched up as she tried to hide her pain through her joy. Could he do this? He had to do this.

"Hey Bri. Guess what." he whispered.

"What?"

"I love you."

Severide watched her face go slack with shock or disbelief, he didn't know. He didn't care. She was alive and unwell and his. _Thank God_. Then, slowly, she leaned forward. She brushed her lips over the back of his left hand and snuggled closer her eyes never leaving his. Her chin tucked into the pillow.

"I love you Kelly Patrick Severide"

"I love you more Bri," he croaked, his eyes wet, and smile shaky on his lips.

"Hmm. Impossible" She giggled when he leaned in to kiss her softly. Her front teeth tugged at his bottom lip and he groaned. She wasn't strong enough for all the ways he wanted to profess himself just then. He focused his gaze and concentrated on using words he hadn't said in a long time.

"Fact" he whispered, his words slipping directly into her mouth where he hovered. "I've loved you since the moment I decided to keep you."

He felt Bri pull her head back, the look on her face incredulous, all sleep chased away with his confession.

"What? Really?"

She was unconvinced and he couldn't blame her. They'd fought every step of the way about whether she was in this with him completely. Probably because he'd been all in from jump. No. Definitely because he'd been all the way in from jump while she loved Casey. Still did but the not same way. Her speech was still ringing in his ears. He hoped she remembered it.

He hadn't even let himself think love that first morning after. It was fast. Too fast. Crazy even. And he was good with crazy they both knew that but all he let himself think in the moment was he wanted her. So he'd reached out and she'd let go of her anxieties long enough to let him kiss her wild and screaming on the kitchen floor. The rest was now history. Their shared history. He let one hand graze over her hip, covered in a paper gown and cotton sheet. Instinctively he had known she wouldn't recognize his feelings for what they were. That it would take her time to get to where he'd always been. He'd been in this for the long haul from the get. For all his flaws and her indecision, he'd been in love with her for as long as he'd had her. Severide's heart went wild as he finally admitted to Bri what had been true for longer than his mind could fully grasp.

"Yeah baby. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. Anyone. I loved you that first morning. I just… damn it to fucking hell. I was breathless just looking at you. You. I'd seen you all the time, every shift for years. And I was just sitting in your fucking kitchen and you had these three damn freckles on your nose. Gorgeous. I didn't feel like I was falling. It felt like suddenly I had air and light and just… oh fuck I'm screwing this up. You're goddamn crying. Bri?!"

Severide reached in and held Bri's head gently with his left hand. She was sniffling, eyes streaming, ugly crying and trying to hide her face in the pillow, flinching with pain and embarrassment.

"You know me Bri. You know every bad part and you kissed me anyway. You took my hand and… I don't have words for the spectacular. But that's what you are. An absolute fucking miracle. I can't let go. I can't. You're home. Does that make any sense? Baby can you calm down for me? I don't want you to-"

"Shut up Sev! Oh my god. Home? I'm home?!"

He shushed her as he curved his body in and around her. Bri nuzzled into his neck and breathed in and out. In and out. Again and again while her uninjured right hand clutched his side. It was one of her curious habits but he let her because soon she was calm and his arm was braced over her back, careful and cautious as he thought about his response.

"Well yeah. You said I'm your favourite place to be. Well, you're mine. This right here. It's home".

He helped her wipe the tears away, aware on one level, that her extreme emotional outburst was more the concussion than his words. A delayed response, a product of all the chemicals running through her bloodstream, he didn't feel guilty for telling her how much he loved her. No matter how absurd it all sounded. Time was not guaranteed to anyone. They could have gone their separate ways that first morning. He knew it. He'd done it dozens of times before. He'd had a script and she'd upended it with a smile and her attempt at nonchalance. Even with all the damage caused in their wake, he still wouldn't take back that first sober decision. She was too damn beautiful for regret. He was too damn selfish.

"So… I guess if you're staying with me. You might as well move in." Bri murmured softly, her mouth over his chest where his shirt was damp with tears. She said it softly like she was too shy to say it aloud. Like she thought this was all a dream and she shouldn't say what she wanted where just anyone could hear her. Severide kissed her forehead in immediate response.

"Is that a genuine offer Bri?"

"Yeah."

"Okay then. Yeah"

"Good!"

They laid there grinning in a companionable silence as their hearts slowed down. Bri kept murmuring that they were crazy but Severide didn't care. The rush of emotions and tears subsided into the quiet tracing of each other's limbs and hands, Severide being especially meticulous in that respect. He kissed and gently ghosted fingers over her ribs while she hissed. He counted the bruises that covered her skin. It was a pleasant moment in the middle of all the trauma and chaos of their everyday. It struck Severide pretty hard just then, how perfect life could be in the moments you created instead of the ones you waited for. He'd been waiting too long for this one.

"Hey Sev?"

"Yeah?"

"Now what?"

"Now what because I love you or because you're in the hospital?"

"Either. Both"

"Pretty sure I just keep on loving you" he whispered thoughtfully. He loved the smile she gave him when he said it. He flat out grinned in response. "Also I take care of your stubborn butt until it's all better then make love to you until we both pass out".

Bri's hand squeezed his waist reflexively as she looked up, her eyes wide in her small face as it slowly flushed. He wanted her like this always, flushed with feeling whether it be anger or pleasure. He wanted her.

"You promise?"

"You wanna hear the list?"

Bri giggled then yawned and Severide did what he'd always done when she had a close call on a shift. Again. He couldn't help it. He kissed each body part he could reach in turn until Bri's body went slack and easy. He whispered all the words he'd never given her before and then some, her right hand gripping his tee shirt, her pulse beating triple time under his lips. How Hershey kisses reminded him of her nipples. How he'd buy them for her in bulk and sneak them into her locker. How he was never _ever_ going to tell her how he knew the combination for her locker.

She fell asleep and he continued to watch over her, exhausted as hell but not going anywhere until she did. He had at least 48 hrs before he was insubordinate. He'd spend them right next to her. The thought came unbidden and reckless _I'm gonna marry her._ He didn't panic his fingers casually stroked over the splint on her left hand, imagining what kind of ring Bri would want. It had to be unique.

ʘ

"That is unacceptable"

Boden was not one to lose his temper easily. He was sitting in Chicago Fire Department Headquarters, still in his work blues, worried to the bone about his paramedics. He despised the political machinations of CFD HQ. He resented the fact that he'd been called to task for organising a mill. Not even a mill, tryouts for the boxing bouts that would occur next Spring as part of CFD and CPD's annual charity efforts on behalf of Chicago. He didn't mean to be defiant… except he did as Chief Tiberg cleared his throat. Annoyance was plain on the older man's florid face. Boden gritted his teeth.

"With all due respect Chief Boden, unacceptable isn't something you get to decide".

"This is a local event" he argued, " our local police precinct, local fire stations. This is a communi-"

"Chief Boden," Tiberg interrupted curtly. "You involved another public service department. This is no longer a local or community anything. We had no clue what was going on! We were completely unaware this was happening. _That_ is unacceptable".

A taut silence pulled at the space between Boden and Tiberg. Chief Tiberg was flanked on either side by cronies who, it seemed to Boden, were sulking because they hadn't thought of it first. Boden swallowed the sarcastic retort he was about to let loose. He had served as a firefighter for twenty odd years. He would not lose his career over a boxing match. It was beyond stupid and would defeat the purpose he'd started out with in the first place: keeping Lieutenant Severide at Firehouse 51. Damn if his subordinates didn't know what kind of trouble he'd go to when he tried to help them...

"So what happens next? Would you like me to cancel the tryouts? We lose face with CPD if I do that. I'm trying to repair what Sergeant Voight destroyed."

Chief Tiberg smiled broadly and Boden knew immediately that he would not like a word that came out of his superior's mouth.

"I have two paramedics in serious condition at Lakeshore Medical. Could we possibly table this for further discussion later? After the blackout is resolved perhaps?" Boden desperately tried to delay the inevitable spanner in the engine works of his plan.

"No. As I understand it the first set of bouts are six days from now. Am I right Chief Boden?"

Boden nodded tightly, his eyes wary, feeling resigned to what would happen next.

"Good. Here's what you're not going to do Wallace..."

Boden tried not to grimace as Tiberg and Ridley outlined what exactly they were changing. He'd officially lost control of the whole thing. He hoped he could warn Antonio of the changes at least...

* * *

 _FINALLY. Oy Severide was really a pain. Thanks for reading!_


	37. An Apology and A Preview

**AN: Guys. I got diagnosed with a serious illness which is why I have been AWOL. It's really messed with my head and I will be in treatment for the next year. It's made it really hard to write the happy ending I want for these characters because I don't have the headspace for it. I am so so sorry. I love writing. It brings me joy but all I have right now is the two snippets below. I promise. I absolutely promise that this is not going to be one of those WIPs that doesn't get finished. It will. Thank you for all of your comments and likes and follows and favourites. xo lily**

Things don't always turn out as expected. Dawson knew this. She was anxious and terrified. Her heart in her throat as Casey and Severide warmed up in the ring. She loved them both. She did. But… her glance shifted to Severide. He'd fallen from a window only six months ago. His shin still acted up at times. It was still so easy for her to read his moves. He was getting better; had taken to grappling with her in bed, showing off MMA moves and hip checks that left her crying foul and screaming with ecstasy by turn. She wanted him to win. She didn't want Casey to be humiliated by any stretch of the imagination but this was Sev. The guy who apparently left an active fire because she mattered more than his job. The guy who had posted up in her hospital room, mulish, outright defiant and so solicitous she would have screamed except he'd give her _their_ look and clench her hand to his heart like she already owned it. Just then she was clutching her fingers together in a gesture that looked like prayer, words whispering past her lips nonsensical and fervent. The fight shouldn't have mattered but it did.

* * *

He turns back to Dawson and he gives her a smile and he mouths "I love you" because he does and if they're going to get reamed for hooking up in the firehouse she should know that. And Dawson beams so wide for a moment he is blinded straight back to that first morning after, his head between her thighs and her laugh broken in two places on the kitchen floor. Her eyes are shiny and he kisses her hand gripping his unbuttoned shirt. She hasn't let go of him in hours and it's perfect because it really never is and he doesn't regret any moment that got them here. He zips her jeans first. Buttons her shirt and smooths back her hair while she continues to beam at him, to preen into his touch like Boden isn't thirty seconds from yelling. She soothes her thumb across his lips to smudge a lipstick smear. She smirks as she tucks him back into his dress pants and Severide wants to howl with laughter at her boldness. God, how he loves her as her mouth moves and he doesn't understand she's saying _Te amo_ but the sentiment is obvious and his face goes silly slack with glee. Bri loves Sev. It matters to him


	38. Chapter 38

**AN: Hi. I can't say I'm really back but treatment is going well so far and I've managed to write more than 200 words in a row about these characters. Therefore you deserve to read them. Thank you so much for your patience. For your enthusiasm. I actually bypassed all the seasons of Chicago Fire I haven't seen to watch this week's episode and I persist in believing the writers like to torture Severide. The friend who got me hooked on the show and therefore into writing this story said the episode must have given me ideas. And guess what. It did. It jumpstarted my brain enough to get this chapter done. Yay. Apologies in advance for any typos or confusion. Since it's been so long maybe read the last full chapter (36) before diving in. Neither of the pieces I gave you in 37 appear in this chapter. I'm fleshing out the fight scene with very little knowledge of boxing beyond my dad's obsession with it. I'm cobbling together an epilogue where some of the more beleaguered characters of this story have hope of a happy ending even if its not included in this story. As a reminder, I don't aim to be cruel to Casey, but it struck me while watching Season 1 that Dawson and Severide had more chemistry in their handful of scenes than Dawson and Casey. No one is inherently evil in this story, just flawed. Just human. Thanks as always xo, lily**

 **Disclaimer: Property of Dick Wolf et al. Except Angie. Angie is all mine and will make at least one more appearance before the end.**

* * *

Dawson was smiling at the three boxes stacked in one corner of her living room. It wasn't much really. Probably not even 1 percent of all of Severide's belongings. Some of his clothes were hanging in her closet, all the drawers were divvied up half and half until he got some of his furniture into her place. His running shoes, again, were tossed haphazardly next to her front door. It didn't make her mad. It couldn't. Well, it could and did sometimes because tripping over them was a hazard if she came in late one night and didn't know they were there. It all made her unspeakably happy nonetheless.

Because she wasn't going to be coming in late any night without him right by her side so the point was moot. Dawson wasn't allowed back on shift. Chief Boden had looked at her in the hospital bed and made it a mandatory three month break at least. Dawson had not protested. In fact, Dawson and Antonio had been lost for words when Chief Boden visited. He had paced her hospital room, a seething cat, still covered in soot. His dark skin glistened with exertion and tightly reined temper. It would have been funny except nothing could be when Boden was that angry. The siblings had given each other a glance full of confusion while Boden swallowed words and more words, his whole body slowly but surely quieting until he finally warned them that the brass had taken control of the boxing matches. Boden's face was grim and Antonio's was just as sour. More fighters meant more trouble. Meant there was no way to be sure Casey and Severide would even fight each other...

Dawson shook her head at what had transpired next. The impromptu strategy meeting between Antonio and Boden had been downright bizarre. Watching Boden and her brother make plans to basically rig the matchups was both horrifying and illuminating. Who knew these men could be so devious? Tryouts were delayed because CFD brass was meddling and Antonio swore that CPD would also become involved just to save face. So tryouts a week away were now going to be postponed at least a month if not more…Dawson went to flex her left hand and grimaced. Her finger bones were slow to heal as were her ribs. A daily reminder that for the moment she was slow and not at all steady. She glanced at the boxes again, a smile flittering across her face. She hadn't opened the boxes when they first arrived and she was a little curious to know what Severide trusted her with. It wasn't clothing or he'd have dropped it off in her bedroom. Their. _Their bedroom_ she corrected herself. The unit it implied working through every limb her heart light as she shuffled over to the boxes, stacked like a pillar. Gingerly, she opened a flap on the first one.

"Knock! Knock!"

Bri glanced back to see Shay holding up a white paper bag that was definitely filled with pastries, and a very sheepish look etched into the lines of her face. It had been like this since the explosion. A full week had passed, Sev was making good on his promise to take care of her, but Shay helped too. Dawson waved her into the room with a sigh. She didn't really want to deal with Shay's guilt at the moment. She didn't have the energy to soothe her friend just then. Never mind that they still hadn't debriefed about her ultimatum at the bar or what Shay was going to do about Angie. Being out of work on medical leave sucked. Being down a hand meant she had barely cooked. The eardrum was a damn nuisance, leaking fluid, muffling sound. Boden was absolutely right to bar her from the firehouse until she got full medical clearance. It just left her stir-crazy and going mad and often spiralling emotionally since there was so little left that she could control at the moment. Dawson didn't want one more person to ask her how she was doing and still:

"So! How are you holding up?"

Dawson bit into a donut to stall for time. She didn't, really didn't, want to snap at Shay. Her partner was trying to make amends for all her prior bad behaviour. It wasn't Shay's fault that Dawson was drowning in a morass of boredom and garden variety depression because she couldn't do anything.

"Fine," she murmured after carefully swallowing the sweet treat. "and thanks for this. What brings you by?"

"Kel got stuck at the firehouse. He was worried when you didn't respond to his text so I offered to check-in."

Dawson had absolutely no idea where her phone was and no desire to look for it. Her mother had called three times over the last twenty-four hours alone. She wasn't picking up until she was cleared to drink alcohol. At the same time, Dawson couldn't help smiling to herself. As much as a grown man could smother his girlfriend, Sev did. He was the equivalent of a human sized teddy bear. She really couldn't complain. The only difference between the ways they took care of each other was she could cook. Dawson had started teaching Sev a couple of recipes so they didn't have takeout every night. The results of those lessons were a mixed bag of laughs and stomach indigestion. At least he could heat soup without issue. Dawson didn't have the heart to remind Sev she wasn't chicken noodle soup sick. The man loved her.

She was still wrapping her head around it really. Not that she didn't believe him. She did. All her fears had been for naught it turned out. When he said he'd loved her since January… she still couldn't quite grasp it. That level of devotion sitting right in front of her. How she'd thrown it away not once, but twice. Their mutual obliviousness about how deep they'd jumped so quickly. Just like she'd told him, they'd never discussed being exclusive. They just did it, without asking questions of each other. Such was the nature of their personalities, to be impulsive but implacably stubborn. Dawson loved Sev. Sev loved her.

"Hey. Where's your head?"

Dawson blinked back into the present with glazed sugar and cinnamon on her lips. Shay's eyes were wide with concern and she could already hear the words "concussion" and "syndrome" coming out of the tiny blonde's mouth.

"How's Angie?"

It was a cheap shot but Dawson felt a little defensive. A little vulnerable without full mobility as her body slowly healed. Dawson and Shay still hadn't discussed Severide's sudden move into her townhouse. They'd also never taken the time to decompress after Shay's breakup confession. Dawson knew that Angie had checked in after the explosion, like a decent human being, but it was by phone and Shay had been tongue-tied and nervous. Dawson, ever capable at giving advice she'd never follow, recommended a six month cooling off period before they attempted to be friends. Shay was less certain that they could be friends at all and had gently reminded Dawson that Firehouse 51's current clusterfuck was largely her fault.

Needless to say, the paramedics were still on shaky ground as friends, never mind their future work as partners. But Dawson was too tired to sugarcoat things. Not that she'd ever been inclined to mince words with the straight talking Shay. Shay had put their own friendship on the chopping block to keep her friendship with Severide the way she wanted it. That was still a bitter pill for Dawson to swallow. Dawson constantly got reminders she was second best and Shay's stung just as deep as Casey's maybe even more so. Some days she was okay with it. She understood the rationale. Other days it hurt deep down where her teenage self was still a wetback and a slut and dirty in all the ways society presumes a brown girl must be.

"Angie is fine. You're not. Talk to me Dawson"

"I can't…" she fumbled uneasily.

"Why not?" Shay pressed.

Dawson was known for her sharp tongue but she could and sometimes did rein it in. For all her impulsivity and rash behaviour, there was a thought process behind her actions and she paused now because it was Shay. She was a friend and she cared about Sev. Was Severide's only real family because she discounted Benny as nothing but a sperm donor. Dawson didn't want to lash out and yet.

"I don't trust you anymore. I don't trust that what you'll say is in my best interests "

"I said I was sorry"

"This isn't about being sorry and you know that"

"Dawson, I can't change what happened"

"I know that! But I also know you're here about Kelly more than you're here about me"

 _And that sucks._ Dawson thought, but didn't say as she gave Shay a speaking glance. The blonde stuttered to reply. They both knew she was at least partially right. Dawson stifled a sigh as Shay reached for her donut and took a huge bite. She didn't mean to harp or dwell but it was hard not to when all she had was her thoughts to keep her company while everyone else was working. It was difficult not to feel even more inadequate as a person when her body's limits constrained her. She now had deeper insight into the hell that Sev must have felt while on bedrest after his fall. Dawson groaned silently. And Shay had taken the brunt of his bad moods… She glanced across at Shay,

"Wanna watch re-runs of The Bachelor and mock the contestants?"

Shay gave her a small smile.

"Sure"

Dawson slid further down her couch with a grimace to grab the remote while Shay wandered off into the kitchen to make popcorn and grab sodas. Baby steps. It would be all baby steps and small gestures until they got back to normal. And they would be normal. All of them. Dawson clutched the remote tight as she heard Shay curse at the state of her kitchen. Anything less was unacceptable.

ʘ

Boden blinked at Severide who glanced at Mills who glared at Boden as he shut the door and closed the shades so Connie couldn't see into the office window. The chief stomped over to his desk and sat down while Severide and Mills remained standing. No one was pleased to be in the room, post shift when everyone was tired and ready for bed.

"Lieutenant Severide, I need you to help Probie Mills understand why a transfer is not in his best interests at this stage in his firefighting career"

Boden's voice boomed, his whole face tight like he was trying not to explode with rage at the younger man. Mills for his part, did not look the least bit bothered by the battalion chief's anger while Severide was just plain confused about his role in the entire conversation. Since when was he the go-to guy for morale speeches? For as long as he could remember, he was always one lecture or reprimand away from being hauled before a disciplinary committee. He got scolded for poaching firefighters to Squad. For having sex in the firehouse. For smoking cigars indoors.

Severide took a long minute counting the different examples of bad behaviour he'd committed in the last six minutes and then realised he could only count three since he'd started dating Bri. His shoulders relaxed. He glanced at Boden, his boss, his surrogate father figure and looked back at Peter who he knew wanted to be on Squad so badly.

"What, did Casey scare you off?" he joked weakly.

Mills half-smiled at Severide before his face went cold and stoic. He swallowed and pointedly ignored Boden's glare before responding.

"He didn't help matters but me transferring is about a lot more than Casey's bad moods…"

Severide decided to play dumb about Chief Boden's history with Mills' mom. Partially because it was none of his business and Bri had only told him so he could understand her breakup with Mills. Partially because it didn't mean a damn thing to him since, selfishly, he still wanted the kid on Squad and not just to spite his own father.

"I wasn't lying when I said you have what it takes to make Squad Mills. You know that right?"

"Yes, but 51 is a disaster right now and I don't want-"

Mills cut himself off when he saw Boden lean closer to listen. A veiled look of distaste washed over his face as he peered at Chief and Severide could have groaned at all the youthful pride he recognised in the probie's gaze. He'd been there once not so long ago. He cleared his throat and continued

"Okay. Brass tacks. What's the problem? Because I guarantee you transferring isn't gonna fix it"

"Then why are you planning to leave?" Mills retorted.

Severide turned to face Boden sitting behind the desk.

"Is that what this is about? You put him up to this?" he asked, more annoyed than ever.

"No. Candidate Mills is quite serious about his desire to transfer. I need you to explain to him why doing so is about the stupidest thing he can do to hurt his career. I thought you might shed some light"

Severide heard the chief's sarcasm and sat down. This was going to take awhile and his knees were aching. He pointed at Mills to do the same and then lifted his arms in a helpless gesture.

"What do you want me to do Chief? Mills knows he'll get a reputation for being difficult to work with if he does this and he doesn't care. Why should we stop him?"

It was lost on no one that Severide was speaking about himself now and each man felt the shift in conversation keenly. Mills looked down at his hands, fumbling with his fingers, a scowl twisting his features to sour. Boden's jaw tightened, his fingers steepled in front of him as he pretended to consider Severide's question. Severide stared right back, exasperated and incredulous that Boden picked him for Mills' pep talk. The kid could make up his own damn mind about his life. Each firehouse was a family, he would find his way.

"Because he is not replaceable and neither are you. Neither was Andy"

Severide hissed a breath and shook his head at Boden.

"Low blow Chief. Really low. I can't -"

"Severide," Boden cut in sharply. "I am not in the business of sugarcoating shit. You belong here. So does Mills. I need you both to get your heads out of your asses right now and listen to me".

Mills snorted and Severide turned his head to glare at the insubordinate probie while Boden closed his eyes like he was praying for patience. A long shift was over and everyone wanted to go home. Needed to go home badly. Severide was nervous. He still hadn't heard from Bri and his phone was silent in his pocket.

"I have made mistakes," Boden admitted reluctantly. " I will continue to make mistakes but I don't fight for people I don't believe in. Life is too short and our jobs are too dangerous for me to hold the hand of any man who doesn't pass muster. And I know what each of you can do!"

Boden glanced at Mills first, and Severide watched closely while his chief seemed to swallow and swallow words before he took a breath to speak.

"I broke a promise to your mother Mills. She knows it. I know it. And you don't know the half of it. It was twenty years ago. Let it go. I had to. The job came first. It had to come first and we both know your mother's opinion about your career path. If you truly want to be a firefighter, you need to understand that a part of your mother died in that fire and a part of me died too."

Severide watched Mills shift uncomfortably in his chair. Boden wasn't one to give long-winded speeches or to betray emotions or feelings. That he was doing so now seemed crazy but it had been a long week and Firehouse 51 was short a paramedic and running on a very short fuse into the bargain. Mills cleared his throat to speak but Boden cut him off.

"Enough. You think I push you out of guilt and maybe just maybe that's part of it. I don't know Mills. What I do know is you are a smart and driven candidate and you remind me very much of the stubborn bastard sitting next to you. Never mind your own father. I think you have what it takes to succeed here at 51. I repeat. I do not waste time on handholding"

Boden held the younger man's gaze before shaking his head and turning away in disgust.

"Dismissed."

Severide made to stand but was pierced by Boden's gaze and sat back down while Mills nodded and walked out. Of course it wouldn't be that easy. How many times had he sat in the exact same chair and waited for the chief to ream him out? Countless times. He'd never been a model firefighter. He drank too much when he was sad and smoked when he was angry. That opioid dependency had really scared him when he thought about it. Boden still didn't know all of the particulars. Would never know if he could help it. Severide tried not to fidget while Boden stared at the closed door, his whole face drawn and far too close to shattered for Severide's comfort.

"Sir," he nudged gently.

"Are you sticking around Severide? Or are you quitting?"

Boden asked this quietly. So softly in fact, that Severide felt the hairs on the back of his neck rise as a chill swept down his spine. He waited until Boden's attention was focused squarely on him. Waited until his mentor worked up a scowl into the quiet when he didn't respond.

"Casey questions my calls at every job Chief. That's not sustainable. It's hurting the house"

"He'll get over it. It might take years but eventually the anger simmers. You move on. And then it's only when someone picks at the scab that you'll remember the rage. The hurt. All the wasted emotion."

Severide paused before replying. It was evident that Boden was talking about his own past and not the current standoff between his lieutenants. It was awkward but Severide pressed forward, determined to make his mentor understand why he thought it was a viable solution even if it did disrupt the fragile equilibrium of Firehouse 51.

"With all due respect sir, the firehouse will implode first. And it doesn't matter if it happens on a job or not, the safety of everyone in this house would be in jeopardy as a result. I know what you and Dawson are planning and I'll play along but if it doesn't work…"

"Hmmm. How is Dawson doing? Healing okay?"

While he could admit the depth of his feeling to her, Severide was slightly more cagey with anyone else who broached Dawson as a topic of conversation. Part of that was his innate protectiveness. Once you became family, Severide never let you go, like Shay. Like the members of Squad 3. Severide could be a bullheaded fool for the people he loved but he accepted the shift in conversation because he didn't want to argue with Boden anymore. Whatever happened, he would be fine as long as Dawson was alright with their direction. He smiled.

"She's going stir-crazy. Not that I blame her. The ribs are healing slowly but I told her to expect that. Her memory seems to be okay. It's only been a week though. She's pushing too hard."

"Ha. Remind you of anyone?" Boden inquired with a wry smile.

Severide flat out grinned. "Yeah. I don't care. I'm pretty sure I can handle her"

"Don't be so sure. A woman can leave you twisting in the wind faster than a fire sometimes".

Severide nodded. His own past gave him enough experience with that particular feeling. Some days he was surprised he was even trying again. Especially when Dawson had shut him out those couple times. But he'd understood her logic because it mirrored his own in so many ways. They had both put Shay first for a while. Made themselves miserable. Pretended their own feelings didn't matter. He couldn't go back to that. Not now. And he knew that Dawson didn't want to leave Firehouse 51. Severide sighed inwardly.

"I haven't made any firm plans either way on leaving. I was thinking I'd teach some courses at the academy. Take a break from active duty to look after Dawson. Give Casey space."

"Does Dawson know about this?"

"Not yet but it's a temporary solution at least"

"Hmm"

Severide didn't know how many conversations with Boden had ended with that short syllable. He just knew that chief wasn't going to make anything about this easy and he felt too tired to protest. He was hot, late August had shown no signs of impending autumn and sweat was drying under his collar in a film that he really wanted to shower off before going home to Dawson. It didn't matter that he was still paying rent at his and Shay's place. He'd spent every night but the ones at the firehouse sleeping next to Dawson and he wanted to be in that bed right now. Home. He blinked and looked up at Boden when the chief cleared his throat.

"Kelly, I don't know why you persist in thinking you're expendable but I need you to stop. Your men. Your squad was rudderless without you to guide them when you were in the hospital. The relief lieutenant was outed and now rides a desk. If you are serious about taking time off to care for Dawson, you'll have to file your relationship with HR, do FMLA and a whole bunch of acronyms I don't have patience for. Are you ready?"

Severide gazed directly into Boden's eyes. There was real concern for him, he knew that. This wasn't about the chief not wanting to lose any more staff than he already had. Boden was like a father to him. Had taken one look at him as a candidate and made a decision to teach him that Severide still wondered at sometimes. Was he ready?

"No. I'm not but she is worth all the trouble so it doesn't matter if I'm ready. She matters more"

Boden's smile was tight as he shook his head and leaned back in his chair.

"You are a stronger and braver man than I was Kelly. Let me know when you need to file the paperwork"

Severide watched his chief retreat behind his own files, his own paperwork, alone and quiet while he stood up. It occurred to him that he was faced with the same dilemma Boden had gone through many years before with Mills' mother. He was choosing the woman over the job. The job that defined him. The job that he refused to abandon for Spain with Renee. This job that was in his blood.

"Chief…do you regret it?"

Boden didn't even look up to reply. Just sighed and burrowed further into his notes and Severide, keenly aware of how much he'd overstepped by asking, did not press further. With a quick nod, he exited the office unaware that Boden glanced up as he left, watched as he walked all the way down the hallway, his mouth twisted, teeth clenched in his lower lip to keep all the words in.

ʘ

By noon, Casey had fixed every loose cupboard in his place and cleaned up besides. He wasn't tired. Not really. It wasn't too crazy a shift for watch 2 so he'd been able to sleep a bit and now he was waiting and doing. Waiting for Gabi's response to his long wall of text. Doing everything he could not to go mad while waiting. She would say something. This was Gabi. Granted, it had been a week. She was injured. The thought made his stomach churn. He had waited too long. He knew that now but he also knew Severide and how he blew through women intent on never settling down. They were both too impulsive by half and the thought of Gabi being embarrassed or hurt by Severide was enough to stir his ire. Better to upset her now than be quiet about everything he'd held in for so long it'd made him sick just looking at her with Severide. At least she had all the facts now. He had nothing to regret. If she still wanted to be with Severide after everything he'd said… so be it. He'd just thrash the squad lieutenant in the ring and make him promise to treat her right.

Who was he kidding? He would not be okay if she continued to date Kelly after his confession. It was too late now regardless. Just like you don't sleep the widow of a fallen firefighter. You don't sleep with a coworker's ex. He couldn't claim to be friends with Kelly at the moment. And truthfully, he was willing to make an exception because it was Gabi but he was so fucking pissed. Couldn't help how fucking angry he was that Gabi had slept with the squad lieutenant and removed them as a possibility into the bargain. He didn't like the idea of being compared to Kelly in bed. He still wanted to know when it started. If it was his fault for hesitating at her cousin's holiday party in December. If it had been planned… well he think he knew the answer to that at least. There was no way Gabi had planned to sleep with Kelly no matter what had happened later. He remained convinced that Kelly had charmed her somehow. He'd seen Kelly in action at the bars. How he didn't even have to say he was a firefighter to woo women into his bed for a couple hours sometimes.

Screw it. He was calling her. Casey wanted to check in anyway. Antonio had barred him at the hospital and after last time, he didn't want to show up at her place unannounced to be rejected at the door. Which was a distinct possibility now, given his comments on her relationship? Casey speed dialled Gabi's cellphone. Listened while it rang and rang and—

"Casey?"

"Shay? Why are you answering Gabi's phone?"

"She didn't know where it was. I heard it ring and since I'm more mobile-"

"Can I talk to her? Please?"

He listened while Shay shuffled through Gabi's townhouse. He couldn't hear her speak so he knew she was probably making faces to let Gabi know it was him. That girl code he'd seen once or twice or really a hundred times at the firehouse when either paramedic got an awkward call. It was kind of depressing to think of himself as one of the many who belonged on that list for Gabriella Dawson.

"Hullo?" Casey felt himself go warm just hearing her voice. It was soft and cautious. Like she was bracing for him to say something bad. And he knew he'd given her a reason to think that but at the end of the day, he cared about Gabi. All of this. His anger and denial was wrapped up in not wanting to see her hurt by Severide. He truly couldn't bear the thought and his heart hurt for all the injuries she'd sustained in the explosion. All he and the other men of Truck got were minor scratches because of their gear, while she and Shay ended up in hospital.

"Hey Gabi. Just calling to check in. How are you feeling?"

"Uh. Sore. My ear still hurts a lot but the doctors think it might heal on its own which is good."

"Good. That's just great. Look I…"

"Casey, whatever you're about to say. Can it wait? Til I'm better?"

Waiting was what he'd made her do for years so Casey swallowed the immediate protest that rose from the centre of his being. If his anxiety now was anything like what she'd experienced he was well and truly contrite for all of it.

"Sure. Do you need anything?"

It was a loaded question. He knew this. She knew this. She wanted him to accept her with Severide and he couldn't. He just could not. Her sigh trickled into his ear and he could hear the pain she tried to hide in the sound. He was surprised she was being so calm with him but figured she was too tired.

"No Casey, I'll be fine. Thank you for calling. Really. It means a lot."

"Are we okay Gabi?" Casey blurted it out without meaning to. He was listening to her, he could swear that he was but her tone; how it gentled as though to soften a blow. How it went quiet because he asked her what she needed and it was one the thing he could not give. It was like nothing he'd ever heard before with her.

"Casey…i promise you. We'll get there. Okay?"

He wanted to say more. To push but he could hear how tired she was. It wasn't fair to pursue her when she wasn't well.

"Okay. Take care of yourself."

"You too. Bye."

She hung up before he could respond and Casey felt a sharp sense of dread even as he felt weightless. Gabi wasn't ignoring him. She could have told Shay she was too tired to talk. She could have hung up. At the same time, she didn't want to talk to him. Not really, she was too polite to refuse him outright. To have Shay dismiss him. But by the same token, she was reluctant to address everything he'd confessed, which was fair. She was one week into a painful recovery. He didn't blame her in the least for needing time. He just wanted more. Wanted things to be stable and secure. He was uncertain about her and that needled at a part of him, at a chink in his defence she'd always been able to crack. God. He did love her after all. They had to be okay.

ʘ

Antonio didn't particularly like being pulled into the captain's office but he could deal. It had been a crap week or so since the explosion. Power still hadn't been fully restored in West Town. Which was a problem in more ways than people might expect, like people getting sick from heat exhaustion without air-conditioning. It wasn't his department. He was a detective after all. But the police officers who worked a beat were overwhelmed and late summer wasn't cooling off like it usually did. Climate change, people said. Whatever. Tempers were a tad bit frayed not least of all, his. Gabi's injuries, his mother's incessant calls and plans to visit. It was Friday and the whole week, he'd been fending off questions left and right about the CFD boxing tryouts. How he'd helped to plan them and was wrangling some cops to make it believable. How, of course, there would be offside betting on the winners. You couldn't have a boxing match or two without some betting!

The ex-boxer glanced at his superior, his face calm. He knew he wasn't actually in trouble. There was nothing illegal about a firehouse setting up some tryouts to get a feel for what the Battle of the Badges would look like come spring. There was absolutely nothing wrong with him setting up some spars so his fellow cops could see what their opponents could handle. This, him sitting across from his captain like a kid in front of the principal, it was all politics. And like most Dawsons, Antonio did not have a flair for the political.

"What am I gonna do with you Dawson?"

"Sir?"

"The brass has been roped into this tourney to save face with CFD and you're at the centre of the debacle. What am I supposed to do with you? You're smart Senior Detective Dawson but you sure act like a dumb jock sometimes."

Antonio stifled a smirk as he watched his boss loosen his tie knot. Vice was not a department that got a lot of attention. Not unless a politician turned up as a john. His captain was sweating bullets, probably from the lecture he'd received and was supposed to give him as well.

"Voight burned a lot of bridges with CFD when he attempted to blackmail Lieutenant Casey, sir. Like it or not we have to work with the fire jumpers once in a while. We can't do that with bad blood"

That was the official line he and Boden had worked out for why the tryouts were happening. It was all absurd really. If he wasn't sitting in the hot seat, Antonio would have laughed at how much drama had cascaded from attempting to fix Gabi's boy trouble. He was going to tease her about this shit for years. All this to get two firefighters to punch their way out of their own animosity. All this so Severide stayed at Firehouse 51 when he let Casey win. And Antonio knew the squad lieutenant would let Casey win. He loved Gabi enough to not hurt her friend. _Poor bastard_ , he couldn't imagine being on the receiving end of Gabi's mercurial moods at the moment.

"Voight's too well-connected to stay in prison long. Trust me. A tourney is not going to solve anything when he gets out."

Antonio shrugged. "I like Casey. He's a boy scout who had a bad run-in with CPD and that's just bad form. He's gonna be a leader in CFD one day and he's going to remember how he was treated. Why not try to minimise the blowback?"

The man got too many commendations not to be noticed by CFD brass eventually. Even if the whole tourney business was just a ruse to get Casey to fight and forget his misgivings about Severide, Casey was going to be drummed out of fire suppression and into an office at some point. He'd never get too high because Antonio couldn't imagine him playing into the politics of it all but his was a face that CFD could use and they would do so mercilessly. Antonio listened while his captain bitched and moaned until eventually:

"Train the men. Volunteers only. I know you're an ex-boxer but for god's sake do not enter the ring Detective Dawson. Everyone knows you're a weapon with your bare hands. I'll smooth things over with the brass. Say we'll put on a good show. Donate proceeds to charity. Something, I dunno!"

Antonio finally grinned. For all the drama Gabi had caused, at least he had something to look forward to out of all of it.

ʘ

It was late afternoon, the sunlight streaming through her living room windows when Dawson woke with a gasp. She looked down to see Sev on his knees, her thighs on his shoulders while he kissed and sucked and ignored her quivering, sleepy protest with a _no_ groaned against her clit. He was naked, his skin bronzed by the light, dark hair gleaming wet. She realised he had come home and showered and watched her sleep and then decided to wake her up in the most evil way possible. She went to run her hands through his hair and moaned when her left hand flinched in pain.

"Baby?" His wide blue eyes darkened as he pulled back to see her lip clenched between her teeth in a grimace. "Baby I'm sorry. I'll stop. You just…" Dawson didn't need him to say anything more as his breath puffed out on a long deep exhale against her inner thighs. He'd needed to touch her. Sometimes twenty-four hours was too long without touch. She got that. He was still tentative because of her injuries. They hadn't had sex since the explosion. First it was because of her head, then it was her ribs. If she needed any more proof of his love, it was in how he'd restrained himself. How he'd cuddled and swaddled her in layers of blankets literally, despite the summer heat. How he'd gone over every bruise with ice and arnica and wrapped her ribs, and kissed the large blooms of bruised black on her cheek and jaw like she was glass until she'd melted against him.

Dawson traced the creases in his forehead with her index finger, while Sev sat naked and frozen on her floor. It couldn't be real but it was and so,

"Take me to bed Sev,"

"Bri baby, you're hurt…"

"Are you saying, you can't be gentle? Really?" She teased softly. "Can't carry me upstairs?"

It was a challenge. She'd never stop challenging him if she could help it and the smile that creeped its way across Sev's face was the best response she could hope for as he slowly leaned in to kiss her. Dawson closed her eyes and leaned in as well.

"I love you" he whispered right against her lips before delving into the kiss like he was starved. Like it had been thirty hours since the last one as he picked her up, one arm braced around her back to spare her ribs, the other gripping her thigh as she wrapped them around his waist. She broke the kiss to snuggle deeper into his embrace as he slowly navigated past the kitchen, proving how gentle he already was. Dawson kissed his neck when he stubbed his toe on a shoe and laughed as he bit back a curse.

 _Love you too_ she thought as he took the stairs. _Love you. Love you. Love you_ as he laid her down on her left side and kissed her back from the bottom of her spine to her nape through her tank top, as he hugged her from behind, his lips balanced on her bruised shoulder, softly touching. Love as he thrust in short sweet stabs when she needed more, his right hand clasping hers over her thundering heartbeat. Love when he began to tremble, her own need trebling with the force of his restraint. When he thumbed her clit to slow rolling spasms as she bit her lip to swallow the screams. When he finally finally plundered deep and she felt the wet jerk of cum and her voice hollered out of her. Love. Oh God. Yes. Love.

* * *

 _Thanks for reading!_


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